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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To finally leave DP over this?

236 replies

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:07

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/09/2021 11:18

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

TicTac80 · 19/09/2021 11:25

Well done for speaking up. How are you holding up? Have you got good people around for support? It's good if you can keep things amicable, definitely makes things a lot easier. x

LittleOwl153 · 19/09/2021 11:28

Today is a new beginning then. Good luck. Life will get better! 🍻

FlibbertyGiblets · 19/09/2021 11:34

Good. And when he puts on his sad little face hovering on the doorstep for the last time, wibbling chin and all that, just shut the door on him.

JingsMahBucket · 19/09/2021 11:34

@Pnkpicklep that’s wonderful. I was concerned he was going to linger and make you force him out. Please take care of yourself today.

Original poster
Pnkpicklep · 19/09/2021 11:38

I feel a bit numb to it all to be honest, it's very strange. Mostly I'm feeling a bit scared about the future, he's moving in with a friend about 4 hours away so it's just me and DS now

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2021 11:46
Thanks

I am utterly shocked that he is moving so far away from his DS what a selfish shit he is.

mcmooberry · 19/09/2021 11:53

Aw good luck for the future. I know there will be some low times but it feels like the right decision. Thank goodness you can afford to be rid of him, many times people are stuck.
4 hours away though, it really is shocking.

BlueSuffragette · 19/09/2021 11:53

Well done OP. Onwards and upwards. Best of luck. Flowers

ThinWomansBrain · 19/09/2021 11:59

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

He is out with his ex? Perfect time to shove his stuff into the garden. And lock the door.
lock the door? did you mean call the locksmith and change the locks?
JingsMahBucket · 19/09/2021 12:01

@Pnkpicklep him moving so far away will likely make your life easier, especially if you don’t try too hard to force a co-parenting relationship with him. From your initial descriptions he seems like someone who just lets things happen to him as he passively watches. I’m guessing he’s not very active with your son now anyway?

I’d mentally gear yourself up for your ex only seeing your son once a month. I’d also rely on your family for childcare and weekends off. Were you doing that already anyway? Try to arrange child maintenance payments now and just pretend he doesn’t exist.

TicTac80 · 19/09/2021 12:05

[quote JingsMahBucket]@Pnkpicklep him moving so far away will likely make your life easier, especially if you don’t try too hard to force a co-parenting relationship with him. From your initial descriptions he seems like someone who just lets things happen to him as he passively watches. I’m guessing he’s not very active with your son now anyway?

I’d mentally gear yourself up for your ex only seeing your son once a month. I’d also rely on your family for childcare and weekends off. Were you doing that already anyway? Try to arrange child maintenance payments now and just pretend he doesn’t exist.[/quote]
I agree. Also, him being so far away means that it’s less likely you’ll bump into him around town, or that he’ll just show up as when he feels like it. I know that sounds weird me saying that, but it will prob be easier for you in not worrying about suddenly seeing him. X

JingsMahBucket · 19/09/2021 12:07

@TicTac80 good point. Avoiding seeing him will definitely help in the first few months to a year in terms of emotionally healing yourself @Pnkpicklep.

daviesbrownsmithgreen · 19/09/2021 12:14

It just shows how much of a selfish arsehole he is that he is moving 4 hours away from your son. Although it will be easier for you to move on from him. Your son is lucky to have a mum who cares so much for him.

DomPom47 · 19/09/2021 12:21

Good luck to you and your son. You will be feeling all sorts of things just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process everything. You have got this 💐

manybirdsnests · 19/09/2021 12:34

^ What all the pps said.
When the dust has settled you'll see that you're well shot and so is your son. You'll be a great little team! Good luck!

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 12:36

This will be better in the long run.

You will settle into a new routine without his toxic presence.

This is good OP.

You are much stronger than you think.
Flowers

TiredButDancing · 19/09/2021 12:37

Well, the fact that he's moving 4 hours away from your DS is a clear sign that this isn't a good guy OP. Stay strong - it's not easy but will get easier.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/09/2021 12:38

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Bag his belongings and put them outside. Lock the doors and leave the keys turned so he can't get in.
No don’t follow the mn change the locks sassy bad advice If his name is in tenancy or mortgage you can’t decline him access If it’s your home solely you can decline access Chucking his belongings out is momentarily satisfying but actually just up the ante for an acrimonious split. You have a child and need to maintain some modicum of safe & cordial parenting (even if you don’t mean it)
DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 19/09/2021 12:39

I’d have a bottle of champagne on ice if I were you for when the van trundles off with that twat in it

Yes you will feel sad for a while but that’s grieving a life that was even further away from you with him in it. It will get better.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/09/2021 12:41

I hope you & son are ok. Gather your friends for support and take it day to day

Mytooferts · 19/09/2021 12:41

The start of a new, bright chapter Flowers

ShellieEllie · 19/09/2021 12:48

I'm not convinced he will be moving 4 hours away, he may well be saying that to shirk the responsibilities of fatherhood and having to care for his child on occassions. Sounds like a crap dad whatever he's up to.

Well done OP, you're well rid!

ejhhhhh · 19/09/2021 12:57

Good riddance. And moving 4 hours away from your DS is a shitty thing to do.

DressBitch · 19/09/2021 13:00

Congratulations.