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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arachnophobics - I want to understand. DSis is leaving holiday.

271 replies

Dollywilde · 11/09/2021 21:15

Ok first off I hate spiders. I really do. Once got a randomer off my local FB to remove one.

But we are on holiday. First family holiday since baby was born. My sister has left after one night because she can’t cope with the spiders.

I paid for and organised it. They’re not huge (nothing bigger than a 5p piece). She’s severely arachnaphobic, I get that. But I’m cross, we have activities planned and she wanted to come and I can’t believe she’s letting this ruin the holiday.

It’s her thing, she’s going, I get it doesn’t affect me aside from the fact we all wanted a lovely holiday together. And I know it’s a real phobia.

Basically, can people shake some sense into me to stop me being cross? I don’t want to be cross with her. But walking out half way through a holiday I paid for is making me sad. We were having such a lovely time and this has basically made the entire break a waste of time and ££££.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 12/09/2021 20:11

@Hardbackwriter
"The one thing I do find a little difficult to accept about people with this kind of phobia (and I realise this might be total ignorance) is that they think spiders are too terrifying to contemplate but they always expect others to do it for them. I had a housemate many years ago who had quite a long list of things - spiders, bees, wasps and other insects, anything very mouldy or filthy, anything involving going into a small space (specifically our attic) - that she deemed completely beyond her as she found them all too frightening and unpleasant, so she expected me to deal with them all - I did end up resenting the fact that these things were all apparently too unpleasant or dangerous for her to put herself through, but they were all ok for me to have to do. I find it hard to imagine finding something that terrifying but merrily sending others off to deal with it so I didn't have to. But as I said, perhaps this is something you can't understand if you don't have a phobia."

With me I know its a phobia... I know it can't hurt me....I know its stupid...but that doesn't stop the panic....thats why I can ask other people who are not phobic about my phobia to deal with stuff.... but your flatmate may well have been a cf....phobia is not finding things unpleasant or dangerous...its genuine panic

drspouse · 12/09/2021 20:18

@Branleuse

Where is she going to go to that wont have any spiders when september is spider season?
I was wondering this, how does she cope with her home, going for a walk, going to the shops, cinema etc?
CorianderAndCream · 12/09/2021 20:25

I'm not arachnophobic but I do have a different phobia. It's nothing like regular fear or dislike. It's runs through your body and causes absolute abject terror. Mines so bad that My heart rate drops and I pass out. Once went into hypotension.

whiskersonkittenss · 12/09/2021 20:38

I used to be frightened of spiders then started watching YouTubers who keep tarantulas. I now have 6 tarantulas. I don't know if it would help anyone else to watch the care and husbandry of these creatures but they are so interesting

Sandfairy69 · 12/09/2021 20:43

I actually stayed overseas 33 years frightened to return to the U.K. and our ridiculous house-spiders so definitely understand your sisters very real phobia. Maybe holidays in September in a wooded area was not the best idea but she could also have thought about that and said no thanks.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 12/09/2021 20:48

RincewindsHat 😱
This happened to me on an overnight train overseas.
They were literally crawling everywhere. I was terrified and the locals thought it was hilarious.
The lights went out as the journey went on. I didn't sleep a wink and discovered dead cockroaches underneath where I was sitting at daylight.
I now have an intense fear of cockroaches. Funny really.

godmum56 · 12/09/2021 20:49

@whiskersonkittenss

I used to be frightened of spiders then started watching YouTubers who keep tarantulas. I now have 6 tarantulas. I don't know if it would help anyone else to watch the care and husbandry of these creatures but they are so interesting
being frightened is not the same as havng a phobia
pucelleauxblanchesmains · 12/09/2021 20:55

Gold star for you @KaycePollard for being SO MUCH MORE MATURE than all the people setting feminism back by uh... suffering from a phobia. The bastards.
For the record I don't mind spiders except for big ones but I am perfectly capable of understanding why other people might develop a phobia of all of them. But maybe we should all run through a list of our fears with you to check if we're allowed to have them?

whiskersonkittenss · 12/09/2021 20:57

I was phobic but I didn't think I'd need to state that. I used to be frightened of needles to the point I missed vaccinations in school and wouldn't go on holiday because I'd need vacs. Not sure what happened in my brain but I forced myself to donate blood now I'm fine. I also used to leave rooms, panic, sweat and cry over spiders...

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 12/09/2021 21:05

My husband nearly wrecked our hire car in Spain because he went to put his sun visor down and a spider came out of it! He went nuts vering all over the road, almost hit another car, and finally did an emergency stop on the side of the road. I had to strip everything out of the car, but couldn't find the bloody thing. He was terrified after that, so I had to drive in case it popped up again, as they don't bother me at all thank goodness. Bless him though, as he comes to the rescue with me, if there's a mouse in the house, so we help each other with our weird phobias.

I also had to drive to the rescue when my daughter got a youngster to babysit, both she and the grandkids were terrified of a tiny spider, so she phoned me and asked me to go and get rid of it. Couldn't help wondering how she'd have coped in a real emergency!

cricketmum84 · 12/09/2021 21:17

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

My husband nearly wrecked our hire car in Spain because he went to put his sun visor down and a spider came out of it! He went nuts vering all over the road, almost hit another car, and finally did an emergency stop on the side of the road. I had to strip everything out of the car, but couldn't find the bloody thing. He was terrified after that, so I had to drive in case it popped up again, as they don't bother me at all thank goodness. Bless him though, as he comes to the rescue with me, if there's a mouse in the house, so we help each other with our weird phobias.

I also had to drive to the rescue when my daughter got a youngster to babysit, both she and the grandkids were terrified of a tiny spider, so she phoned me and asked me to go and get rid of it. Couldn't help wondering how she'd have coped in a real emergency!

