To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

I get what you are saying and can see why some would choose that but I would have utterly resented the constrains of motherhood if I hadnt had my 20s to establish a career, live abroad, party a bit. And whilst I was doing this future dh was starting on the property ladder and building a career so we actually had somewhere to put the babies when they eventually arrived. And actually I got more help from my mum having a baby mid 30s when she was newly retired than I would have done in my mid 20s when she had my younger brother at home and a full time job. So horses for courses I guess.

I am sometimes sad that I'm likely to be in my late 70s before I become a grandmother (if, of course, I ever do). That's the major disbenefit of delayed childbearing as far as I'm concerned.

Enjoying all the examples of people who don't match my experience, which clearly reflects my social circle. It doesn't change my experience though, my original statement (that all the women I know who had kids in their 20s work in unskilled, insecure, low paid jobs) remains true. So take offence if you like, but it's what I see.

FWIW, there are clearly benefits and downsides to giving birth at all ages. Let's face it, we are all economically and physically disadvantaged by it, regardless of when it happens.

Me and my friends are in that generation who were was brought up that the worst possible thing you could do was get pregnant young.

We worked crazy hard, built professional careers, then started trying for babies in our early thirties. Our careers instantly crumbled to dust, because they simply weren’t compatible with parenting (incidentally, leaving various male work rivals to sweep up our clients and thus progress to high paid partnership / directorships).

I wasn’t able to have more than one child - some women are fertile into their forties, some like me lose fertility by their early thirties. IVF was painful, expensive, and failed.

I WISH more than anything I’d been advised “babies first career later” and am very bitter about the lie I was sold that smart girls should put their career first. I would have loved a big family. My career was pointless.

There’s definitely a focus on travelling on MN. I haven’t. I have been on holiday but never travelled in the usual sense of the word.

I don’t really regret anything but I do know having children late has impacted my career - I can’t do anything beyond what I’m doing as life is manic enough with no family support and two working parents - and while we are well off that’s because of DH, not me. I’m earning less than I was before children.

I am happy and don’t regret a thing but just the same I’m not sure it’s ‘good’ if one had a choice.

Ps while in my professional job I had a 25 yr old trainee who had just started work, having had two children aged 19 and 20. She’s a senior partner now. Now that’s how to do it…

@Skysblue

Ps while in my professional job I had a 25 yr old trainee who had just started work, having had two children aged 19 and 20. She’s a senior partner now. Now that’s how to do it…

I had to read that more than once to understand it. 😅

Oh dear.

@Blossomtoes

Oh dear.

?

Sorry I was referring to anyone not understanding Skyblue’s post. I should have made it clearer.

[quote gibletjane]@Realyorkshiretea I understand how averages work however teenage pregnancies have been declining for years.

"In 2018, conception rates for under 18-year-olds in England and Wales declined by 6.1% to 16.8 conceptions per 1,000 women"

And likewise whilst more women are having dc over 40 it's still not a huge amount

"In 2018, there were 16.3 conceptions per 1,000 women aged over 40 years."[/quote]
I acknowledge it isn’t a huge number, but it is still very steeply rising, and I do think it would be much higher than that in middle class circles. I have a broad church of friends but I would say most are middle class. We’re in our early 30s and out of one particular group of around 8 of us, I’m the only one to have a child. Obviously that wouldn’t matter if they didn’t want children, but they all say they do - most of them are single and blithely assuming they’ve got plenty of time to meet someone, get married & settle down. I’m sure for the most part they will, but there will also be a portion for whom that never happens and they’re left with difficult decisions.

I don’t say anything because the moment you do, everyone accuses you of either doing the ‘misery loves company’ thing, or wanting women to live an Amish way of life.

@Skysblue what career did you have that crumbled to dust because you had a child?

I had my dds in my early 20s. I’m so glad I did abs it’s worked out brilliantly for us. My mum is super unhelpful so no matter when I had kids she wouldn’t have been much support. But DMIL was fab and really helpful. However now she’s in her late 70s and is starting to get noticeably forgetful. There’s no way she could look after a baby or toddler and I wouldn’t even ask her, I am now the age that most middle class mums consider ideal to start trying for a baby.

But, I love being a mum to teens in my mid 30s. I feel like we have a lot in common and we are actually very close with a lot of shared interests. I’m not as good without sleep now as I was in my early 20s and I definitely think I’d would find the baby stage harder now than I did then. I also don’t feel I’ve missed out, but I know many do.

The downside as it usually is with having kids young is that we were pretty strapped for cash when the kids were small. I didn’t have a career and just worked jobs around DHs hours so didn’t have to may for much child care MIL helped out too. The kids don’t remember us not having much money though and really didn’t care that a lot of their baby stuff was second hand. Now their teens and we are comfortable enough and I’m doing a degree now to qualify in the area I’ve been an assistant in for years. If I’d have waited until now to have kids I’d have had a break mid career I’d probably not be any further along by my mid 40s than I will be doing things this way round.

It’s not for everyone, but being a young parent has worked out well for me and I’m really glad that I did things this way round.

