To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

I had my DD in my early 30s - TBH I didn't enjoy my twenties that much as I was so stressed about career, boyfriends, then in a not-great relationship with DD's dad. I think there's a lot to be said for having children young - by the time you are in your 40s (as I am now) you know yourself much better and are well placed to forge ahead in life/work. Of course there's no "right way" but I do think we are needlessly negative about having children young.

@ouchmyfeet

Your comment (in my experience) relates more to very young teen mums than 20 something mums. Which is clearly due to interrupted education.

I know a lot of 20 somethings who finished their degrees (usually picking up a man along the way!), went travelling for a year, got a foothold in their chosen profession, enjoyed life for a couple of years then had a baby at say 26 or 27.

The other 20 something mums i know are a teacher, an engineer, a solicitor and a trainee social worker.

I know a few teenage mums, one is now a qualified midwife and still with the dad, the other is a tattoo artist and her life is a bit of a mess (not saying the two things are related!)

@ouchmyfeet women are perfectly able to have a career in their 20s, even when having a child I have to say at my children's school, most SAHMS are well into their 30s/40s. Perhaps it's area/industry dependent, but I, personally, can't see many young women willing to live fianncially dependent on their DH .. times change.

@user908768543

This. Everyone I know who had kids in their 20s has no career. They literally all work in low paid, insecure positions and industries. Honestly I think having kids so young is pretty daft and short sighted.

It sounds like you have a very limited circle, perhaps the problem isn't young mums but your small world? Ironic that you are slamming a whole demographic with your snobbery, and yet your stupidity knows no bounds, heard of irony? Let me introduce myself, senior leader by 33, programme managing multi million pound projects and signing off on decisions that have a national impact, oh and a mother at 22. Nice to meet you, now you don't have to repeat that moronic comment ever again.

She was talking from her own experience. It was really quite obvs. Don’t be so fucking rude or use abelist language.

Let me introduce myself, senior leader by 33, programme managing multi million pound projects and signing off on decisions that have a national impact, oh and a mother at 22.

But statistically that's quite unusual even without motherhood

@Realyorkshiretea I don’t understand this obsession you have with men and commitment. I think we can see using statistic of single motherhood now that women having children later or earlier had little to no effect on the rate of men being committed to their partners at all.

I don’t care about men and their vommitment. I care about women choosing to have children when they want and it seems women are now choosing to have women later. I really don’t think women having children earlier will prompt better maternity leave at all. It will prompt employers to hire women even less because in their eyes they are ‘encumbered’ even earlier and that makes them unappealing employers. So they wouldn’t receive any maternity leave at all instead. We live in a capitalist country and that is what it comes down to.

@ithinkilikeit and I'm just saying you don't know about what hasn't happened. We all know pregnancy and motherhood changes us entirely. I wasn't mentally or financially stable at 22, I hadn't completed my studies, I'm sure it's possible if I hadn't have fallen pregnant I'd have been one of the posters here saying how awful it would have been if I'd fallen pregnant at that time. But I did, and I wasn't awful, it was hard work don't get me wrong nor am I saying people should do it the way I did it, but it really wasn't the sentence of misery some people make it out to be, quite the opposite. Becoming a mother gave me a drive to succeed and I hope if any young pregnant women are reading this thread they know it isn't automatically game over as others would like them to believe.

I think it is a worry for most DM's of any age.
I am not afraid of dying but I'm terrified of dying when my DC are young.
You're not alone feeling like this it is very common.

@SeriouslyISuppose and you bring up another good point to @user908768543. I would have been a shit mother most of all because I did not want a child. Tbh I think if you take a survey of 20-25 year olds now you would find the majority of them do not want one yet.

[quote NortieTortie]@ouchmyfeet women are perfectly able to have a career in their 20s, even when having a child I have to say at my children's school, most SAHMS are well into their 30s/40s. Perhaps it's area/industry dependent, but I, personally, can't see many young women willing to live fianncially dependent on their DH .. times change.[/quote]
All the sahm I know had their first child between 16-20. So I think this is probably highly subjective

@TomatoSquash

Plenty of 60 year olds would be enormously insulted by that Well put it this way: You have to sacrifice yourself for 20 years to raise kids. By the time they leave home and I’m free I’ll be 60 and it’ll be too late to leave DH and find someone to fall in love with. But if I’d had them at 20 I could leave DH at 40 and still be young enough to find someone else.

