To feel at a loss as to what to do about my DD’s bully?

[TheWindow]

They’re 13 and this has been going on for about 6 months. Bully and her two sidekicks took an instant dislike to my DD and seem to be waging some sort of campaign again her, and nobody seems able to stop them.

They constantly create fake profiles and call from withheld numbers to harass her online. We control DD’s social media and phone use quite heavily, she has parental controls and time limits, and the girls have all been blocked on their usual numbers/accounts. Yet still they continue and no sooner than the social media companies ban one account, another appears.

They spread stupid rumours about her (she’s mentally ill, she’s gay, she once stabbed someone?!) around school, and have threatened (verbally) to stab her, yet the police were useless first time they came round - spoke to ringleader’s parents, who clearly don’t give a shit - and said ‘there’s not much we can do as ‘she’s only a kid’.

Bully and some boys came to our house over the weekend and threw stones and eggs at our house, DH caught it on camera. Police didn’t even come out.

DD has to be driven to and from school as the girl has gathered a big group of older teens to follow my DD and threaten her - yet the school have just spoken to her parents and said they’re ‘keeping an eye’.

Bully seems to be online at all hours of the night, out on the street at night, no supervision. Parents, school and police aren’t giving her any consequences. So of course she continues. I’m so fucking dresses out about it. Poor DD is a quiet, academic, sporty girl with a small group of close friends. She’s very low drama and to this day hasn't once replied or retaliated. She just holds up her head and walks away. But I’m fucking sick of it. What should I be doing next? I’m trying to be a good role model to DD by going through the proper channels, but right now I feel like chasing bully down the street and giving her the slap of her life.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your DD.

I would be worried about this escalating especially if the bully is bringing in older teens and boys.

There is lots of good advice on here but what I would say during the meeting with the school is that you want to record the actions they said they will take because you won't think twice about involvement of the police and formal charges if anything more serious happens.

If you saw the panorama the other week on assaults against girls at school you can cite some of the stats at them as well and ask them if they want your DD to become one of them.

Find the school’s anti bullying, behaviour, complaints and safeguarding policy - section on peer on peer abuse is the bit you want there.
Write a formal letter quoting the relevant parts of the policy and how they are not being applied in your DDs case saying that this is stage 1 complaint that’s usually the head. Take each one as a separate bullet point. At any meetings, take minutes especially who is actioning what and by when. Email the minutes back to the staff in the meeting, just to confirm we agreed x and y and A is going to do w and z by this date. At each stage if you’re not happy then go to the next - it eventually ends up at the DfE.

Don’t go to the school threatening to complain to Ofsted, they don’t deal with individual complaints about schools. All schools know it, and the reaction is usually go for it knowing that nothing will come of it where as the complaints procedure will involve investigations by a governor and then governor panels and records of complaints.

I can’t help with the police apart from keep reporting. I really hope someone acts decisively for your DD.

Definitely police as well as school, as much of it seems to be happening out of school (and possibly some of the older teens involved are not even at the school). Push them to log everything, and push for someone to actually come and talk to you and understand the level of harassment - this needs to be stopped before it escalates into something more serious. Throwing things at your house is already pretty serious - we once had a window broken by a raw egg thrown at it - it's not "harmless fun".

This sounds truly awful op. The child is 13 so the police need to take the cyber attack and the stone throwing seriously. As well as the harassment and stalking. Go to the school and demand a meeting with the head teacher and her teacher. Pull up their bullying and safeguarding rule book and read it back to them showing where they are going wrong. Bring proof of what they have done. Document EVERYTHING. hopefully you get somewhere

And a comment to a few. I see far too many comments about how you turned around to beat up your bully and it worked. How you will tell your children the same, just a message. Your child might not. My mother always pushed me to fight back, I couldn’t. I spent years hating myself, fearing school. The judgement, the comments. I never did stand up for myself. At 16 I was on antidepressants. I dropped out of college never went further with education. I can’t go into a bar alone, I fear judgment to the point it’s crippled my life. I am in recovery going back to uni as a mature student. My anxiety is still bad. Not all fight back, sometimes they fight themselves. Help them before it’s too late xx

I was badly bullied in the age of social media. Fake profiles, catfish boys, cruelty at school. The same nasty message sent to me over and over, multiple times every day for TWO YEARS.

Am afraid to stay it only stopped when I bit the ringleader very very hard on the hand after she backed me into a corner and then lamped her.

It worked but I shouldn't have had to do it.

If it was me I’d take my daughter out of the school, this is causing her mental harm and I couldn’t stand back and watch as I would want to fuck up the 13 year old. Kids nowadays are vicious and bullied children can take their own lives because of such scum whose parents either don’t care or believe the bully is a little darling. You have 3 options here:

1- your daughter gives her a good kicking and gets into trouble, with the school and possibly with police.
2 - you threaten the bully, give her a good slap but will end same as a) and possibly prison.
3 - take your DD out of the school.

The 3rd is not ideal but what is Is more important here? I’d say your daughters happiness and for this hell to stop. It’s not fair but you can’t get through to scum.

Good luck 🤞

I’d move

Goodness your poor DD.
We're finding something similar with my 12yr old DD, she has ASD and is a bit of a loner, somehow seems to have a bullseye painted on her over the years. This year its been the low level drip drip shit. Plus teasing her for her music choices, down to the book she's reading.

