Need a hand-hold /advice, DD miserable in Freshers Week

[Snufkin2]

DD moved into halls at the weekend. She's always been quite independent. Not the chattiest but able to go into situations where she doesn't know anyone else and make the best of it. She's travelled independently as well. We hadn't heard much from her - one-line texts etc but she seemed to be going out, meeting people. This afternoon she phoned, distraught. She hadn't left her room all day, feeling panicky, didn't want to go through to kitchen in case she saw someone and started crying. She's been trying to do things till today but feels everyone else has friends already and she's just tagging along and really finding it harder and harder to put herself out there. I tried to reassure her that there are problems lots of folk feeling similar just now and managed to talk her through coming out of the bedroom and at least having something to eat. We discussed maybe looking at different clubs, or student volunteering, and that things will probably get easier when her course starts next week (although a lot of it's on line so not sure how true this is). My heart's just breaking for her though. I wanted to go and see her and give her a hug and take her out for a coffee or something (she's about 3hrs away but that doesn't matter) but don't want to make things worse for her and when I offered to go today she said not to. I can't go tomorrow as am working but could on Thurs so will see how she is then. I've also given her the number for the on site student support service. I just feel completely knotted up about it and wondered if anyone had experienced similar and come through it, or if people genuinely "have a ball" during Freshers Week. Any advice gratefully received.

That sounds really upsetting for both of you. If she is still miserable in a few weeks it might be worth seeing what she can do outside uni. If she is into politics she could meet with local members of her preferred party or see if there is a local group who do a hobby she likes. She could look to volunteer with Girl Guiding or the Scout Association. If she did something away from uni she might feel a bit more empowered when she returns because she'll have something just for her. Also, the others in an outside group are likely to be in a more settled position so might help her relax a bit because they won't also be battling their own newness.

@Snufkin2

What happened with your daughter in the end Ladyrattles?

Unfortunately lockdown happened and the students on her course were told not to go back in January, so she never went back into the flat and did everything online from home the whole first year. I'm encouraging her to join lots of clubs this 2nd year to try and make some friends.

My daughter was like this. She is independent but knew no one and found it hard to join in. At Freshers she joined a knitting group and also a church/christian centre did a drop in evening once a week which was popular because they did free pizza. She went there a couple of times and made a few friends which was enough for her. Once her course started she found it easier having met a few people at these get togethers.

She's juust settling in OP.

I had no problems leaving home etc and was excited for it all, but try and think that it just shows how much she enjoyed her life back home, which reflects well on you.

My auntie said when my cousin went to uni 'they're all homesick together' (this was her belief, maybe it wasn't my cousin's lol. I was like WTF, I never felt that for a minute but everyone's different.

My personal crisis was more when I tried to fully enter the world of work after uni.

I'm sure she'll be ok, maybe she's been hugover some of the times and that hasn't helped. Get her to make sure she's eating well etc, maybe send some food over by justeat or whatever. It's good that she knows you'd be willing to come up to visit if necessary. x

I didn't get on with many people at uni, but I had some spiritual interests and met like minded people through that around the country and locally. But I do wish I'd tried harder to meet people through student societies etc.

Freshers’ week isn’t for everyone. If she’s really struggling, I would consider bringing her home until Sunday and letting her start again next week when her course starts and there’s more structure to the days.

You could have been describing me OP. I was the most confident and independent teen but soon after arriving I caught a nasty bout of freshers flu and felt so isolated and alone. I feel that everyone was going out and making friends without me. My parents were completely horrified when I frequently burst into tears on the end of the phone. They didn’t come down straight away but they did send me handwritten letters and parcels (is checking your pigeonhole still a thing?!) which was always such a nice surprise. Later after I settled both mum and dad would visit individually and take me out for coffee, meals or occasional food shops and that was great too. Such happy memories overall.

I was like her at uni. Difficulty making friends feeling awkward and anxious. It gets better though and I found that there are always like minded people around you become friends with, you just might not find them in the first week or even month. But the universe is funny like that and eventually someone crosses your path you hit it off with easily. Give it time. You going to hold her hand is not going to help, in contrary it will make it worse. Be on the other end of the phone and just listen and acknowledge that her feelings are ligitimate and tell her to give it time and to enjoy exploring her new environment on her own if need be. See if there are things, activities, lectures,. Exhibitions etc she is interested in just for herself and encourage her to discover.

I had this moment a few weeks in. Felt so lonely. It didn’t last!

Freshers is really tough. You sound like a very supportive mum. It’s completely normal to feel everyone has already linked up but they haven’t. You e given her the right advice. She has to keep trying but at the same time remind her it can take up to a term to feel at all settled x

She isn't going to make friends sat in her room though, maybe she's got unlucky and she's been placed with people she has nothing in common with? Maybe she's a bit homesick? I started uni and made friends with one group in halls, spent a few weeks hanging out before I realised they were a bunch of nasty bitches and just not my people. So I made friends with another group (our building had around 60 in so plenty of people). I've just whatsapped the friends I made then (20 years on) on our group chat moaning my baby won't sleep (I'm not anticipating a reply now!!). I found my friends for life just after freshers week (and then my husband in 3rd year). I wouldn't write it off in freshers week, there's still time to settle in and make friends. Don't be running up there to take her out either, a few parents did this and it just isolated them more. One girl had her parents there all the time, it meant that no one got to know her. I've no idea if she even stayed after 1st year, she disappeared. Going to the freshers fair and joining some clubs would be a really good way to meet more people, rather than you rushing to visit, as much as you want to help.

