WIBU to end it over this?

[ilovehalloumi]

Been seeing a lovely bloke for 3/4 months, all going well. Treats me great, loads in common, fantastic sex.

Took me out for dinner tonight, ended up in a few cocktail bars, both got fairly drunk.

Got back to mine, went to bed, I woke up a couple of hours later to him PISSING IN THE CORNER OF MY ROOM!!

He's stayed over a few times, definitely knows where the bathroom is.

I'm properly grossed out, obviously when he wakes he will be cleaning it up. I've hardly slept because I feel properly furious.

WIBU to tell him to leave and not come back? I've texted my bestie but since it's 6.30am I imagine she won't reply for a while.....so I'm asking you Mumsnet

@Blinky21

Quite common, I wouldn't end it if he's a good bloke as he hasn't done it on purpose but maybe suggest he moderates his drinking when at yours. Would you expect to be dumped if you wet the bed?

And didn’t apologise? Yes I would.

@cheeseisnice

I don't understand why you're angry with someone who did something when they were sleepwalking. My OH did this a couple of months ago. We'd both been out drinking the night before, quite heavily, although he seemed in a much better state than me once we got home. I woke in the night to see him naked and fumbling around in the corner of my bedroom. Like he was looking for a door handle or something. Next thing I know there was a tinkling sound and he was pissing over the top of my dressing table. He made a right mess and ruined some of my things, but I didn't blame him. He was asleep for God's sake. He mumbled that he was sorry, cleaned it up and was clearly mortified. He later replaced some of the things he'd ruined too, but he didn't really give me a proper apology because there was nothing to apologise for! It was an accident. I wonder how most of the people on mn sustain relationships when things so small and insignificant are apparent deal breakers.

Guarantee if the OP had done this at his place he’d have dumped her. I cannot believe anyone would ever accept this - it’s not an accident, it’s an adult drinking way beyond their limits and yes, thats should be a deal breaker.

What would Reddit say to this?

I got drunk and pissed in the wrong place while asleep, I apologised but she was furious the next morning and told the internet what I did while I was still asleep.

Should I ring her to apologise again? Or is her insistence on being furious over something I did in my sleep and slagging me off online a red flag?

I very much doubt you're the only one thinking about ending it and I'm guessing he doesn't know about this thread yet.

You both could have dealt with it better.

@HeartsAndClubs

If you someone had a stomach problem and had an accident would you be at them for that too? I think that says more about the mindset of the person who is angry. so you’re comparing someone who has a medical problem with someone who knowingly goes out and gets pissed knowing that they can’t control themselves when they do?

Honestly, the amount of women on this thread who are conditioned into thinking that they are in the wrong for taking issue with this behaviour is shocking. No wonder so many women are in abusive relationships when this is the kind of behaviour they not only tolerate, but berate other women for not tolerating.

The people blaming the OP should be ashamed of themselves.

If you have such low standards then crack on, but don’t blame others for setting the bar higher.

OP has repeatedly said they weren't that drunk. I dont think this is he was so blackout drunk he pissed he cant control himself situation. Alcohol makes you sleep deeper, also is a diuretic making you need the toilet in the night when maybe normally he sleeps through. This could have easily happened with no alcohol involved. Would that make you look at it differently? He was deeply asleep, not in his own home, asleep and disoriented he didn't know what he was doing. I don't think he deserves the amount a flack he is getting.

'Knowingly gets pissed knowing he cant control himself' is a stretch, they haven't even spoken about it, you don't know that is true.

Low standards is not the same as having some grace for someone in an embarrassing situation.

he did apologise

@Tiredmum12389

I'm amazed at your reaction ... why would you assume he was awake? I would immediately assume he was asleep and feel sorry for him knowing he will be mortified when he realises. Poor guy. The fact your so angry at someone for something they did while asleep

You’d feel sorry for a man who pisses all over your property and doesn’t say sorry?! Why???

DH has done it before when drunk then sleeping very deeply so I assume it's a drunk sleep walking thing. I would be very angry then make him take you for a nice restaurant for brunch to apologise (and clear up!!)

