To think if you marry a widow/widower....

[LemonSherbetFancies]

You cannot get upset if they publicly say they miss their partner who died?

I’m widowed and in a relationship with a widow. I still love my husband and I love my new partner. I still mourn the loss of my husband, especially the things he doesn’t get to see and so with the children. But he is not here to love and I have a lot of love to give.
We both talk occasionally about our spouses, we know when special dates are and respect the traditions that have grown around them (for example we all share a chocolate birthday cake on the day of my husbands birthday). We respect the in-laws who still see their grand-children regularly and we are slowly building to living together.
Sadly there are many many young widows, each will mourn, grief and move forward in their own way. Unless you have walked a mile in their shoes then I’m sorry, but it’s not up to you to decide what is right or wrong x

Widow here. Now remarried to a very laid back understanding man. I still have photos of my first husband in my house as second husband moved into my house and they were already here. He's comfortable with that. Maybe if we moved to a new house I might not put them up.
My first husband died of cancer. When I get upset it's more a sadness of what he went through, gruelling treatment that didn't cure him, than the fact that he's no longer here.
When I remarried my dad made a brief reference to me losing my first husband but the context was how my new husband had put the sparkle back in my life and how that made my dad happy.

@Cocomarine

Married to a widower. Have held him - privately - crying about his wife’s death, quite a few times over the years. Once went to a big sport event that he’d planned to enter but her death had prevented. He was emotional at the end and I just looked and said, “she should have been here for this, yes?” He nodded, and we cried for his loss together. Of course he misses her. I expect it, and have no issue with that.

You know what though? I’m not going to criticise someone else on such a scant OP.

Awe. This brought a tear to my eye.

Anyone else think this post is a fishing trip from a shitty DM type journalist?

I think when there are kids involved (I include adult ones in that) there will be many a time it’s emotional, because the deceased parent should have been there to celebrate the day, such as a graduation.

That’s sad by anyone’s standards, but I suspect the living parent feels the sadness of behalf of their children.

I know someone that died young recently. Left two kids (actual children) and I could cry for the fact they’ll never see their parent again, it is just so so sad. The thought of that happening to my ex, would be so sad for my children so I’d be sad for them.

Anyone dying young is awful so I can see how the would get testy on behalf of their kids.

If there are no kids involved and the grief is purely there’s, then I would be understanding to a point, if they died young, but I would struggle if it was happening repeatedly tbh.

yes, you could be right. So many people giving very personal stories and the OP hasn't been back to clarify.........

sad

It's not an easy path to walk .

Your feelings are often the last to be considered and your not allowed to say/feel much about it because as a PP said "it take someone really bad to be jealous of a dead person "

It can feel at times like your your having an affair with your own DH .

It's Not for the faint hearted

I don't think every widower /widow is suffering a huge loss tbh. So they don't deserve an automatic status, ie, Holders Of Legitimate Grief Forever. Maybe that is the case and maybe it isn't, but being a widow or widower isn't what decides it.

I deal with a lot of 60+ people through work and widow/ers have to provide their late spouse's death cert. I realised recently when I had to ask a retiree for the date of his late spouse's death (for the purpose of calculations) and he replied ''my beautiful wife died on xx xx xx, i'll never be over it!'' that it was an unusual contrast to most widow/ers' responses. Obviously they're not going to share their feelings with me but you pick up on their grief or contentment. For every one who is devastated by the loss of their spouse, two are just getting on with life possibly even with a spring in their step.

I think it’s common decency and compassionate to assume they are suffering a huge loss unless you are actually in a position to know better.

I would be devastated to lose my beloved husband of 30 years. He is my soulmate.

Reading this thread makes me relieved that I have avoided this minefield.
My adored DH died 30 years ago, and I never remarried.
I love him and grieve him to this day, and no second rate substitute husband could ever have replaced him. I cannot imagine how awful it must be to pretend to not miss him, to repeatedly choke back tears, to not commemorate his birthday or the anniversary of his death, to pretend to be “over it”, to not discuss him with my DDs, who were babies when he died.
It is beyond cruel (and totally unrealistic) to expect the widowed to just “move on” and put a lid on it. Their soulmate remains their soulmate to death and beyond.

I don’t really see any issue with being jealous over a dead person

Why on earth would it be a problem? Their relationship made the person you married who they are and we’re meant to brush it all under the carpet?

I don’t ever get jealous in my life of anyone or anything. I think it’s such a useless emotion. What good does jealousy ever do?!?

For every one who is devastated by the loss of their spouse, two are just getting on with life possibly even with a spring in their step.

For most of us it's all of those. You can be devastated at the loss yet still getting on with life and still having a spring in your step occasionally.

@SisforSarah - well, no not all Christian denominations have exactly that 'meet in person' concept.

My late DF remarried after been widowed. A woman my DM and we DC have known all our lives and to be fair she was a far better fit for him, than my DM was. So that problem did not really arise. There ought to be mindfulness and respect from both sides.

This may indeed have been a fishing expedition, but as a widow, I've found it a really touching and helpful thread to discuss these things. I had no idea people believed such silly things though as if you ever cry over your dead husband you simply shouldn't date ever. As @Newkitchen123 said, often that sadness is that the sun is shining today, and they are missing it, or the sadness that they suffered so much, not about you needing them there right now.

