To think if you marry a widow/widower....

[LemonSherbetFancies]

You cannot get upset if they publicly say they miss their partner who died?

this smells a bit drip feedy to me

I think if you are still crying over a deceased partner you might not be ready for a new relationship

I think this is utter rubbish. You don't cry for a set determined amount of time when you lose someone and then just one day stop, never to miss them or cry again. Do you stop grieving for your mum if she dies? And you are never allowed to have a tear on Mother's Day as you should have got over it.

I think it's extremely important and respectful to the original husband or wife that occasionally, every now and again, you acknowledge their presence in the world, and don't try to pretend they never existed. It's often very important to their families as well if they died relatively young.

This does not stop you meeting, loving and having a fabulous relationship with a new person, at all. It would be tactless to make your new partner feel bad though, by comparisons, or always going on about someone else, but to never mention your past, or your past husband for the next twenty years? Weird, and I know you are not widowed because of what you wrote.

*JustLyra Sun 12-Sep-21 09:03:22

Anyone who thinks there’s remotely a comparison between a divorced person and a widow/widower should stay well clear of a relationship with a widow as they are utterly clueless.*

Are you a widow or a divorcee? Are you speaking from experience?

I think my dad annoyed his new partner when he asked her to move into his house then got misty eyed saying he couldn't leave it because it felt like my late mum was still there . Even I was like "dad, that was the wrong thing to say I think"! And I don't even like his new partner!

@Moonface123

I am a widow and what l have learnt is to think it, but keep your mouth shut. Because that makes it easier and more comfortable for others. No one will ever get it, until it happens to them.

Unfortunately a lot of people cannot get what they haven’t experienced. Belittled and scoffed at by many people due to my invisible disability and health.

Of course you should be able to talk to family, friends and a loving partner.

@speakout

I would expect a widowed person to be a bit more sensitive towards their current partner. Yes death is tragic, but no one should feel tyey are living in the shadow of a deceased person. There would always be that feeling of being second best, never filling that void. Im not in a relationship with a widowder but if he got weepy and said he missed his late wife, id have to wish him good luck and take my leave.

I agree with this.
Would someone be so sympathetic towards a divorced partner crying over how much they missed their ex?

Divorce is usually a choice. Death isn’t.

Emotionally mature people understand that in this situation it is possible for widows to love their deceased husband and also find love for a new partner.

Grief isn’t something which is just over at a set point. The intensity fades but the sadness of loss remains.

I’m super glad that the ignorant on this thread have that privilege- to not know how being widowed can break you. If you want to make comparisons to ex partners and divorce, no problem. But if and when you’re widowed and in the midst of such sadness, don’t forget your own words.

@FlumpsAreShit

It depends how and when. If with shared kids/family at Christmas etc they say 'your mum would have loved this, I still miss her' it's completely understandable. If a huge speech about dead partner at their own 60th in front of current husband/wife with no mention of them I can see how that would be awkward!

This!

The previous relationship shouldn't be hidden or never mentioned but the widow/er needs to have moved on sufficiently for the new partner to be secure in the relationship too.

Understanding on both sides is the key as pp in the situation have described.

My husband is a widower. His first wife died of breast cancer in her early thirties and my step-son was only 7. We talk about his first wife often. Obviously he also talks about her with his son. I find this normal and it doesn’t negatively affect me. I think it would be very sad if she wasn’t mentioned.

My DH married me-I was widowed at the age of 29.

I did/do miss my first husband and am in still contact with his family-but really only very casually/facebook and I would never do anything to make DH feel uncomfortable but the past can't just be shut away. It happened and I am the person I am today because of the life I lived before we met.

One time early days I once got a bit overwhelmed and tearful and DH said "it's ok-it's a part of you and I love you"

I didn't talk about him all the time-I agree with @Rainbowsew that the person who is widowed must be in a place where they are ready for a new relationship but I also think we are only human and there can still be sad triggers years later.

I was very very lucky to find love and happiness twice and DH knows this and is very secure in it. I think hiding it and pretending it never happened would be very difficult and unhealthy.

@Cocomarine sounds like a thoroughly decent person and one with the emotional maturity to cope with a tricky situation with aplomb.

I suppose it's now (thankfully) quite rare for anyone in the UK to be widowed before old age. In previous eras people had to negotiate this all the time. By contrast, it was also far rarer to be divorced or separated.

Now we have the reverse position, so maybe people are automatically assuming widows and widowers still grieving for their deceased spouse are like people still pining for an ex after a relationship breaks up.

But it's not the same thing at all. If a marriage or relationship ends because one partner/spouse dies, it's not happened by choice. If the couple break up, at least one of them has decided that's what has to happen.

(I'm skipping over those awful cases where the deceased died at his/her own hand or as a result of doing something reckless, and the surviving partner has to contend with anger about that as well as grief.)

Also, where children are involved, it's very likely that the widow/widower will be in touch with the deceased's family for the sake of keeping those bonds with the children. They will be grieving too and will naturally be talking about their lost loved one.

If you can't cope with all of this, don't marry a widow or widower. You won't be able to give them and their children the emotional support they need.

We often see on MN posts from adult children whose parent has married again after being widowed and the relationship with the children is suffering because the second spouse is hostile to them, or just not that interested, and the parent goes along with that. In the worst cases the second spouse gets everything in the parent's will and the children get nothing. Very sad.

@VladmirsPoutine

I was going to say yanbu but how is it different from someone still not being over their ex. Yes I know because in this instance their ex is dead, but in both scenarios they still then haven't moved on which is the key point.

