To feel at a loss as to what to do about my DD’s bully?

[TheWindow]

They’re 13 and this has been going on for about 6 months. Bully and her two sidekicks took an instant dislike to my DD and seem to be waging some sort of campaign again her, and nobody seems able to stop them.

They constantly create fake profiles and call from withheld numbers to harass her online. We control DD’s social media and phone use quite heavily, she has parental controls and time limits, and the girls have all been blocked on their usual numbers/accounts. Yet still they continue and no sooner than the social media companies ban one account, another appears.

They spread stupid rumours about her (she’s mentally ill, she’s gay, she once stabbed someone?!) around school, and have threatened (verbally) to stab her, yet the police were useless first time they came round - spoke to ringleader’s parents, who clearly don’t give a shit - and said ‘there’s not much we can do as ‘she’s only a kid’.

Bully and some boys came to our house over the weekend and threw stones and eggs at our house, DH caught it on camera. Police didn’t even come out.

DD has to be driven to and from school as the girl has gathered a big group of older teens to follow my DD and threaten her - yet the school have just spoken to her parents and said they’re ‘keeping an eye’.

Bully seems to be online at all hours of the night, out on the street at night, no supervision. Parents, school and police aren’t giving her any consequences. So of course she continues. I’m so fucking dresses out about it. Poor DD is a quiet, academic, sporty girl with a small group of close friends. She’s very low drama and to this day hasn't once replied or retaliated. She just holds up her head and walks away. But I’m fucking sick of it. What should I be doing next? I’m trying to be a good role model to DD by going through the proper channels, but right now I feel like chasing bully down the street and giving her the slap of her life.

1. get your daughter a new phone number.
2. move schools
3. the folks who harn around outside your house...I'd be setting up traps of shooting then with paint balls or something OR some kind if scare tactic in some way

Simplistically you need to make it less effort for the school and police to do something than for them not to do something so every time there is an incident, you need to make it easier for them to do something to the girl than to deal with you. I don't agree and it's not fair but you need to make the school and police dread an incident and to do something because they dread having to communicate with you.

Good luck.

@HurryUpAndWait23 So what exactly do you suggest?

I was bullied. I fought back. Ths bullying stopped. My bully definitely had 'cronies' and older siblings but my only regret was not doing it sooner!!

Find two fucking huge guys and send them around to the bully's house.

I also think that me being picked on at school, and me not moving was just an awful mistake, I guess by me not suggesting it, but also my parents not thinking of it either. It was clear I wasn't happy there and there were other options available to me. Yes, it did stop and I had quite a big group of friends (on the periphery of that group were some of the bullies! The main one had to ask me permission to come into my house one day as everyone else was - I was perfectly nice to her). But it did massively affect me socially. I now hate to feel trapped in any social situation.

I'd pull my kids out of school in a heartbeat if that's what they wanted, but then sometimes I know they really want to stay. Or maybe there are no other reasonable options. But it is definitely an option I'd be looking into if I was in op's position.

@HurryUpAndWait23

I was bullied in an identical way. And I thank God social media wasn't around back then. I feel so sorry for your daughter. I ended up moving schools in the end. I left my friends that I had know for years and it was a wrench but it was the best decision I ever made.

Like you are experiencing, police and school were useless.

She said on page one she found moving schools to be the best decision when she was being bullied. To whoever asked hurry if she had ever been bullied and also keeps asking what she would suggest ! Easy to miss a post!

Sorry, not speaking for you hurry! I just posted soon after you on page one, so remembered your post.

Make an appointment with the head and talk him through a bullet point list of everything. That has happened

Ask for a meeting with someone more senior within the police and ask what they are going to do about the constant criminal behaviour going on under their noses and their duty to protect your daughter. Point out that there are many, many documented cases of horrible consequences arising out of the failure to deal with this sort of persecution, maybe even hint at legal proceedings if they can't assure your child's safety .

I’d report it to the Police online, setting out that this is harassment and a hate crime, email the school, ask for the details of their anti bullying policy and their plan of action. I’d also speak with the local Police commissioner, id be a bloody nuisance though until it’s dealt with.

Police, and threaten to sue.

Wouldn't it be an absolute shame if the bully was accidentally tripped up & fell down the stairs.
Happened to the bully in my DSis's year. (DSis wasn't bullied or a bully but one of her friends was)
That child never bullied anyone again.
Disclaimer it wasn't me or DSis who tripped up the bully it was another one of her victims.

I demand a meeting with the head teacher and the head of year, I would have a list of incidents, and the effect that it is having on your child. demonstrate to them that you are keeping a copy for yourself, but they have one each to keep.

Tell them that you DEMAND that they act appropriately to protect DD whilst she is in the school environment. Further failures to act will result in you making a case to the LEA that the school are failing to safeguard DD from emotional and physical harm whilst she is there.