Some of us quite like our DHs and don't quantify our lives with when we can leave them and find someone else to fall in love with what a weird statement. Also, raising children has nothing to do with staying with your husband. If you don't love him, leave him. Don't wait 20years and then write yourself off.

@Ozanj did you read the comment I was replying to? That's exactly my point. You can't just say XYZ, as there will always be some anecdotal evidence to the contrary

[quote ithinkilikeit]@Realyorkshiretea I don’t understand this obsession you have with men and commitment. I think we can see using statistic of single motherhood now that women having children later or earlier had little to no effect on the rate of men being committed to their partners at all.

I don’t care about men and their vommitment. I care about women choosing to have children when they want and it seems women are now choosing to have women later. I really don’t think women having children earlier will prompt better maternity leave at all. It will prompt employers to hire women even less because in their eyes they are ‘encumbered’ even earlier and that makes them unappealing employers. So they wouldn’t receive any maternity leave at all instead. We live in a capitalist country and that is what it comes down to.[/quote]
But if men are taught that commitment is for much later down the line, then women can’t choose to have children when they want, can they? Do you not read the desperate posts on here by single women whose boyfriends endlessly ‘date’ them for years with zero commitment?

Given women make up a huge proportion of the workforce now, and we have equality legislation, I’m not convinced employers will suddenly stop employing women. Perhaps the answer there is shared parental leave that actually works.

She was talking from her own experience. It was really quite obvs. Don’t be so fucking rude or use abelist language.

Oh please, her comment was ignorant and stupid.

If anyone really is so perplexed about the idea of successful young mothers and think we are such a minority, I recommend checking out the women in leadership conferences in London and Manchester coming up. Open your eyes a little bit to open up that "experience".

@repog

Let me introduce myself, senior leader by 33, programme managing multi million pound projects and signing off on decisions that have a national impact, oh and a mother at 22.

But statistically that's quite unusual even without motherhood

I would say it’s as rare as hens teeth

@user908768543

She was talking from her own experience. It was really quite obvs. Don’t be so fucking rude or use abelist language.

Oh please, her comment was ignorant and stupid.

If anyone really is so perplexed about the idea of successful young mothers and think we are such a minority, I recommend checking out the women in leadership conferences in London and Manchester coming up. Open your eyes a little bit to open up that "experience".

What would their reaction be to you using the ‘m word’?

@Ozanj I’m another one so given there are two hens with teeth on this thread, I would say your guess is rubbish.

[quote Realyorkshiretea]@Ozanj I’m another one so given there are two hens with teeth on this thread, I would say your guess is rubbish.[/quote]
Yes, so successful you have all the time everyday to reply to threads about older mums.

@Ozanj and you’re so successful you have time to reply 😉

It’s Saturday, by the way…

@Realyorkshiretea I don’t think men are taught anything by the age I’m that women have children. Sorry but the reason there are more single women wondering why men won’t marry them after having kids is because these women have failed to realise that nowadays having kids with someone means diddly squat. It could be a one night stand or a 15 year relationship.

Therefore they can get a women pregnant when she is 21 or 39 and can still choose to not commit and many women will stay with him. Women having children is not the answer to lack of commitment in men. It truly is not. And even if it is not the solution to men choosing not to commit so not making women have kids early. There is a reason why women having more rights to education and employment cause a shift to later childbearing. And imo it’s a good thing. Fear of infertility down the road is not a reason to rush into parenthood.

Having a child in modern society is no longer seen as a commitment for men . It’s an annoying deduction from your pay check from CMS at worst for most men.

@Ozanj why are you so bitter?

@user908768543 if you are talking about financial aux des and career success then yes it is a statistically minority in comparison to women who have children later. That is an unavoidable fact.

I believe it should not be a minority and that having children young should not hinder your career but right now in the U.K. the fact is having children young is more likely to lead to a lower wage over a women’s lifetime. That is a well documented fact.

I had mine at 28.5 and 31 and I think that's young. I couldn't have even thought about having children any younger I was too busy enjoying myself.

I know mumsnet isn't a hive mind, and different posters reply to different threads. But what I find here is that many posters project themselves as the liberal middle classes, feminists, open minded, until it comes to a topic like young mothers and all of a sudden generalisations prevail, and the so called intellect dribbles away and ignorant opinions with very little empathy in full force. Would rather convince everybody their way is the only feasible way of living and any so called outliers or challenge aren't real or too rare (in their experience) to add any value to a discussion.

the fact is having children young is more likely to lead to a lower wage over a women’s lifetime. That is a well documented fact.

Being a mother end of, regardless of age, leads to a lower wage.