I don't think you can ever have been bereaved...

Death is nothing like divorce! Grief isn't set in time, you don't "get over it" it can hit you again and again throughout your life. So an elderly person can occasionally, still be affected by grief that happened in their youth, whoever it is. That doesn't mean they haven't moved on or can't remarry it means that something has happened that brought back feelings of what was or should have happened (like the scenario of a widow being sad for the fact that their spouse missed out on key events in their children's lives) it doesn't mean they can't have a fulfilling loving relationship with a new partner.

LolaButt

Divorce isn't always a choice.

Hence why I said usually. To account for the instances where it isn’t.

LolaButt

Exactly.
How would someone feel if their partner was weeping over their ex?

@speakout in what hypothetical situation?

Dsis went out with a widower. The relationship was progressing and they discussed her moving into his house (which was also his business). Things went south when he said that there were to be no changes as he and his wife had chosen everything together and he couldn’t let her down by changing things.

Otoh my aunt married a widower three months after his wife died . My aunt would brook no mention of his wife’s name - she was dead in memory too. All very well but he had a dc of 18, who went to university and never returned home. Aunt and Dh sold his house after six months too. Then he died and aunt inherited everything, his dc nothing at all. (Everyone in the family thought my aunt awful and her Dh a weak idiot.)

I take a different approach to this- if someone was left by their ex, and it wasn't their choice, I would expect them to be occasionally sad about it! When we have hurtful or sad experiences, especially ones like being dumped by someone we trusted, or to watch a loved one die, you cannot just lock it up in a box and never ever feel sad about it again.

I wouldn't expect someone to be openly and actively grieving for this all the time, but the odd wistful pang? The odd tear in the eye. You really couldn't cope with that?

As someone else said, if you are widowed younger, you also have a whole family, your own children, and the family of the deceased person who was part of their lives. By not mentioning it, you are cutting them off from expressing their feelings about the dead person, it's actually very destructive to do that to children. Imagine telling them not to mention their mother who died (which is what happens sometimes).

When you date in older life, you have to accept people come with a history, personally I think it's weird to expect people to have never had feelings for others, I don't mind if my partner had a 'one that got away' who he thinks fondly of, and I certainly wouldn't mind them being occasionally sad if their wife of 30 years died, because I think it would be weird not to care or mention it or never express any emotion about such an emotionally devastating thing ever again in your life to your new loved one.

There does need to be a balance but a deceased partner should allowed to be talked about. It’s unreasonable to try to suppress that even if it does come from a position of insecurity.

@VladmirsPoutine

I was going to say yanbu but how is it different from someone still not being over their ex. Yes I know because in this instance their ex is dead, but in both scenarios they still then haven't moved on which is the key point.

It’s not the same at all. You don’t move on, you make your peace with it. You never stop loving, or thinking about that person. You shouldn’t start dating until you stop grieving but grief isn’t linear and you can go a long time without it hurting and then a tiny little event can happen and that grief can come back. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your new DP just as much but it is nothing like not being over an ex.

@speakout

LolaButt

Exactly.
How would someone feel if their partner was weeping over their ex?

Divorce is completely different, a lot of the tears and sadness that come later are FOR the deceased person and everything they are missing out on. That sadness isn't going to disappear.

@VladmirsPoutine

I was going to say yanbu but how is it different from someone still not being over their ex. Yes I know because in this instance their ex is dead, but in both scenarios they still then haven't moved on which is the key point.

You don’t “move on” from bereavement of someone you love intensely. You don’t get over your loss, you get used to it.

What a lovely person you are @Cocomarine, your husband’s very lucky to have you.

@speakout

*JustLyra Sun 12-Sep-21 09:03:22

Anyone who thinks there’s remotely a comparison between a divorced person and a widow/widower should stay well clear of a relationship with a widow as they are utterly clueless.*

Are you a widow or a divorcee? Are you speaking from experience?

@speakout I think we are coming at this from similar angles.

I don't think every widower /widow is suffering a huge loss tbh. So they don't deserve an automatic status, ie, Holders Of Legitimate Grief Forever. Maybe that is the case and maybe it isn't, but being a widow or widower isn't what decides it.

I deal with a lot of 60+ people through work and widow/ers have to provide their late spouse's death cert. I realised recently when I had to ask a retiree for the date of his late spouse's death (for the purpose of calculations) and he replied ''my beautiful wife died on xx xx xx, i'll never be over it!'' that it was an unusual contrast to most widow/ers' responses. Obviously they're not going to share their feelings with me but you pick up on their grief or contentment. For every one who is devastated by the loss of their spouse, two are just getting on with life possibly even with a spring in their step.

I am a widow. Widowed at 52, in a relationship with my late husband from being 16. I shared so many huge life events with him and we had three wonderful sons together.
I then met a widower. Thought that he would understand the love you still have for your dead partner. Not a hope in hell. I comforted him over the loss of his late partner. He was insanely jealous of my late husband. I called him out on it and ended the relationship.
Those of you who would feel threatened by a dead spouse and expect bereaved partners to forget about them... honestly, I am lost for words.
This thread has made me so sad. I fear I will have to spend the rest of my life single after some of the comments on here.

Ask yourself - if you died, would you want memories of you to be buried and forgotten forever? Would you want your children not to cry for you and ever mention your name again?

If you marry a widower, not just he, but his children actively need to talk about his late wife. And you need to listen. Because how can you truly be a part of them if you don't understand what came before you?

That is sad @iwant2move He should have given you the same support and understanding you gave him.