I remember this from freshers week. It's hard to believe when everyone around you looks like they are having a ball, but everyone really does feel this way and she probably just needs some reassurance of that. She's been riding on a big wave of adrenaline and has just had her first crash.

I don't think it's helpful to bring her home or go and see her at the first stumble, as hard as it must be to hold back. You've done the right thing in helping her come up with good ways to feel like she's part of things.

It's okay to also validate how she feels and listen as she let's the emotions out. Sometimes just having someone to listen to you let it all out can help you develop the strength to do the things you need to do.

Poor soul!

I hated freshers week, still had a ball at university. It was a very common experience that people didn’t stay friends with the people they met during freshers. Everyone at that time is just clinging to the people they first meet because they’re desperate for pals etc, but it takes a few weeks for everything to settle and for real friendships to emerge. Once her course has started and she has been to a few student society meetings or clubs she will definitely start to meet people who she really gets on with.

I would just try to remember that freshers is just one week and it doesn’t mean anything in the long run if it’s not a great week. Her good times are still ahead of her, she just needs to sit tight until she settles in.

*try to encourage her to remember that should say!

If it helps, I felt this way for 3 months when I started uni! Well, it was a bit different, because I was 2500 miles away from my parents and all alone in a foreign country (Scotland), but it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. I made real friends. Few, but real, strong friendships that go on today, despite the distance!

I think a lot of people feel like this but as others have said people don't talk about it and everyone is pretending to have the time of their lives so it makes it hard to admit you're feeling lonely. I would consider going to see her on Thursday as you've suggested even if she says she doesn't need you there- a lunch out and a coffee with you might help to give her some perspective and you can give her a bit of a pep talk. It's so hard to put yourself out there to talk to people when you're feeling lonely and embarrassed and anxious but if she takes small steps by chatting to people in the kitchen or in their communal spaces then she should be able to build up her confidence to talk to people.

Does she like sports and fitness? She could consider the university officer training corps, most universities have them. I’ve worked students that are in OTCs and they’ve all been great young adults with robust and caring personalities. They’ll likely have a stand at the freshers fair.

There will be whatsapp groups for her course, halls , societies etc. Meetups and events outside. Freshers is still not back to normal and the first few days are tough. Did anyone from her school go to same uni? Encouraging her to get out and be seen by others (many of whom will have similar reservations) is positive.

Thanks everyone, I feel quite encouraged reading all this. Wish I could show DD but she be mortifed that I'd posted! It's good to know the advise I gave her was reasonable. To be fair, I think she had been trying to put herself out there and speak to strangers a lot but felt she wasn't getting anywhere and sort of hit a wall yesterday and was having a panic attack when she phoned. I'll speak to her again today and keep in touch that way rather than rushing over to see her at the moment unless she desperate I think. Good tip about forcing herself to speak to 2 or 3 people each day.

My son moved in at the weekend too. I was wondering if it is the same halls but it isn't actually freshers week until next week for him. They were just allowed to move in the week before.

I was so worried this would be him and he would turn to his PlayStation, which would be an easy option and he's already addicted to it.

Anyway so far it seems to be going well. He seems to be getting on with his flat mates and going out with them a lot. The halls also organised some meet up events, which has helped. He isn't shy but he isn't mega confident either. He has a friends group that he's had since age 4, all of them are introverts and not into partying, so I was really worried. Anyway he seems to have made a good fist of it so far. Although I am mindful it's early days.

She needs to sit in the communal area of her flat and force herself to hang out with her flat mates. Even if she doesn't mega like them, it will hopefully help give her opportunities to go out and meet others and eventually meet people she does like. She'll get there, especially when her course starts.

I can only imagine you going up would make things worse. A few hours happiness for her followed by feeling lonely again. Go for phone calls and texts instead.

I feel for you. I really do. Love to you and your daughter.

Just to say as well, our uni puts on course level activities in induction week. I'm taking mine out Friday for some work related stuff and some fun stuff. (Won't say what exactly as it'll be outing) I'm sure there should be some similar stuff going on so she can get to know classmates a bit before teaching starts.

Strongly encourage her to get out to Freshers’ Fayre today and join lots of societies.

I was introverted and socially awkward and that’s how I found my tribe.

I would also second the advice upthread to get outside the university bubble and explore her new city. Put the pressure of making friends to one side for a little while and focus on simply finding small things that bring her joy.

Is she at a campus or city university and has she thoroughly explored everything yet? Has she found the library and got her library card (or whatever they do now!)? Silly question, but does she know it’s perfectly ok to go out for a coffee/whatever by herself? Just because everyone else is moving in packs at the moment, she doesn’t have to. When lectures start there will be loads of people walking alone or sat alone.

Finally, let her know that if her flatmates do see her upset it might not be a bad thing. It’s an opportunity to bond on a less superficial level and they may well be feeling the same.

She needs to sit in the communal area of her flat and force herself to hang out with her flat mates.

I agree with this too. She doesn’t even need to fully engage, she can just sit there with a book/laptop and blanket for comfort, but she’ll start to get to know them and can tune in/out of what’s going on.

My dd is in a similar position, except she's v introverted so not comfortable "putting herself out there" at all. She's in a flat with 2 older girls, everything on line until Christmas. We dropped her off on Sunday, and she's booked train to come home at the weekend. It doesn't help that a Facebook group I'm on constantly says that the first couple of weeks are key to finding flatmates for next year...