@Realyorkshiretea I still don’t see the merit to this cultural shift happening. We know live in a world where there is feee choice. Why does the cultural norm need to shift. Women who want children at 30 should have children then. Some people want to be peri menopausal. when they have kids. It’s there choice. Your coming at it with a weird angle that it is undeniably better to have children younger. It might be biologically easier but financially harder. For some people that’s the case and they can choose to do so. For some it is not.

The IVF thing is not really here or there. There are some who will struggle to conceive in late 30’s and of course this is higher than those who struggle in 20’s but it is again there choice to have kids later. I don’t think there needs to be a societal shift at all.

Your coming at it with a weird angle that it is undeniably better to have children younger

Biologically it is and that’s undeniable. Fertility declines with age the incidence of Down’s Syndrome and other conditions is much higher in older women.

I was a teenage mum, a 20s mum and an early 30s mum, my god I'm tired now, however I coped with a toddler and baby must have been through sheer youthful energy!, it's not perfect but no situation is, my eldest is a lovely child in secondary school, it's nice to confident and comfortable about my parenting style now.

married, all children have the same dad, damn site better than my childhood.

@Blossomtoes

Your coming at it with a weird angle that it is undeniably better to have children younger

Biologically it is and that’s undeniable. Fertility declines with age the incidence of Down’s Syndrome and other conditions is much higher in older women.

Ah yes that's an interesting argument. Biologically it would have been also better if I had children with an ex of mine, as DH has asthma and allergies, but the ex in question was super-healthy.

He also would have ran off with another woman about a month into parenthood. So I would also consider other factors besides biology.

So I would also consider other factors besides biology

We all would. That goes without saying. 🤷‍♀️

[quote ithinkilikeit]@Realyorkshiretea I still don’t see the merit to this cultural shift happening. We know live in a world where there is feee choice. Why does the cultural norm need to shift. Women who want children at 30 should have children then. Some people want to be peri menopausal. when they have kids. It’s there choice. Your coming at it with a weird angle that it is undeniably better to have children younger. It might be biologically easier but financially harder. For some people that’s the case and they can choose to do so. For some it is not.

The IVF thing is not really here or there. There are some who will struggle to conceive in late 30’s and of course this is higher than those who struggle in 20’s but it is again there choice to have kids later. I don’t think there needs to be a societal shift at all.[/quote]
I don’t know how many more times I can explain this to you, so this will be my last.

The norm should shift because it it not helping women. The norm tells men they don’t need to commit unless a woman is 38, because ‘that’s what everyone else is doing’. The norm is reaching the trail end of a woman’s fertility, and she may therefore miss out on a second/third baby if her fertility isn’t up to much. It is more likely to result in IVF which is not only expensive for the NHS, but pumps women full of hormones and in itself has risks.

If a woman wants to have babies in her 40s, that’s her choice. But society is making it more difficult for those who want them earlier, by drumming it into them that 30 is too young, that they should have a tip top career first, that they’ll miss out on travel that they can do later, that it can all wait til the last minute biologically because they see pregnant 50 year old celebrities who have probably used a donor.

It isn’t about taking away the choice, it’s about adding to it - look at the replies here, only a few say they didn’t want a baby until their 40s, most are saying it’s due to a lack of money or crap men who lack in family values.

And if you still think this is about regressing to the 50s and making women wear pinnies and knit all day, look at @Skysblue post.

@Skysblue

Ps while in my professional job I had a 25 yr old trainee who had just started work, having had two children aged 19 and 20. She’s a senior partner now. Now that’s how to do it…

Why is that 'how to do it'?

Because the woman who had her kids young now has a stellar career?

Yanbu

A regret I have is we didn’t have ours sooner. I was 32, 33 and 36 when ours were born, but I was with DH from 26. We so regret waiting now that we are on ourv50’s. With hindsight we’d have had them in our 20’s.

If a woman wants to have babies in her 40s, that’s her choice. But society is making it more difficult for those who want them earlier, by drumming it into them that 30 is too young, that they should have a tip top career first, that they’ll miss out on travel that they can do later, that it can all wait til the last minute biologically because they see pregnant 50 year old celebrities who have probably used a donor.

I couldn’t agree more. Having babies in your 20s shouldn’t be looked down on and stigmatised as it seems to be in more middle class circles these days. It’s a completely valid choice which can work out very well for many. Kids don’t need parents with high flying careers and lots of cash. They need energetic available parents. There’s so much pressure now for circumstances to be perfect financially that the thing that ends up being compromised is health and fertility, which does inevitably decline as we get older.

Obviously having kids older is fine if that’s what works for you and sometimes that’s just how life is. But young parents get so much flack, people are told they’re throwing away their lives and they’ll have achieve a decent career, which is simply not true. If you have kids in your 20s, then by your late 30s you can be more career focussed again, and you still have another 30 years of working ahead of you!! So it really is a viable option. We need to stop looking down on people who make this choice and seeing it as the lesser option.

• bloody typos! Never achieve a decent career!

@Blossomtoes

Because the woman who had her kids young now has a stellar career?

And that's the same for everyone then?

That's not 'the way to do it'. There's no 'right' way.