To think if you marry a widow/widower....

[LemonSherbetFancies]

You cannot get upset if they publicly say they miss their partner who died?

I was going to say yanbu but how is it different from someone still not being over their ex. Yes I know because in this instance their ex is dead, but in both scenarios they still then haven't moved on which is the key point. no it’s not remotely the same. With an ex a relationship ends but the ex party is still in the picture. And if there are children as well and their parent has died then it is inevitable that those children are going to be missing their other parent, and the partner may even have been there at the time of their death, you can’t put a stipulation on how they’re supposed to come to terms with that.

TBH I think that the bereaved can’t win. If they talk about their deceased partner they’re wrong, and if they don’t and they enter into a new relationship some people consider them to be wrong as well.

At the end of the day if you marry a widow/widower then there has to be a certain realisation anyway that the only reason you’re in the picture at all is because they’re not. Some people will find that difficult to come to terms with, but unless the widow/widower has held off talking about their deceased partner until they’ve got a ring on your finger then it’s unreasonable to expect to change their outlook just because you’ve entered into the picture.

There is no marriage in heaven - Jesus said.
When we get there, we're spirit, like God. All merging in together.

But if you get into a relationship with a widower and he is disrespectful to you by frequently telling others how much he misses his wife, let him go.

Moonface123

I am a widow and what l have learnt is to think it, but keep your mouth shut. Because that makes it easier and more comfortable for others.
No one will ever get it, until it happens to them

The above is so true, especially that no one gets it until it happens to them.

It feels like being a member of a club you never wanted to join.

How can anyone possibly judge this situation?? Surely it’s all very much dependent on the individual circumstances?

Weird OP because nothing has been explained

I think if you are still crying over a deceased partner you might not be ready for a new relationship.

[quote SisforSarah]@Somuddled have you never met a christian? They all believe that. It’s the carrot at the end of your life……otherwise you spend an eternity in hell. To me it’s a normal thought process for anyone brought up in the Christian faith. Keeps ‘em on the straight and narrow [/quote]
I suppose I am not close to any true Christians. Obviously I knew they believed in heaven but the idea that you meet up with people you knew when alive isnt one I have heard. Not is such a literal way. I asked my husband about it right away and he said it's mostly something people say to children about lost grandparents.

Sorry OP, I realise this isn't what the thread is about

My uncle lost his wife sadly to cancer...his second wife lost her husband to cancer...they told about their previous husband and wife all the time. I see that as healthy. My new aunt who never meet my previous aunt almost greeted me with pity ex aunts name isn't here as she love to have seen you again. My uncle and my second aunt are vvvv happy today and I'm glad both had chance of second love. All their children get on well together but their adult and as previous dad and mum mentioned it's just a lovely relaxed family. So yes if you marry a widow you expect that

Would people understand it better in this context:

You have a pet eg a dog, they are your pet for 15 years, you have grown with them and loved them, they are part of your family and in some sense your whole world.

Then they die. It’s devastating.

Some time later you feel ready for another pet. This new pet is equally loved. Just because you loved your dead pet doesn’t mean that you can’t live the new one. And you can still remember the old one.

@PaperDolphin

I think if you are still crying over a deceased partner you might not be ready for a new relationship.

Life isn’t that black and white. There are times where DH has been upset about his first wife, but that in no way means generally he wasn’t ready.

In fact the last time he cried (his MIL reacted the same) was because of something DS did while working in a care home during the pandemic that was very reminiscent of his mother’s nature/character.

@XenoBitch

It is difficult. I know a widower who remarried and his wedding speech was mostly about his dead ex wife.

That's completely inappropriate.

I went to a small wedding once where the groom in his speech said he had only fallen in love at first sight once in his life: he wasn't talking about his new wife. His guests booed him.

@Cocomarine apologies. My family of origin avoided all emotions except gratitude and cheerfulness but actually ''avoiding sadness'' does not work for me and it's not the vibe I have at home with my own two teens. Emotions are allowed here.

I don’t think that if you marry a widow/er you can realistically expect them to never think about or mention their late partner ever again. A friend of mine married a widower. He put away a photo of his first wife who’d died after a long illness when she moved into his house, but she told him to get it out and display it again. She was a widow too though.

XenoBitch - I wonder if we were at the same wedding!

@PaperDolphin

I think if you are still crying over a deceased partner you might not be ready for a new relationship.

I think if you had children together, you will always feel sad and possibly tearful, at events concerning that child, when their other patent should have been there sharing that joy and feeling proud.

I've watched my youngest DD get her degree, get married, and hand me my first grandchild, all without her dad there. All occasions were incredibly emotional for me. I'm tearing up even writing this post. (Which fortunately I managed not to do in front of DD, but would have in front of a new partner)

Anyone telling me I shouldn't feel that way, can just do one. Jesus.

I hope dh would miss me if I died. I hope he'd marry someone who loved him and made him happy and didn't want to erase the decades we'd spent together. I wouldn't want him to be devastated forever but if he was never allowed to mention me to a new partner I'd think it was a crap relationship

Completely depends on the circumstances and context.

Widowed decades ago, since remarried and divorced. I no longer miss my late husband but I regret that we and our children could not have the life we planned. Completely understand crying at a child’s graduation, I cried at GCSE results.

I wouldn’t expect a deceased partner to be raised all the time and more than a mention in a wedding speech would be a no-no from me. It does not help me, and did not help my ex, that my in laws always speak about him as the love of my life and mention him in every speech within their family.

@BrieAndChilli

Would people understand it better in this context:

You have a pet eg a dog, they are your pet for 15 years, you have grown with them and loved them, they are part of your family and in some sense your whole world.

Then they die. It’s devastating.

Some time later you feel ready for another pet. This new pet is equally loved. Just because you loved your dead pet doesn’t mean that you can’t live the new one. And you can still remember the old one.

I think that’s really helpful for all the uncaring people saying that the remaining flatter can never mention it again or isn’t ready to love again, some people are horrid.

To everyone going through this, ignore the negativity and talk away.

I would expect a widowed person to be a bit more sensitive towards their current partner.
Yes death is tragic, but no one should feel tyey are living in the shadow of a deceased person. There would always be that feeling of being second best, never filling that void.
Im not in a relationship with a widowder but if he got weepy and said he missed his late wife, id have to wish him good luck and take my leave.

I agree with this.
Would someone be so sympathetic towards a divorced partner crying over how much they missed their ex?

Publicly would be disrespectful to their new partner. Why would they need to discuss such personal feelings publicly? With who?

@BrieAndChilli that analogy makes me sigh laugh, because the new dog isn't conscious that she's not quite making up for the old dog................

Would someone be so sympathetic towards a divorced partner crying over how much they missed their ex?

Of course not. Because it's not the same thing.

Of course not. Because it's not the same thing.

But it can be.

Not all divorces are amicable.
Some divorces happen after long periods of time and instigated by only one partner.
I am widowed and divorced.
I miss my partner who I divorced from more than my late husband. Would it be appropriate to cry over that to my current partner?

Without more context it is impossible to say.

@speakout

I would expect a widowed person to be a bit more sensitive towards their current partner. Yes death is tragic, but no one should feel tyey are living in the shadow of a deceased person. There would always be that feeling of being second best, never filling that void. Im not in a relationship with a widowder but if he got weepy and said he missed his late wife, id have to wish him good luck and take my leave.

I agree with this.
Would someone be so sympathetic towards a divorced partner crying over how much they missed their ex?

Anyone who thinks there’s remotely a comparison between a divorced person and a widow/widower should stay well clear of a relationship with a widow as they are utterly clueless.