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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave a small child high and dry?

496 replies

SewhereIam · 13/09/2021 13:33

I give a lift to a boy in my dd's class, and drop him off after school. They live 30 mins from school, so I drive 20 mins in the wrong direction and then 30 mins on to school, and the same in the afternoon. We live a 10 min drive from school so it adds 40 mins to our morning.

I don't pick up my dd one evening after school, and don't drop off the following morning, due to ex--p's access. The mother of the other child has said I still need to do her school run as she has no other way of him getting to or from school. He is reception aged.

The child is always ready on time and is a lovely little boy, but nothing is contributed towards petrol etc and, while I don't expect it, I thought it was a short term thing while she sorted out suitable transport. It turns out I seem to be that suitable transport and she expects this for the rest of the school year!

I feel bad for saying that I will not collect her child.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 13/09/2021 13:47

I mean, some of these type of posts you can see are a little more awkward, when you live on the same street.

But who can’t say, “sorry - I don’t live anywhere near you, I can’t do this”? (not that a sorry is actually needed)

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 13/09/2021 13:47

Tell her it’ll make you late for work, that she needs to take him herself, had she not seen you at the gates she’d have had to have got there that day herself and have a plan for rest of the days?? I drive across town with mine for school but no room in my car (thankfully) for extras but if I did it would be a one off. Just say no, you don’t have to be unkind it doesn’t work for you as you’re going out of your way. He’s her child and her responsibility to get to school and then home as difficult as it might be.

EileenGC · 13/09/2021 13:47

Why isn't his mum doing the school run of HER child? It's not in your way, it's not your child - unless there's a terrible reason why this boy can't get to school without free lifts from classmate's parents, then it's not your responsibility.

His mum needs to organise transport for her child.

pigsDOfly · 13/09/2021 13:47

You need to tell her that you were under the impression that you were doing her a favour for a couple of weeks until she found a permanent arrangement but you can't do it long term.

Not only does she expect you to go out of your way to the tune of an extra 40 minutes but she's expecting you to do it even when you're not actually going there, unbelievable. And she's not paying anything towards it.

She should have had a permanent arranged in place before the start of school term.

You need to stand up to her and tell her you're not able to do it any more. Yes, it's going to offend her, but that's all to the good, you'll be rid of her.

It's not your responsibility to sort out her child's method of getting to school. Bloody cheek.

MagnoliaBeige · 13/09/2021 13:48

I’d send a quick message saying something like “I think there’s been a misunderstanding, I’m not able to pick up and drop off your child on an ongoing basis, I only offered as I thought it was a one-off problem. I can do it until Friday then you’ll have to make other arrangements”. Don’t get sucked into apologising or explaining, it’s her responsibility to get her child to school.

GemmaRuby · 13/09/2021 13:48

Sounds like the mum is going to go through the whole class until she finds someone who is too nice or finds it too awkward to say no… don’t let it be you OP.
She needs to take responsibility for her own child, it’s not up to you or any of the other parents to make arrangements for him.

Herja · 13/09/2021 13:48

Fuck that!

I'd not be doing that on any of the days, but I'd laugh in the face of anyone who suggested I do it on a day I didn't even have to do the school run! It's quite incredibly rude as a request (or demand in this case). Definitely don't feel bad about saying no. I can't believe anyone expected you to do this, is it a family member?

lockdownalli · 13/09/2021 13:48

Just tell her it doesn't work for you now - cheeky cow!!

If she persists in asking why, just say "personal reasons."

This isn't a lie. Your personal reason is you don't want to bloody do it!!

Cornettoninja · 13/09/2021 13:49

Just nope. Embrace being the bad guy to this woman and tell her enough enough. You don’t have an hour to spare daily and she needs to talk to the school if she really can’t get her own child there.

I feel sorry for her dc too, but the truth is you’re enabling her at the moment. Nothing is going to get better in this situation with you plugging the dam.

Minionbums · 13/09/2021 13:50

Do you even know this woman? Or are your children friends? This doesn’t make any sense. Why has she sent her child to Reception in a school she can’t get to?

Sn0tnose · 13/09/2021 13:50

No. The only thing you ‘need’ to do is put a stop to this cf taking you for a mug. She’s got no intention of making alternative travel arrangements. You are it. And she’s doing it because she knows you’ll blame yourself for leaving a small child high and dry, rather than placing the blame firmly where it belongs, which is with his mum.