DD has just started to retaliate though, one girl tried to swipe her headphones out of her ears, but DD shoved her back and I've made it clear to her, she'll never get in trouble for lamping someone if someone hurts her first.
We've just enrolled her in a martial art class, she's protested loudly at the start as she detests all violence and thought we were taking her along to the equivalent of cage fighting (always had a vivid imagination 😂).
But she is enjoying it now and the jump in her confidence is fantastic.
I'd immediately change your daughters phone number though and look to see if you could advise her to come off social media (Instagram or whatever she is using) for a short period so she has some respite. I say that as a mum of a child though who only has WhatsApp, other social media has been banned here for the reason I don't want it being another method of being bullied, so I appreciate it might be harder if your daughter already uses it.

Please ignore every single post telling you or your daughter to fight back. What planet do these people live on? Keep going to the school, every time anything happens put a rocket up their arse and absolutely contact the governors. Call the local police station about the online bullying and screen shot every instance and send it to them when you contact them.

I’m so glad you say your daughter rises above it, is she okay though? Can you chat to her about it and find out what she wants to do and make sure she knows these children are absolutely awful and it’s nothing to do with her or who she is.

I’m an assistant head in charge of behaviour. Download the school’s behaviour policy from the website and quote from it in a complaint to the chair of governors ( details will be on website also). They have a legal duty to investigate and Head will become involved. Good luck,

I would be taking the bully to a dark alley and telling her that if this does not stop RIGHT NOW I would pull her eyes out of her sockets and push them up her arse. And from jail I would send her a friend of mine to keep tormenting her. Honestly, at this stage your DD's physical and mental health are at risk because of this psycho child. And nothing else will work.

@PinkCheetah

Tell your DD to lamp her. You think I'm kidding. The bullying soon stop though.

Who thinks who is kidding?

I have no doubt that you mean your words.

How old are you, by the way?

Send an email to the HT today saying your DD won't be attending school as she's ill due to the bullying and they have have so far failed to safeguard against things you need a specific plan of how they are going to prevent this happening anymore before she'll be well enough to return.

Don't allow them to call you and have anything off record. If they do call email back to confirm the conversation and what was said.

You need to make huge waves now. Make it clear they have a duty to protect her.

There's certain things on record and in writing schools will not ignore because it bites their arse when ofsted comes calling.

People are saying fight back because it works. It also gets her DD out of victim mentality. People who do nothing make easy targets. There will be alot of suppressed anger in her DD - better to hit yhe bully once and feel great than to spend thousabds on therapy.

Sorry typos

I don't suppose the bully is in social housing is she? And no I'm not stereotyping, I live on a council estate.

If she does then you can report the tenants to the landlord. It is surprising how many parents can suddenly control their own children when their home is under threat.

Even if the family are not tenants then the council can still issue a 'community protection order', you have film of the antisocial behaviour and the police are being crap it might be the way to go.

Also complain to the police about their lack of action.

Also do keep a record of all the bullies online work, in a couple of years the bully will be wanting to go to college or work, whether you disclose her online activity to a college is your decision of course.

I would definitely ring social services because it will make the other children's families take it more seriously it will also put a rocket up the schools ass to do something with social services questioning them and escalating.

www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/what-to-do-if-the-school-doesn-t-resolve-the-bullying/

This has a really good, step by step guide on how to escalate this situation.

It sounds horrific and I really hope your daughter’s school get their arsed in gear and sort it out.

When the school weren't addressing my daughters bully I raised a safeguarding complaint and stated the police would be called school premises everytime there was an incident

What a nightmare. I would really push the school to listen, ie contact Board of Governors, local govt. Mp etc demand a weekly meeting with staff/pastoral team/headteacher and make them accountable. Make a record of everything. Also anything remotely violent/ stslkerish report to police each time. Be persistent, school will want it resolved if you put pressure on.

Fighting back might not be a good suggestion as opens your daughter up to more ridicule and it's not fair that she has to stoop to their level if this is not her natural behaviour. It may also mean she gets seriously hurt if the bully is stronger and fights back.

Last resort, move your daughter.

Sorry not read the whole thread. I would go with the solicitor also. It's harassment and a failure on the schools part to intervene.

I really feel for you and your DD - we were in a very similar situation with my DS. Have you asked her if she wanted to move schools? If she does I'd definitely support that and get her moved. I appreciate a lot of people will say she shouldn't have to, don't let them win etc. but honestly it can take ages for schools to sort out things like that and it can still flare up when you least expect it.

My own DS was totally saved by lockdown which honestly for us was such a blessing. Yes all his A levels were on line, but he simply did the work and I was with him (in the background not visible) when he went on line. He handed over his phone to me and he came off all social media.

Hitting the bully could definitely make the op's DD more open to ridicule. I've seen this. It also middies the waters a bit. I knew a girl at school whose friend was absolutely horrible to her after a fall out. The girl lost it one day and did a really inept, slow motion punch. The horrible friend went to the doctor to get "proof" it was a punch, not a slap, so she and her parents could complain to the school. The girl who had hit her had to stay at home for a 'cooling off period' (a bit like suspension) and then come in to apologise to the girl who had been picking on her for months! It was the joke of the year and it was not the Hollywood ending some of the eejits on here seem to predict. And this was a girl who was awful to the teachers as well. My mum knew the head teacher who privately was happy someone had hit her (I know ), but she couldn't do a thing about it. It was no longer the girl being picked on, it was her being involved in a physical fight which she started, no matter how pathetic the punch!

The only good thing is that the horrible girl had an awful life after school. She was just a nasty piece of work and she did take that with her. But not much use at school.

That said, martial arts can improve confidence. But it doesn't mean you win the day by going round hitting people. Like it's a magical solution {eye roll}. There are so many more likely outcomes than, when this quiet, academic girl who presumably hasn't hit anyone before In her life, punches this bully, the bully cowers in a heap and leaves her alone forever more. Too many to list.

Muddies*