To want someone to help me understand why someone could act like this

[DunnoWgy]

So there is this person I was friends with, since childhood.

Background:
Bare in mind she came to me because I was new, didn’t know anyone in the new school but we knew each other because we lived in the same neighbourhood. Anyway, when I joined the same school as her, I was usually by myself because I didn’t know anyone, so she would usually invite me to be around her and her friends so I wouldn’t be in my own. Anyway I became integrated (kind of in their friendship group) and (I thought) we all became friends then carried on this way throughout school and our childhood really.

Anyway fast forward to sixth form, we are all 17/18 years old. She meets a guy and starts dating him, she tells everyone else, including some new girl that recently just joined the little group but not me. I’m the only one who wasn’t told anything, they all would hang out without me, not speak to me and I was essentially kicked out of their little group. I accepted it, stayed away from them, and didn’t speak to them either because they didn’t want to speak to me and I wasn’t going to beg. Eventually, they started being openly nasty to me, intimidating me, saying horrible things about me, laughing at me when I walked past them, shouting things at me to mock me when I was walking to the bus stop on the way home. This particular girl I am posting about said things like, “ask [my name] why she’s here” then making fun of me if I responded, also would prompt the other girls in the group to be mean to me by coming up to me to ask me what I was studying in university then laughing at me when I answered.

Anyway, so we were not friends I thought. This happened to me for no reason at all. Fast forward to today we are in our early twenties and she married this guy she met back then in sixth form, only reason I know is because I was told about this from one of the other girls in the group (who pretends none of this went on). I look at the pictures they uploaded and I’m the only one not invited to this wedding, she invited everyone else from school, meanwhile I was right there when she met this guy but made such an effort to keep me so far removed from this guy to the point that I didn’t even know she was dating someone. Anyway this person I’m describing doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with their behaviour because they keep talking to my siblings whenever they see them and I don’t know why, if you don’t like me then why are you speaking to members of my siblings? So I confronted her about everything she did to me but she claims her conscience is clear ().

@Justsaynonow

OP, this link might help, especially 5&7. Dealing with the Killer Called Stress

Friends are friends or they are not. A true friend will never betray you and if a “friend” does betray you than he/she is simply not a friend. Always walk away from betrayal and do not stress about it.
Move on with appreciation and without bitterness for the relationship that is no more, and open your heart to other possibilities that life presents.

You're only hurting yourself by dwelling on the past. It doesn't matter why - it just is. Don't give her further power to hurt you - you control how you react to others. And I agree with the pp who said to tell your family you're not interested in hearing about her.

It's difficult to change your mindset but it will be well worth the effort.

Thanks for the link, I’ll read it later

Reading through, it really sounds like the problem started when she met this guy. She must have got the impression he had a thing for you and she then saw you as a threat. That's how it sounds to me. She's done everything in her power to remove you from him. Crazy!

Out of interest on that post. Genuinely.

Why would it be more comforting to believe a group of people would have been stringing you along for a long period of time?

I would find that worse! Than just teenagers it happens who knows.

And it also sets very high expectations on friendship.

I had a friend who when she got married. Totally rewrote her entire history. And started speaking entirely in meaningless positive phrases. 'isn't this nice!!!'. And that was more or less it.

She changed massively and was not the friend I had.

Who betrayed who?

And betrayal is such a strong word for the ways a person changes during their life, meaning old friends don't feel like they know them any more.

Not at all related to OP situation! Just interested.

sweetheart.its not you.but.its is. I been blighted by same story-various variations all my days.im 48. f))k dem is best advice ive got.Is high chance you are exceptional.outstanding.dont actually need them.
learn to be with yourself.and love that person.you arent bad/horrible/wicked/or deserving of such crap
confrontation does no favours.ignore invites it continues.make YOUR own boundaries.i got no idea if anyone ever give what they get,gets what they give,karma is really slow.
it hurts.zakt same.everytime.
whatchu allow continues
you cant change other people.you can change how you feel bout them/that.
you sound young.sorry to be ffensive but the perception is bullies have been bullied. their voctim can come from anywhere.
nobody HAS to like you.you are not dependent on them doing so.your siblings-are allowed to do as they please.they can not,should not and are unlikely to sell yu to a witch
shes married,leave her too it.id favour not ever mentioning her,circumstances,any emotional reaction you USED to have bout that-over stewing.
You do matter. Use your head to explore anything other than the actions of other.man up.move on
dont sell yourself short or waste another minute even thinkin bout her or rest of em. .silently wish her all the best and liveyour life.damn sure shes no posting claimin to give a damn bout you.sorry if harsh.is true tho

You can't dictate whether they speak to this woman, unfortunately. It's a shame your siblings aren't showing any loyalty though.

