To feel at a loss as to what to do about my DD’s bully?

[TheWindow]

They’re 13 and this has been going on for about 6 months. Bully and her two sidekicks took an instant dislike to my DD and seem to be waging some sort of campaign again her, and nobody seems able to stop them.

They constantly create fake profiles and call from withheld numbers to harass her online. We control DD’s social media and phone use quite heavily, she has parental controls and time limits, and the girls have all been blocked on their usual numbers/accounts. Yet still they continue and no sooner than the social media companies ban one account, another appears.

They spread stupid rumours about her (she’s mentally ill, she’s gay, she once stabbed someone?!) around school, and have threatened (verbally) to stab her, yet the police were useless first time they came round - spoke to ringleader’s parents, who clearly don’t give a shit - and said ‘there’s not much we can do as ‘she’s only a kid’.

Bully and some boys came to our house over the weekend and threw stones and eggs at our house, DH caught it on camera. Police didn’t even come out.

DD has to be driven to and from school as the girl has gathered a big group of older teens to follow my DD and threaten her - yet the school have just spoken to her parents and said they’re ‘keeping an eye’.

Bully seems to be online at all hours of the night, out on the street at night, no supervision. Parents, school and police aren’t giving her any consequences. So of course she continues. I’m so fucking dresses out about it. Poor DD is a quiet, academic, sporty girl with a small group of close friends. She’s very low drama and to this day hasn't once replied or retaliated. She just holds up her head and walks away. But I’m fucking sick of it. What should I be doing next? I’m trying to be a good role model to DD by going through the proper channels, but right now I feel like chasing bully down the street and giving her the slap of her life.

I know pp’s are joking, but I sort of did what some of them are saying.

DD has been in a very similar situation to yours for 2yrs, only her bully was a 6 foot black belt in tae kwon doe, and a boy, with lots of friends.

I took the official complaints route, I spoke with police and called the school every other day to keep them upto date with everything. I spoke to the boys mum, who is actually lovely, but it was useless and DD started to develop anxiety and didn’t want to go to school.
He said something especially nasty to her one day, after befriending all her friends and encouraging them to join in.

Anyway, judge away I don’t care. I loudly and with plenty witnesses, confronted the little shit and whilst didn’t directly threaten him, told him it had better be the very last thing he ever says to DD.

No problem since then. He avoids DD now and she is so much happier. If I’d relied on the school to deal with it, we would still be in that situation and probably it would have become even worse.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Because it worked in some cases, doesn't mean it's the ideal solution. The op's house has already been targeted. I'm going to go ahead and guess that a telling off from her isn't something the bullies are living in fear of. Unless she has a reputation as a stone cold murderer or something, which in doubting, as she wouldn't be on here asking for help.

If its harassment could you go down the civil route if police are being feckless. If they then breech that police are obliged to uphold. Dunno is it worth seeking legal advice at least?

Ozanj- how does one hit a 13 year old child and not 'get caught'? Surely they'd just identify you? Unless you wear a balaclava

I'm doubting*

Stupid autocorrect

Have you spoken to the parents directly yet op?

I’d try that, and then report to social services if it continues.

For now though, your dd isn’t safe at school. I would pull her out and try and look for another school for now.

I’d go down the non molestation order suggested up thread. I’d get a camera put outside your home to record any damage to property. Your DD just needs to come off line until this ends.

I feel for your daughter & you must be proud that she seems to be coping well.

I would really push the school/governors to do something more - it’s not fair at all to your daughter.

Similar story to your daughters my niece has been through, she did change schools made no difference. Intimidation in town by a group mixed with older students. Police not interested at all ..until my niece snapped and did push/punch the girl. What happened next …my niece has had to go to police station to be questioned under caution for assault, assigned a solicitor. The whole situation we sat here in shock. The police have the records of the cyber bullying :( not interested at all.

If the school and police actually did something at the beginning of this bullying cycle we wouldn’t be where we are now waiting to see what will happen to a 17 year old whose mental health has taken a nose dive all because of 3 years of constant bullying she broke. She also now has a complete lack trust of authority (police especially that trust has gone)

I was going to suggest a solicitor, the threat of a civil case against the school?

Presumably at the moment the school is doing very little because it's easier not to address it than to take steps against the bully? Could you make it harder work for them not to take steps against the bully, by doing what some previous posters have suggested - escalating every incident, drawing it to the attention of the governors, just being the squeakiest wheel possible?

I also disagree with fighting back physically. I remember the bulky types at my school and they were a lot harder than me physically and probably more than my parents ! It could make the situation a million times worse . Also all bullies want attention so retaliating is playing into their hands.
Keep on at the school , defintekty the police re the damage to your property , report it as harrassment to the police, ofsted, governors and the press is a good thing to have up your sleeve if school keep trying to fob you off. Remember to use terms like safeguarding with school as this is what they're failing to do if it's started at school
Social service isn't a bad idea as they may be a family that are involved with social care already and it could be a piece of a jigsaw for them .
Also can you try and encourage the nice friends to boost your poor daughters self esteem - organise activities etc ...
all the best i really hope you can get this sorted

If it's possible, and if the dd wants to do this, op could pull her out of school and say she has to work from home until it's sorted and then get on at the school, as suggested. I'd also get her off social media for a bit.

