To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

But they’re not the sort of situations I’m talking about, I’ve made it quite clear I’m talking about women who would like children earlier but have to wait because they can’t make it work for them in today’s society.

But is that so different from past society? I'm sure plenty of women had dc despite not wanting them or not so many dc. I'm sure plenty of women married men they didn't particularly like just to have dc & security so I don't personally believe today's set up is worse.

Just to add my experience.

I'm currently pregnant (26 weeks) with a much wanted baby done via IVF and a sperm donor aged 39. I do regret not having explored the solo motherhood option when in my late 20s/early 30s, I really did make a mess of things while being in relationships (including being married and divorced). I also don't have a 'career' but rather a job - the pay is good but it certainly wasn't the job/or climbing some career ladder that resulted in my current situation. I'm not in an extremely comfortable position financially now as opposed to when I was in my late 20s so don't even have that excuse. I'm degree educated but just never managed to get/sort out a professional career path. I also wasted years on unsuitable men and relationships always hoping the next one will be better only to realise at the 11th hour that it [the dating] needed to stop and I had to do something now.

I'll be shy of 40 when I give birth. My sister did the same, also had her son via IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and a sperm donor when 39!

I think about had I had this child earlier I could have spent more time with it, as in just having more time/youthfulness etc.but instead I chose to prioritise poor relationships. I think I was very passive and probably depressed, as going out, drinking and 'traveling' already became very dull and unfulfilling by the end of my late 20s. My mother is 73 so isn't available to be hands on like she might have been had I had the child younger. So, yes I do regret not having tried to do this when younger.

Everyone I know who had kids in their 20s has no career. They literally all work in low paid, insecure positions and industries. Honestly I think having kids so young is pretty daft and short sighted.
Not my experience my friend a solicitor had her DS at 22. Friend 2 a social worker had a baby at 22. Friend 3 sales manager had a baby at 21. 2 of 3 single parents hired au-pairs while studying and career climbing.

Obviously some people have DC young and work in a badly paid job, but there are people with degrees who can't find or don't have the confidence for a high flying career.

Some people are doing okay on an average wage and happy with their existence.

YANBU - I get it. I had my son at 39. He's 7 now, only has two grandparents left and I'm perimenopausal and definitely not as spritely as I was. I worry a lot about dying before he's grown and independent. I wish I'd had him at 30.

However, on the other hand, it's very easy in hindsight to feel like you made a bad call, but you have nothing to compare it to. You could have become a mother at 20 and ended up on minimum wage struggling to keep a roof over your head. Nobody knows what the future will bring so cut yourself some slack and try and just work on making the present as best as you can be.

@EmeraldShamrock & @Blossomtoes how old are you if you don't mind me asking?

I don't know anyone who had dc young at all except from older relatives & a few older colleagues.

@gibletjane

@EmeraldShamrock & @Blossomtoes how old are you if you don't mind me asking?
I'm 40.
I don't know anyone who had dc young at all except from older relatives & a few older colleagues.
It is probably the circles you mix in. I'm from a WC area Not like shameless Most people work very hard.
For the last 20 years WC people have been able to access affordable higher education.
It skips a generation of family having your first in your 40's if said DC holds off till 40.

I don’t mind you asking at all @EmeraldShamrock. I’m 68.

Sorry, I messed that up, didn’t I - I replied to the wrong person! Must be my age!

@gibletjane

But they’re not the sort of situations I’m talking about, I’ve made it quite clear I’m talking about women who would like children earlier but have to wait because they can’t make it work for them in today’s society.

But is that so different from past society? I'm sure plenty of women had dc despite not wanting them or not so many dc. I'm sure plenty of women married men they didn't particularly like just to have dc & security so I don't personally believe today's set up is worse.

Yes. It is different. We can’t go back to the 1950s unless it becomes financially viable for one wage to support a family, which is as likely as hell freezing over at the moment.

@Blossomtoes 🤣☺

@earthyfire

I had mine at 28.5 and 31 and I think that's young. I couldn't have even thought about having children any younger I was too busy enjoying myself.

This.

Yes. It is different. We can’t go back to the 1950s unless it becomes financially viable for one wage to support a family, which is as likely as hell freezing over at the moment.

But I don't want to go back to that. I like my job & working. I'm glad I have the choice.

I had my kids at 32 and 37, and In some ways wished I had them earlier. I'm 40 and pretty tired and stressed all the time now, and unfortunately career hasn't been that great either, so I'm not much better off for doing it later. I did have a lot of fun in my 20's with a busy social life and studying, so I'm glad I had those experiences, but I will be in my late 50's by the time my youngest is a young adult and it seems like such a long time.

