Need a hand-hold /advice, DD miserable in Freshers Week

[Snufkin2]

DD moved into halls at the weekend. She's always been quite independent. Not the chattiest but able to go into situations where she doesn't know anyone else and make the best of it. She's travelled independently as well. We hadn't heard much from her - one-line texts etc but she seemed to be going out, meeting people. This afternoon she phoned, distraught. She hadn't left her room all day, feeling panicky, didn't want to go through to kitchen in case she saw someone and started crying. She's been trying to do things till today but feels everyone else has friends already and she's just tagging along and really finding it harder and harder to put herself out there. I tried to reassure her that there are problems lots of folk feeling similar just now and managed to talk her through coming out of the bedroom and at least having something to eat. We discussed maybe looking at different clubs, or student volunteering, and that things will probably get easier when her course starts next week (although a lot of it's on line so not sure how true this is). My heart's just breaking for her though. I wanted to go and see her and give her a hug and take her out for a coffee or something (she's about 3hrs away but that doesn't matter) but don't want to make things worse for her and when I offered to go today she said not to. I can't go tomorrow as am working but could on Thurs so will see how she is then. I've also given her the number for the on site student support service. I just feel completely knotted up about it and wondered if anyone had experienced similar and come through it, or if people genuinely "have a ball" during Freshers Week. Any advice gratefully received.

Everyone has moments like that. Freshers week is so empty of substance and full of fear of missing out. I remember feeling like I should have been having more fun.
But I soon settled in and loved uni. Once the clubs and volunteering actually start she can make some real friends of her choice as opposed to those who happen to be close by.
I personally got more from my uni experience by doing things outside of university - helped me make friends outside of students and spend time with a wider demographic (I had lots of "dad's") this reminds you that life is more than being in the heart of the busiest kitchen on any given night.

I did suggest she look at the uni volunteering clubs, thinking they are likely to attract kind, like minded people. Also doing something for someone else often makes you feel a bit better about your own situation.

Getting a job might help too - if we believe what we hear there are tons of bar/restaurants needing staff!

What happened with your daughter in the end Ladyrattles?

She's got a pretty full on course so I wasn't particularly wanting her to get a job in term time.

I was very similar when i went to uni. (Not helped by quite a controlling boyfriend at the time). I found it incredibly difficult to make friends. Ended up hiding in my room, not attending lectures, being frozen in panic and unable to go down the stairs to eat, only going to the toilet once a day when I was sure no-one was about so I wouldn't see anyone. I dropped out after about 2-3 weeks.

I also initially told my parents I didn't want them to visit, only to hide from them the true mess I was in. Eventually I broke and my mum was pretty horrified when she came to collect me and even now still sometimes talks about feeling guilty for leaving me for "so long".

I know this isn't the happy story you probably want to read OP, but you know your daughter so trust your gut. Uni and halls isn't for everyone.

I did go to a different uni the year after and commuted from home and absolutely loved it, so it might just not be her time yet.

Join societies! My best friends and my DH all came through playing rugby. Took a year but gave me whole social circle and some of the best times of my life (and some pretty awful injuries…!)

I tried football - my main sport as a teen - and the people sucked. The rugby girls swept me up and I never looked back. I knew nothing about the sport and had season tickets at arsenal - all I can say is try new things that take her out of her comfort zone. Something she might think is “not for her” might well turn out to be life changing!

Same here. I couldn't deal with halls and Freshers week at all. Worst time in the whole course. Ended up going out with people I didn't like and doing stuff I didn't enjoy, just to fit in. Unsurprisingly I then quickly found my crowd through student union clubs doing sports and music I knew I liked. I think the pressure comes from it being hyped up as the best time, which makes hating it feel like a failure.

Are there clubs/societies she can join? Coffee mornings/meet ups to get her going on the right track?
Massive virtual hug to you. It's so hard sitting back and worrying. I'm sure once her course starts it will start to feel better and it sounds like it will be a nice and busy course

I have strongly encouraged her to go to the Freshers Fayre tomorrow where all the club's set out their stalls. She was due to go today but missed her time slot due to being stuck in her room

It's so lovely that you've offered to visit. Lots of students don't even attend freshers week, especially if they don't drink. She will meet people on her course but in the meantime she could tale a look on meet up app to see what kind of things are going on locally. When I moved to a new area I found it really helpful.

She just needs to meet her kind of people. Not everyone at uni is automatically friends with the others in their halls. Some students are better friends with others in the same sports club, or their course, or other uni club. Does she play any sports or did she belong to any clubs before going to uni?

OP, I feel your pain. My daughter's Uni has a very limited Freshers and no Hall get together etc. She's alone there and although there are mild friendly Chats, she has not made any friends yet. She's been in her room today too. I'm concerned although her chat to us is "OK. " She does suffer from social anxiety too.
It's heart breaking and I just have to hang in there with her.
Lectures seem to be on line even though it's a Campus Uni... really hoping she meets people soon.
Hugs to you and your girl.

I'm sorry your DD is struggling... Must feel desperate as a mum!

This is TOTALLY normal! in some ways it is good that she's able to express this to you... Rather than all the false advertising on social media what a fab time freshers is... I worked in new students information centre when I was a 3rd year... Oh my... Most people we spoke to were dreading the first days and I often bumped into them in the following weeks having a fab time!

