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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To finally leave DP over this?

236 replies

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:07

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 19/09/2021 13:01

@Pnkpicklep I've just seen your post. So sorry you are going through all this. I've been where you are and I promise you'll be fine. It's easier to parent as a single parent than have a partner that does nothing but still be around.
Let the dust settle and leave him to contact you about contact. Don't chase him.
Try and find out what you'll be entitled for rent etc. Good luck Flowers

Plumtree391 · 19/09/2021 13:01

@Pnkpicklep

So I don't want to go into too much detail about the original big problem we had as it is a very specific situation so super outing but basically he was speaking to his friends about things in our relationship that I think should have been kept private and also the way he was speaking about me was very disrespectful. When I told him that was really upsetting to me he played it of like he didn't know that would upset me and it was my fault as I hadn't told him certain subjects were off limits to talk to other people about. He got quite manipulative about it with the way he tried to turn the whole situation into being my fault which hurt more than what he did in the first place tbh.
That is bad. Some people have no idea about confidentiality but your husband should have learned by now, he's been with you long enough.

I don't know what it is about some men (I know that is sexist but it is true, I've seen it often enough), finding it so very difficult to apologise. Many a relationship has been rocky or even broken up because of this typical characteristic. They hate admitting to being in the wrong.

I feel very sad for you being the subject of gossip between your partner and friends. What goes on between a couple should stay between them (unless there is abuse or something similar), if someone needs to unburden they should choose a person uninvolved and far away from the situation.

Presumably his ex girlfriend is a friend and you know her. However he shouldn't put the meeting with her above your needs and I'm sure, if she is a true friend, she wouldn't want him to do that. She probably doesn't know how things are with you at present.

I don't know what you should do, frankly, but don't blame you for wanting out. Can you afford to live alone with your child? It will obviously take time to organise; you say you rent a house from his family but they may be on your side if you split so you can stay and he goes. However it's worth trying to communicate calmly for one last time.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

whynotwhatknot · 19/09/2021 13:03

Mke sure you phone cms and sort out maintenance doesnt matter where he lives hes still got to pay

Lilymossflower · 19/09/2021 13:05

Leave asap he is an utter dickhead

museumum · 19/09/2021 13:06

I’m so glad he’s gone. We’ll done.

I did just want to mention about boundaries. In your first post when he said “do you really need me to take Ds” you should have said “yes. I do. I need some time to myself”.

This will happen again regarding contact time etc. Please learn to be firm with him. Tell him clearly - “yes, it’s your time with ds you need to take him”. No backing down. Please.

Thehop · 19/09/2021 13:11

He’s moving 4 hours away? What a cock nostril.

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/09/2021 13:12

It's onwards and upwards from her OP. Not everyday but most day. Being on your own is less work than being with someone who always let's you down.

Notimeforaname · 19/09/2021 13:13

Yeeehaaaa. Great op. Its natural your feelings are all over the place. But this is great. Good luck to you and your son !Grin

Twillow · 19/09/2021 13:14

Better now than later. And well done for making your decision and stating it like that. He didn't even fight for you - that must have been upsetting, but at the same time it always was the root of the problem.
I wouldn't be surprised if you hear down the line he's back with the ex.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/09/2021 13:14

You’re doing the right thing for yourself and DC. You may feel lonely for a while, but what did you really have with such a selfish and uncaring man? Just get onto CMS and make sure he pays maintenance, or he will keep trying to mess you around.

Best of luck, OP. Better times are ahead, and in fact they’re already starting. Xx

ohfourfoxache · 19/09/2021 13:15

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

futureghost · 19/09/2021 13:17

He sounds utterly horrible. Get rid. DOn't spend the next decade or more being miserable because of him.

greenlynx · 19/09/2021 13:22

Hope it’s a new good start for you and DS. Flowers

NewlyGranny · 19/09/2021 13:25

A weight has been lifted, OP. He was unreliable and disappointing, so you won't be doing any more than you were, you'll just lose the resentment that seeing him sitting around provoked before.

He seems the type to have "arrangements" with exes. Make sure he doesn't have one with you!

IAAP · 19/09/2021 13:26

Fundamentally you nailed yourself to the vast just one more chance means one more not two or three. This is why people who have affairs generally do it more than once. Partner forgives - they try for 6 months and then do the same again this time - you forgave last time etc and this time the argument is nearly always you didn’t forgive me and trust me so I may as well do it- or at least this is what they use. You told him to step up he didn’t. I look back at my marriage and I think of the major red flags I just didn’t see, eg heavily pregnant and wanted him to look after eldest and he appeared in running gear with a sad little face and sad about his mental health and running and it’s importance - and then I felt I had to look after eldest despite being very ill - he didn’t care about my physical health.

IAAP · 19/09/2021 13:28

@Pnkpicklep

So when he came back I tried to stay calm and just said "this isn't working anymore, I'd like you to move out" Surprisingly he agreed, said it wasn't working for him either and he would be out by the end of the week. I'm a bit frustrated just because he sees this as we aren't compatible but ending things on good terms whereas I have a lot of resentment for how he's treated me during our relationship. But I've kept that all in, he's still the father of my son so we need to get on to be able to parent him effectively.
Good get yourself some therapy it’s a great investment
Seventhascent · 19/09/2021 13:30

Bless you op, he really treated you shittily, if that's a word, and I totally 'get' your frustration but take the higher road. Keep in mind how much worse it would have got if you has stayed! You are really doing the right thing and being courageous for your ds Flowers

HikingforScenery · 19/09/2021 13:31

All the best OP. Onwards to better things for you Flowers

Cherrysoup · 19/09/2021 13:31

Moving 4 hours away? I think that just demonstrates how he feels about you and your ds. Get a cms claim in but don’t expect to see much of him. It may not feel like it right now, but you’re probably better off without him in your life.

TillyTopper · 19/09/2021 13:34

Good luck OP, concentrate on yourself and your DC. You will realise over time you are better off without him I'm sure.

Temphelp · 19/09/2021 13:37

He’s such a shitty partner and father that I’m truly shocked this relationship lasted so long. He’s an utter disappointment and, when he looks back, he will feel shame and regret. Trust me, they always do.

You, on the other hand, now have a million options. Be there for your son, make his happiness a priority and look after yourself. I truly wish you the best from the bottom of my heart, you deserve happiness and calm.

Be strong. This is not your loss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/09/2021 13:38

Good riddance. What a vile man moving 4 hours from his ds. Does he not work?

Christinatherabbit · 19/09/2021 13:39

I didn't see the first time round but just wanted to wish you luck. I've been there and the first few days possibly weeks will be hard but just concentrate on getting through each day one at a time. What you did was very brave and the fact he didn't put up any type of resistance means you have absolutely done the right thing and if you hadn't ended it you would have just been waiting for the day he did. I'm so glad it was you not him! Good luck. You will be fine

Theluggagerules · 19/09/2021 13:45

Good luck, you will do great just you and your child

Italiangreyhound · 19/09/2021 13:46

Good luck OP.

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