To think if you marry a widow/widower....

[LemonSherbetFancies]

You cannot get upset if they publicly say they miss their partner who died?

[quote Sagaz]@OnwardsAndSideways1
It doesn't mean you're not emotionally literate to decide ''no, that sadness wouldn't be right for me''. The opposite in fact. Identifying what you want, what you don't want, that is very emotionally intelligent and aware. It mightn't be what you want to hear but people can make the informed decision that somebody else's sadness is not what they want in a relationship.

I'm not even saying that I would definitely never get involved with a widower. I might, but it wouldn't be a sign of any flaw in me if I thought no this isn't for me.

Really surprised that somebody can delude themselves that people OUGHT to accept x,y or z or they're flawed.[/quote]
Absolutely.

Steve Bland talks beautifully about this in his podcast ‘you me and the big c’ which was started by his late wife Rachel Bland who died of breast cancer. He brings on his new partner to one episode and they speak about exactly this topic. Well worth a listen. Steve seems like such a lovely and kind person, and devoted father. He obviously misses his first wife painfully every day but it couldn’t be more obvious that he adores his new partner too. She talks about the parts she finds difficult (things like wedding photos on the wall in the background of a zoom call for eg) and the reasons why it’s worth it for their relationship. It’s so worth listening too. Rachel’s also the mother of his son so there’s an added layer there too.

My grandmother married a widower after swearing off men after a dick of an ex husband. Said widower was interested in her but she was unsure. However she learned all about how he’d cared for his dying wife and what a lovely, gentle man he was. And she thought that that would do for her. So in essence, it was precisely the fact he was widowed that made her warm to him iyswim.

**5128gap

Ugzbugz
I'm confused who they meet in heaven
Both presumably. I'd have thought they would be able to split themselves and enjoy their after lives with both partners simultaneously, free from the corporal bonds of being in one place at a time. It's like asking what age you will in the after life, and how if you die old you will appear to someone who died young, say you die at an older age than your own parent for example, would you be older than them if you met again? Presumably you will appear at all ages to all people, and they to you. Surely the nature of it being perfect paradise would mean these things aren't an issue**

As idealistic as this sounds, I’m pretty sure this concern won’t ever gone to fruition……

I had a colleague who married a widower and he stated that he would like to be buried with his first wife. Awkward.

It doesn't mean you're not emotionally literate to decide ''no, that sadness wouldn't be right for me''. The opposite in fact. Identifying what you want, what you don't want, that is very emotionally intelligent and aware. It mightn't be what you want to hear but people can make the informed decision that somebody else's sadness is not what they want in a relationship

Totally agree, no obligation to be with a widow or a widower. But divorced people are also equally carrying huge amounts of baggage and sadness too. If you rule out everyone who has ever loved anyone else, everyone who is still a bit hung up on someone else, or anyone who feels regret over the past being gone occasionally even though they are happy in the present, you won't have so many people to choose from! I've dated quite a bit and men who are hurt from their divorces/ex-wives are way worse to deal with, and there's 100 times more of them out there than the odd widower.

But, yes, no obligation to sign up to a lovely widower who loved his wife and has decided to move on with someone else!

My mother's friend has been widowed 4 times ( all the same cause of death). She is a christian and upset as her church tells her she will be reunited with her late husbands in heaven.
She doesn't want 4 men.

@speakout

My mother's friend has been widowed 4 times ( all the same cause of death). She is a christian and upset as her church tells her she will be reunited with her late husbands in heaven. She doesn't want 4 men.

Is she really, genuinely upset about that? Like actually believes it and doesn’t want it? Because it makes you wonder why she kept on marrying…

I suppose it's now (thankfully) quite rare for anyone in the UK to be widowed before old age

It’s really not that rare at all, and a pp has posted the stats. But it’s like many sad things in life, you think it’s rare until it happens to you…..and then you join this club, whether you like it or not, where you suddenly meet people who have had the same experience. My dad died when I was 12. My mum was widowed TWICE by the age of 45. I currently know at least 5 families with school age children where one parent has died.

@speakout

My mother's friend has been widowed 4 times ( all the same cause of death). She is a christian and upset as her church tells her she will be reunited with her late husbands in heaven. She doesn't want 4 men.

haha that sounds tricky all right. but as somebody else said upthread, the idea is that when they all meet in heaven, everybody gets on.

