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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not text him on his birthday?

154 replies

Canunothanks · 14/09/2021 19:38

Been seeing this guy for 5 months ish. He’s gone to see his parents because it’s his birthday (different city).

I was on a shitty work shift last night and he was texting me about it. Didn’t reply to my last text at 1am. Which is fine obviously, but it’s 930pm the next day now. No reply.

It’s his birthday tomorrow.

If he doesn’t text me back do I even say happy birthday? Seems so pathetic to double text

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 15/09/2021 10:59

@Savoretti

But you didn’t text him all day either? Why is it up to him to message first? Just because you messaged last last night? That’s bonkers - this is an adult relationship
Exactly this! Somewhere on Blokesnet, an OP is worried that his g/f is ignoring him, because he's gone away to see his folks ...
ChargingBuck · 15/09/2021 11:10

He’s extremely immature, younger than me by a few years.

Honestly he’s done things that a 15 year old would do. The ignoring text thing is one of the many games he plays

That is a mighty dripfeed OP.

If you'd mentioned this, & the info about his boringly unoriginal Grand Commitment-phobe speech, you would have had some very different responses.

Now you've wished him a happy birthday, I think your part in this is done. You've spent 5 months (I hope a lot of it was fun) dating someone so immature he acts like a 15 year old. Maybe spend some time wondering why you would tolerate that, & stop overthinking what the texting/not texting means.
You don't need to put your life on hold for a wannabe teenager. Get out there & find someone who doesn't make you second-guess whether you should text him or not.

If you have to spend this much time analysing a new relationship - it's not worth it.

ChargingBuck · 15/09/2021 11:14

@Canunothanks

It wasn’t a 8.5 hour gap 😂 it was a 20 hour gap. 1am to 930pm, not am
Apologies, OP. I misread that entirely.

Texting aside - he's not mature enough for you.
Even a FWB relationship should be about adding to the sum of your happiness, not making you worry & doubt yourself.

Don't set yourself up to be hanging on for crumbs from a game-player - let Mr 15 Years Old go, you don;t need to settle for this.

FaceForRadio1973 · 15/09/2021 11:25

I can see why you might be confused as to the sudden lack of texting. I used to be in a long distance relationship, and it was unusual to not hear from my partner for an extended length of time.

However, I was more worried that they were okay, and probably text again later. It was never a requirement of my turn - your turn.

Please do text him a Happy Birthday. It's not a criminal offence to double check.

As an aside, maybe he is upset because his girlfriend couldn't be bothered to spend a few seconds messaging him?

Saoirse82 · 15/09/2021 11:27

I'm grateful I'm not single, I honestly couldn't keep up with todays sexual politics, what a head fuck! I'm not sure if I'd trust him after the backing away when he gets feelings comment, sounds like a get out of jail free card to me and a massive red flag. As for double texting, I'd just text him on his birthday and if you get no reply leave it at that. He doesn't sound like much of a catch anyway OP.

MLMbotsno · 15/09/2021 11:31

It's his birthday. You either care and wish him happy birthday or you don't care about him. You sound more concerned with playing games. Are you a teenager?

Grow up a bit.

lockdownalli · 15/09/2021 11:31

If you have to spend this much time analysing a new relationship - it's not worth it.

Yeah I agree. Texting him happy birthday a few minutes after the clock chimes midnight is really weird too.

I think this is done.

MLMbotsno · 15/09/2021 11:32

Ah I missed the drop feed and back peddling that occurs when people don't get the replies they want
Biscuit

Wishimaywishimight · 15/09/2021 11:33

@Saoirse82 I feel the same way. If someone said to me they were backing off because they liked me too much I would look at them with pity, that they thought I really was that stupid, and wave them off with a cheery 'goodbye'. What utter nonsense.

Should this be a lesson in school? "If you like someone, you move toward them. If you dislike them you move away from them." Repeat after me class...

donquixotedelamancha · 15/09/2021 11:55

Can someone please explain why it’s unreasonable to be slightly confused/upset that someone you’re seeing randomly disappeared during a text conversation and nearly 24 hours later still hasn’t replied?

I would run a mile from someone who wanted me to text every single day no matter what I was doing- even in a very committed relationship, let alone a casual one. Not everyone (probably not most people) expect the level of contact you do. His birthday is supposed to be about him, not you.

Honestly he’s done things that a 15 year old would do. The ignoring text thing is one of the many games he plays

The problem is that your threshold for this seems irrationally low. Regardless, it doesn't sound like you are happy- either have a proper conversation about the level of contact and commitment you want or end it. Stop expecting him to be psychic.

Original poster
Canunothanks · 15/09/2021 12:19

Some extremely nasty replies here. Some people not even reading the whole thread.

What do people gain from it? It’s meant to be a advice forum. I don’t mind being told I’m being irrational but comments like “grow up” and “give your head a wobble” are just pure nastiness.

Obviously I am worried about it hence I’m on this forum. No need for sarky comments. People using others problems as entertainment t

OP posts:
Dandy0911 · 15/09/2021 12:27

Surely if it's someone you've been with for that amount of time and you have feelings for him, would you not at least ring him on this birthday?

Let alone be afraid to double text?

I think your expectations are quite high. You say it's not a serious relationship. So why worry if he hasn't text you back in a day?

I literally don't see an issue, and that's enough to stop you from wishing him a happy birthday?

This whole dynamic is strange.

toothpicklover · 15/09/2021 12:35

I don’t understand the double text comments???

You are super high maintenance and rather controlling. He needs to find someone better

lovelybitofsquirrell · 15/09/2021 12:36

@Cocomarine

“Double text”? Someone you’ve been dating for FIVE MONTHS.

