To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

And that's the same for everyone then?* That's not 'the way to do it'. There's no 'right' way.*

Omg. Context. Sky lies entire post was in response to PPs dismissing young parents. I think her anecdote was quite inspiring, actually.

Argue with the poster who said it @LookAtMoiPloise. It wasn’t me. I just clarified when you purported not to understand what was said. .

I thoroughly agree with Realyorkshiretea. After I turned 30 it was really difficult to meet someone suitable to marry. Actually, whilst I don’t regret the experiences of my 20s, I do feel that society at the time hammered home the “career woman” message rather too strongly.
I actually felt ashamed that by my early 30s I’d completed lost interest in any career and just wanted to settle down. The subliminal message was that you should want more than that.
I’ve told my daughter not to leave it as late as I did.

@Blossomtoes

Argue with the poster who said it *@LookAtMoiPloise*. It wasn’t me. I just clarified when you purported not to understand what was said. .

Sorry, that was for them, half the quote isn't in bold.

@Realyorkshiretea it's unfair of you to assume your friends 'blithely think they've got ages' to have a child. I don't know why so many people think women are blissfully unaware of the biological clock.

I'm sure people assumed the same about me. Actually I was desperate to meet someone, it just never worked out long term. And in fact the more stressed you are because you're aware you're reaching the end of your best dating years (if you want kids) and that puts more strain on dating and relationships and makes it much less likely they will fail.

I find it really irritating when people who were lucky (yes, lucky) enough to meet someone young and stay together completely dismiss how difficult dating is at 30+.

[quote Rozziie]@Realyorkshiretea it's unfair of you to assume your friends 'blithely think they've got ages' to have a child. I don't know why so many people think women are blissfully unaware of the biological clock.

I'm sure people assumed the same about me. Actually I was desperate to meet someone, it just never worked out long term. And in fact the more stressed you are because you're aware you're reaching the end of your best dating years (if you want kids) and that puts more strain on dating and relationships and makes it much less likely they will fail.

I find it really irritating when people who were lucky (yes, lucky) enough to meet someone young and stay together completely dismiss how difficult dating is at 30+.[/quote]
Well it isn’t because I have heard them discussing the matter on many occasions, and if anyone touches on wanting to meet someone soon, it’s all ‘you’ve got bags of time, do you really want something serious right now?’ Etc etc

I’m sure it is quite irritating, as it’s a luck game more than anything. But it does seem men willing to make a commitment and plan for the future before 35 or so are thin on the ground.

@Realyorkshiretea well that's often a thing people say to make people feel better, isn't it? Who's really going to say 'yeah, better get moving, you're already looking quite wrinkly and tired and not getting any younger?'

Likewise, who is really going to admit they're desperately lonely and hoping they meet someone? When I'm asked, I give some non committal answer about not having met the right person and enjoying my own company anyway. What else am I supposed to say?

As you say, men are reluctant to commit before 35 and unfortunately that's right about the time dating for women gets REALLY hard, as they're chasing 20-somethings then. So if, like me, you're unfortunate enough to have a relationship end around 30ish, it's really quite a battle to meet someone in time to have a family.

[quote Rozziie]@Realyorkshiretea well that's often a thing people say to make people feel better, isn't it? Who's really going to say 'yeah, better get moving, you're already looking quite wrinkly and tired and not getting any younger?'

Likewise, who is really going to admit they're desperately lonely and hoping they meet someone? When I'm asked, I give some non committal answer about not having met the right person and enjoying my own company anyway. What else am I supposed to say?

As you say, men are reluctant to commit before 35 and unfortunately that's right about the time dating for women gets REALLY hard, as they're chasing 20-somethings then. So if, like me, you're unfortunate enough to have a relationship end around 30ish, it's really quite a battle to meet someone in time to have a family.[/quote]
Maybe we should! Minus the wrinkles part of course because really how many 30 something are wrinkly?! But maybe we should be more honest, like @Skysblue - if people still want to postpone it and take that chance, that’s a matter for them, but I do feel there is a level of denial. I have seen quite a few posts on conception threads where women in their early 40s are genuinely surprised not to be pregnant after a few months trying.

[quote Rozziie]@Realyorkshiretea well that's often a thing people say to make people feel better, isn't it? Who's really going to say 'yeah, better get moving, you're already looking quite wrinkly and tired and not getting any younger?'

Likewise, who is really going to admit they're desperately lonely and hoping they meet someone? When I'm asked, I give some non committal answer about not having met the right person and enjoying my own company anyway. What else am I supposed to say?

As you say, men are reluctant to commit before 35 and unfortunately that's right about the time dating for women gets REALLY hard, as they're chasing 20-somethings then. So if, like me, you're unfortunate enough to have a relationship end around 30ish, it's really quite a battle to meet someone in time to have a family.[/quote]
@Rozziie

Have you considered solo parenting via a sperm donor?

Yes, from a personal experience dating in your 35+ was pure hell, I do sympathise with the experience, and because of it I'd pulled the plug on it at 38 /39 and went down the solo motherhood by choice. Really sorry to hear it's been tough for you.

I had my two in my mid - late twenties and it was pretty perfect for me.

By the time I had kids, I'd been to uni, established my career, owned a 3 bed house (with mortgage), had spent a decade clubbing, holidays to Ibiza etc and was done with the clubbing scene, I had met my dh, married, settled and was ready to move on to the next stage of my life.

By having my children in my 20s, I was lucky that my children were able to have a very close relationship with their grandparents who were in their 50s, and their great grandparents who were in their 70s.

