My parents miss out on their grandchild

[Sa09aez]

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

Oh op what a hideous thing for your patents to do. Planning leaving you from when you were 15 yrs old and still going ahead with it even after you Grandmother died. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't normally agree with going NC but in your case I think what they did was unforgivable.
You must be such a strong independent person though. To get your self through college and uni with no parental support. Hats off to you
Although my parents didn't move away I had no support or positive input from them from around the age of 15yrs. It's shaped how I am - some bad that I've had to work on but also in some good ways. I got in a mess at times but I always got myself out of it and on track. I had to - no one else was going to help me.

God this is awful to read. Your parents sound appallingly neglectful. They left you in an empty property with no financial support at 17?
I’m sorry but if I were you I wouldn’t want to see or hear from them again.
My parents nearly did the same. My father applied for a job in New Zealand when I was 17. It fell through at the last minute. If it hadn’t, they would’ve just left me behind. Poor parenting.

Goodness OP, I was initially going to say that YABU for wanting to cut them out but reading a bit further they sound absolutely awful. Their treatment of you was terrible! What cold unloving parents they are! No doubt when your baby is here you'll feel it all the more because of the love you feel for your child, I wouldn't want a relationship with them either, cut them out and focus on your own family now, sounds like they don't bring anything positive to your life

I have a 17yo.

I cannot imagine upping and leaving him to start a new life abroad.

I did go and live and work abroad myself at 19yo and my parents came over to visit sometimes and I made sure I came back - and always for big family events. I scrimped and saved for them.

I'm so sorry. That's a really cruel way to treat your child.

I would ignore them, rather than actually sending some communication to cut them off.

I agree. It’s really sad they’re so distant and indifferent that they hardly need to be cut out of OP’s life because they’re barely there.

I would make a decision to cut the ties. But rather than announce it I would just ignore them.

My father did the same thing

Not only that. But when he does comes to the uk. He stays with my stepsister and her family. I’m left to enjoy my own time.

I’ve come to terms with it now. They do tons of stuff without me.

My parents were dead by the time I was 18. We were very poor, so had to leave our council house with my clothes and I found a flat share. I’m not saying that to get sympathy but to give some context to what I’m saying. OP, please don’t let your resentment and bitterness eat you up. One of the positives about not having family support is that you are free to make your own decisions with no interference. Yes, I was envious of friends who had parents around, but when I had my first child, the moaning from the other mums about interfering parents was something else. I could do what I pleased and concentrate on my own little family instead, raise our children how we wanted. You can choose to limit contact with your parents. Have you ever told them that it’s unreasonable for you to do all the running? Accept they’re not going to be the parents you wanted and go forward free in the knowledge you have got to where you are on your own two feet and that is something to feel proud of. Having had your experience, you can be a wonderful parent to your child-focus on that.

@Farfalle88 I was thinking the same thing 🙄 - @Brefugee if you have nothing of value to add then there’s not much point in commenting.

Oh OP, they sound selfish and cold. I'm honestly shocked that they were allowed to leave a child to fend for themselves. You must be one resourceful, resilient and incredibly strong woman. Your baby will be so lucky to have you and will learn so much from you!!!!!

I would feel angry and want to cut them off too but also the bittersweet aspect. In my anger I'd probably want them to hurt as they hurt me but that isn't a healthy obsession. I have no good advice, just virtual hugs 💕

Jesus christ. God no, YANBU. You weren't even a half fledged adult when they fucked off and left you to fend for yourself. How awful.
I wouldn't cut them off as such, just stop bothering with them, I wouldn't try to force a relationship with your child, there won't be one.

Under no circumstances provide any care for them or do anything for them, ever.

So sorry they did that to you, congrats on your baby, focus on your little one

@Brefugee maybe RTFT before calling the op a sulky child. I never understand people like you who come on to threads like these to kick someone when they're down.

