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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need a hand-hold /advice, DD miserable in Freshers Week

138 replies

Snufkin2 · 14/09/2021 22:26

DD moved into halls at the weekend. She's always been quite independent. Not the chattiest but able to go into situations where she doesn't know anyone else and make the best of it. She's travelled independently as well. We hadn't heard much from her - one-line texts etc but she seemed to be going out, meeting people. This afternoon she phoned, distraught. She hadn't left her room all day, feeling panicky, didn't want to go through to kitchen in case she saw someone and started crying. She's been trying to do things till today but feels everyone else has friends already and she's just tagging along and really finding it harder and harder to put herself out there. I tried to reassure her that there are problems lots of folk feeling similar just now and managed to talk her through coming out of the bedroom and at least having something to eat. We discussed maybe looking at different clubs, or student volunteering, and that things will probably get easier when her course starts next week (although a lot of it's on line so not sure how true this is). My heart's just breaking for her though. I wanted to go and see her and give her a hug and take her out for a coffee or something (she's about 3hrs away but that doesn't matter) but don't want to make things worse for her and when I offered to go today she said not to. I can't go tomorrow as am working but could on Thurs so will see how she is then. I've also given her the number for the on site student support service. I just feel completely knotted up about it and wondered if anyone had experienced similar and come through it, or if people genuinely "have a ball" during Freshers Week. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

anonymouslyusing · 15/09/2021 12:53

DSD was exactly the same last year and it was honestly heartbreaking. She stuck it out for a few months then came home for a few months due to lockdowns etc. Those first few months obviously did her some good though as she moved back to her uni town in July, she’s living with some really nice people, she has a job and she’s made a life for herself there. Hopefully time is all your DD needs.

nunamenuyear · 15/09/2021 12:55

Also I think it's worse now because it's so easy to keep in touch with friends from home which gives a false sense of not being alone - when I was at Uni you had to go out and meet people. I suspect hundreds of Freshers are sat in their rooms chatting to school friends hundreds of miles away.

LIZS · 15/09/2021 13:02

@nunamenuyear

Agree. And everyone will be saying what a great time they are having, even if they are not really, which just exaggerates a sense of isolation and failure.

Original poster

Snufkin2 · 15/09/2021 14:55

This is all so helpful. Mumsnet is fantastic for this kind of thing particularly as I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it IRL apart from DH (don't think DD would want me to). She's going to Freshers Fair today hopefully. I had also suggested doing some baking for the flat as she's a great cook. The kitchen's the only communal space in the flat so it is harder to gather but I think the idea of long complicated cooking is also a good one. I'll remind her about leaving her door ajar, though don't think she felt up to doing this yesterday and🤞 she finds something that appeals at the fair today (and that she gets there). She does have quite a few interests though not sporty ones particularly.

OP posts:

burnoutbabe · 15/09/2021 15:29

Maybe find a popular tv show to ask others if they want to watch together (love island etc)

I did that with neighbours back in 1991! People around halls came and watched it before we had dinner. Nice and low effort.

saleorbouy · 15/09/2021 15:40

It's a big transition, she has to get out there, start by knocking on the room nextdoor. There are probably others in her block/flat feeling the same. She needs to introduce herself.
I would definately recommend joining some clubs this will open her circle of friends outside her lecture cohort and across all year groups.
In general in freshers week if someone asks to come out for a cuppa, beer, or gathering you just go.

pointythings · 15/09/2021 15:50

The way she feels is completely normal. DD1 really struggled in her first year and several times needed to call on halls support and student wellbeing. After Christmas (just before lockdown hit) she was fully settled, having fun, had made friends on her course. She hasn't looked back.

DD2 goes off Saturday, I expect it to be much the same for her. She has several people from her course in her hall of residence, which might be helpful, and has no Freshers week as such, only a really busy course induction starting Monday. This is probably the best thing for her, since she doesn't do partying and drinking.

Original poster

Snufkin2 · 15/09/2021 17:54

@saleorbouy

It's a big transition, she has to get out there, start by knocking on the room nextdoor. There are probably others in her block/flat feeling the same. She needs to introduce herself. I would definately recommend joining some clubs this will open her circle of friends outside her lecture cohort and across all year groups. In general in freshers week if someone asks to come out for a cuppa, beer, or gathering you just go.

These are all things she's been doing (the first 3 days anyway) but I think hit a wall yesterday when she just felt she wasn't getting anything back, sharing contact details and suggesting meet ups but nothing coming of it. I think she was struggling to keep putting herself out there with nothing reciprocated and I can't blame her. If someone asked her to go for a coffee / drink I think she'd be delighted.

OP posts:

peaceanddove · 15/09/2021 17:57

Another idea, could you send her one of those big, marshmallow toasting kits? I got one for DD1 to share with her new flat mates on her first night, as an ice breaker, and apparently it went down a storm.

Original poster

Snufkin2 · 15/09/2021 20:56

I'll have a look peaceanddove, is it basically marshmallows and skewers?

OP posts:

peaceanddove · 15/09/2021 21:02

It's giant marshmallows, biscuits, sprinkles, skewers and then this small pot of flammable gel to toast them over. I used a company on Not On The High Street, there were quite a few of them x

Oblomov21 · 15/09/2021 21:23

Gower cottage brownies online to be delivered to her, so she can share?

