To think if you marry a widow/widower....

[LemonSherbetFancies]

You cannot get upset if they publicly say they miss their partner who died?

Of course they miss them. The partner presumably did nothing to necessitate them having anything but good feelings towards them and regret that they died.

Well, you could if they declared it in front of your friends on a daily basis!

Married to a widower. Have held him - privately - crying about his wife’s death, quite a few times over the years. Once went to a big sport event that he’d planned to enter but her death had prevented. He was emotional at the end and I just looked and said, “she should have been here for this, yes?” He nodded, and we cried for his loss together. Of course he misses her. I expect it, and have no issue with that.

You know what though? I’m not going to criticise someone else on such a scant OP.

It depends how and when. If with shared kids/family at Christmas etc they say 'your mum would have loved this, I still miss her' it's completely understandable. If a huge speech about dead partner at their own 60th in front of current husband/wife with no mention of them I can see how that would be awkward!

It depends on the circumstances & frequently I think.

Not necessarily.

It would still hurt. Surely time has passed, they were recovered enough to get in to a new relationship!

Im not in a relationship with a widowder but if he got weepy and said he missed his late wife, id have to wish him good luck and take my leave.

It is difficult. I know a widower who remarried and his wedding speech was mostly about his dead ex wife.

I think it must be hugely personal.

A friend of mine lost her beloved wife very young. She is remarrying and she often mentions memories of her wife (the mother of their child), and talks about her loss. I think it is good and right that she has found a new partner who's able to appreciate that love and loss, and who isn't threatened by it.

People are really different in how they grieve. Some want to make grief very private and to appear to move on in public. Others don't. Unless you think love is finite, I really don't see the issue.

@XenoBitch

It is difficult. I know a widower who remarried and his wedding speech was mostly about his dead ex wife.

How awful 😲

I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband kept saying it every day, indefinitely...

I accept rationally that a widow didn't want to leave their spouse and might only now be remarried because of wanting to find love after the terrible loss... But it'd be a real kick in the fanny if every time you had a nice event with friends he talked about missing his late wife. I'd be quite miffed.

It definitely depends on frequency and context and how recently s/he was bereaved.

@sagaz my widower husband cried when his daughter got her degree - privately to me - because he was devastated for his first wife and for his daughter, that she wouldn’t be at the graduation ceremony. I just don’t think there’s any time limit on finding that upsetting. It doesn’t say anything about him being ready to be married to me - just that something very sad happened in his family.

You of course can choose that that isn’t for you… but I just wanted to share, that my experience of his grief in missing her just doesn’t feel connected to how ready he is to he with me. He didn’t date for 5 years, incidentally.

Widow here. I don't have social media. My new partner & I talk about my late DH quite often. New partner asks questions about him and I share funny stories.

Having a deceased partner is very different from an ex-partner. Not like they're coming back OP.

My personal view, YABVU

I'd absolutely hate it, but I wouldn't have married a widower for that very reason, I know I wouldn't have coped with that scenario.

@Cocomarine

Married to a widower. Have held him - privately - crying about his wife’s death, quite a few times over the years. Once went to a big sport event that he’d planned to enter but her death had prevented. He was emotional at the end and I just looked and said, “she should have been here for this, yes?” He nodded, and we cried for his loss together. Of course he misses her. I expect it, and have no issue with that.

You know what though? I’m not going to criticise someone else on such a scant OP.

This is what a loving relationship with a partner who was previously widowed looks like.

It’s not a competition with the dead partner - you’ll never win!

It is entirely possible at times to mourn the life you thought you would have with that partner whilst being entirely happy and in love with your current partner.

Anyone who is insecure about that really should take a good look at themselves and asses whether the relationship they are in is the right one for them.

It's one thing to feel sad that his daughter didnt get to have her mother present for her graduation, i get that, but openly crying and looking to you for comfort awful for you.

@MaxNormal

I'd absolutely hate it, but I wouldn't have married a widower for that very reason, I know I wouldn't have coped with that scenario.

To be fair, OP has dropped and run without actually bothering to explain the scenario 🙄

Though I respect that you know what wouldn’t work for you personally.

I was going to say yanbu but how is it different from someone still not being over their ex. Yes I know because in this instance their ex is dead, but in both scenarios they still then haven't moved on which is the key point.

I am a widow and what l have learnt is to think it, but keep your mouth shut. Because that makes it easier and more comfortable for others.
No one will ever get it, until it happens to them.

@Sagaz

It's one thing to feel sad that his daughter didnt get to have her mother present for her graduation, i get that, but openly crying and looking to you for comfort awful for you.

Why is it awful? Why wouldn’t I comfort him? I love him. He’s my husband, of course he turns to me for love at his saddest times. Am I supposed to feel threatened that he was happy and loved before me? Fine for you to decide that you wouldn’t like it for you, but please - don’t tell me it’s awful for me. You don’t get to decide that. I am nothing but proud that the man I love can turn to me when he’s hurting.

@VladmirsPoutine

I was going to say yanbu but how is it different from someone still not being over their ex. Yes I know because in this instance their ex is dead, but in both scenarios they still then haven't moved on which is the key point.

The OP has given no detail, so we have no idea if this is a case of not moving on, or simply still missing their first spouse.

@Moonface123

I am a widow and what l have learnt is to think it, but keep your mouth shut. Because that makes it easier and more comfortable for others. No one will ever get it, until it happens to them.

I’m really sorry that you’ve been made to feel that way, and I’m sorry for your loss

👏 @Cocomarine it sounds like you're a very supportive spouse in a loving relationship.

Definitely depends on the context for me, OP.

@Sagaz

It's one thing to feel sad that his daughter didnt get to have her mother present for her graduation, i get that, but openly crying and looking to you for comfort awful for you.

Why awful?

I really don't understand this perspective. Surely, it is always sad when you celebrate a milestone you expected to share with someone? It doesn't negate what you have with those who are there.

Look after yourself as well as looking after him @cocmarine

My mum was widowed. She knew her partner since she was 17 and lost him at 52. She is in a new relationship (10 years in now) but so many of her life experiences are with my father. Basically all of them. She talks of him without hesitation then speaks to me and worries she’s said too much but it is undeniably her life and she shouldn’t need to tread on egg shells. And not that she needs too, her partner is very understanding and has never questioned it but it does cross her mind.

It’s must be difficult on both sides.