Oh I’m so sorry OP this really is shit. My DM moved us away from grandparents, cousins etc when we were small and brought us up away from our family. She then proceeded to move away from the place she dumped us in my early 20s, initially not too far but is now much further away. It really frigging hurts, I know, especially when you’re surrounded by other happy families.

It’s surprising though how many other people have crappy parents too. Some people just shouldn’t have kids.

@Sa09aez
That is dreadful!!! Absolutely dreadful.
I really feel for you. How utterly selfish of them both going in the first place and making you stay. Like others have said that is not ‘normal’ behaviour of parents at all.
When you were at an age you need guidance from parents going into the world, you were left looking for your own place and having to make it with no help at all. Dreadful.
I totally agree with what @SpeakingFranglais said. Guarantee this will happen. Please please don’t let them walk back into your life and use you as a carer - please!!
You have already proven to others and yourself how independent you are. You really don’t need these people in your life and neither does your child. Personally from what I have read I would not like my children spending time with these people anyway. You want your child to have a relationship with her grandparents. Grandparents are usually loving, kind, generous, protective. They aren’t any of those things are they.
Forget about them having a role in your child’s life, she doesn’t need people like that in her life!!
Xx

YANBU to resent their moving away without you when you were only 17 - unless there are really good reasons that you haven't mentioned. Especially as you were so close to adulthood, that they could have waited for a relatively short time.

YABU to resent their not being around for your grandchild. Many people live in different countries from their grandchildren (I first met my grandmother at the age of 3 for that reason, though in our case it was my mother who had emigrated quite young). It is great if children can see their grandparents frequently, and if grandparents can help with childcare; but I don't think it's reasonable to expect the future grandparents to make their life-plans, long in advance, on that basis,

@Brefugee

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

There speaks the voice of reason

NOT!!!!!

You could have uninterested grandparents who don't see their grandchildren in the same village. It does happen.

It's a rubbish situation to be in. I have parents who would love to be more involved but can't due to health reasons.

[quote Sa09aez]@Draineddraineddrained
My parents arranged for me to live with my grandmother, but she passed away weeks before my parents left. I then lived by myself in
my grandmothers empty property (until my mother sold it 2 years later).

I funded myself from the moment they left. They did not give me any financial support - I have not received any money from them.

I visited them twice, tickets are well over a thousand pounds. I can’t afford to visit them regularly.[/quote]
When I read the first post I thought maybe you'd declined to go with them. But on reading the above, you would be well within your rights to go NC. Focus your energies on your friends and hopefully Dh has family in U.K. who can be a part of your baby's life. If they announce they are visiting, tell them you'll be away - no matter what date they plan. They sound awful. They were shit parents so they don't get a chance to come and be all over their grandchild.

@Subbaxeo I'm so sorry. I also think it's dreadful that the council through you out your family home. In those circumstances compassion should have allowed you to take on the tenancy.

Good lord...yanbu....you are quite right to be upset. I just couldn't do this to dd.

As you say @Sa09aez, you could go nc but your mum wouldn't notice and your dad might be happier. Thats a whole other hurt in itself. Its sounds like you need to try to reconcile your feelings and love for them with the actual situation. Therapy would help but it won't be easy. Am wishing you all the best

When they come and see you what do you all do? Do they stay with you? Near you?

Send you bday cards?

Can you visit and stay with them?

OP - becoming a parent does make you reassess your own childhood and often realise how bad your parents behaved. I know DH has found it very hard to understand some of his parents' decisions now he's a dad himself. It has made him angry at them, when he just accepted he had to live with it as a child/young adult.

You dont need to cut them off, but what I would say is it sounds like you've been used to fitting round their choices.

What you need to do now is mentally downgrade their level of priority. They won't be part of your dcs life. Dont do the work so they don't miss out of sending photos and putting baby /toddler on zoom. Dont prioritise them (eg. Dont delay things like christenings for when they can be over or if they are here for Christmas, give them priority over dhs family.)

It must be tough. Resolve to be a better parent and focus on the family your dc will have here. (And yes, their care needs are their problem.)