@ FrankOrTheBeans except there’s a post upthread from an OP whose DH did exactly that. Pissed in the corner, then on the bed, then all over her, then went on to hitting her. So no, it is absolutely not taking things out of proportion.

The response to the OP says very much “you’re wrong for being annoyed at me, I don’t owe you an apology,” and the responses on the thread are echoing that. Victim blaming at its finest.

As for the people wondering how people who don’t agree with this ever maintain a relationship, frankly I’d rather be single ta very much, but contrary to some on here my DP (and presumably many others here) isn’t someone who pisses all over the place and neither was my eXH. And when I asked DP this morning how common this was his response was “err these men aren’t animals, wtf puts up with that?”

@HeartsAndClubs

Let’s put this in perspective then.

The OP has been with this man for 16 weeks. so since june this year. and already he’s getting so drunk that he’s pissing on the floor, and then getting angry with the OP for making him clear it up. And no, an apology in the middle of the night is irrelevant here. If he’s too pissed to even realise he’s pissing on th the floor rather than in the bathroom, esp as he just went back to bed after, then he’s too pissed to apologise and mean it.

And how far do we tolerate this behaviour? Bear in mind there’s always a first time.

So, next time he pisses in the wardrobe. Should the OP forgive him for that? Maybe the time after that he’ll walk into the OP’s DD’s room and piss all over her toys. Should the OP forgive that because he’d been drinking?

What else should we forgive on the basis that it’s common and there’s alcohol involved?

It’s quite common for drunks to get into fights and brawl in the pub/street. Is that ok because it’s drink talking?

It’s quite common for drunks to go home and beat up their wives and children. Should we excuse that because they never do it when they’re sober?

And presumably he was annoyed because all the women he’s been with before have just laughed it off but the OP is the only one with enough standards to find it so repulsive that she wants no more to do with it.

OP don’t dare apologise to him.

Lets be realistic for a moment.

This has happened one time.
OP states he has treated her well the previous 16 weeks.
Sleepwalking is not in the same ballpark as drunk getting into fights.

He had to be told to clean something up and didn't give a good enough apology. If we dumped every man for this there wouldn't be many long lasting relationships.

The first time and second occasion deserve different reactions. he hasn't harmed anyone, he doesn't have a pattern of poor drunken behaviour, OP hasn't mentioned any issues with drink prior to this, in fact she repeatedly said they weren't that drunk. If alcohol wasn't involved and he soberly pissed on the carpet in a deep sleep would you still be saying dump him?

Unless you're a sleep walker, doesn't drunk sleep walking just amount to being extremely pissed?

Is that an "good enough" excuse?

Well I suppose it would be for some.

@Clymene My standards are not low thanks. He's awesome, he just happened to sleepwalk once. That's the point...he wasn't in control of himself. I can't imagine going through life being so uptight about something like this. People make mistakes, particularly when they're drunk and half asleep.
Dumping an otherwise good and loving partner over a bit of wee? You do you, I'll do me hun. 👍🏻

He had to be told to clean something up and didn't give a good enough apology. If we dumped every man for this there wouldn't be many long lasting relationships

Right, or maybe men would realise they need to start treating women with more respect?!

"He had to be told to clean something up and didn't give a good enough apology. If we dumped every man for this there wouldn't be many long lasting relationships."

I don't see that as a bad thing!

Why should a grown man have to be told to clean anything up, let alone his own piss?

And an apology for pissing anywhere other than a toilet-isn't that basic manners?

@Anycolourwilldo

So gross buuuuuttt some blokes do this when you're drunk and sleep walk. They don't know they're doing it. Chat with him in the morning.

In that case they should not be drinking so much or at all.

@Anycolourwilldo

So gross buuuuuttt some blokes do this when you're drunk and sleep walk. They don't know they're doing it. Chat with him in the morning.

A friend's husband used to pee in the wardrobe when he was drunk.

Apparently opening a door made him think he was in the bathroom.

Pig.

