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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not text him on his birthday?

154 replies

Canunothanks · 14/09/2021 19:38

Been seeing this guy for 5 months ish. He’s gone to see his parents because it’s his birthday (different city).

I was on a shitty work shift last night and he was texting me about it. Didn’t reply to my last text at 1am. Which is fine obviously, but it’s 930pm the next day now. No reply.

It’s his birthday tomorrow.

If he doesn’t text me back do I even say happy birthday? Seems so pathetic to double text

OP posts:
spotcheck · 14/09/2021 22:27

And ...the poor thing would just be so overcome by his emotions for you, that he would have no other choice but to back away? Because his feelings were so awfully scary?
And meanwhile, you are left confused, because on one hand- ' maybe it's just that he feels oh so strongly'
But on the other hand, his behaviour feels terrible.

Nah.

LaikO · 14/09/2021 22:28

I actually think YANBU, that's a long time to not reply to a text if you're in a relationship with the person.

Cocomarine · 14/09/2021 22:30

So you don’t want a defined relationship.
But you get arsey about him not texting.

Explain why you don’t want a defined relationship.

FWB I get - sometimes you just want sex, or you don’t want exclusivity.

You sound like you’re playing cool-girl when that’s not what you really want at all.
And he sounds like he’s playing yawningly unoriginal “commitment phobe” game.

You’re in your 20s, right?

God love you, many of us have been through this shit!

Wineandroses3 · 14/09/2021 22:31

If he can’t be bothered replying to you in 24 hours then f*ck him! Don’t chase him OP! 💅 Go with your gut feeling. If he’s bothered about you then he will get in touch and then when he does make him wait, likes he’s done to you! It’s not like you’re a married couple where these things don’t matter, it’s early days yet.

PaddleBlue · 14/09/2021 22:35

Sorry you’re getting such bitchy comments here OP. I can see how you could feel insecure especially if you say relationship isn’t established. I personally would still say happy birthday but be wary if you don’t think he’s as keen

Hont1986 · 14/09/2021 22:35

Was your message something that needed to be responded to? Like he has left a question unanswered? Or maybe he just saw it as the end of the conversation.

Stop playing games, just text him.

Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 22:35

@HalzTangz
What a random comparison, it’s not someone she lives with that she’s going home to.
It’s a fledgling relationship of a couple of months and he’s left if 24 hours. When they usually text everyday. So it’s out of character.

The OP probably wasn’t written that well, and wasn’t clear and seemed a little bit immature with regards to birthday text.

But yes I would be a bit miffed, though I would give him a break as he’s at home. And yes I would send him a happy birthday text

JaffaCake70 · 15/09/2021 05:26

[quote Redgeraniums]**@HalzTangz
What a random comparison, it’s not someone she lives with that she’s going home to.
It’s a fledgling relationship of a couple of months and he’s left if 24 hours. When they usually text everyday. So it’s out of character.

The OP probably wasn’t written that well, and wasn’t clear and seemed a little bit immature with regards to birthday text.

But yes I would be a bit miffed, though I would give him a break as he’s at home. And yes I would send him a happy birthday text[/quote]
I agree with everything you've said @Redgeraniums. @HalzTangz is in a completely different situation and obviously doesn't have the same text habits as the OP.

OP is used to texting numerous times every day with her OH, hence the reason for her concern.

The comparison doesn't make any sense as the relationships are completely different.

MN really brings out the mean side in a lot of people. There's a lot of unnecessary nastiness in the comments here. Why can't people either offer constructive advice or just not comment? Why would you purposely type something horrible to a stranger who's come here looking for advice?

Coronawireless · 15/09/2021 08:05

YANBU. Yep, nasty comments on here for whatever strange reasons.
You sound insecure about your relationship, and his behaviour, both with the failure to respond and previous discussions you’ve had with him, is not helping. After 5 months it’s worth establishing with him where you both stand. If he is evasive, bin him and find someone less flaky (if you do want a secure, mature relationship).

Original poster
Canunothanks · 15/09/2021 09:12

Thanks for some of the kind messages.

He posted on social media at 1230am ish last night, so I sent a nice message saying happy birthday.

He has also ignored that message

OP posts:
sonjadog · 15/09/2021 09:26

I would leave it up to him now.

DressBitch · 15/09/2021 09:28

Yeah, he's over it.

Move on now, OP.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 15/09/2021 09:30

Seriously, you need to give your head a wobble!

