Page 2 | To think if you marry a widow/widower....

LemonSherbetFancies · 2021-09-11T21:21:23+00:00

You cannot get upset if they publicly say they miss their partner who died?

Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 22:53

@Sagaz

Look after yourself as well as looking after him *@cocmarine*

I’m sure you mean well, but that made me laugh! If you knew me… 😀 yes, I very much look after myself. And - he looks after me. I had several miscarriages which (rarely these days, but occasionally) make me sad. I get looked after by him when I’m upset too - he doesn’t back away because they were pregnancies with my ex! Come to think of it, last time I had a proper sob fest was something that upset me about being divorced - that I don’t have my two children all the time. He listened, held me, made me feel loved. Didn’t get the arse that avoiding that sadness would have meant still being with ex and not with him!

Griefmonster · 11/09/2021 22:54

[quote Cocomarine]@sagaz my widower husband cried when his daughter got her degree - privately to me - because he was devastated for his first wife and for his daughter, that she wouldn’t be at the graduation ceremony. I just don’t think there’s any time limit on finding that upsetting. It doesn’t say anything about him being ready to be married to me - just that something very sad happened in his family.

You of course can choose that that isn’t for you… but I just wanted to share, that my experience of his grief in missing her just doesn’t feel connected to how ready he is to he with me. He didn’t date for 5 years, incidentally.[/quote]
This is a perfect way to put it.

Your love for someone doesn't go when they die and it doesn't go if someone else steps in to the role they held.

The new spouse or partner can't replace the previous one. They're not interchangable in that way.

And grief and happiness are not mutually exclusive.

A sad thing happened that hurt a lot and it is a part of who they are now.

LowlyTheWorm · 11/09/2021 22:59

I am nothing but proud that the man I love can turn to me when he’s hurting.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Beautiful sentiment and what a lucky couple you are to have such a strong and deep love and to know how loving your husband is. I can’t see why anyone would be threatened or upset unless of course they compared you unfavourably with their previous wife or husband.
It must be hard to know that if your loved one hadn’t had such a huge loss they wouldn’t have been free to meet and marry you… so I get that it isn’t simple in many ways.

JustLyra · 11/09/2021 23:07

Depends on the context, but generally it’s not.

DH was widowed very young. We’ve had many conversations about moments that his late wife should have been at. Moments with DS1 that he should have had his Mummy watching proudly and it is sad that she wasn’t. Times where DH has had decisions to make about DS and he’s wished he knew what she’d have said/done.

When DH and I first got together the partner of one of his friends, a couple who met at a widow support group, said to me “if you ever find yourself feeling competitive with, or resentful of, a ghost then you should walk away as it’s not working for you”.

Ugzbugz · 11/09/2021 23:24

I'm confused who they meet in heaven

Iamthewombat · 11/09/2021 23:28

@XenoBitch

It is difficult. I know a widower who remarried and his wedding speech was mostly about his dead ex wife.

CHRIST. His poor new wife!

bangingbins · 11/09/2021 23:29

I married a widower. My marriage failed because he was a twat. His first wife's mother became and remains one of my best friends

PermanentTemporary · 11/09/2021 23:33

I'm a widow and falling in love with my new bf has in fact released a new round of grief in me at the moment. But it's gentler. He is a nice man so he doesn't mind if I talk about dh, but yes I'm slightly conscious about it and might expect his patience to thin a bit over years.

Feelingoktoday · 11/09/2021 23:33

[quote Cocomarine]@sagaz my widower husband cried when his daughter got her degree - privately to me - because he was devastated for his first wife and for his daughter, that she wouldn’t be at the graduation ceremony. I just don’t think there’s any time limit on finding that upsetting. It doesn’t say anything about him being ready to be married to me - just that something very sad happened in his family.

You of course can choose that that isn’t for you… but I just wanted to share, that my experience of his grief in missing her just doesn’t feel connected to how ready he is to he with me. He didn’t date for 5 years, incidentally.[/quote]
You sound like a lovely kind person.

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 23:33

I suppose it depends what they mean by 'miss'. If they had previously been happily married, their late spouse is bound to come up in conversation sometimes and, of course, it is very sad that they died. It doesn't mean they are not happy, or do not love, their current partner.

Being jealous doesn't help anyone.

My husband's uncle was married to someone who had been widowed. She must have grieved terribly over her loss but she was very happy indeed with uncle and had two children.

Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 23:48

@Ugzbugz

I'm confused who they meet in heaven

My husband, his first wife, and I are / were all atheists. So I can’t say it’s anything we’ve considered 🤣

But I’ll humour you… so do you get to reconnect with everyone you have loved, in heaven?

