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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
KissedintheDark · 12/09/2021 13:43

You'd think the poor woman had asked for a kidney judging by some of the replies on here.
She's probably desperate to get out of hospital asap but won't be allowed to discharge until her injections at home are sorted out. So, to hurry things along she has asked a friend and neighbour for help giving her injections - that's all. The neighbour has refused - job done.

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 13:45

Yep @TheCanyon it is essential tremor. It's pretty bad lost of the tome but worse when I have to "perform" and giving an injection would come under that.

I'm not going to call the hospital. Weighing it all up it feels as though it would be getting more involved rather than less. And I feel like it would be humiliating. She has said she'll make the staff aware she doesn't have anyone to do the injections so I will take her at her word.

Oh can't go away anywhere as DD has school and my family are miles away so we only go during school holidays.

I will get some things planned with friends during the week though so I can appear busy and not at her beck and call. That will do me a lot of good too actually. It's hard to be busy when I'm not well myself as most of the time I do appear to be knocking around with nought much to do!

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 12/09/2021 13:46

If it's clexabe injections, they are really easy. Why can't she do them herself?

diddl · 12/09/2021 13:47

I think it all started quite innoculously Op.

Picking up a few bits for a neighbour whilst you're at the shop anyway...

What did she do before you moved in I wonder?

Did her kids help & she now has told them not to as you don't mind/it's easier for you?

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 13:47

@jellybeanteaparty

I wonder if suggesting she pays for a daily person/carer who pops in and does the injection plus something else she would benefit from. ( cleaning, laundry, preparing lunch) This would then increase the support she receives as it sounds like her family wont be able to cover any increasing needs
There's no money. She's in a council property, no savings, basic pension. I have tried to gently suggest she checks with CA that she's getting everything she's entitled to but conversation was shut down. And fair enough, not my business.
OP posts:
Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 13:48

@diddl

I think it all started quite innoculously Op.

Picking up a few bits for a neighbour whilst you're at the shop anyway...

What did she do before you moved in I wonder?

Did her kids help & she now has told them not to as you don't mind/it's easier for you?

I often wonder this!
OP posts:
simitra · 12/09/2021 13:52

Its so easy to fall into this kind of surrogate relationship with a needy person (of any age). But easier to feel guilty when the needy person is older. Its almost as if they were "grooming" the other into being a carer. As OP points out its almost an advantage not to drive or to have health problems of ones own which prevent one from doing physical things.

I gradually got into this kind of relationship of filling out benefit forms plus making all her calls and requests to various agencies for an older neighbour who had a grown son living with her. He was able bodied and drove a car but "not good" at things like that.

In my case a male relative intervened and firmly pulled down the shutters without a pang of guilt.

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 13:57

Who said they won't send anyone out? Normally s District nurse would come to her house and do the injections.

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 14:03

@boxonthehill

No the hospital haven't called me. If they did that I would definitely make it clear I wasn't taking the responsibility. It's the going behind her back I don't like the idea of.
If you were to call the hospital just say that she has asked more than once if you can help and you have said no, so you wanted to make sure that your name has not been given to them. Other than that it's not your concern what measures have been put in place, so don't ask or suggest anything else.
earthyfire · 12/09/2021 14:04

I'd also be very careful. My mother found herself being an unpaid carer to various people; distance family members, neighbours etc and was with some as they took their last breaths, all these people had adult children who could have stepped in and as my mother could never say no they took advantage of her kind nature. My mum ended up having an nervous breakdown, not one family member of the people my mum cared for bothered to see if my mother was ok.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2021 14:05

I'm not going to call the hospital. Weighing it all up it feels as though it would be getting more involved rather than less. And I feel like it would be humiliating. She has said she'll make the staff aware she doesn't have anyone to do the injections so I will take her at her word

Nothing could be fairer, OP; it is after all your decision to make, and if she has capacity she can obviously make her own decisions (and live with the consequences)

All I'd add is to prepare yourself for if this mysteriously "falls through" and she asks you again, this time in some desperation

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 14:06

She probably never even asked any of the kids and just assumed you'd do the injections, and that's what sheet told the hospital.

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 14:06

Sheet- she's

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 14:07

I see you've decided not to call the hospital - good decision.

Marmelace · 12/09/2021 14:11

She probably hates the idea of having help from people she doesn't know and the thought of someone familiar is comforting to her. My Grandad hated carers in his home, he was so old school soldier stiff upper lip, my mum and I did everything for him, mainly my mum to be fair. But she does need extra help obviously. Though I doubt she has a devious agenda in all this.