Be clear and assertive with your siblings. This woman bullied you when you were at school: you don't want anything to do with her, to discuss her, or to hear about her.

@DunnoWgy

For some reason I can’t quote you *@NiceGerbil* but to answer your question, marriage is always seen as more favourable for women than not getting married. That’s why it’s seen as better and married women respected more than not married women

I feel like being on mumsnet would have told you that if you’ve seen the posts on married women vs unmarried

I think a strong woman is respected on here regardless of marital status.

45 years old with a 24 and a 13 year old. Unmarried, in fact - a single parent to both.

Marriage seems to be just another contract regarding the house should we divorce. Of course there are many happily married couples on here that planned their lives and babies etc, but for every one of those I give you 5 people that are unhappily married.

So, just ignore. From your posts you sound young enough to get a lot more life experience under your belt without having to tie yourself to a bloke.

Love yourself first and foremost.

For your own sanity, you will never get an answer on why she treated you the way she did, why she invited other people to her wedding that she didn't get on with from school. Put it to one side and move forward. Focus on your current friendships and the future. Don't dwell on the past as you're only prolonging the anguish this is causing you.

Everyone is telling you to move on here which I know is difficult to hear and put into practice. Counselling will help you find strategies and unpick all this.

Sounds like she did not want that guy talking to you or even looking at you so she must have been jealous of you or very insecure. The bullying is just vile and just forget about her. She speaks to your siblings as she wants them to think she is a lovely person but in reality is an insecure bully. Do not give her any of your time. Horrible thing they did to you at such a young age. Karma will get her.

@DunnoWgy

Anyway my AIBU question is: am I wrong to think she probably never really liked me anyway, just felt sorry for me because I was on my own initially so it was never a true friendship.

Also AIBU? To wonder why someone would leave me out, telling everyone else about getting a boyfriend but I was the only person who wasn’t to know or be told any of this, even to the point of leaving me and only me out of her wedding.

I literally saw her and we attended the same church up until the day before her wedding and I had no idea it was even happening the next day! Isn’t this odd to anyone or is it just me?

Some people are just c**ts and she sounds like a good example of one. Weird, unprovoked bullying and ostracizing for no reason at all even happens within families. I'm sorry you have had to experience it . All I can say is to be really good to yourself, focusing on positive things that make you happy and enjoying life as much as possible. The best revenge is to live well.

@IrishMel

Sounds like she did not want that guy talking to you or even looking at you so she must have been jealous of you or very insecure. The bullying is just vile and just forget about her. She speaks to your siblings as she wants them to think she is a lovely person but in reality is an insecure bully. Do not give her any of your time. Horrible thing they did to you at such a young age. Karma will get her.

This 👍

"Hmm, can’t be because he doesn’t know me at all and I wasn’t even allowed to know him or know about him either … confused"

This makes me suspect she was insecure and very likely felt inferior to you, resulting in jealousy and c*"tish behaviour.
She'll get hers .

@famousforwrongreason

I can see you're hurt but it's clear your friendship ended at sixth form. She has not hidden her boyfriend / new husband from you, she just isn't keeping you informed because you're not friends Why do you feel hurt you weren't invited to the wedding when you're not friends? How is she 'inserting herself' into your life by chatting with your siblings? I fell out with my sister a long time ago, my friends still speak to her, I'm not angry with them for speaking to her, she hurt me, not them. I understand how it can feel like they're being disloyal but not everyone is as sensitive or reactionary, lots of people just do whatever it takes for a quiet comfortable and non confrontational existence I'm quite emotionally reactive and I have learned over many years that most people would rather pretend it's not happening than take any action. Its frustrating and can be hurtful but it's reality.

I'm sorry it hurt you so badly when she started being mean to you and it's clear it's had a big impact.
I honestly think it would be beneficial to discuss this with a therapist to help you to work through these feelings and to help you to feel confident in building new friendships.

I completely agree and I sincerely doubt that she designed her wedding guest list around slighting you. As frustrating as this is it means more to you than it does her, she’s simply not invested in your life anymore. Since leaving school she’s probably just grown closer to that person or they share some connection like their mums are friends or her husband is friendly with her.

How has your life panned out, OP? Has this situation affected other aspects of your life and your ability to form other friendships/relationships? Are you working? Do you have interests/hobbies etc?

It sound like you're 'stuck' in a groove over what doesn't seem to be a horrendously awful thing, but you're inflating it out of proportion in your head by overthinking all that detail. If you're finding other parts of your life a struggle, and your self-esteem has been badly affected by this, maybe seek some counselling so that you can resolve it once and for all and move forward to other things.

She saw you as a threat and extricated you from the group by the sound of it. The fact it happened when she got a bf will be due to something like she thought he’d fancy you or she thought having you around ruined her street cred. Whatever it is, she is incredibly shallow.