@speakout

This may console your mum's friend:
www.biblehub.com/matthew/22-30.htm

"In the resurrection, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage. Instead, they will be like the angels in heaven."

@OnwardsAndSideways1 oh yes, we all have our own issues. my x was so sexist that I cannot tolerate even the tiniest bit of benign sexism. I pretty sure that my last bf is the last bf I'll ever have because he got the issues that had affected me and understood that it is a man's world. I don't think I'll ever meet another man who understands what women are up against. His sisters were all single parents too so this working class man understood me better than any of the middle class men I'd tried and failed to date. They were all so entitled.

I'm done with relationships now. The only beneficiaries of my ironed out baggage will be my children and eventually maybe (but no pressure) son il law & grandchildren

I once dated a man (a decade ago) whose own single mother had neglected him and I observed after a while that he was really conflicted watching me put my son first. In one way he knew that that 's what his mother should have done for him, but in another way he was so jealous of a child. It wasn't working and I had to end it and I felt sorry for him.

I have a friend who has never had a relationship. She's 49 now, and at this point, although she's never been LOVED she's never been dumped, hurt, abused or betrayed or lead on or cheated on.................. that's still ''baggage'' and if she met somebody it would be perceived as such I reckon.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/adhocs/11434averageageofbecomingawidowerestimatesusingtheonslongitudinalstudyenglandandwales1997to2017 Office for National Statistics says:

^Findings: The Longitudinal Study (LS) estimates that:
76 was the median age of becoming a widow(er) in 2017.
The median age of becoming a widow(er) has increased by 5 years since 1997; (from 71 years in 1997 to 76 years in 2017).
On average, females are widowed at a younger age than males. In 1997, females had a median age of 71 years at age of widowhood, and males 72 years. By 2017 this had increased to 75 years for females and 78 years for males. ^

In my earlier post, I meant by comparison with previous generations life expectancy has increased and far fewer people die before they reach old age. This is often cited as the reason so many people struggle to know what to say to someone who's been bereaved. In Victorian times it was such an everyday part of life that there was a strict etiquette to follow and everybody knew how to behave and what to say, and they could see at a glance from someone else's mourning clothes that they were recently bereaved. Now we don't have any of that, and one of the reasons is it's a much less common experience.

By contrast, nowadays, one in every two marriages ends in divorce. Stats on long-term cohabiting relationships where the partners aren't married are harder to compile, but I believe it's generally accepted they're more likely to break down than marriages.

So far more people of working age must experience losing a partner because the relationship breaks down than from being widowed.

@Sagaz I hear you. Dating after a certain age is certainly an act of hope and faith and not for the faint-hearted!

Remember, you don't just have to be a young widow/widower to want to find someone again, even people in their late 60's, 70's, 80's want to have companionship, love and even a bit of romance. Not everyone wants to go down that route, but many do.

The second half of my reply was to the @Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g.

@TableFlowerss

**5128gap

Ugzbugz
I'm confused who they meet in heaven
Both presumably. I'd have thought they would be able to split themselves and enjoy their after lives with both partners simultaneously, free from the corporal bonds of being in one place at a time. It's like asking what age you will in the after life, and how if you die old you will appear to someone who died young, say you die at an older age than your own parent for example, would you be older than them if you met again? Presumably you will appear at all ages to all people, and they to you. Surely the nature of it being perfect paradise would mean these things aren't an issue**

As idealistic as this sounds, I’m pretty sure this concern won’t ever gone to fruition……

Yeah me too. But if I did believe in heaven and ever got there I'd be pretty underwhelmed if I still had to worry about the same things we do here.

I know of someone who lost her husband who was the real love of her life. 18 months later she met someone new who she says she feels exactly the same about. Of course she isn't lucky to have that especially after what she has be through but I do wonder how someone can meet 2 soul mates in such a short space of time. That is fortunate.

Not neccessarily, it'll depend on the context. EG, Cocomarine's DH and DD missing their loved one at the graduation, a significant life event. It is possible to love more than one person.

@TurquoiseDragon

Not neccessarily, it'll depend on the context. EG, Cocomarine's DH and DD missing their loved one at the graduation, a significant life event. It is possible to love more than one person.

This was supposed to have a quote attached, so no idea where it went.