Need a hand-hold /advice, DD miserable in Freshers Week

[Snufkin2]

DD moved into halls at the weekend. She's always been quite independent. Not the chattiest but able to go into situations where she doesn't know anyone else and make the best of it. She's travelled independently as well. We hadn't heard much from her - one-line texts etc but she seemed to be going out, meeting people. This afternoon she phoned, distraught. She hadn't left her room all day, feeling panicky, didn't want to go through to kitchen in case she saw someone and started crying. She's been trying to do things till today but feels everyone else has friends already and she's just tagging along and really finding it harder and harder to put herself out there. I tried to reassure her that there are problems lots of folk feeling similar just now and managed to talk her through coming out of the bedroom and at least having something to eat. We discussed maybe looking at different clubs, or student volunteering, and that things will probably get easier when her course starts next week (although a lot of it's on line so not sure how true this is). My heart's just breaking for her though. I wanted to go and see her and give her a hug and take her out for a coffee or something (she's about 3hrs away but that doesn't matter) but don't want to make things worse for her and when I offered to go today she said not to. I can't go tomorrow as am working but could on Thurs so will see how she is then. I've also given her the number for the on site student support service. I just feel completely knotted up about it and wondered if anyone had experienced similar and come through it, or if people genuinely "have a ball" during Freshers Week. Any advice gratefully received.

Oh she is so lucky to have a mum like you! I'm sure you will have a lovely time together. Trust me lots of students struggle to find their feet to begin with, it is a case of meeting her tribe. Once she does that it will all click into place. The people in her halls may have nothing in common with her. Once the clubs and lectures get going she will meet like minded people.

I hope you have a good day with your daughter. My own experiences of freshers week and the start of term were very similar. In the end I never really gelled and formed friendships with the people in my halls - no unpleasantness but our relationship never went beyond polite chit chat when encountering in the kitchen, corridor etc. However, I found some amazing friends through societies and my course. These are the people who are my closest friends now despite it being several years later and us living scattered across the uk. It took a bit of time for these friendships to form, but they came about much more naturally than the awkward forced together in freshers week connections.

I would echo other posters about joining clubs and societies and not necessarily the big popular ones, but look out for the smaller more obscure ones. Crafting type clubs can be great for meeting people. I ended up joining the knitting society despite not being able to knit when I joined. There was a dozen or so of us who met up every week over coffee and chatted while we knitted.

The other thing I would recommend is checking if there are any buddy schemes available eg with her course so she has somebody to chat with who is in the year above and may have had similar experiences.

I think the uni experience is not great for everyone, but I really hope it gets better for her and I am sure it will.
In the first year I remember one of my son's was in a uni flat with mainly girls and one other male who went home every weekend. He ended up getting a flat with the girls the following year which I do not think was the best move. The following year he studied abroad had a whale of a time but of course when he returned he had no one to share a flat with and ended up back in uni accomodation. I do not think he ever found his tribe, although he never vocalised it.
My other son seems to have had a completely different experience.
I myself years ago found myself on a uni course where everyone lived locally and my life during my student years was not a social whirl either.

Hi Op, I hope your meet up goes well today and your DD is a little brighter. Sometimes you just need your mum for a little boost and a bit of perspective. Uni is such a bubble.

What is her housemate situation? Has a group formed and she isn’t really in it? I do think leaving her door open is a good idea. It takes bravery but most 18/19 year olds aren’t brave enough to knock on a door when the door is closed. Especially if they are also feeling lonely. It’s all very painful though.

When I used to do lots of networking one piece of advice was to survey a room and choose someone who also looks a bit uncomfortable/lonely and go and speak to them. I think it’s called the wallflower method. Might be a good strategy for her?

She is doing all the right things, I think it’s just a case of keeping going, letting the people who aren’t bothered slip away like sand and keep on the hunt for someone else.

If it turns out she isn’t in the right place she can always move courses or uni’s - she isn’t stuck and nothing like this is forever.

Slightly different but I moved abroad for a while and for 3 months I didn’t really know anyone and everyone I met was very ambivalent about me. Then I suddenly met one person who introduced me to ‘my people’ and had the best time I have ever had! My mum went from having so many sad calls with me all the time (and flying out to visit) to almost never hearing from me.

Best of luck to her (and you, so hard on you as a loving mum).

I hope your daughter has a lovely day today.

Thank you for all the kind messages. We did have a lovely day. Quite a lot of chatting about the situation but a bit of fun too. She's certainly not thinking of leaving and I think does understand that it will hopefully get easier next week when lectures start and there's a bit more structure. She's signed up to quite a few clubs (more than I'd previously right) though may not go to them all. Doesn't have a lot in common with flatmates (describes them as the type of people she spent her time avoiding at school) and has realised she's not a late night party person, about a 1am limit. I was surprised at how many smoke and vape in the kitchen which seems a bit antisocial. However she's able to talk to them when she sees them and hopefully will make friends through other means over next few weeks. I'm pleased I went today to give her a bit of a break from it all and hope things start to get easier for her. Thanks again for all the brilliant suggestions and support.

