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Original poster

To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

360 replies

40220s · 11/09/2021 18:41

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

OP posts:
Realyorkshiretea · 12/09/2021 04:03

@repog

It isn’t ‘feministic’ to have children as late as possible, in fact the idea as a whole benefits men more than women

Why is it feminist to have them young?

It isn’t!
MissTrip82 · 12/09/2021 04:48

I don’t feel that way, no.

But I was studying medicine, working at night to support myself and caring for a terminally ill relative. I’d have been very stupid indeed to add a baby to that.

I really do tire of the ludicrous binary that either you have the first of six babies at 12, or you’re face down in a skip for most of your twenties.

Many of us had full lives and significant responsibilities at 20, whether parents or not.

gibletjane · 12/09/2021 05:26

It isn’t ‘feministic’ to have children as late as possible, in fact the idea as a whole benefits men more than women

I think the reason some women have dc later is because a) need to find a partner b) finances & c) career. And many women now chose not to have dc. I think it's good women have more choice.

TheQueenOfDreams · 12/09/2021 06:51

In my experience most women, not all, had dc late due to not finding a man who wanted to commit and have dc when younger. Ideally, I’d have had kids between 28 and 33.
I’d got my degree, had fun with friends, established a career but didn’t have the commitment for kids.

Realyorkshiretea · 12/09/2021 06:55

@gibletjane

It isn’t ‘feministic’ to have children as late as possible, in fact the idea as a whole benefits men more than women

I think the reason some women have dc later is because a) need to find a partner b) finances & c) career. And many women now chose not to have dc. I think it's good women have more choice.

But that isn’t choosing to have children later, that’s not having a choice because the circumstances aren’t working for them?
Franticbutterfly · 12/09/2021 07:35

I had my first 3 months shy of my 27th birthday and it was the best time ever to start a family. I'd hate to be in the starting blocks at the age I am now. By the time I'm 50 I hope to be going on holidays galore with DH. On the downside I felt compelled to end my career once DD1 arrived and have worked jobs that I'm way overqualified for for 13 years, although I'm hopefully taking up a masters to get into a new career next year. It also took us a long time to buy a house. I wouldn't swap it though and am glad I'm one of the youngest mums in DD1's friendship group (she seems to think this is cool).

LuckyAmy1986 · 12/09/2021 07:54

we don’t sweat the small stuff that younger parents do

@pinkhousesarebest what small stuff, just out of curiosity?

LuckyAmy1986 · 12/09/2021 08:05

1 from cancer so I lost a parent at 10 years old. Having younger parents didn’t stop me losing a parent at a young age

This argument is so stupid!!! Yes you can lose a parent at any age but it is more likely if they are older. It’s just a fact fgs

LuckyAmy1986 · 12/09/2021 08:12

@EmeraldShamrock

I think it is a worry for most DM's of any age
I am not afraid of dying but I'm terrified of dying when my DC are young
You're not alone feeling like this it is very common

I would think the feeling is much more strong in someone who lost a parent at an early age. And I don’t mean a bit worried. Like a real, debilitating fear that gets worse especially as you reach the age your parent was when they died.

losing a parent is hard at any age

Please never say this to someone who lost a parent young. And please tell me you know it’s just be harder to lose your mum as a child/ teen that later in life? Please?

FireworkParrot · 12/09/2021 08:23

I had my DDs when I was 29 and 31 and feel that was about the right age (for me) old enough to have experienced Uni, living independently and having fun in my 20s but young enough that I'll be around 50 when they're the age to leave home and plenty of time to save for retirement. Obviously life doesn't always work out how you plan it but I was lucky that I met DH in my mid 20s and so I didn't want to be having any DC past the age of 35.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/09/2021 08:28

Please never say this to someone who lost a parent young.
What? Losing a parent is hard at any age, it is.
And please tell me you know it’s just be harder to lose your mum as a child/ teen that later in life? Please?
Obviously it is harder losing your parent before you are an adult that is a tragedy.
I don't know why you highlighted that comment.
I found it difficult losing DM at 38.
I didn't say it was the worst thing I said it was hard.

Tumbleweed101 · 12/09/2021 08:31

I had my first at 22yo. Both sets of grandparents were able to spend a lot of quality time with my eldest two. My youngest I had at 33yo and there has been a vast difference in regards to grandparents. One died when the youngest was two. Another has poor health now and can't do any of the things they could do with my eldest at the same age. I do think there are huge benefits in having children young except for getting a career started and getting a chance to build up savings. You have the expensive years when you have less financial resources - unless you have other wealth prior.