One of my neighbours actually killed someone because a spider was in his car, he lost control, mounted the pavement and hit her. Very sad.
BritMommyAbroad · 12/09/2021 21:59

I’m with your sister on this. I’m guessing she really didn’t want to abandon the holiday either, so for her leave because of her fear, it must be bad. That’s the thing about phobias, they’re not rational. Whilst you can look in from the outside and rationalize it, she can’t.

VeganCow · 12/09/2021 22:24

OP you say you're struggling to understand your sisters reaction to the spiders. It's a sliding scale of fear. I'm struggling to understand how you had to get a Facebook randomer to remove a spider for you, because they don't bother me at all and I leave them be in my house.
But we're all different.
Surely you see that you can't judge her reaction when yours was ott to some people too?

louderthan · 12/09/2021 22:41

Spiders don't bother me at all but I am terrified of sn*kes. The thought of staying somewhere with even one is just....no. I would run a mile. Don't care how much it cost.

Libraryghost · 12/09/2021 23:04

@KaycePollard I LOVE my ex neighbour. To be fair she was in a massive mood that day, heavily pregnant etc and we laugh about it now but seriously she cured me overnight. Every time I see a spider I see that look in her eyes 🤣. Ladies with this phobia I am not being unkind. I get it, I was beyond irrational about spiders but you can overcome it in time. Start by looking at pictures or learning about them, take baby steps. But if you tell yourself you cannot do anything about it then you never will.

Hakunapotato · 12/09/2021 23:37

If you see 10+ spiders of varying size in one day, and you have a phobia, you will be on high alert for what’s coming next! If there were 10 moths/mice/snakes/other phobia appeared out of the blue you’d be constantly worrying about the next one appearing. I always hated spiders growing up and then someone chased me with one and threw it at me. Since then my heart thuds, I sweat, feel lightheaded and can’t sit at peace. For those saying they wouldn’t let spiders leave their holiday, think about how bad your phobia would have to be to willingly give up a holiday 1 night in after looking forward to it, packing, travelling etc. I’m guessing she’s a bit gutted herself!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/09/2021 00:26

London zoo hold the most amazing courses to conquer this. My friend went from paralysis at the sight of a spider to holding a tarantula, amazing.

nanbread · 13/09/2021 00:32

OP I would strongly encourage your Dsis to look into Havening. It can make phobias go away sometimes in half an hour.

Fleshmechanic · 13/09/2021 00:52

After reading how many, I think you're unreasonable. I couldn't stay somewhere with that many. I couldn't afford to leave but I would be very unsettled and upset. I can see why she had to go, even though its shitty and unreasonable. She should try to get therapy if she can.

Blueink · 13/09/2021 00:56

That’s a lot of spiders! Full on phobia, the small size of 10(!) of them wouldn’t help

Mamanyt · 13/09/2021 00:56

The definition of "phobia" is an irrational fear of something. She can no more help this than she can stop breathing...or not without a lot of therapy. You'd be just as reasonable blaming her for all that constant in and out with the air that she does. While it's perfectly normal to be disappointed about something like this, being angry about it is both useless and counter-productive.

Look, it doesn't matter what size that spider might be. In her mind, it is five feet long, has fangs that drip venom, and is plotting her demise, probably gathering all its friends to help. And she CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT. If she is as phobic about them as I once was, she may get anxious and slightly nauseated simply looking at photographs of them. In fact, I still do, although after LOTS of therapy, I am able to take a fly-swatter and kill one...I no longer run, screaming, from the house. It is miserable.

Was it just the two of you? That's the only way I can see that she would have spoiled your entire holiday. If it was, find lovely ways to pamper yourself. If not, enjoy the people you are with while trying to feel badly that she is missing the fun because of a fear she has no control over.

Mollymoostoo · 13/09/2021 07:30

@RincewindsHat

How many spiders are there? What's the accommodation like? I stayed in a room (in another country) once which had an actual nest of cockroaches in a massive hole in the wall half hidden by a wardrobe and they were everywhere - severe infestation, ran over me in bed, were all over the curtains when I went to pull them open or closed, woke up in the middle of the night, turned the light on and decided I had to sleep in my hiking boots as the floor was crawling with them to the extent I could not put my feet down. I had nightmares for years afterwards, and for a period every time I closed my eyes I saw cockroaches crawling across my vision. The fear genuinely affected me for a long time after, and I would be the exact same way staying anywhere with spiders, so if there are lots of them...I'm with your sister. Phobias are real!
This is not a phobia, this is rational based on experience. I would have been sleeping in my car! Confused
Mollymoostoo · 13/09/2021 07:32

Does she have a diagnosis or is she just saying she is afraid. A phobia is a diagnosed MH condition that is debilitating. It drives me mad when people claim to have a phobia when actually they just don't like something.

YANBU her DH could have vacumed last night and she could have stayed. But I'm sure she feels ridiculous in the cold light of day

Porcupineintherough · 13/09/2021 08:23

@Mamanyt most of what you posted is nonsense. Any fear of spiders in the UK is irrational (they cant hurt you) and people draw all sorts of artibary boundaries around their arachnaphobia in order to allow them to function in everyday life. It's not true at all that it has to be this all encompassing obsession that excuses any irrationality.

Most people can't afford to move house, or leave their job or ditch a holiday because a spider or 6 appears. So they invent "rules", or rituals to keep themselves mentally safe or get treatment for their phobia so this doesnt happen.

Tlollj · 13/09/2021 08:43

If it’s irrational, and if it’s a phobia then it must be irrational by definition, and you know it’s irrational then stop being scared of something that’s irrational to be scared of.
I know you’re all going to shout at me. But I genuinely don’t get it.