Dear CF, I’ve given further thought to your demand that I ferry your child to school when I don’t have my own child and I can only conclude that it was either an attempt at a joke, or that you were drunk when you made it. Either way, it is the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I have spent my valuable time and my money ensuring your child gets to school because you have failed to make appropriate arrangements. I will not be doing this anymore. I will do one last favour for you by giving you a weeks notice, but I warn you now that if you so much as look at me sideways during pick up or drop off, I will simply drive away. I trust I have made my position very clear. Regards, SewhereIam.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 13/09/2021 13:50

Noooo. Say no now, otherwise this is going to carry on for the next six years. You owe her nothing.

MagnoliaBeige · 13/09/2021 13:51

@MagnoliaBeige

I’d send a quick message saying something like “I think there’s been a misunderstanding, I’m not able to pick up and drop off your child on an ongoing basis, I only offered as I thought it was a one-off problem. I can do it until Friday then you’ll have to make other arrangements”. Don’t get sucked into apologising or explaining, it’s her responsibility to get her child to school.
Actually I wouldn’t offer to do it until Friday, I’d stop it now. She’s outrageous!
Soubriquet · 13/09/2021 13:51

God no

My next door neighbour has a child in the same class as ds. It would be so easy to ask her to drop and pick up my dc as she’s going there anyway…but I don’t because it’s madness!

Sod driving an extra 20 mins out of the way to do it

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 13/09/2021 13:51

Nip it in the bud. This whole scenario is crazy. So basically this poor boy is the responsibility of one school mum to another based on who can be robbed off to do it? How does the mother even know your of good character? Did the boys mother not consider how she was going to get him to and from school? She needs to look for a local school pronto!

Tlollj · 13/09/2021 13:52

She actually said you need to do it to get her child to school?!
Just no.

steppemum · 13/09/2021 13:52

normal - last minute crisis (someone ill, car broken down, childcare fallen through) = please could you possibly, so king, THANK YOU.

max once or twice a term.

nice if friends = regular lift /drop off to club etc, or maybe weekly school drop off etc. Again THANK YOU so much, so helpful. return favour by having your child for the day, taking them out in holidays etc

what you are experiencing is NOT normal, not part of being helpful community.
Take child home today and say - ummm, not sure how this has become a daily thing? I picked up your child once as a favour and now you seem to think I should take child every day. Sorry, that is just not possible.
When she says - but he won't be able to go to school! Answer is - you got your school place last April, you have had 5 months to work out childcare and transport. It is your responsibility to get him to school, not mine.

Kales29 · 13/09/2021 13:53

Child is not your responsibility. I assume you offered and now stuck in this rut. It's not your fault she can't do the school. Adding 40 minutes to your morning is ridiculous. If she's stuck she can apply for some kind of transport to school or get a public bus with him. And definitely do not gift lifts when you your child is with this dad - that's beyond madness.

Bunnycat101 · 13/09/2021 13:54

You are absolutely mad to have said yes and even more so to feel guilty about saying no. You live no-where near her. Why on earth would you make your daughter spend all that extra time in the car for no reason and why didn’t you tell the mother under no uncertain terms would you be doing this regularly.

dreamingbohemian · 13/09/2021 13:54

@MagnoliaBeige

I’d send a quick message saying something like “I think there’s been a misunderstanding, I’m not able to pick up and drop off your child on an ongoing basis, I only offered as I thought it was a one-off problem. I can do it until Friday then you’ll have to make other arrangements”. Don’t get sucked into apologising or explaining, it’s her responsibility to get her child to school.
This exactly!
Winter2020 · 13/09/2021 13:54

You can’t spend the next few years going 40 mins out of your way every day to drive around a strangers child. Just tell them you can’t/won’t do it (any day). If it is the closest school or they are on a low income they may be able to get school transport they need to contact the Council to find out. They (the boy’s family) not you - as how he gets to school is nothing to do with you).

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 13/09/2021 13:54

Just stop it OP

You are not responsible

Why are so many women on MN so scared to say “no”?!

Madness

ApolloandDaphne · 13/09/2021 13:54

You need to tell her you were only doing her a favour until she got proper transport sorted out for her DS and that you will no longer be able to help her. Be very clear about this. She is a CF and no mistake!

Holskey · 13/09/2021 13:55

What the fuck?!

When CF makes clear she expects this to continue (e.g. "I'll see you tomorrow" etc) you say:

"I'm happy I could help you for this past week, but of course I assumed you'd arrange something long-term. Obviously it's unfair for my dc to spend so long in the car on a daily basis, not to mention the increase in my fuel bill"

Angel2702 · 13/09/2021 13:55

You need to nip this in the bud now, absolutely do not do a school run on days you are not even taking your own child.

You need to explain you offered to help as a short term favour whilst she arranged transport, you cannot be a permanent solution.

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