I'm 45 now. If I'd only had my first two children I'd be free to do wherever I wanted now. I couldn't imagine having young children at this age as I'm definitely more tired and world weary but that might be because I've already done it all four times.

gibletjane · 12/09/2021 08:54

But that isn’t choosing to have children later, that’s not having a choice because the circumstances aren’t working for them?

Some women do choose not have to dc though despite circumstances working for them. One of my sisters met her partner young, bought an home young but has no interest in having dc.
I meet DH at 20, got married at 26, bought home at 27 but didn't want dc till my 30s. My choice.
Personally I think today's circumstances where women can be more choosy & independent is far better than the circumstances of the past.

LuckyAmy1986 · 12/09/2021 09:08

@EmeraldShamrock because it’s like you are minimising it, saying well
It would be hard at any age. The OP is going to struggle more with these thoughts because of what she went through.

DoubleEx · 12/09/2021 09:11

I didn’t meet DH until I was 30 and had DC1 when I was 33.

If I’d have had DC in my twenties I would have been stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship with a controlling twat.

I’m thankful most days that I didn’t have children in that situation and I waited until I was in a better one.

Jerseygirl12 · 12/09/2021 09:23

Having DC younger than the average worked out for me. I was a young mum, then went to university and had 2 more DC. They were all at school by the time I was 33. Since my late 40’s I’ve gone on multiple holidays a year with my DH as well as one big family holiday a year with my adult DC which I love to do. I have lots of time for my friends and do fun stuff as I have plenty disposable income and financial security.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/09/2021 09:56

My post Fact is you might have more money waiting until later but less time to spend with them.
Losing your parents is hard at any age.
Plus having a baby young doesn't mean you can't have a career later.

^^EmeraldShamrock because it’s like you are minimising it, saying well
It would be hard at any age. The OP is going to struggle more with these thoughts because of what she went through.^^
@LuckyAmy1986
You mistook my comment.
I was responding to a different pp not OP. Posters were bashing young mothers.

I am not minimizing OP's situation and without been cruel OP was aware of this having baby at 40.
If you have a baby early the chances of spending more time with them is higher.

OP have some counselling, enjoy your baby.
There are no time machines or guarantees worrying about it won't achieve anything.

tellittomyhead · 12/09/2021 10:07

I had my daughter at 21, I'm now 29 with an 8 year old and I love it. Things are much easier at her age and it's like having a little pal with me at all times. Knowing that by the time I'm 39 she'll be an adult is a nice thought for me as it means I can then spend the rest of my time taking care of me.

IceLace100 · 12/09/2021 10:33

Aren't we privileged to be able to choose?

LBirch02 · 12/09/2021 10:39

YANBU. Even though there can be great advantages to being an older parent - having kids at 40 /50 or whenever and it can be a great experience in itself for both pthere are definite advantages also to be a young parent - namely the k Ed you’ve listed

LBirch02 · 12/09/2021 10:40

Sorry that should read - namely the ones you’ve mentioned

Realyorkshiretea · 12/09/2021 11:07

@gibletjane

But that isn’t choosing to have children later, that’s not having a choice because the circumstances aren’t working for them?

Some women do choose not have to dc though despite circumstances working for them. One of my sisters met her partner young, bought an home young but has no interest in having dc.
I meet DH at 20, got married at 26, bought home at 27 but didn't want dc till my 30s. My choice.
Personally I think today's circumstances where women can be more choosy & independent is far better than the circumstances of the past.

But they’re not the sort of situations I’m talking about, I’ve made it quite clear I’m talking about women who would like children earlier but have to wait because they can’t make it work for them in today’s society.
MintyGreenDream · 12/09/2021 12:03

I'm 41 and have a 7 Yr old ds.Im loving this time now but I'm really looking forward my 50s when everyone can come and go as they please as we'll all be adults.

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 12:19

This. Everyone I know who had kids in their 20s has no career. They literally all work in low paid, insecure positions and industries. Honestly I think having kids so young is pretty daft and short sighted.

I was the highest earner in my friendship group. I was also the only one who became a parent at 21. I started my degree course when I was 30. I was a higher rate tax payer by the time I was 40. I was on six figures by the time I retired. Not needing childcare was a major factor in that. It was far from daft and shortsighted for me.

Rozziie · 12/09/2021 12:27

@TomatoSquash

Plenty of 60 year olds would be enormously insulted by that Well put it this way: You have to sacrifice yourself for 20 years to raise kids. By the time they leave home and I’m free I’ll be 60 and it’ll be too late to leave DH and find someone to fall in love with. But if I’d had them at 20 I could leave DH at 40 and still be young enough to find someone else.
Bit of a weird view...why is 40 young enough and not 60?