Original poster

Snufkin2 · 15/09/2021 22:24

Great ideas, thanks.

OP posts:

fuzzymoomin · 17/09/2021 17:14

How is she getting on today @Snufkin2 ?

Original poster

Snufkin2 · 18/09/2021 21:53

Mini-update. She went to Freshers Fair earlier in the week and signed up for a couple of clubs then had an organised meet up thing yesterday which she went to and seemed to enjoy. She met another girl doing her course so so seemed a bit more positive but today hasn't been out of her flat at all, did make it out of her room to make and eat tea but quite tearful tonight. I know there was a mix of opinions on whether I should go to see her or not so I've held off till now but she seemed very low tonight and I offered and she wanted me to go tomorrow. My plan is to maybe go out for lunch, go for a wander, try and get a bit more of an idea of whether anything specific has happened to upset her etc. I wondered about buying her a telly for her room, not sure if that's a good idea. I did email the halls support service on Thurs night but no response, wondered about taking her along to see them if she wants ( I think they're there over the weekend) Any other suggestions what I can do while there that might help?

OP posts:

frogslegs1 · 18/09/2021 22:47

Are you in the Facebook group Wiwikau? It's for parents of students going to uni, you'll read plenty of similar posts and also advice from others at same uni as your daughter and even matchmaking for friends/buddies.

Original poster

Snufkin2 · 19/09/2021 02:17

Thanks, I'll have a look at it. Struggling to sleep just now, worried about her and what best thing is to do tomorrow which isn't great as have a lot of driving ahead.

OP posts:

Retrievemysanity · 19/09/2021 07:49

Hi @Snufkin2. Hope you and your daughter have a lovely day together today.

What are the other people in her flats like? And I know you said she has been reaching out to people but I’m just wondering, is she saying things like ‘shall we go for coffee sometime?’ Or ‘do you fancy going for a coffee now?’. Have her lectures started yet? It sounds positive that she met another girl from her course and enjoyed the meet up so why did she feel low the following day? Is she expecting too much too soon do you think? Is there anyone else from her school at the uni that she can meet up with, even if in different years just for some reassurance? I think she’ll be fine but it does take time to build relationships and can be lonely in the interim. Once she gets into the swing of lectures and activities she’ll have more to take her mind off things.

Steeple · 19/09/2021 08:07

@Cheeeesecake

Tell her the friends you make in freshers week are the ones you have pretty much to do with by xmas. There’s a sort of desperate scramble for friends, but it doesn’t mean anything. She’ll meet her people soon enough! And she’ll have the best time.

Exactly this. I spent my entire first term ducking into doorways to avoid the ‘didn’t even like them but panicked and they happened to be there’ Freshers’ Week friends. She has lots of time, and shouldn’t panic.

Dontbekatty · 19/09/2021 08:12

Morning @Snufkin2 Oh your poor daughter. I have been in your shoes and I know how worrying it is but, like so many other posters, my child was fine. It’s a settling in process and once she gets going and has a normal college routine, it’ll flow.
In the meantime, until she finds her feet, she knows she has you in the background and that is so important.
Keep up the gentle support and listening ear.
She’ll find her feet soon. It’s a big change for her.

Dontbekatty · 19/09/2021 08:12

I meant to say also, this is so normal and loads of them there will be going through the exact same thing.

spudjulia · 19/09/2021 08:15

Freshers is brutal. The 'friends' you meet during freshers are desperate grabs and by Xmas everyone has usually found their actual friends and friendship groups made in freshers have disintegrated.

Probably great to have a little break from it all today with you, and a reminder that her family is not that far away. Sounds like she's doing all the right things, but it is exhausting to keep putting yourself out there!

TheKeatingFive · 19/09/2021 08:21

Most people will have felt this at least one, if not in freshers week, during the first term.

Stress the importance of keeping calm and carrying on. It’s a huge transition, of course it’s going to be tough at times, but she will make friends and settle.

Shieldingending · 19/09/2021 08:23

Ah bless her, I do hope things are getting better for her. I can remember finding freshers week really tough because I felt like I should be enjoying it but I wasn’t! The friends I made were much more natural friendships but it definitely took me longer. I have to admit I never thought about the impact on my parents when I phoned them crying! With a teenager myself now I understand this must be incredibly tough for parents… You sound like you are giving her lots of support and I hope that through her course and shared interest she makes some good friends soon

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 08:27

@Mumteedum

I'm a lecturer. Believe me ..it's totally normal. Tell her to talk to her personal tutor or student services or just any staff. There will be loads of people who will be happy to chat and offer support. Ours do all sorts of drop in sessions for new students who are basically just having trouble settling in.

I have had big strapping lads crying in my office before through homesickness. (Who then went on to love the course and do really well) Give it time.

Great advice.

OP, heartfelt sympathy.

I can imagine you are sick to your stomach.
It is so hard when you can't fix things and she is away.

It can be very hard at the start but just keep encouraging as you are.

She is not alone.

Tell her as advised above to reach out to campus services.

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