Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to end it over this?

700 replies

ilovehalloumi · 11/09/2021 06:36

Been seeing a lovely bloke for 3/4 months, all going well. Treats me great, loads in common, fantastic sex.

Took me out for dinner tonight, ended up in a few cocktail bars, both got fairly drunk.

Got back to mine, went to bed, I woke up a couple of hours later to him PISSING IN THE CORNER OF MY ROOM!!

He's stayed over a few times, definitely knows where the bathroom is.

I'm properly grossed out, obviously when he wakes he will be cleaning it up. I've hardly slept because I feel properly furious.

WIBU to tell him to leave and not come back? I've texted my bestie but since it's 6.30am I imagine she won't reply for a while.....so I'm asking you Mumsnet

OP posts:
CatsArePeople · 11/09/2021 09:26

we didn't have threads of drunken men pissing around the house for a while Grin

sidewayssunshine · 11/09/2021 09:26

I'm can't believe how many people think this is a dumpable offence. This has actually happened to me in the early days of my relationship, now 10 years in and happy.

Similar situation, both been drinking, he was at my place so unfamiliar environment and I woke up to him peeing at the side of the bed. Honestly I was embarrassed, didn't wake him up and didn't tell him about it because I knew he would be embarrassed. I cleaned it up myself, not that I would expect anyone to if this happened to them and if it happened now I would wake him and tell him to clean it but like I said it was early days.

I knew he was either sleep walking or half asleep not knowing what he was doing. If someone was mad at me for something I didn't intentionally or knowingly do I would be pissed off as well as embarrassed. Not surprised he didn't apologise purely based on your reaction. I'm sure if you calmly explained what happened with no anger his response would have been different.

If you someone had a stomach problem and had an accident would you be at them for that too? I think that says more about the mindset of the person who is angry.

If I had dumped him for that I'd have missed out on the most important relationship of my life. It never happened again and I did tell him about it a few months down the line and we laugh about it, it's no big deal.

I know this happens to a lot of people, some experience it regularly. I think he at least deserves an adult conversation about it. Maybe it's a common occurrence may be not but I don't think ending it this way is sensible.

I also know a woman who wets the bed whenever she drinks so it's not just men. Imagine how you would feel if it was you that did it.

TillyTopper · 11/09/2021 09:27

I find that completely shocking OP! YADNBU to get rid - absolutely gross, rude and well.. just WTF!

dryasaboner · 11/09/2021 09:28

Mine did it in the spare room in the top drawer. The effort it took to open the drawer and piss in it very odd but he was sleep walking after being drunk

Damnloginpopup · 11/09/2021 09:28

A friend's brother walked into his parents room, lifted the lid of the washing basket, pissed in it and walked out while they watched, aghast, while reading their books in bed. He was in his early twenties I think and totally asleep. I also saw a resident at work do it in the dining room, fast asleep, having walked through three doors to get there then went to another room and go to sleep. I couldn't wake him. And it was once in the two years he was with us. It's sleepwalking.

pictish · 11/09/2021 09:28

Yes Beastly - overall I agree with you. Don’t ignore a red flag. I have experience with this and it’s this type of insidious stuff that sets the tone without you even realising it.

grannybee55 · 11/09/2021 09:29

Agree with @Hellotoallmyfans

This was a one off thing that he did in his sleep while he was drunk! Clearly a mistake, clearly an accident. Yes not very pleasant but he cleaned it up.

His reaction was poor, I would have expected a bit more embarrassment and sincere apology but he's probably so mortified he took the defensive route instead.

If it was a solid relationship and I really liked him I wouldn't break up with someone over this unless it became a regular occurrence.

I had a friend at uni who regularly used to wet the bed after drinking. Also had an ex who pissed in the corner of the hotel room while drunkenly sleepwalking. It's gross but it's not that uncommon by the sounds of it!

I hope you get your apology.

Menofsteel · 11/09/2021 09:30

Peeing aside, I’d be wary of (as has been said) a man who reacts to embarrassment with anger.

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 09:32

My female friend used to sleepwalk piss. Whenever we went on holiday, we couldn't store the suitcases in a reachable place. Suitcases were here favourite spot. Then wardrobes. This absolutely wasn't deliberate. It was when she mixed her drinks, with cocktails are.
I'd wait and see if he gets back in touch with an apology. As said, his lack of reaction could have been embarrassment/tiredness and a hangover. If you mix with people who are very honest, it isn't that unusual.

Granllanog · 11/09/2021 09:32

I know of a few men who have done this when drunk and disorientated. As a regular thing it would be a deal breaker for me but dh peed in the wardrobe once when drunk and and we were able to move on. If he had done it awake and sober that would have been different!!!!!
No relationship is perfect..... Calm down, think it through and don't act in anger.

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 09:33

The op's boyfriend of short duration is probably a mature man. I have never heard of a mature person getting so drunk that they piss anywhere (an elderly person might I suppose).

I've not encountered this personally but friends have mine have told me of their sons getting up and going in the wardrobe when drunk. 19 year olds you can forgive, not a grown man out on a date.

CassandraTrotter · 11/09/2021 09:34

@Menofsteel

Peeing aside, I’d be wary of (as has been said) a man who reacts to embarrassment with anger.
Quite.
DifferentHair · 11/09/2021 09:35

I think most people are on their best behaviour 3/4 months into a promising relationship....

If this is his best, I think you need to cut your losses.

sidewayssunshine · 11/09/2021 09:36

@TillyTopper

I find that completely shocking OP! YADNBU to get rid - absolutely gross, rude and well.. just WTF!
On top of this, I'm a little confused, in an early message you said in the night when you said WTF he apologised. Now you're upset that he didnt apologise the next day. In his mind he's probably thinking, It was an accident, I didnt do it intentionally, I apologised, i cleaned it up, im embarrased and shes still mad. I think I would be annoyed at you too.
category12 · 11/09/2021 09:36

I dunno that the "oh he's defensive" is actually something women should accept.

Why is it OK for someone not to apologise and get arsey when he's done something wrong, even unintentionally, and get let off because "he's defensive"?

It doesn't bode well for the future. Don't bother fighting your corner or complaining about poor treatment because he'll get "defensive". Really unhealthy to have to tiptoe round some bloke.

What I'd like in a long term partner would be "shit, I really goofed here, I'll put it right ASAP"

Not "oh you're angry", no apology, petulant attitude.

pictish · 11/09/2021 09:37

Personally at this stage I’d wait for him to contact me. If his interest in you is sufficient he will…and hopefully with an apology you can both move on from.
If he leaves the ball in your court, don’t pick it up.

pictish · 11/09/2021 09:38

@Menofsteel

Peeing aside, I’d be wary of (as has been said) a man who reacts to embarrassment with anger.
Mm hmm.
lollipoprainbow · 11/09/2021 09:40

If I was lucky enough to have a lovely bloke who treated my well and the sex was fantastic I'd overlook this just this once. Sounds like he was drunk or sleepwalking.

CounsellorTroi · 11/09/2021 09:40

I’m surprised at how common sleep-pissing seems to be. My DH of 30 years has never done it.

Still1nLove · 11/09/2021 09:40

My dh has done this a couple of times, not in at least 15 years. It only happened after a heavy night out. We had a laugh with a group of friends who all had these stories. I hope you both can get past this, if everything else is good in your relationship

romdowa · 11/09/2021 09:40

Yanbu and you definitely didn't over react. I'd be sick if someone pissed in my room🤢🤢 a girl I worked with dated a guy for two years who used to piss in his sleep after drink, she would wake up soaked in his piss 😷 if you know you do that when you drink then id honestly never drink again and I'd die of shame.... its beyond grim.

notsorighteousthesedays · 11/09/2021 09:41

My ex used to pee the bed, I used to forgive him, he shit the bed a few times when drunk too, once at my brother's, I was 'in love' and still forgave him.
He got drunk the night of our daughter's funeral and pissed all over me in bed. I put it down to grief. He hit me - but he was wound up, stressed and tired... And so on..... He complained he was the main breadwinner (he was at that time) and it was too much so I went back full-time too and he left on my first day. 30+ years together - I have no self-esteem and 3 years on my daughters' still think I'm pathetic.
I feel my life has been a complete waste and I have failed my children. So no - don't forgive or forget - it's too high a price to pay.Sad

thegreywoman · 11/09/2021 09:41

@ilovehalloumi

He's never sleepwalked before. I did shout and he went to the bathroom. I followed him and said 'what the fuck' and he said he thought he was in the bathroom. He knows he did it, he apologised.

I haven't gained anything from seething, I just felt bad waking him up to clean it

OP You already said way back that he apologised Have you forgotten? Maybe he remembered he'd apologised. You didn't.
Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 09:42

notsorighteous
Flowers

Twitchynose · 11/09/2021 09:44

Random odd unpleasant things happen occasionally, it’s how we respond to them that is important. Maybe he was shocked/upset at you shouting at him, but honestly, I’d expect him to be apologetic and at least offer to clean up.
For me his reaction is a red flag, what else would he react to like this? If he makes other mistakes will he acknowledge them or dismiss your reaction? If you make a mistake will he be compassionate or judgemental?