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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My parents miss out on their grandchild

288 replies

Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 04:54

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

OP posts:
Bigboysmademedoit · 12/09/2021 10:08

I feel so angry in your behalf - to leave an only child with no financial support and no family support is just awful. YANBU at all to cut them off - they add noting to you our life and you’ve got your own little one to build a family unit with. They don’t deserve to have contact which no doubt salves their conscience.

Sarcobaleno · 12/09/2021 10:11

@Subbaxeo I'm very sorry that you lost your parents so young and then life was difficult. I think the situations are different though. Having been through losing a parent and parental rejection I can tell you that they are very different types of pain. Not to diminish either at all, but to have your parents not care like they should hurts in a way little else has to me.

Chickychickydodah · 12/09/2021 10:17

I want to give you a hug and say you have done a wonderful job after they left you .I would delete them from your life and focus on your baby and give it everything you missed out on.
Family (parents) canbe nearby and still be not interested in your life, life is very cruel sometimes but moving ahead I wish you all the best with baby 💐

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 10:21

@Shimmyshimmycocobop

Brefugee maybe RTFT before calling the op a sulky child. I never understand people like you who come on to threads like these to kick someone when they're down

I can only assume @Brefugee has misread the opening post because she is usually the voice of reason on threads and very empathetic.

MintyGreenDream · 12/09/2021 10:22

I think you are a really strong person coping with all that at such a young age

daytripper28 · 12/09/2021 10:29

@Draineddraineddrained

Her parents treated her appallingly - it's totally the OP's shout if she wishes them not to have a realtionship with their grandchild. Of course it is!!

Subbaxeo · 12/09/2021 10:30

[quote Sarcobaleno]@Subbaxeo I'm very sorry that you lost your parents so young and then life was difficult. I think the situations are different though. Having been through losing a parent and parental rejection I can tell you that they are very different types of pain. Not to diminish either at all, but to have your parents not care like they should hurts in a way little else has to me. [/quote]
Unfortunately, I was an unwanted baby-my dad was fine but my mum really resented having me around. They had me late in life and I think it was a shock to her. I was so used to fending for myself that when she went into hospital and was in and out a few years up to her death, life carried on as normal! It was only from being with other families I realised it wasn’t normal. It made me a better parent though-although I’ve been very keen for them to be able to cope independently.

Brefugee · 12/09/2021 10:42

Another person without any empathy. I do wonder what your own parents were like.

And whoever else mentioned me - yes, i have a lot of empathy, but tbh this ship has sailed. And of course (which i neglected to mention so sorry about that) leaving their daughter at 17 was appalling, at least one should have stayed at least for a while.

But this is 10 years ago - they aren't going to change. I'm a pragmatic realist, i live in a different country (but much closer than OP) to my parents, and the decision included a lot of soul searching about familial relationships and my DC.

OP, you don't mention, have you had therapy to help you come to terms with what amounts to abandonment? That may help you with your future relationship with your parents, if you want one.

Life can be all kinds of shitty, but having been through some stuff in my life, what i have realised is that the best way to get through the shitty stuff is to work out how best to get on with the hand you've been dealt.

Yaya26 · 12/09/2021 10:43

Wow - big hugs. How awful. They sound so selfish. My daughter is 8 I could never imagine moving away from her. You should be so proud of yourself. Xx

Brefugee · 12/09/2021 10:43

thanks @takehomepay i did miss the act that she was so young, i read 30 now and 10 years ago. Mea culpa and apologies to OP for that.

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 10:48

I’d have no problem with just cutting them off. Sad as it may be, harbouring resentment will get you nowhere.

user7012893145776 · 12/09/2021 10:52

That's awful op, I'm so sorry your parents did this to you.

Cut them off although you may find that they move back because they need you to care for them in the future.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 12/09/2021 10:56

Decide what makes you feel best. Cut them off or only see then on your own terms. They do sound like neglectful parents.
Focus on what you want and repairing your own mental health so that you can enjoy your new baby. Smile

SarahBop · 12/09/2021 11:01

[quote Sa09aez]@Draineddraineddrained
My parents arranged for me to live with my grandmother, but she passed away weeks before my parents left. I then lived by myself in
my grandmothers empty property (until my mother sold it 2 years later).

I funded myself from the moment they left. They did not give me any financial support - I have not received any money from them.

I visited them twice, tickets are well over a thousand pounds. I can’t afford to visit them regularly.[/quote]
Holy shit!!

The left a 17yo, freshly grieving, minor rattling around in their deceased grandparents house?? They sound like absolutely selfish, shitty parents.

Sorry for the tough upbringing you have had OP.

I don't think you need to 'cut them off' as such...just see how things go, and make peace with the idea that they are selfish and won't be in your childs life much atall.

Sarcobaleno · 12/09/2021 11:02

@Subbaxeo it sounds like you have had a very tough time, and I agree that it motivates you to do things better for your own kids. Also agree teaching your kids independence but with love is so good for them.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/09/2021 11:03

Yanbu. They're horrible parents leaving you behind at 17. Flowers

Comedycook · 12/09/2021 11:04

I think that's shocking behaviour from them. I don't blame you op. As a bare minimum I'd have expected they'd have left you well provided for and set up before they buggered off abroad.

How awful. They sound very selfish.

Subbaxeo · 12/09/2021 11:12

@Sarcobaleno yes, but I so appreciate my life now. Lovely husband and children and perspective has helped understand my mum-she had a tough life.
For the OP, from that start in life, it sounds as though you are a daughter to be proud of and normal loving parents would be just that. As they’re lacking in that department, it’s time for you to be proud of yourself and focus on the lovely family you’ve created.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 12/09/2021 11:13

Genuinely can’t get my head around parents dumping a 17 year old, that’s horrid. They could have waited even just a couple of years until you were an adult with little affect to their lifestyle.

They are obviously very self centred. Focus on building a beautiful life with your DC and don’t waste any money going to visit them.

TicTac80 · 12/09/2021 11:33

[quote Sa09aez]@Draineddraineddrained
My parents arranged for me to live with my grandmother, but she passed away weeks before my parents left. I then lived by myself in
my grandmothers empty property (until my mother sold it 2 years later).

I funded myself from the moment they left. They did not give me any financial support - I have not received any money from them.

I visited them twice, tickets are well over a thousand pounds. I can’t afford to visit them regularly.[/quote]
This is horrifying. I'm so so sorry that they did this to you. I'm 41 and have 2DC. I just can't imagine doing this to them.

You're not wrong at all for resenting them! I like BurningBright's idea: look after yourself and your family, focus on yourself/family/baby/close friends and relegate your "D"Ps to being distant relatives (if that!). I wish you all the very best xx

Wannago · 12/09/2021 11:44

Sorry how does not wanting to move away make what the OPs parents did ok? 🤔

I agree with this.

Look I left my 17 year old for four months by himself in our house while we went abroad ... but:
a) I offered for him to defer starting A Levels and come with us and start A levels the following year, but he prefered to start with his friends;
b) we offered to find somewhere for him to stay, and sounded out some friends, but he took the view that he was old enough to look after himself and preferred to stay in the house;
c) I packed the freezer full of food;
d) I arranged for a friend who lives around the corner to pick up shopping for him while she did hers (and paid her some money into a bank account that we set up so she had enough to draw on);
e) we arranged for the neighbour across the road (who has always been a bit like a surrogate grandparent, as my husband's parents are both dead, and mine were the reason we were going, as they live overseas in the country I was born in and are now frail) to keep an eye on him, and she made sure he knew he was welcome to drop round for meals or a chat whenever;
f) we arranged for three other friends, plus his uncle and aunt, plus his married cousins to invite him for meals, so he ate out at least twice a week;
g) I made sure school knew, in case there were any issues;
h) we flew him out over the Xmas holidays to be with us, and then met him half way on our way back (February half term) and all came home together.

I am so glad we did this, as we came back just before Covid hit, the borders are now closed, and both my parents are now in hospital overseas, and there is a reasonable chance I won't see either of them again. Sometimes it does make sense to leave a 17 year old to finish off their schooling. And he was probably right to go on with his A levels and to avoid the disruption of staying with somebody else when he could manage fine on his own. But not the way the OP's parents did it. There was just so much wrong with the way the OP's parents did it that it is gobsmacking.

forrestgreen · 12/09/2021 12:06

When they come back each two years, I really hope they don't stay with you.
And op please rationalise that you will never be providing care for them and quite rightly so.

I think you're right to feel sad about your child missing out but they were never going to be good grandparents, they didn't even manage to parent

BiBabbles · 12/09/2021 12:40

I don't think you're wrong or unreasonable for resenting them.

However, it's not likely to help. I know how desirable it is want neglecting parents to at least show some sign of remorse, to genuinely care, to have that part of reality recognized by those who hurt us and have them change, but it's unlikely to happen. Even if it did, it likely wouldn't be as healing as expected and they'll be the parents you want and deserved, at least from my experience having my father apologize to me in my mid-thirites.

You have to consider no contact from whether it will improve your wellbeing, not how it will affect your parents. That affect is not something in your control. How will you feel not dealing with them again?

If it was the other way round, a young adult leaving their parents to follow an opportunity and live abroad, you wouldn't be getting told that was selfish, you would be getting told you have one life, live it, see the world, cut the apron strings, they can't guilt trip you into staying . This is just the reverse of that, but I don't see that it's particularly selfish.

Maybe it's because I was 17 when I immigrated, but I really don't see that as a reverse. A 17 year old has no legal responsibility to care for their parents, has no ability to enter contracts or do many of the actions required to do so, they're not the ones who've tied an apron string to anyone. The power dynamics between parent and child cannot be reasonably flipped when the child is still a minor, if at all.

Also, the legal situation around that has changed and many countries will not even allow a 17 year old to visit without parental consent anymore, let alone move. It's recognized as a pretty high risk thing to do at that age. Few 17 year olds would be encouraged to move out on their own with things as they are unless there is something majorly fucked up going on with their parent(s) and I think most would not encourage a 17 year old to try to move abroad with the intent of it being indefinite. A trip or gap year with clear plan, yeah though I think most will still encourage them to wait until at least 18, but immigrating indefinitely at around that age, even I view that as extreme and risky. I was just lucky I had non-parental support here and it didn't bite me in the ass.

Even taking the idea that them emigrating was okay because they have one life and opportunities, there are many many ways they could have handled that better. Wannago gave some great examples of ways to support a teenager where circumstances mean them being home along for a significant period of time. There are situations where that's the best plan, but support has to be put in place, not having a 17 year old who hasn't chosen to move out and told to stay on in their education have to find a way to eat. Calling a minor a 'young adult' doesn't change it's a kid being neglected and being told I was "old enough" by adults is something I'll always remember with disgust far more than my father spending weeks hundreds of miles getting his rocks off and getting high.

LagunaBubbles · 12/09/2021 12:47

@Iwonder08

If you truly believe that rather than just wanting to post something nasty to a stranger then I pity you.

pompomsgalore · 12/09/2021 13:11

Maybe we need a support thread for people who's parents have left and gone abroad.

My parents did this when I was 19 and I had a 2 year old. It's devastating and I'd recommend counselling for abandonment and rejection.

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