OP states he has treated her well the previous 16 weeks. this is what they always say before the first time. of course he’s treated her well, it’s a new relationship. Hardly indicative of things to come, whereas getting paralytic and pissing in the house followed by anger at being called on it is very much a sign of things to come.

He had to be told to clean something up and didn't give a good enough apology. If we dumped every man for this there wouldn't be many long lasting relationships isn’t it ironic the number of threads on here where OP’s say their partners do nothing around the house i.e. they never clean up after themselves.

Don’t pick up their washing, don’t do the washing up, don’t help at all around the house.

I don’t see people on these threads telling the OP’s they’re being unreasonable for being annoyed about that.

Yet someone pisses in the corner and the OP is unreasonable because the poor lamb can’t control his drinking to the extent he loses all control of what he’s doing?

Okayyyy.

I’m guessing that these women who have such low standards don’t handle their drink very well either and partake in some questionable behaviours when drunk. Why else would anyone put up with that?

My ex boyfriend did this once. We were 16.

He definitely made a genuine mistake and thought it was a toilet because he was so drunk. No doubt about that.

He was extremely embarrassed and apologetic in the morning, and cleaned it all up. I ditched him not long after this... I just couldn't look at him in the same way again. BUT at least he was apologetic. If he had the cheek to be so arsey, as OP's "friend" has been, I would have booted him out of the door and called him every name under the sun. That's totally unacceptable.

Distant member of our family peed in a drawer when staying at SIL's house 😂

@beastlyslumber

Honestly, the amount of women on this thread who are conditioned into thinking that they are in the wrong for taking issue with this behaviour is shocking. No wonder so many women are in abusive relationships when this is the kind of behaviour they not only tolerate, but berate other women for not tolerating.

The people blaming the OP should be ashamed of themselves. If you have such low standards then crack on, but don’t blame others for setting the bar higher.

Exactly this. Pissing on the floor is grim. Acting as though OP is unreasonable for being upset about it is a RED FLAG. Telling OP she should feel sorry for him, telling her she's unreasonable, explaining all the grim behaviour you've laughed off in your own relationship... It's all so utterly depressing.

I haven't seen anyone blaming OP. I just think the reaction he is getting for his 'behaviour' is way overboard. I don't think anger on either side will get the best response from anyone.

Not a nice situation for either side. Just adding some context from my own experience I wouldn't want her throw away a good relationship for something that he may have had no control over.

Something you have no control over is not 'grim behaviour' especially for a one off occurrence as it was in my situation.

I am just suggesting have a conversation with the man, this will help OP make some decision on how to proceed. I don't think this is a red flag, but it is something to be aware of. In the absence of any other 'grim behaviour' I think the man deserves a discussion at least. His response in a calm discussion will say more than his initial reaction this morning.

Comparing this to abusive behaviour belittles the women experiencing abuse, which this is not.

My husband used to do this occasionally when drunk (he is a sleep talker but sometimes sleep walks too) but he was always apologetic in the morning and spent hours washing all my clothes and cleaning my wardrobe when he peed in it.

I think the key issue here is the lack of apology or offers to clean it up shows what his true character is.

I can have whole, almost normal conversations with my 19 year old dd when she is still asleep but providing me with intelligible answers. She has no recollection later

@barbrahunter

I remember an ex of mine did this years ago. Funny though, I've never heard of a woman doing this....

Probably because when a sleepwalking woman squats down to sit on the loo (which isn't there) she'd fall flat on her arse and wake up?

His response in a calm discussion will say more than his initial reaction this morning.

His initial response was to cast OP as unreasonable. It says everything about his character. Why would his response hours later be a more accurate reflection of his character? How someone reacts in the moment is who they are.

Had his response been, "omg I can't believe I did that, I'm mortified and you have every right to be upset with me, do you have any carpet cleaner, I'm going to get that sorted right away, I'm so so sorry" - well, okay. You might be more minded to let it go.

Oh dear OP, that is so grim. Yes, I would definitely end it over that unless you want to see a grown man pissing in your house in future.