Luckily there are sensible, emotionally literature people out there, some anyway! Dating after a certain age is always a bit of a nightmare, as some divorced people can often be quite sad/bitter/angry, and some widows/widowers can also not be ready to move on, but it doesn't help to think too much in terms of stereotypes, and I think we have to accept people have pasts and previous relationships and life journeys unless we are going to be single for another 30 years...

Agree, @CounsellorTroi. Also, the older the widow/widower is, the more likely it is that they were brought up to show a stiff upper lip in public and not impose on other people. My parents are both like this (late 80s).

@Ugzbugz

I'm confused who they meet in heaven

Both presumably. I'd have thought they would be able to split themselves and enjoy their after lives with both partners simultaneously, free from the corporal bonds of being in one place at a time. It's like asking what age you will in the after life, and how if you die old you will appear to someone who died young, say you die at an older age than your own parent for example, would you be older than them if you met again? Presumably you will appear at all ages to all people, and they to you. Surely the nature of it being perfect paradise would mean these things aren't an issue.

........ no second rate substitute husband could ever have replaced him.

I actually find this quite offensive. My second husband is most certainly not second rate!

I suppose it's now (thankfully) quite rare for anyone in the UK to be widowed before old age. In previous eras people had to negotiate this all the time. By contrast, it was also far rarer to be divorced or separated

It's probably more common than you think. I know 4 widows left to raise children alone in the last decade, 12 children between them aged between 4 months and the eldest was 15 (and disabled).
Something like 1 in 20 children will suffer bereavement of either a parent or sibling by the age of 16.
Of those 4 only one has remarried. I would love to see the others find a significant other to share their life at some point.

My mum died when I was 11.

My dad met a woman when I was 14, who not only wanted all traces of my mum erased, she wanted me gone too.

I left home the day I finished my last GCSE. He didn’t marry her, thank god, but she’s been a constant on/off in his life (although not so much over the last ten years as she miraculously fucked got to Australia), she was vile to me, wrote me nasty letters for years on end telling me I was horrible and no one would ever love me. My dad just swept it all under the carpet for an easy life, i’ll never forgive him.

My son is 19, I can’t ever imagine a world where I would have done that to him. By his age, I’d been totally alone and struggling for three years already.

I care for my dad now that he’s declining into dementia and I just look at him sometimes and think “fuck you, you are getting what you deserve”.

@Cocomarine

Married to a widower. Have held him - privately - crying about his wife’s death, quite a few times over the years. Once went to a big sport event that he’d planned to enter but her death had prevented. He was emotional at the end and I just looked and said, “she should have been here for this, yes?” He nodded, and we cried for his loss together. Of course he misses her. I expect it, and have no issue with that.

You know what though? I’m not going to criticise someone else on such a scant OP.

You sound lovely xxxxx

@OnwardsAndSideways1

This may indeed have been a fishing expedition, but as a widow, I've found it a really touching and helpful thread to discuss these things. I had no idea people believed such silly things though as if you ever cry over your dead husband you simply shouldn't date ever. As *@Newkitchen123* said, often that sadness is that the sun is shining today, and they are missing it, or the sadness that they suffered so much, not about you needing them there right now.

Luckily there are sensible, emotionally literature people out there, some anyway! Dating after a certain age is always a bit of a nightmare, as some divorced people can often be quite sad/bitter/angry, and some widows/widowers can also not be ready to move on, but it doesn't help to think too much in terms of stereotypes, and I think we have to accept people have pasts and previous relationships and life journeys unless we are going to be single for another 30 years...

Totally agree

@Babdoc

Reading this thread makes me relieved that I have avoided this minefield. My adored DH died 30 years ago, and I never remarried. I love him and grieve him to this day, and no second rate substitute husband could ever have replaced him. I cannot imagine how awful it must be to pretend to not miss him, to repeatedly choke back tears, to not commemorate his birthday or the anniversary of his death, to pretend to be “over it”, to not discuss him with my DDs, who were babies when he died. It is beyond cruel (and totally unrealistic) to expect the widowed to just “move on” and put a lid on it. Their soulmate remains their soulmate to death and beyond.

Then, with great respect, it's a good thing you don't want another relationship.

I'd fully expect to hear this occasionally, especially at big events like the weddings of their children or when grandchildren appeared.

If I heard if frequently I'd think they were dissatisfied with our marriage.

@Babdoc I'm sorry you were widowed so young. I hope you have been able to find happiness in your life.
I think being widowed for 30 plus years must be incredibly hard especially as your children grow up.

@OnwardsAndSideways1
It doesn't mean you're not emotionally literate to decide ''no, that sadness wouldn't be right for me''. The opposite in fact. Identifying what you want, what you don't want, that is very emotionally intelligent and aware. It mightn't be what you want to hear but people can make the informed decision that somebody else's sadness is not what they want in a relationship.

I'm not even saying that I would definitely never get involved with a widower. I might, but it wouldn't be a sign of any flaw in me if I thought no this isn't for me.

Really surprised that somebody can delude themselves that people OUGHT to accept x,y or z or they're flawed.