Idk what her motives are behind still talking to your siblings. Whatever they are, they’re all about her, not you as she is shallow. Right now, you think what she is doing is personal, even down to getting married and her choice of guests. However, it doesn’t sound as though you factor in her life even though she factors a lot in yours.

Therapy would be very useful. It will help you to put this behind you, stop thinking she is somehow part of your life and put boundaries in place with your siblings so that they stop telling you about her.

Why do your siblings still speak to her?

Should I start doing the same to her and her sisters. She’s constantly inserting herself into my life so I feel I should start doing the same to her. Why should I remain the victim for the rest of my life whilst she gets defended constantly

If you know her sisters and want to talk to them then do so, why wouldn't you? Just because you have a falling out with one person, doesn't mean that you have to stop speaking to all of their relatives and friends. Don't do it out of some revenge or spite.

I'm 43 and have been single my entire life, I don't feel disrespected.

Also, what do you mean you confronted her?

OP you're overthinking this and giving it way too much headspace.

It only has power over you if you let it. You don't have to understand why someone does what they do to move forward - just remind yourself you didn't do anything wrong and some people are just dicks. Carry on with your life.

I get the sense that you feel insecure because this person who was mean to you is married, are you unhappy being single? Is this the root feeling?

How could someone behave like this? Well, for some reason you’ll never know, she decided she didn’t want you in her friendship group. She was mean (there are unfortunately a lot of mean people walking this earth) fuelled by jealousy or self preservation or insecurity or a mixture of all three.

All fairly common. What’s sad is how you’ve carried this for years and let it affect you so fundamentally. It seems to be twisting your view of the world.

Marriage does not make you more respectable, this is a very odd view that I don’t think has been generally true for about 100 years.

She is not inserting herself into your life, she’s just getting on with hers and you should do the same.

You’re allowed to be affected by bullying, it’s a very destructive act. Use it as a life lesson on the fragility of human relationships and crack on with building better ones.

You aren’t forced to listen about her life. If your siblings ignore your request not to be updated about her life then ignore them when they do. Your siblings behaving this way is separate from this woman’s behaviour in the past and suggests issues between you and them that aren’t being addressed.

We can only speculate as to why she behaved the way she did but speculating doesn’t change things. It sounds like her marriage has triggered you in some way and her behaviour back then, mixed with how you feel about yourself now, is stressing you out. Your suggestion that her getting married somehow makes her more respectable, says more about your feelings or the feelings of people around you, than it does about people’s feelings in general.

Maybe it’s time to talk to a professional if you can’t let go of it all. Letting go doesn’t mean you forgive or forget but instead, you choose for it not to take up so much space in your head now.

to answer your question, marriage is always seen as more favourable for women than not getting married. That’s why it’s seen as better and married women respected more than not married women

This is utter nonsense.

You sound like you would benefit greatly from some counseling.

So someone you haven't been friends with since you were 16/17 didn't invite you to her wedding, you were good friends up until this point, then they became shitty towards you. Why would you be invited to the wedding?

Maybe you expressed an unpopular and untrue opinion about something in a way that the group found insulting and offensive.

You clearly have a lot of hurt and anger about how you were treated in school. That's ok and reasonable, what they did was cruel and nasty. Unfortunately it has happened to a lot of people. Me being one, I was randomly cut out of my friend group, think because I was shy and a very anxious person which meant I was fearful of doing a lot of things you do in your teens. Either way it sucked to be cut out so harshly and have people you thought were friends treat you in such a way.

But you are clearly not friends for whatever reason she may have decided. So she had no reason to introduce you to her partner or invite your to her wedding. Her problem with you clearly does not extend to your siblings, but as she is is not your friend she owes you nothing in this regard. If you have such a problem with it talk to them.

I would advise talking to someone, maybe a therapist about this experience you had as I feel like it has affected you deeply and you don't seem able to move on from it. Which as a lot of people have said you need to now.

I honestly think posters who are speculating on what might have happened or reinforcing OPs belief that this is a live issue are doing more harm than good.

As others have said OP, you're just not in her head any more. She's getting on with her life and has put her past mistakes behind her.

You're stuck, endlessly reliving the trauma of your bullying, which sounds really upsetting for you. At this stage you are now bullying YOURSELF because you are telling yourself your bully is more successful than you, more well liked, more respected. Focus on yourself, now, today. Tell your siblings you are not interested in and don't want to hear about the other girl. Realise that every thought about her is your brain trying to distract you from doing the hard work on YOU - how can YOU make your life as fabulous as possible, starting today?

(fwiw I think many people would privately think being married early 20s suggests the person has quite narrow horizons).