To feel at a loss as to what to do about my DD’s bully?

[TheWindow]

They’re 13 and this has been going on for about 6 months. Bully and her two sidekicks took an instant dislike to my DD and seem to be waging some sort of campaign again her, and nobody seems able to stop them.

They constantly create fake profiles and call from withheld numbers to harass her online. We control DD’s social media and phone use quite heavily, she has parental controls and time limits, and the girls have all been blocked on their usual numbers/accounts. Yet still they continue and no sooner than the social media companies ban one account, another appears.

They spread stupid rumours about her (she’s mentally ill, she’s gay, she once stabbed someone?!) around school, and have threatened (verbally) to stab her, yet the police were useless first time they came round - spoke to ringleader’s parents, who clearly don’t give a shit - and said ‘there’s not much we can do as ‘she’s only a kid’.

Bully and some boys came to our house over the weekend and threw stones and eggs at our house, DH caught it on camera. Police didn’t even come out.

DD has to be driven to and from school as the girl has gathered a big group of older teens to follow my DD and threaten her - yet the school have just spoken to her parents and said they’re ‘keeping an eye’.

Bully seems to be online at all hours of the night, out on the street at night, no supervision. Parents, school and police aren’t giving her any consequences. So of course she continues. I’m so fucking dresses out about it. Poor DD is a quiet, academic, sporty girl with a small group of close friends. She’s very low drama and to this day hasn't once replied or retaliated. She just holds up her head and walks away. But I’m fucking sick of it. What should I be doing next? I’m trying to be a good role model to DD by going through the proper channels, but right now I feel like chasing bully down the street and giving her the slap of her life.

Well done for confronting your daughter’s bully @MotherOfBeardedDragons

Those suggesting going to the press or social media, most teens would be absolutely mortified by this. Th bullies would likely screen shot the images and turn them into memes.

I agree with @Eiliethya. Publicly shaming the bullies, although not ideal, would be preferable to using violence to fight back.

move schools. Seriously. You cant make your daughter face this abuse and harrassment everyday knowing that the school wont tackle it. Keep her safe and move her. She cant possibly learn properly under that sort of stress.

I agree with @MrsHastingslikethebattle. Recruit/pay some 16 year old girls to corner the bully and threaten her that if she doesn’t stop the harassment she is going to get a taste of her own medicine. Or speak to the local bikies and ask them to escort your daughter to and from school for a couple of days so her bully can see that your daughter is protected by them.

Some good advice here. I would change your child’s phone number for a start.

Speak to the school governors, the council - whoever you can raise it with to get noticed.

Enrol your child in MMA, so she can defend herself or just knock the other child out.

I never condone violence - but your poor daughter shouldn’t be going through this!!

1. approach the bully yourself and warn them. I don't think I'd do that, they might hit you and drag you around. It is not like earlier times when you'd be frightened of someone's parent.
2. pay a kid who is older from another school to go and give her a slap and say to them if that she ever touches (your dds name), they'll come back for them and do much worse. Nice thought but it could definitely backfire, these bullies usually have a back up of cousins and older siblings. Moving her or home school while she drains in some fighting sport.

I really feel for you.

Take her to some boxing lessons.Sometimes violence is the only answer.

@StopThrowingCitrusFruitFFS

Read this with jaw dropping open…..then I realised 🤣🤣🤣

Changing phone numbers makes no difference in this day and age. Teens usually communicate through social media, not SMS.

[quote Braveheart35]@StopThrowingCitrusFruitFFS

Read this with jaw dropping open…..then I realised 🤣🤣🤣[/quote]
Hehehehehe about Brad Pitt? What? Too much ?

Can you name and shame them on FB or Instagram?

Please don't take her out of school or count on others to help such as police or schools. In the end you need to help your child to face these challenges. This may mean learning to stand up for herself or to create a buffer of friends who stand with her or to learn to ignore them. One thing though that concerns me is the social media. If it where me I would have a conversation with her and see if you can get her to agree to uninstall some of the apps and come off social media for a while and replace it with something private to chat only with her friends such as WhatsApp. Martial arts is Great for confidence building as well as self defence but mostly character building.

Please don't take her out of school or count on others to help such as police or schools. In the end you need to help your child to face these challenges.
This is not your average challenge and sucking it up isn't the answer.

Take away her phone. Shame for her as it might feel like she's being punished but it's in her best interests for now. You could get her a 'dumb' phone with a new number to give to her actual friends.

Move schools if you can. Somewhere with strong behavioural policy and where the adults are actually in charge rather than letting teenage bullies run amock. They do exist, I work in one.

Enrol her in sports clubs outside of school, drown out the negative people in her life with new positive ones.

Just my two pennies worth!

@EmeraldShamrock

Please don't take her out of school or count on others to help such as police or schools. In the end you need to help your child to face these challenges. This is not your average challenge and sucking it up isn't the answer.