Original poster
Canunothanks · 15/09/2021 09:38

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Seriously, you need to give your head a wobble!
In what way?
OP posts:
scoopgalore · 15/09/2021 09:44

You must be joking

Honeymare · 15/09/2021 09:50

I'm on your side here OP. It's been five months but five shaky months. If things were solid and you felt secure then you wouldn't have even noticed double texting. I say eff him. You've messaged happy birthday. Don't contact him again and let his next message go unanswered. Maybe he is just not relationship material if he's always disappearing, backs off when he likes someone etc. He can step up and prove you wrong.

Looubylou · 15/09/2021 09:56

I'm glad you said happy birthday OP- I would now retire gracefully. Your first message made you sound very childish, but your later post sheds a whole new light. He is almost certainly a commitment phobic, emotional abuser, who can't handle problems. You were comfortable enough to share problems late at night - he may struggle with anything other than good times. No loss 💐

ChargingBuck · 15/09/2021 10:01

@theresroomonmybroom

Unpopular opinion apparently but I know what you mean OP. It's hurtful to feel like you didn't cross his mind once all day for him to think to text you but everyone thinks you should jump at the chance to text him.

Maybe wish him happy birthday, but a quick message later in the day with something like "you seem busy so just a quick happy birthday from me, enjoy the rest of your day" and leave the ball in his court.

Ignore the nasty comments OP, I knew what you meant x

For goodness sake, "didn't cross his mind all day"??!

The guy was up til 1am, texting OP about her horrible work shift.
OP posted at 9.30am.
Is her b/f not allowed to get 8 hours kip without jumping to his phone to reassure his g/f he is thinking about her?

I would find this attitude bloody suffocating.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/09/2021 10:18

Does anyone over the age of 15 believe that a man can be so scared and overwhelmed by his feelings that he backs off from someone he claims to really like??

I'm pretty old (50's) and in my experience a man who likes you shows he likes you. My DH, when we met, was really shy and reserved but I was never in any doubt as to how much he liked me and enjoyed my company right from the start. We got close pretty quickly, engaged after 14 months and have now been married 16 years. All delightfully bullshit free.

Original poster
Canunothanks · 15/09/2021 10:34

@Wishimaywishimight

Does anyone over the age of 15 believe that a man can be so scared and overwhelmed by his feelings that he backs off from someone he claims to really like??

I'm pretty old (50's) and in my experience a man who likes you shows he likes you. My DH, when we met, was really shy and reserved but I was never in any doubt as to how much he liked me and enjoyed my company right from the start. We got close pretty quickly, engaged after 14 months and have now been married 16 years. All delightfully bullshit free.

He’s extremely immature, younger than me by a few years.

Honestly he’s done things that a 15 year old would do. The ignoring text thing is one of the many games he plays

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 15/09/2021 10:41

I would completely ignore him now op and I personally would block if no response in a few days, you deserve better it's hard I've had it done to me but keep your dignity and move on

ChargingBuck · 15/09/2021 10:44

@Canunothanks

Can someone please explain why it’s unreasonable to be slightly confused/upset that someone you’re seeing randomly disappeared during a text conversation and nearly 24 hours later still hasn’t replied?

When it’s usually a continuous conversation throughout the day?

Honestly struggling to understand how that means I need to grow up

Because your OP reads as if you are worrying about an 8 & a half hour gap between texts:

Didn’t reply to my last text at 1am. Which is fine obviously, but it’s 930pm the next day now.

Maybe just text him or even ring the man, ask him how his day has been - how hard is that? You are communicating with a loved one, not keeping a tally & timesheet for billing purposes ...

Wole · 15/09/2021 10:47

If you want to wish him a happy birthday then do so, forget the double texting thing. Or maybe ring him? But if you don't he will probably assume you've gone off him. So up to you.

Original poster
Canunothanks · 15/09/2021 10:50

It wasn’t a 8.5 hour gap 😂 it was a 20 hour gap. 1am to 930pm, not am

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 15/09/2021 10:56

This distant texting has been going on since he went home Friday and so I just put it down to him wanting to see friends etc. He was taking hours replying which was fine because he was busy... but now it’s gone to 24 hours so maybe he’s just generally lost interest,

Oh stop catastrophising!
Why would you instantly jump to "must have lost interest"?
Does he need to be in constant text-tennis with you to 'prove' something to you? Let the guy have a life, & wish him a happy birthday while you're at it.

If you are fixed on measuring the value of your relationship by absurd rules of texting, you are using the wrong measurements. Spontaneity & respecting each other's space are great ingredients for a successful relationship. Communication styles are allowed to evolve & adapt within a growing relationship. You don't need to keep tabs on a man in order to keep him. Make sure you have your own stuff going on outside of work - just like he does - be a whole person, not just someone who needs to feel validated by constant, strictly turn-taking, texting from her b/f.