Clearly, moving schools in the same area might not even help, if the bullies have friends at the new school. But it may help, even if it just gives her some respite during school hours. I think if she's ot of sight and mind by not being at their school or online, they'll sadly move on to someone else.

I think what people have said about legal routes to go down, such as a non molestation order and also speaking to SS might be good shouts too.

Really sorry about what happened to your niece @Timeforachangetoday12. I hope she's ok. I'd want to move to another country if that happened to my DD, but a bit like the notion that a wee slap and the bullying will stop like that, the reality is probably a lot more complicated.

Have you sent the school everything the bullies have sent your daughter by text? Has she written down every rumour they've spread? Have you written detailed lists of every time they called to harass her and sent that to the school? Have you sent them the CCTV of the egg throwing? You need to hound them about what is going on and report everything to them. You need to get their bullying policy and complaints policy and follow them to the letter - this will probably involve going to the governors. Send all evidence to them too, it's likely (I hope!!) that they will take it seriously but you need to go down the official channels.

Tell your daughter she is doing an amazing job of handling this but she is not being properly safeguarded currently by the school. Ask her if she is interested in moving school - to be honest I'd be considering moving away as it sounds like a horrible place to live, but that may not be possible. If she wants to leave tell her you are so proud of her and completely support her. If she wants to stay with her friends which she has every right to then tell her how proud you are of her and that you will keep pressuring the school and escalating the matter.

[quote StarfishDish]@HurryUpAndWait23 Have you ever been bullied? Bullies don't care about telling off from the teachers, bullying policies etc. They care about people that they deem to be 'weak' and fighting back usually puts a stop to that!![/quote]
100%

Your poor DD.
If she’s 13 I’d seriously think about moving her better done now than gcse years.
Can DD come off all social media for a bit. Hopefully they get bored and move on elsewhere.
If you have eggs/stones on camera keep chasing police and/or Pcso.
It’s sort of video that would be on Facebook community group around here - does anyone know who they are.
School. Report each and every incident. Keep a log. If no action escalate to governors and ofsted.

Schools only care about attendance figures so I’d pull her out until they start ringing up. Just ring the school office every day and say she is too scared to come.

Realistically there are only two options, neither of which are ideal or fair.

Firstly, move away to a new area and change school. Moving is necessary because they know where you live so even if you just change school they'll still target your home.

Second, she needs to fight back. This is risky because she could get badly hurt, but as other posters have said, bullies sometimes stop if they know the victim will fight back. Bullies love an easy target.

So basically those are your choices - avoid the bully, or confront them. The people who should be dealing with it - the school, the police and social services - won't get involved unless a serious incident happens (e.g. a serious assault or worse).

I had this when my dd was in high school.
I kept her off school and rang them and told them until they could fulfill their duty to safeguard my daughter then she would not be returning.
If the parents don't give a shit then there's no point talking to them. If you get no joy from the teachers then you need to go higher, go to the head then the governors then finally ofsted.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I know it's not many peoples approach but I always say if someone hits you, you hit them twice as hard back. It's the way I was taught. I don't lay a finger on my child so I do not expect anyone else too.

I'd have been out there if I witnessed them doing that to the house.

Sometimes you just got to fight fire with fire especially if the school aren't helping. Any older siblings, cousins?

Oh that's awful your poor DD.
I'd move schools to get away from them.
I know they say face your bullying but how when the girls clearly have no soul.

What I'd like to do is 👊 the bully myself unfortunately it is illegal.

Move her or home school the current school is useless and who wants to face their abuser every day.

@Spunout

If you write a letter to the school governors,this will have to be kept on file and when there's an Ofsted inspection,they'll want to know what action was taken.This will hopefully push the school to deal with the bully.

This is the first thing you should do if you haven't already. Make it clear that this letter is an official complaint.

Once you've made an official complaint to the head write to the chair of governors, the school will tell you who this is, address the letter to the school and cc in your local MP.
If things still don't improve you can contact your Local Education Authority and they would have to investigate the matter.

Anti-bullying charity Kidscape have a free advice line you can call

They will be able to offer practical advice on the best way to pressure the school and police into taking action.

I would switch the social media bullying around on them. Take screenshots of their posts, make a log of the bullying etc. When you have enough evidence, I would create a FB post and tag all of them in it describing their actions. I would set to share and post, and ask all my family and friends to share.

People hate bullies and I'm sure they would be publicly vilified.

Not the most mature approach but the "official" channels obviously aren't working.

I went through something similar as a teen and my mum told me to fight back and we would accept the consequences from the school.
Fight back I did, got suspended for a week but the bullying stopped.

The bully is a cunt and her parents are clearly cunts, which is even worse.

There is only one way to deal with cunts and that's to stop to their level. These kind of people have no respect for authority.

Mine would be

1. approach the bully yourself and warn them.

2. pay a kid who is older from another school to go and give her a slap and say to them if that she ever touches (your dds name), they'll come back for them and do much worse.