Flawedperfection · 12/09/2021 14:15

You sound lovely, OP.
But as a carer myself, please do NOT do this. What happens if something goes wrong? The useless offspring won’t hesitate to take legal action against you. I have seen similar cases. No good deed goes unpunished.
And do NOT become an unpaid carer. It will never end. When the time comes the family won’t bother to arrange a paid one- they’ll say “Oh, Alice, mum’s neighbour will do it”. Again, have seen this many a time as well!

amicissimma · 12/09/2021 14:18

I think it would be very inappropriate for you to take on something as personal as giving her injections. I don't think it would be appropriate for you to administer any medication in the circumstances you describe. Nor do I think it would be appropriate for you to involve yourself in her relationship with the hospital by contacting them, so I am glad to see that you have decided against that.

I think you should tread very carefully here as you don't really know the ins and outs of her relationship with her children. You could find yourself at the receiving end of their disappointment/wrath/legal action if something goes wrong with their mother and you were involved, even if you don't think there is a link - could you definitively prove it?

A little social contact, the odd meal, helping out with some chores such as shopping seem fine and kind. Involvement at any level with her medical, financial, family or legal matters is best avoided as it could be a minefield.

Moelwynbach · 12/09/2021 14:18

I think it is too much to take on especially if you wanted to go away it would be left to you to sort cover, equally it is a lot for her children to comit to even on a rota. She needs to address this either by doing it herself or by asking a District Nurse to come. She can also pay home carers to do this task too.My mother in law has problems with her blood sugar and needs daily injections it is not sustainable always to have people who are unpaid whether they are family or friends doing the job.

Cuck00soup · 12/09/2021 14:19

@drinkingwineoutofamug

Do you know what ward she's on? We've had relatives phone us saying mum/dad/friend has said we will do xyz but we can't. Can you give them a call and explain the situation, it makes for a safer discharge if they know what's going on at home. The ward should do a referral for the district nurses.
Was going to say exactly the same.

Community Nursing Team will do them, but the referral needs to be completed by ward staff pre-discharge. Usually with at least 24 hours notice.

Ward staff can't complete the referral if they don't know it's needed....

Cuck00soup · 12/09/2021 14:28

Oh no, just read your update. Please do call the hospital. They won't be able to discuss her with but can listen to you.

Bluntly, if they hospital don't know there is no one to give the injections, they won't organise alternative care. Don't leave yourself in a position where you are emotionally blackmailed into given her injections "because there is no alternative".

I'm always very happy when responsible neighbours ring up. It means the right discharge plan can be set up.

milkyaqua · 12/09/2021 14:31

Bluntly, if the hospital don't know there is no one to give the injections, they won't organise alternative care. Don't leave yourself in a position where you are emotionally blackmailed into given her injections "because there is no alternative".

I agree with this. It is all very well to be concerned for her feelings about this; but I think you should be proactive and selfprotective and let the hospital know, so that there is no misunderstanding there. You can't set a boundary and worry about the other person's feelings about your setting a boundary at the same time.

headintheproverbial · 12/09/2021 14:33

Just say no. It's quite simple

Why on earth can't she do it herself??

billy1966 · 12/09/2021 14:40

Her children telling her No is one thing, not helping her to source an alternative indicates little interest.

It may be that she wasn't a great parent or that she could have had selfish children who were never terribly interested.

It happens.

The bottom line is you have your child and health issues.
Getting sucked into a carer role for a woman you have barely met, is madness and not in your best interest.

It never remains a little help IME, it is a boiling frog analogy of endless tasks that end up taking over your free time.

Not on when you have a child and your own health to focus on.
Flowers

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 12/09/2021 14:41

Don't call the hospital

BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/09/2021 14:41

They're too busy with work/ kids. One son has teenage kids all at school and the other has small ones at primary school. It's really sad to be honest.

I wouldn't rush to assume they're being unfair to their poor little old lady of a mother. This woman is happy to let you do things on her terms (and not when it doesn't suit her, like checking her benefits so she could maybe afford a carer) and has behaved like a CF when she's presented the 'fact' that you'll be doing her injections as a fait accompli. CFers usually have the hide of a rhino and are jolly good at steamrollering people like this while pretending they're not being at all unreasonable - trust me, I know! That she thinks injections aren't a colossal ask (and they bloody well are) is also CF territory.

Maybe the children and in-laws have boundaries and distance for a reason.