My OH has had a child in 20's, 30's and 40's so it could be worse!

*This. Everyone I know who had kids in their 20s has no career. They literally all work in low paid, insecure positions and industries. Honestly I think having kids so young is pretty daft and short sighted.
*
You'd love to believe we're all falling apart and poor and miserable. There's no reason not to have kids young and be successful especially with only one child. Ridiculous and outdated nonsense.

I know a mix of young parents including myself. Some are successful, some aren't like any other group. The bashing and upmost certainty that we're all failing comes across as bitterness

I was 30 and 35 when I had my dc
Sadly, since I turned 40 my health has deteriorated
I can't see me making old bones:(
There are no guarantees in life but statistically you will get more time with your kids the earlier you have them

I really feel like a rare breed pig on mn when I read 'people in their 20s don't have a career', because its not my experience.

I had one at 20, one at 28. And my career started in between. Really took off in the last 4 years as the kids have got older and more independent.

Whole some women, my age, are not taking breaks to have kids, my career is flying.

My best friend had her first at 17 and one 2 years later. And is late twenties, at uni to become a midwife.

Quite a few women at work had their kids early and have good careers in the late 30s/ early 40s.

@Realyorkshiretea well I don’t want to go back to that 50’s either. I think many women and no choice about when they married for had children then. I’m don’t think being able to survive on own income is a good enough trade for women’s right to choice.

Quite a few women at work had their kids early and have good careers in the late 30s/ early 40s.
Exactly there is more than one path to a career and many do better starting as a mature student around 23.
They're home too studying most evenings you can't bring the baby out for drinks at a bar.

[quote ithinkilikeit]@Realyorkshiretea well I don’t want to go back to that 50’s either. I think many women and no choice about when they married for had children then. I’m don’t think being able to survive on own income is a good enough trade for women’s right to choice.[/quote]
We wouldn’t go back to the 1950s. How can we? A household can’t live on one wage any more, so we wouldn’t see a huge culture of women staying tied to the kitchen sink. All that would happen is it would be slightly more culturally normal for people in middle class circles to settle down at say 30 rather than 37 or 38. Nothing would really change but women wouldn’t feel unreasonable for expecting a man to commit before they’re staring at their 40th birthday. So there would be less health risks, it would be more likely they could have the family size of their choice without gruelling IVF etc, and they wouldn’t have small children while perimenopausal.

All that would happen is it would be slightly more culturally normal for people in middle class circles to settle down at say 30 rather than 37 or 38. Nothing would really change but women wouldn’t feel unreasonable for expecting a man to commit before they’re staring at their 40th birthday.

I don't think it's true that the majority of women mc or not are settling down at 37/38. The av age for having a dc is still around 30 i believe

@gibletjane yes because this takes an average from teenagers through to 40 somethings. Through personal experience I would say late 30s is quite normal in certain circles.

I had my children at 30 and 34 and I really wish I had done it younger.

However, I didn’t meet my husband until I was 27 so naturally my children came later.

We got married when I was 30 and we started TTC’ing straight away because I didn’t really want to be much older than that when it came to having my first.

When it came to trying for our second my husband said if it hadn’t happened by the time we were 35 then we would stop because he didn’t want to be a new parent at any age after that. To be fair, 35 would probably have been my cut off to.

I’m now 38 with a 7 and 4 years old and I feel exhausted most days. The thought of another 15 years before the youngest hits ‘adulthood’ is a horrible thought.

I really wish, if circumstances had allowed, that I had started trying for children at least 5 years before I actually had.

My friend had twins in her 20's. At 47 she had her second set (planned). She'll have spent most of her life raising DC.

I had DC1 at 30 and DC2 at 33. They're older teens now and even with hindsight I would choose the same ages to have them again. I met DH ten years before DC1 was born so had plenty of time for exotic holidays beforehand, and hopefully retiring at 55 when DC2 is 21 so fit enough to start all those up again.

@Realyorkshiretea I understand how averages work however teenage pregnancies have been declining for years.

"In 2018, conception rates for under 18-year-olds in England and Wales declined by 6.1% to 16.8 conceptions per 1,000 women"

And likewise whilst more women are having dc over 40 it's still not a huge amount

"In 2018, there were 16.3 conceptions per 1,000 women aged over 40 years."

I get it OP and fwiw I fully agree.

When I married my DH I was 26, he was 32 and wanted kids ASAP. My DM chipped in telling me to get a wiggle on if I wanted her to be fit enough to help out a lot. She was late 50’s.
I listened, had my first at 27 and second at 28. Now I have 2 under 2, it’s exhausting for all of us, no one would have wanted to do it older!