Ask them how they intend to move forward, ask for timescales, ask when they will update you.

Make it clear that you will not allow this to continue any further. you have given them reasonable chances, but you are prepared to make their failures known if they do not sort their act out.

I had to do similar a few years ago, it had always been quite low level until DD came home having been kicked and punched in the back and head. As soon as I threatened to make a case with the LEA based on their inability to safeguard the children they are responsible for, big changes were made.

I have not read the full thread but my dd had exactly the same, I reported school to offstead and it worked they moved fast

I’d literally don a balaclava and grab the bitch by the throat and threaten to smash her teeth in… probably not really but that’s what I want to do and think it’s the only language these bullying bastards understand. Sorry I know it’s not helpful xx

@Zilla1

Simplistically you need to make it less effort for the school and police to do something than for them not to do something so every time there is an incident, you need to make it easier for them to do something to the girl than to deal with you. I don't agree and it's not fair but you need to make the school and police dread an incident and to do something because they dread having to communicate with you.

Good luck.

absolutely this. I think if we do become that parent, who wants to know the ins and outs of the cats arsehole, and will unashamedly go in with notes of what you want to discuss, and you push (politely, but forcefully) for there to be deadlines, and plans of action agreed before you leave, you do find that they would rather not deal with you.

just be pushy, with clear expectations.... the LEA websites will have clear guidance on what their expectations are for schools when children are being bullied. I pulled up their safeguarding advice too.

I like the offstead reporting idea.

Those suggesting you do similar things back are being quite unrealistic.

It is unnecessary and damaging to resort to abuse as a form of retaliation. It's hard to believe that those suggesting it are responsible adults. They can't play the defending the child card when there will be many other ways to protect a child from the bullying that need to be exhuasted first.

Glad to see there is reasonable advice here.

I would probably march into the school and create merry hell. Every day until it was sorted out. They have a duty of care towards their pupils..

There's obviously something going terribly wrong with the bully's life too. SS might be a good idea. Something can't be right at home.

Moan about the school and the police all you want - if the parents don't give a shit a d are enabling the behaviour - f*all will change. Use your head people.

Martial arts for confidence and self-defence

Speak to head of year at school as well as LA (especially latter if you decide to pull your DD from school)

Have you escalated within the school then to department of education? I'm not familiar with UK, but I'm sure they'd be a process to escalate complaints within the school and then to authorities outside the school. Have a read of education department policies, copy those that apply and quote them in a written email or letter, keep a copy if the later and send registered mail so needs a signature, address it to the head or to the governors. Write down dates you know what's happened when, what schools response has been, document everything. Make it clear to the school that if nothing is done by X date and given they are not meeting z requirements, you will be escalating it to Y person whose the next step in school complaints procedure. You could also say that at that stage you would be contacting local MP too, or that if next escalation doesn't help you will be going outside the education system to seek a resolution. If you've done all this with no change, I would talk to her and ask her if she'd like to move schools.

DD was the victim of low level bullying by three ex friends in year 7/8 (two were twins) it wasn’t as bad or brazen as your DD op but it was bad enough.

They didn’t physically hurt her or come round to the house but they were very verbal in person and on social media and phone calls from various kids mobiles. They got carried away and roped in few others boys and girls to also be nasty to DD and plenty was said on Snapchat and in lessons etc. School rejigged the seating plans in classes where DD was sat with them.

I sent DH round to see the girls parents (as they lived round the corner and we knew the dad as I would have lost the plot) and we reported things to school but probably didn’t go far enough as I didn’t want to
antagonise things further and them take it out more on DD . School did absolutely nothing (other than let her move or move other kids around in the classes she had with them) but said they would keep an eye on things but the bullies got sneakier and managed to always sail just under the radar.

DD refused to even contemplate moving schools. Over time it wrecked her confidence, changed her personality and changed our relationship. Eventually DD stuck up for other kids who were being picked on at school, stuck up for herself and kept out of the way she also made a new group of friends (all less popular kids).

Yes, the school and the police should do more but the bullies may get sneakier so it may take awhile to get better.

In your case I would keep contacting school and the police and let them know you mean business. Maybe even suggest some counselling for your DD and or self defence classes.

Take care OP

As a child who was bullied I basically toughened up and started and won a fight with main bully ( despite some on here thinking that that isn’t a thing people do ) it worked . Then most people assumed I was tough and wouldn’t take shit and backed off Unfortunately telling the teachers etc etc didn’t work , sometimes violence is the only thing these people respond to

In terms of now as a mother honestly I’d WANT to physically hurt anyone who hurt my dc , naturally I wouldn’t . If my dc couldn’t do it them selfs then I think I would move them school within a heartbeat , it took along while for me to stick up for myself and by then the damage was done tbh , I wouldn’t hesitate to take my dc out of school untill something gets resolved

I don't know the legalities around it but could she wear a bodycam and get some evidence?