Freshers is aabout people rushing to find friends that they want to get rid of by Christmas 😉

I think the going out everyday suggestion is good.

Perhaps add in, speak to 2/3 new people a day, it's all about numbers I think in the first few weeks, and she'll eventually find her 'tribe'... The ones you find in freshers are often just drunk😁

I put myself out there... Just saying hello to anyone in my accommodation and in my department building.. .. Against my shyness ... And ended up being dragged out (unwillingly) on nights out... That I loved...

It also meant I got to 'know' people in Yr 2 ans 3..whihc was good... The more people you meet the more likely you are to find your tribe👍👍.

My closest uni ppals, owho I'm still in regular contact with 25 years later... oone met in a coffee queue for utterly crap union coffee, and we were commiserating in the lack of decent coffee..... Another I sat in her seat by mistake in an exam... I bumped into her several days later and à went for coffee. There were 3 pals from my course I met doij g groupwork in the first terms... And another few I met in final year...It was a large year so we were divided up.

I'm sure she'll be fine!

I had honestly the best time in freshers week and bonded really well with my flatmates, and we all lived together in third and second year. However, by second year I kind of realised that these weren't actually "my people" and I grew distant from uni and spent a lot of time at home. I didn't have a bad time at all, but I do certainly wish I'd have put less stock in my flatmates and more effort into meeting people on my course and in societies. I ended up just drifting into living with them in third year and I'm only in contact with one of them now.

Conversely, a few of my close friends from home had an awful time in freshers week and they found the first term really hard - but they all went on to make amazing friends and had an absolutely fabulous uni experience after that!

The first week is very, very different to the rest of your uni experience. Like I say, I had a blast and went out every night with loads of people from my halls, but most of the "friends" I had in fresher's week were basically strangers to me by Christmas.

It's so common to have a rough time at first, but it's definitely not a sign that the rest of your time at uni will be rough too

Oh I remember this. Its such a let down when you get there and think it's going to be instantly amazing and exciting and then it isn't.
Took me til after Christmas to settle and find my tribe and I don't remember how many times I cried down the phone to my parents until I did.

It will get better. Soooo much better!

Some people will stick with the friends they make in the first week all the way through but a lot won't. Also people reinvent themselves a lot through their degree.

Tell her to keep going and get out and join in as much as she can, try different things. Once the first flush of hedonism* has calmed down it'll be easier. It can't be any easier either at the tail end of covid.

There are so many people going through the same and I imagine its even harder after 18m of social restrictions and lockdowns.

Her students union should have welfare support, and unis used to have a nightline number run by students to support people who were struggling. I'm assuming they still do? Worth reaching out through such channels.

She'll meet her people and end up having a ball.

*do they still do hedonism at uni?

I teach at a university and I’ve seen this in one way or another with so, so many of my pastoral tutees. The vast majority have found their feet within a couple of weeks and never looked back. As PP have said, once classes start everything will look and feel completely different. It must be very hard watching your daughter struggle from the sidelines but she’s so very far from being alone in feeling this way, and it’s almost certainly going to be a short lived problem. Really hope she feels much better soon.

Do Uni's do much nowadays to integrate people who may be quiet/shy/socially anxious?
I would have thought there would be lots of organised social activities to help people in this situation ... especially with the emphasis on mental health at the moment.
My friends daughter just went to Uni and even before she left she was on Whatsapp group chats with whoever was in her course.
Has she perhaps missed out on something like this?

Bless her, she’ll be one of hundreds at the same uni that feel the same. I know it’s hard and naturally she might want to come back and you would want her back but you’re right in avoiding that.

My friend worked on cruise ships when she was 19 and she cried for the first two months but then she started to enjoy and make friends and stayed 10 years!

She’ll meet friends on her course who will probably end up being friends for life

Hey there. Freshers week was also the worst for me. Wasn't interested in getting smashed every night at all. When classes started, I made my friends with people in the same class. The people in halls were people I just lived with. I am still friends with one of my class mates more than 20 years on! I would say to her give it a few weeks. Once you start getting into routines, things get a lot easier! I grit my teeth and stuck it out and spent a year abroad the other side of the world. The overall uni experience was amazing for me.

I don’t have a fresher but I do have a y7 who is having a struggle and I get how you don’t want to jump in to fix it.

In my head I have resolved that I will give it a fortnight at a time. If it’s no better than half term then I will step in.

Maybe the same for your fresher? Give it 2 weeks after reading wk then look at another way. At undergrad level there is the chance to defer or apply to a more local uni to live at home next year?

Hand hold.
Hopefully She'll meet some like minded people soon.
My DD started secondary school she is having a terrible time too, it is heart wrenching.

First week is difficult. I remember hating it so much because I didn’t know anybody or have any friends. It seemed like most people knew each other already and had established groups. I found 2 people on my course and just sat next to them and forced my self to talk to them which was completely out of character for me. Because they were on my course I saw them at every lecture/class and became friends. She will get there and eventually!

No coming home for the first 6 weeks!

Poor thing and poor you. It's hard at the start, I bet she settles down x

I hated freshers week. Despite boarding since the age of 8, i was so lonely and lost. I needed more structure. Sadly I left my first h i after 8 weeks but was lucky enough to transfer to another fab uni and continue in my first year. I never looked back. It was the most amazing time.