All my children made friends gradually through societies and courses.

Also none of my children went on to share second year house with the people they were put with in first year.

They had nothing in common, so chose to live with friends made elsewhere. This is completely normal.

My DS goes next week and I've given him the advice my parents gave to me about Freshers Week.

Essentially, don't feel pressured to make make friends quickly. You may well spend the rest of Uni trying to untangle yourself from "friendships" made in the first week who turn out to be people you have little in common with.

Realistically you're far more likely to find "your tribe" not amongst your flat mates but people doing the same course as you or via clubs you have an interest in.

As such it's important not to get disheartened. My DS doesn't drink (hates the taste of alcohol) so he's been a bit worried about how this will come across.

I've looked at the Uni website and actually they have a lot of tea total events during freshers so I've pointed him at those.

I've explained to him that the first few weeks can be tough and overwhelming (and we will always be there if he needs us) but he needs to understand it's "process" and the idea that everyone just magically settles in and connects with "proper" friends straight away is pretty much a myth.

It took me half way through my first term to find my "tribe" and the people I then went on to house share with in my 2nd/3rd years (I had a great time btw).

Social media can be a blessing and a curse. Helps you connect with people but I've said you need to realise people post what they want you to see of their lives, not the reality, so don't get drawn in to believing everyone is having a brilliant time because of upbeat SM posts.

I'm glad you had a good day today and sound like a lovely supportive mum.

I might be posting back for tips of my own in a few weeks!

@Snufkin2

Thank you for all the kind messages. We did have a lovely day. Quite a lot of chatting about the situation but a bit of fun too. She's certainly not thinking of leaving and I think does understand that it will hopefully get easier next week when lectures start and there's a bit more structure. She's signed up to quite a few clubs (more than I'd previously right) though may not go to them all. Doesn't have a lot in common with flatmates (describes them as the type of people she spent her time avoiding at school) and has realised she's not a late night party person, about a 1am limit. I was surprised at how many smoke and vape in the kitchen which seems a bit antisocial. However she's able to talk to them when she sees them and hopefully will make friends through other means over next few weeks. I'm pleased I went today to give her a bit of a break from it all and hope things start to get easier for her. Thanks again for all the brilliant suggestions and support.

This is what personal tutors help with. She may not realise but academic tutors can and do make referalls to help with housing matters. If she really doesn't like her hosuemates she can ask to move!

Again, not uncommon if you have quiet students put in with partying types.

I dare say they possibly shouldn't be smoking. Usually you are asked if you want a smoking house or else many places should be non smoking anyway.

I'm sure lots of places are different but I know I've had plenty of students move flat in first few weeks.

Encourage her to talk to staff.

The flat's meant to be non smoking. I did say to her that there might be the option to move flats but she hopes things will settle down a bit once term starts as all her flatmates have quite heavy going courses, and she doesn't know anyone in other flats to move in with so I think she feels she might end up out of the frying pan into the fire if she moved. I admit to being pretty disappointed and unimpressed with the lack of response from the halls student support service. That was who I was directed to when I phone the central student support service.

If they're smoking in the kitchen now I don't imagine they'll stop in the future. But if course, there's no guarantee that if she does move she'll be placed somewhere better - and I know that's rarely an option.

I don't really have anything to offer. I didn't make any friends at all at university despite living in halls. I moved home after the first year and travelled every day.

I think I regret it. But it's what I wanted to do at the time.

Argh!! I just lost a long response. ☹️
So, in brief….

She should be able to contact the ResLife (or similar) team about the smoking. That’s almost always not allowed.
Student Services, the SU, and the Well-being Advisor should all be able to help - and her Personal Tutor & Programme Leader.

I’ve worked in HE for 20 years, and I’m yet to have a start of term without a weeping student in my office, sadly. But - a big part of all our jobs in Universities is to provide pastoral support for students.

If you’re comfortable in telling us the Uni, there’s a lot of us in HE on mimsn Argh!! I just lost a long response. ☹️
So, in brief….

She should be able to contact the ResLife (or similar) team about the smoking. That’s almost always not allowed.
Student Services, the SU, and the Well-being Advisor should all be able to help - and her Personal Tutor & Programme Leader.

I’ve worked in HE for 20 years, and I’m yet to have a start of term without a weeping student in my office, sadly. But it’s part of all of our jobs to provide pastoral support.

If you felt comfortable in telling us which Uni she’s at, there a lot of us on mumsnet who work in HE. We could probably provide some more targeted info - or sort out support as needed.
Take care