I’m only surprised you work working a night shift, as I thought there was legislation preventing 13 years olds from doing that 🤷🏻‍♀️

sums it up perfectly
toothpicklover · 15/09/2021 12:38

Apologies, I missed a couple of updates.

I don’t think he thinks it’s serious.

However, he’s at home and I’d be annoyed at someone expecting me to text them all day when I’m away. It’s too much

MLMbotsno · 15/09/2021 13:13

@ChargingBuck

He’s extremely immature, younger than me by a few years.

Honestly he’s done things that a 15 year old would do. The ignoring text thing is one of the many games he plays

That is a mighty dripfeed OP.

If you'd mentioned this, & the info about his boringly unoriginal Grand Commitment-phobe speech, you would have had some very different responses.

Now you've wished him a happy birthday, I think your part in this is done. You've spent 5 months (I hope a lot of it was fun) dating someone so immature he acts like a 15 year old. Maybe spend some time wondering why you would tolerate that, & stop overthinking what the texting/not texting means.
You don't need to put your life on hold for a wannabe teenager. Get out there & find someone who doesn't make you second-guess whether you should text him or not.

If you have to spend this much time analysing a new relationship - it's not worth it.

This reply sums it up really. Why date a person that acts 15 for months. You didn't mention this but drip fed comments throughout. I think people have seen that type of advice seeking before as in replies not to liking so drip feed. It sounds like hard work being in that relationship, it shouldn't be that hard.
Tal45 · 15/09/2021 13:30

I would just message to say you haven't heard from him and hope he is ok. Then leave the ball in his court. It sounds like he likes a bit of game playing though and that you're getting sucked into it by worrying about double texting and what not hearing from him for a day means. Are you sure you want to be in this situation? TBH saying that having feelings for someone makes him back off is a big red flag to me - sounds like someone who likes to mess with people's heads right there.

RavingAnnie · 15/09/2021 13:36

@Canunothanks

I think it’s quite rude to ignore a text all day... it takes 20 seconds to reply. He’s always going home to family so it’s not like it’s a big event.

He didn’t have 20 seconds in his whole day to reply or ask how I was after the shift

It's not rude to "ignore" a text for one day. That's where you are going wrong.

People are busy. Things happen. Maybe they don't want to be glued to their phone every minute of the day. Maybe they want to actually focus on the people they are with and be present. Maybe they are running around and have tasks to do. This obsession that everyone needs to be available to respond to everyone all the time is really unhealthy.

TheFoundations · 15/09/2021 13:56

If someone seems suddenly distant, and you've checked they are ok, the best thing to do is leave them to it. Either they need a bit of space and everything's fine, or they're backing away from you. Either way, they need to be the one to make the approach.

You can decide afterwards whether their behaviour fits into your idea of a sustainable relationship.

TheFoundations · 15/09/2021 13:59

It's not rude to "ignore" a text for one day. That's where you are going wrong

This very much depends on context. It's rude to stop communicating in the style you're both used to and happy with, without any warning or explanation. It's rude to allow a conversation to end with the other person's question.

sonjadog · 15/09/2021 14:06

I think it is rude to ignore a text wishing you happy birthday. Especially from someone you are meant to be dating. So if he doesn't answer that, then I would assume that was the end of the relationship.

Plumtree391 · 15/09/2021 16:21

I've read all your posts, op, and most replies. Apologies if I have missed something.

However some things stand out from what you have said:

you started off as friends with benefits; this is not an established relationship; you have been seeing him 'randomly' for approximately five months; he is immature and younger than you by several years; he says he has feelings for you and indicated he might want more.

Why are you so bothered? It strikes me that you want more from the relationship than he is ready to give. It might be better to look for someone else who is more in tune with your needs.

Original poster
Canunothanks · 15/09/2021 16:32

We didn’t start as FWB as in we never agreed that’s what we were. He started by taking me on dates but I said I’d rather just come to yours/you come to mine.

He wanted dates. Then I backed off because he was acting distant. He then initiated a conversation about “feelings” and asked me to label the relationship or “go official”. I said we needed to think about it before just “going official” because we hadn’t had the most clear start to what we were.

So he said wanted more. He is however not acting like he wants more.

So I’m not sure why you think I’m the one who wants more than he is willing to give?

He said he wanted it, not me

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 15/09/2021 16:39

So he said wanted more. He is however not acting like he wants more.
So he's in the wrong for wanting more - but also in the wrong for backing off when you have given signals that you are not going to have That Conversation with him?

It's still not clear from your posts what you want from him at all, apart from a rigid adherence to an unstated text protocol. If you know wjat you want, stop second-guessing what texts/lack of texts means, & ask him - direct & face to face.

So I’m not sure why you think I’m the one who wants more than he is willing to give?
Well ... you do want him to text more ...

He said he wanted it, not me
Is this pride speaking, or what?
Do you actually want to be with this man?
If you do - have the bloody conversation, decide on the 'relationship label', & be happy.
If you do not - throw him back, so that each of you can find someone more compatible.

Original poster
Canunothanks · 15/09/2021 16:45

I still don’t think that’s “more than he’s willing to give”. He gave consistent communication readily up til a couple of days a go. It’s not some arbitrary rule I’ve decided on. I still think it’s rude to ignore a text message in the middle of a conversation and then ignore a second text sent wishing happy birthday... which Was around 16 hours ago. Especially for a person you have feelings for.

It isn’t pride speaking, it’s more experience from being messed around in the past and still not being sure what I want. I’m guarded in relationships and this behaviour just highlights why.

OP posts: