My parents miss out on their grandchild

[Sa09aez]

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

Oh @Sa09aez, I’m really sorry to read your post. You’re not unreasonable in the slightest. Both my (divorced) parents emigrated to opposite sides of the world when my DD was 6 months old. They didn’t live anywhere near me when they were in the UK so probably saw her twice before they left, and certainly never helped or babysat so it’s not like I missed the support, because I never had it to begin with.

My parents have never been to either DD’s birthday parties, and have completely missed out on seeing them grow up. I don’t think my dad has spoken to his grandchildren in years, maybe 10 years or so. They get a card for their birthday and Christmas, sometimes.

My eldest starts Uni next week. It has filled my adult life with sadness that their grandparents don’t make an effort to know them and I over compensate with love and attention with my girls.
I’m sorry OP, it’s shit, it really is. x

I’m not sure it is codswallop actually. Talking to a lady who runs a program for foreign students if they were here over a particular length of time she had to be registered as a legal guardian even if they were 17. 18 you are legally an adult yes.

Teens can be Gilliick competent so can make decisions about themselves if they are sensible which is abit different. If you left a 17 year old on their own for months at a time the local council would not be impressed..

Scotland you can get married at 16 & have sex, and a baby but can't toast the bride or go to the cinema and watch someone else have sex. Nor are you old enough to take the baby to softplay

I'm sure people in England can also be married at 16 but need parental consent.

But it's certainly not illegal for 17 year old to be alone in either country.

Well our local authority (England) required there to be an adult registered as a legal guardian for 16/17 year olds who were here longer than 3 months without their parents

@MsTSwift your talking about non British citizens who have come over for schooling with a different legal status

[quote Sa09aez]@SeriouslyISuppose I was angry when they left but not anymore, I’ve tried speaking to my mum about it, but she still stands by her decision and feels she did nothing wrong.

They decided to leave because they paid off their mortgage and wanted to start a new life abroad. I was 15 when they started making plans and 17 when they left. I was in college at the time and they insisted that I finish college and go to university. I’m an only child.[/quote]
I had similar op - although they moved 300 miles away and not half way across the world. I got told they were moving in a month and like you I was in college. My mum has a relationship eith my kids now but was never a big part of their lives growing up.

When she moved (with her then just and) I had to move in temporarily with my old geography teacher as I had nowhere to go (she moved my Nan and uncle up with her and they were my only other family). I ended up homeless fir a while. I think people who do this have no idea of the effect it has. It has never really left me - I'm so sorry you've gone through the same. I can't imagine doing that to my kids. Therapy would be useful to come to terms with it - otherwise it can eat you up. You're not wrong to feel as you do - best of luck with the baby!

The difference, MASSIVE difference, between @Wannago's actions and the OP's parents is that Wannago discussed it with her son, made sure he was adequately provided for, gave him the CHOICE, gave him back up people to call on and allowed him to do it on his own because he CHOSE to for 4 months only - whereas the OP's parents didn't give her an obvious choice (although they might have but seems unlikely from further info), left her PERMANENTLY in an empty house with no funding, no back up and no care.

The 2 are not in any way the same in context. And I agree that what Wannago did is good parenting - giving her son the choice to be self-sufficient (to an extent) at 17, which would set him up well for university.

Perhaps the OP's parents had the same idea but operated on the "throw them in the water and see if they sink or swim" school of thought - which is just neglectful.

[quote ejhhhhh]@Esspee, I'm not sure what a 17 year old could have done that would justify abandoning a child. If if they're the teenager from hell, their job it to still stick around an attempt to parent. Maybe the OP didn't want to go and refused to go? In that event, the family don't go, it's not right to leave a child behind.[/quote]
The person I know was totally rebellious, refused to move away from her friends and eventually her newly widowed mother left her to join the son who was going to support her financially. The teenager supported herself through school and college working in a beauty shop. She made a good life for herself and now has a family of her own.
There are two sides to every story. I imagine her mother would tell a very different version of events.
It is not always as simple a story as the OP on this thread makes it appear.

Your parents seem utterly selfish OP and I feel so sorry for you.
However I'd be feeling inclined to disown my parents if they had behaved like this to the point of them not seeing their grandchildren.
Their loss I would say.

They sound selfish to me - there is a book out called ‘all my mothers’ - I think you would enjoy it!

The one thing I would not trouble about is their help/involvement with your new baby. This isn't a necessity - we moved quite a distance away when our dc was born so grandparents only visited a few times a year. We weren't too keen on their parenting styles anyway and managed between us fine

But cutting parents off is a bit active. Why not just see how it goes. You dc may wonder about them when it's older and it makes the situation a family secret/mystery. Sounds as though you've managed brilliantly btw

I am surprised parents would move a 15hr flight from a child.
YANBU

Aw that must have been so hard at the age of 17, sorry hun. Personally I can't understand why parents would do that, we need them more than ever at traumatic teen age. One day they may come to realise it was a mistake but meanwhile be the bigger person. Feel free to share your resentment with them, they should know how you feel. X

Stay strong dear girl.Totally focus on your newbaby.
L ive the life you want .You owe your parents nothing.
You are one brave and resilient lady
.Good luck Be Happy.

Op you are an incredibly strong young woman. You have had to be since the age of 17 and look how far you have come my lovely! You are about to become a mama yourself and I have no doubt that your child will never suffer the way you did. Your child will be loved and cherished,never abandoned or deserted and will always be able to count on you simply from the harsh lessons your 'parents' forced on you. You can change the way you feel. By dwelling on the way they treated you you are giving them the power to make you carry on feeling hurt. Don't let them!!! Seek counselling and reach out for the next bit of your life which will be exciting and wonderful. Good luck and I hope all good things are waiting for you!Op you are an incredibly strong young woman. You have had to be since the age of 17 and look how far you have come my lovely! You are about to become a mama yourself and I have no doubt that your child will never suffer the way you did. Your child will be loved and cherished,never abandoned or deserted and will always be able to count on you simply from the harsh lessons your 'parents' forced on you. You can change the way you feel. By dwelling on the way they treated you you are giving them the power to make you carry on feeling hurt. Don't let them!!! Seek counselling and reach out for the next bit of your life which will be exciting and wonderful. Good luck and I hope all good things are waiting for you!xx1

I know that it's probably hard but honestly I think I would cut my parents off if they did this to me. I'm so sorry that your parents have put you through all this. It's almost like child abandonment. Just tell them that you don't want them in your life anymore and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy then enjoy your gorgeous baby and your own little family

I think based on what you have just said; they really are not interested. Your first baby will be a shock and a revelation but you know. What? You will create your own happy little family and your little one will know loving, responsible parents. Don’t focus on what could have been as you can’t change that. Focus on the now. They may regret it eventually especially once they are old and infirm and may even be selfish and brazen enough to move back to the uk to be ‘near’ you. Be ready for that moment. You may even want to reconnect with them or not. But for now, they don’t factor in the amazing new journey you’re about to start, exhausting yes, draining and stressful too but you will be proud of yourself that you made it all the way through to raise your child regardless!!! Good luck my darling .. your baby is blessed to have you. 😘

@BumblebeeBum

I had similar. My mum left me with my aunt ‘for a week’ when I was 16 and never came back - had emigrated. Didn’t tell me or her sister that was the plan.

We had a rocky relationship for a few years and I cut her out in my mid 20s. Have two children now that she has never met. I do sometimes think it’s sad I can’t provide any extended family for my kids (I’m also an only child). But I’d rather not have her letting them down constantly like she did me. They don’t miss what they don’t know.

Are you still in touch with your aunty? Xxx

Nope, they are in the wrong here. I'm sorry that you've had to go through this.

I really hope they don't think that they can rely on you in later years, or expect you to step in/ help out/ look after them if they get poorly or one of them dies - sorry if that sounds harsh, but they would of burnt all bridges if this was me.

I hope therapy can help you with this.

Your parents do sound a bit selfish..... 17 is young!!! I left to a different country at 19 but always came home during holidays. They should have waited for you to finish the education they so wanted for you.

I have kids away from where my parents live. My mum comes to stay a month at a time maybe twice a year. I still have a lot of contact with her by videocall. My dad divorced my mum and moved further away and we only talk occasionally. But I have a whatsapp group to send everyone some photos of the kids and updates (I dont do Facebook at all)

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

If it was the other way round, a young adult leaving their parents to follow an opportunity and live abroad, you wouldn't be getting told that was selfish, you would be getting told you have one life, live it, see the world, cut the apron strings, they can't guilt trip you into staying . This is just the reverse of that, but I don't see that it's particularly selfish.

Are you for real? 😲

@Wtf1980

I would definitely review how you feel when baby is here. My situation was a bit different as my mum decided she didn't want to parent me anymore at the age of 11 and ran of with her then partner. I tried all manor of things to have a relationship with her until I had my first child. I realised then that she was no parent and put all my energy into being the parent she never was.

You did the right thing 100% well done! You put yourself in control of the situation and didn't let your past hold you back! 💘easier said than done 👏

You poor thing OP. You were so young! I don’t blame you for being resentful especially with them
Moving soo far away!

I cannot fathom emigrating without my 17 year old.
Not surprised you feel resentful.