In that case, we’ll all meet each other. I expect his first wife and I will have a high old time talking about his annoying habits! She’ll thank me for loving him after, I’ll thank her for her part in creating the person I loved. He’ll crack some silly joke about having to cook for both of us now - we both have left it to him on earth.

You’ll have to help me out on whether there’s a sexual element to this though? I’m not that up on what happens in your heaven 🤷🏻‍♀️

They have a joint grave plot by the way. It’ll be nicer - and frankly more convenient for their kids - so he’ll be buried with her. Does that make any difference to who gets first dibs in heaven? 🤣

I mean - come on! The Holy Trinity. That’s an interesting relationship right there. If Christians can get their heads round that one, I think they can cope with a bit of widowhood!

XenoBitch · 11/09/2021 23:51

@Ugzbugz

I'm confused who they meet in heaven

I wonder about this too!

My grandad went on to have a girlfriend in his 70s, about 15 years after my gran died (and fair fucking play to him). I did wonder how that would pan out with them all at the pearly gates!

Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 23:52

@Ugzbugz come to think of it, go read Deuteronomy 25 1. God will definitely have thought about it, as he’s all for instructing widows to remarry. So - you don’t need to worry about it 👍🏻 Put your trust in the Lord!

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/09/2021 23:58

You'd have to be a special kind of selfish twat to be jealous of a dead person.

No one and I mean no one gets to try and control someone else's grief.

SisforSarah · 12/09/2021 00:16

@XenoBitch I wonder if we know the same person.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to talk about your deceased partner in front of the living one. But I do know someone who never stops talking about his first wife (who I never met). He’ll start a story and I think he is talking about something he did with his current wife only to realise that this happened 15 years ago with the deceased wife. He has said publicly, with his current wife present, that he’ll never love anyone as much as his first wife. He keeps a photograph of his first wife naked on his bedside table. He makes it very clear that his second wife will never come close to the first wife…..to pretty much anyone who will listen. It’s very embarrassing.

PermanentTemporary · 12/09/2021 00:20

One of the many reasons I'm glad heaven doesn't exist is not having to have awkward encounters with all my previous partners. Can you imagine.

Somuddled · 12/09/2021 00:41

Bugger me, this thread has just taught me that some adults believe that people meet up in heaven. How have I never come across this before? How is that arranged do you think? What criteria is used? What if they loved you but you didn't love them back?

Plumtree391 · 12/09/2021 02:50

@PermanentTemporary

One of the many reasons I'm glad heaven doesn't exist is not having to have awkward encounters with all my previous partners. Can you imagine.

I think the theory is that everyone gets on

.

SisforSarah · 12/09/2021 06:51

@Somuddled have you never met a christian? They all believe that. It’s the carrot at the end of your life……otherwise you spend an eternity in hell. To me it’s a normal thought process for anyone brought up in the Christian faith. Keeps ‘em on the straight and narrow

PermanentTemporary · 12/09/2021 07:22

I'd be amazed if many real Christians thought of heaven in this eternal cocktail party kind of way. I can imagine a lot of people who had a Christian upbringing but stopped before adulthood might.

FuckeryOmbudsman · 12/09/2021 07:41

It's not just a Christian concept if you include other planes/afterlife as well as specific heaven

So include just about every religion (ancient and modern) that you can think of Muslim, Jewish, Far Eastern religions etc. In varying ways the religions of India, the Americas and Polynesia,

To have never met anyone who believes in a heaven is quite staggering

Thatsplentyjack · 12/09/2021 07:48

Completely depends on the situation, bit I wouldn't be playing second fiddle to anyone, and I certainly wouldn't be with someone I felt would rather be with their partner that died, and frequently got upset about them.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 12/09/2021 07:49

@Sagaz

Not necessarily.

It would still hurt. Surely time has passed, they were recovered enough to get in to a new relationship!

Im not in a relationship with a widowder but if he got weepy and said he missed his late wife, id have to wish him good luck and take my leave.

Agreed. I've been in a relationship with a widower for two and a half years. If he was still grieving, he'd have had no right getting involved with me.

I'm sure he thinks of her, but out of respect to me, he doesn't mention it. I'm not in his life to comfort him about her - grieving is not a couple's activity.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 12/09/2021 07:51

@XenoBitch

It is difficult. I know a widower who remarried and his wedding speech was mostly about his dead ex wife.

Fucking hell. I'd have left him then and there. There are quite a lot of women who seem to enjoy these three heart relationships, though.

LoislovesStewie · 12/09/2021 07:53

I'm confused who they meet in heaven
I don't know, but my mum, my dad and my stepmum are all buried in the same grave. The vicar asked my stepmum if she wanted to be buried with them after my dad died, and he made sure that there were no problems when the time came. I think the two women he adored and who felt the same about him are best friends (if there is an afterlife!).