Now I'm mid 40s with children in their teens, both will go off to uni over the next few years, both by the time I'm 50. Loving the fact that DH and I are getting our lives back, I'm now studying for my doctorate, and really appreciate it now - far more than I enjoyed studying for my undergrad, or even my masters, which I did in my early - mid 20s. One of my friends had her friends in her early 40s, and I take my hat off to her, I don't know how she coped with the late nights, lack of sleep, permanent tiredness etc. I certainly couldn't do it again now.

But I think the sacrifices for me are financial. Having a child earlier meant I started working part time earlier, so I have a smaller / cheaper house, less glamorous holidays and a smaller pension pot than if I'd had my children later. However, as my children are a bigger priority to me than money, I'm glad I've had my children in my life for longer, and unless I have an early death, I will hopefully also enjoy a close relationship with both my grandchildren and great grandchildren.

@anthurium yes but I really don't think I'd cope. I'm autistic with ADHD and I think I'd really need someone else around to help. TBH I'd much rather have a partner but no child than a child and no partner. At this stage, at least. :(

@Realyorkshiretea well I can only comment on myself and people I know, and there has never been any denial. If anything, feeling stressed about meeting someone only made things worse, and made it even more likely the woman would get to 35+ and still be single.

I mean, what are you really meant to do about it if you just don't meet the right person? I met someone I thought was my soulmate at 23, we were together 7-8 years and it just didn't work out in the end. Apart from that I just haven't met anyone I clicked with and who wanted to be with me.

It feels like there’s a lack of honesty and all the while women pretend all is fine it just enables the blokes in a way. Yet I felt immense social pressure to pretend I didn’t care and implied pressure from men not to appear desperate so it is all a trap.

I met DH through work; I was 35 and quite early on I told him straight what I wanted long term (it wasn’t daunting because I knew him as a mate). By that point I was utterly sick of complicated, damaged men and prepared to go it alone if required.

Before I met DH, I used to discuss this issue with my friend. My friend seriously thought she could have a kid at 50 and that I was being ridiculous, worrying about this in my early 30s. And shes an intelligent woman.

This thread is making me think i should stop hanging around for mr right and have a baby with a donor now. I'm 33 own a 2 bed flat with a garden. Higher rate tax payer, good stable career. Good maternity benefits.

Why am I waiting around?

Also have to say there is defo a stigma amongst my circle to have children in your 20s which is pretty ridiculous if you ask me.

They feel that you're missing out on life experiences and effing your career up.

They feel that you're missing out on life experiences and effing your career up.
It is silly really.

This thread is making me think i should stop hanging around for mr right and have a baby with a donor now. I'm 33 own a 2 bed flat with a garden. Higher rate tax payer, good stable career. Good maternity benefits.
Sounds like a good plan.
Mr right will love you both if he is Mr right.
It is doable and most women do the lions share of parenting anyway.
Early congratulations 🎊

I think this thread is really sad. Makes out that the period when you have children is rubbish and life only begins again when they grow up.

I think this thread is really sad. Makes out that the period when you have children is rubbish and life only begins again when they grow up. Or life only happens before they're born.

They feel that you're missing out on life experiences and effing your career up.
Quick question on this.
How is starting your career as a young DM any more damaging than taking maternity leave 40 and sometimes twice in a short period?

@EmeraldShamrock

They feel that you're missing out on life experiences and effing your career up. It is silly really.

This thread is making me think i should stop hanging around for mr right and have a baby with a donor now. I'm 33 own a 2 bed flat with a garden. Higher rate tax payer, good stable career. Good maternity benefits.
Sounds like a good plan.
Mr right will love you both if he is Mr right.
It is doable and most women do the lions share of parenting anyway.
Early congratulations 🎊

Thanks!

Think I'm going to go for it. Really loved reading about women's various experiences of having children at different ages on here.

@EmeraldShamrock

I think this thread is really sad. Makes out that the period when you have children is rubbish and life only begins again when they grow up. Or life only happens before they're born.

Quite. I see a lot of ‘why would I want to be changing nappies and cleaning up sick in my 20s when I could be hungover in Ibiza’ type comments.

If it’s so grim why bother at all

@EmeraldShamrock

They feel that you're missing out on life experiences and effing your career up. Quick question on this. How is starting your career as a young DM any more damaging than taking maternity leave 40 and sometimes twice in a short period?

Well I think this is very dependant on the woman and her chosen career.

For me, I had 2 years of post graduate study and 2 years of on the job training.

Not impossible to do with DC, but very very hard. Low wages would have made childcare ridiculously hard. I wouldn't have had a disadvantage when competing with peers. Late nights in the office to get ahead would have been impossible.

Whereas now, I have my professional qualification and years of experience. It's highly unlikely I'd ever be out of a job for long. I have more ability to delegate work. I am able to work more flexibly.

However, this is very specific to my job. Realise most people don't want to do this, and don't have jobs like this.

@IceLace100 You're only 33.
I'd my 2nd at 34 I've lots of energy with him, it is a good age.
Many women leave it much later in their career.

I wish that too as left it to thirty which was late in my eyes many years back and my kids didn’t have long with their grandparents and my mum was amazing with them and all her many grandkids and life was very hard and different when she died. Have one grandparent left but they are extremely old and not involved anymore. It is a different life as my own parents were very young and as a child I had loads of relatives, cousins, family events, whereas my kids don’t have any of that.

It's not about age at all. Everyone has different priorities at different ages that works for them For me I liked having very little responsibility in my 20s and I prioritised travel. I don't regret waiting to have kids and anyway I didn't meet my husband till I was in my 30s. Its not like your life is over once you have kids and I have plenty of plans to look forward to in my 50s and 60s. There is no right or wrong way.