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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want someone to help me understand why someone could act like this

156 replies

DunnoWgy · 10/09/2021 23:45

So there is this person I was friends with, since childhood.

Background:
Bare in mind she came to me because I was new, didn’t know anyone in the new school but we knew each other because we lived in the same neighbourhood. Anyway, when I joined the same school as her, I was usually by myself because I didn’t know anyone, so she would usually invite me to be around her and her friends so I wouldn’t be in my own. Anyway I became integrated (kind of in their friendship group) and (I thought) we all became friends then carried on this way throughout school and our childhood really.

Anyway fast forward to sixth form, we are all 17/18 years old. She meets a guy and starts dating him, she tells everyone else, including some new girl that recently just joined the little group but not me. I’m the only one who wasn’t told anything, they all would hang out without me, not speak to me and I was essentially kicked out of their little group. I accepted it, stayed away from them, and didn’t speak to them either because they didn’t want to speak to me and I wasn’t going to beg. Eventually, they started being openly nasty to me, intimidating me, saying horrible things about me, laughing at me when I walked past them, shouting things at me to mock me when I was walking to the bus stop on the way home. This particular girl I am posting about said things like, “ask [my name] why she’s here” then making fun of me if I responded, also would prompt the other girls in the group to be mean to me by coming up to me to ask me what I was studying in university then laughing at me when I answered.

Anyway, so we were not friends I thought. This happened to me for no reason at all. Fast forward to today we are in our early twenties and she married this guy she met back then in sixth form, only reason I know is because I was told about this from one of the other girls in the group (who pretends none of this went on). I look at the pictures they uploaded and I’m the only one not invited to this wedding, she invited everyone else from school, meanwhile I was right there when she met this guy but made such an effort to keep me so far removed from this guy to the point that I didn’t even know she was dating someone. Anyway this person I’m describing doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with their behaviour because they keep talking to my siblings whenever they see them and I don’t know why, if you don’t like me then why are you speaking to members of my siblings? So I confronted her about everything she did to me but she claims her conscience is clear (Confused).

OP posts:
Original poster
DunnoWgy · 10/09/2021 23:48

Anyway my AIBU question is: am I wrong to think she probably never really liked me anyway, just felt sorry for me because I was on my own initially so it was never a true friendship.

Also AIBU? To wonder why someone would leave me out, telling everyone else about getting a boyfriend but I was the only person who wasn’t to know or be told any of this, even to the point of leaving me and only me out of her wedding.

I literally saw her and we attended the same church up until the day before her wedding and I had no idea it was even happening the next day! Isn’t this odd to anyone or is it just me?

OP posts:
Notashandyta · 10/09/2021 23:51

She hasn't treated you well but you really need to think about other things and people in your life if possible.

Try to move on and not let her get to you any more

PearlyRising · 10/09/2021 23:57

Yanbu to be hurt, but she sounds immature and she sounds like maybe the version of her that she presents in a group isn't completely authentic and perhaps it's a version of herself that you would know wasn't 100% authentic.

I know it's really hard but move on and forget about her. Even if it means losing mutual friends. I've been in this situation, well, not exactly, but walked away from a group because of one lunatic giving me the silent treatment. Can't be doing with that kryptonite in my life. most people like me even though I'm not a popular high status person so if somebody casts me in the role of their enemy, its all about their issues. Since I realised this, all of the petty passive aggressive repositioning and manipulation of dynamics around me that a couple of covert scapegoating narcs have done in the last couple of years has seemed a bit less painful

xx

Homemadearmy · 11/09/2021 00:00

I'm sorry you were bullied it sounds horrible and it's worse when you are bullied by people that were your friends. No one can tell you why she turned on you. Or if she liked you at all. It may be something to do with the boy. Maybe she thought he liked you. Or it could just be about her. It's hard when you you still see them and they don't seem to feel guilty. Try and not give it head space, you will never know why.

QueenBee52 · 11/09/2021 00:01

This pattern of behaviour will follow her through life..

This is her character .. She needs to be the boss.. the decider.. the rule maker.. the focus.. the core of all things ...

Sack that

You're better off out of it.. You have had a very lucky escape 🌸

MissyMooKins · 11/09/2021 00:05

Yanbu. My school bully said hi to me in the street then added me on fb so I sent her a message saying hi and asking why she would physically assault me and emotionally abuse me. Was her childhood bad and is she doing better now. She didn't answer but I see she has 4 kids from 3 dads and her eldest sons getting bullied. Bet that hurts her. Some people are just nasty. She will get her karma op.

Domino20 · 11/09/2021 00:10

Sounds like the guy she was dating/married had done something to make her think that he might fancy you.

Duckypoohs · 11/09/2021 00:10

She sounds narcissistic as fuck and these people don't seem to be the most introspective types. People saying move on, yep that's ideal but being expelled from a group and vilified cuts deep and causes lifelong issues.

If you haven't had therapy maybe that would help, although all the people I have known who wanted to go into that field were more fucked up than your queen bee, so God knows.

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 00:29

@Domino20

Sounds like the guy she was dating/married had done something to make her think that he might fancy you.
Hmm, can’t be because he doesn’t know me at all and I wasn’t even allowed to know him or know about him either … Confused
OP posts:
Dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 11/09/2021 01:22

Is it possible she was jealous of you/some aspect of your life compared to hers for some reason? I wouldn't expend any more emotional energy on it though.

Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 01:36

I’m confused as to why part of your post is some complaint that she didn’t invite you to her wedding… well of course she didn’t, you’re not friends, and she bullied you previously.

All the time that you were friends, did she have someone else to pick on then?

Some people get their kicks or boost their self esteem by bullying other - might be it easier your “turn” in her eyes, and honestly she might have turned on you over some minor (or invented) infraction because she was simply looking for someone to bully.

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:03

@Cocomarine

I’m confused as to why part of your post is some complaint that she didn’t invite you to her wedding… well of course she didn’t, you’re not friends, and she bullied you previously.

All the time that you were friends, did she have someone else to pick on then?

Some people get their kicks or boost their self esteem by bullying other - might be it easier your “turn” in her eyes, and honestly she might have turned on you over some minor (or invented) infraction because she was simply looking for someone to bully.

I only included that part about her wedding because I found it odd the extent she went to make sure I didn’t meet this guy. To the point where she invited everyone else, including someone she didn’t even like in school. Why does she think I’d care?

Wouldn’t you find it odd if someone was going out of their way to keep their relationship secret and hidden from you and only you but fine with making it public and wanting people to celebrate their relationship? (By having a wedding?) This is all so strange to me Confused I don’t even understand

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NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 02:13

Sorry OP but yabu and why are you still thinking about that group after being chucked out so comprehensively? Years later?

Sixth form is so young stuff like this happens. Happened to me a bit. No idea why.

Friendships and groups just are like that through school.

You need to put it behind you.

Tbh I'm sure she liked you and wasn't what. Planning it for ages to be so horrible!

It's real life not grease.

Let go and move on.

NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 02:15

Whatever happened.

You were chucked out of that group.

It's upsetting very upsetting.

But you were kids.

It's not healthy to be dwelling on this/ and esp confronting her about it years later.

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:16

@NiceGerbil

Sorry OP but yabu and why are you still thinking about that group after being chucked out so comprehensively? Years later?

Sixth form is so young stuff like this happens. Happened to me a bit. No idea why.

Friendships and groups just are like that through school.

You need to put it behind you.

Tbh I'm sure she liked you and wasn't what. Planning it for ages to be so horrible!

It's real life not grease.

Let go and move on.

But why does she keep speaking to my siblings. I have no choice but to think about them be dated it’s not as if they are completed out of my life. We live in the same city and they all are still speaking to my family and have refused to stop so how exactly can I “move on”?
OP posts:
Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:16

That meant to say because not be dated

OP posts:
Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:18

Even though she’s the one who keeps continuously going to talk to my siblings? And 17/18 is not a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:26

By the way I have always wondered why is it not accepted to still be affected by what someone did at that age, 16/17/18 years old but it’s perfectly accepted and even celebrated to get married to someone you dated when you were a teenager?

If 16/17/18 years old is too young to be held accountable then why isn’t it considered too young to meet your future spouse.

It’s not just this situation, I have also read on MN in past threads people talking about how they met their DH while they were teenagers and no one has a problem with it or asks them why they still care about a teenage relationship and why they haven’t moved on.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 02:28

The group are seeing your family in arranged social situations?

Or having a chat if they bump into them in the pub?

user1471457751 · 11/09/2021 02:28

Surely the real question is why on earth do your siblings keep talking to her? If they know what she did to you, they sound crap

TedMullins · 11/09/2021 02:30

She sounds like a horrid bitch and that she treated you really badly, but to be blunt - just because she doesn’t like you doesn’t mean she should stop speaking to your siblings. YANBU to be hurt but just because your siblings speak to her doesn’t mean you have to. I assume you’re not forced to be in the same room as your siblings and her all at the same time? She’s a nasty piece of work, forget about it and move on. Similar happened to me at school and I really couldn’t care less what those people are doing now.

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:30

@user1471457751

Surely the real question is why on earth do your siblings keep talking to her? If they know what she did to you, they sound crap
That’s what I’m wondering too. They know how this person treated me. I guess this dispels the myth that only bullies have bad home lives and the person who is bullied has a perfect life.
OP posts:
Kanaloa · 11/09/2021 02:31

Well it doesn’t really affect you if she speaks to your siblings when she passes them. If your sister says ‘oh I saw Jenny today’ you just say ‘oh right did you’ and move the conversation to something else. I do understand how high school bullies can affect you even after years but it’s not healthy to dwell on why your bully didn’t invite you to her wedding. I think at a certain point you just need to let bygones be bygones, and accept that you’ll never know why bullies behaved how they did. Most of the time I imagine it’s because they were unhappy themselves in some way.

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:32

@TedMullins

She sounds like a horrid bitch and that she treated you really badly, but to be blunt - just because she doesn’t like you doesn’t mean she should stop speaking to your siblings. YANBU to be hurt but just because your siblings speak to her doesn’t mean you have to. I assume you’re not forced to be in the same room as your siblings and her all at the same time? She’s a nasty piece of work, forget about it and move on. Similar happened to me at school and I really couldn’t care less what those people are doing now.
Yes but people are telling me to move on but if I keep having to hear about her then how is that possible?
OP posts:
Kanaloa · 11/09/2021 02:33

If 16/17/18 years old is too young to be held accountable then why isn’t it considered too young to meet your future spouse.

Well the difference is they have grown up. If they were getting married AT 16/17 then I think most people would agree that’s too young for most people to be responsible for a marriage. And nobody is suggesting she should have behaved that way, more that obsessing over it will harm you more than her.