Who said suck it up? I said face. By which I mean stand up to the challenge or in this case the bully. Find ways of dealing with it. This can either be go berserk on the bully or other things but what it definitely shouldn't be is run away or " suck it up". And I spek from experience. I grew up around that age in a small village in the Netherlands being one of two coloured kids in my time with an awkward face and a poor grasp of the language. You can imagine the bullying, racism and even physical threat I had to deal with. But moving school was never a consideration. My father one day sent me back after having been attacked again saying "why are you running to me? What do you want me to do about it? You are in school with these kids all day, so you will have to learn to deal with it. Now get back out there and give the fucker a hiding!" That's what I did. I lost that fight but the bullying virtually stopped from that day. And I think my father was very right,kids need to learn to stand up for them selves within their social groups because as parents or outsider there is only limited ways we can help.

@sausagepastapot

Make fake profiles for the fucking bullies. Make out that they are the most STD ridden, scummy little dick heads. Honestly- this is what I would do after doing all the sensible things, all the things you have done already.

Go to school and make an absolute scene.

And, I'm not ashamed to say, I would confront them myself, and be ready to humiliate them if needed. Not great, but true. No one will dare bully my kids- I will put myself on the line if I have to.

Totally agree with you. I would have no hesitation in taking it as far as I could. I DETEST bullies.

Hi, so sorry to hear this is happening to your daughter. My daughters bullying started in year 1 and carried on until she went to 6th form at another school. I tried to speak with the mum and dad at different times and just got shouted at. Had meetings with primary and secondary schools but still it carried on. My DD managed to do really well in all her exams - I don’t know how! When she was 13 we lost my mil within 6weeks to cancer, then my mum got diagnosed 3months later and passed Away 3 years later just As she was about to take her exams. My dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer during this time too and the bully knew this and still continued!! Anyway she absolutely loved the sixth form and done really well. Then went to uni and got a first . Fast cotton now and she is an excellent secondary school teacher and is very happy. The only worry is the bully is now a primary school teacher!

Sorry that should have said fast forward!

@Sydendad I'm sorry that happened to you and glad it taught resilience for you.
A local girl in a similar situation wasn't as strong and took her life.
Adults rarely treat each other as teenage bullies do.
I wouldn't personally force her through it.

Wow @Lendmeashilling you've all been through the mill but for your daughter to do well, go to uni and achieve a first.... fantastic. She must be strong!

[quote EmeraldShamrock]@Sydendad I'm sorry that happened to you and glad it taught resilience for you.
A local girl in a similar situation wasn't as strong and took her life.
Adults rarely treat each other as teenage bullies do.
I wouldn't personally force her through it.[/quote]
Well I think my father question rings true though. What can parents really do about it and should they do about it. I recently read an opinion of some child's psychologist which basically said: we shouldn't always want to "fix" our children's problems but we should more focus on acknowledging the feelings and emotional effects these problems can bring and support our children in processing those feelings. Because I indeed stood up to my bully but got zero emotional support and still ended up on top of a bridge with the intention of jumping off. So the bullying brings horrible feelings, running outside and virtually or physically beating up the bully for your child is going to make you as a parent feel better, but you will have also bulldozered over your child's feelings and not necessarily helped or supported her personally. And I think changing school really is the worst option.

As many have said, unfortunately there really is only one option with bullies.

Schools don't really care - they don't want to admit they have a problem

Police can't do anything

The parents will be worse than the child - sadly the bullies will be like they are because they have had and are having a poor upbringing.

If your daughter is sporty, get her to kickboxing or taekwondo. Something that teaches confidence and will give her the skills to confront these girls with assurance and controlled aggression.

Like many commenting, I was badly bullied at school and by 'friends' out of school. My parents didn't want to know and I had an awful time 12 -17. I'm in my early 50's and have had counselling about how weak I was; I never fought back or did anything to stop it.

I wish I had tried, pretty convinced physical injuries heal quicker than a lifetime of shame and anger.

Please try and convince your daughter to stand up for herself..sod this 'turn the other cheek ' nonsense. Bullies need fear..if they see she won't stand for it, they will back down or find an easier target.

I'm in my early 50's and have had counselling about how weak I was; I never fought back or did anything to stop it.
Jesus that is awful. You shouldn't have had to fight back, do we tell domestic abuse victims to fight their abuser.
I wish I had tried, pretty convinced physical injuries heal quicker than a lifetime of shame and anger.
It doesn't always work, bullies are usually good fighters and the friends will jump in too.
How many times on here you read about repeated beatings no matter how hard the victim tries to defend themself.
If I was in your class I'd have helped you I hate anyone picking on an innocent person

you have a few options I guess.
Someone has to lamp the ringleader. Usually the quickest way to deal with a situation. My dd did this when some boys started tormenting her. She beat him up and shes never had any grief since. It was worth the detention.
Or you threaten the school and tell the police
Or you move schools.

Im not sure why so many people waste time thinking about how she shouldnt have to change schools., its the bully that should, but this doesnt seem to take into account the real world and real life

I'm it usually one to encourage school-hopping as a decent secondary should be fully involved in sorting this out, but in your it case I would 100% move schools. She WILL make new friends.