To want someone to help me understand why someone could act like this

[DunnoWgy]

So there is this person I was friends with, since childhood.

Background:
Bare in mind she came to me because I was new, didn’t know anyone in the new school but we knew each other because we lived in the same neighbourhood. Anyway, when I joined the same school as her, I was usually by myself because I didn’t know anyone, so she would usually invite me to be around her and her friends so I wouldn’t be in my own. Anyway I became integrated (kind of in their friendship group) and (I thought) we all became friends then carried on this way throughout school and our childhood really.

Anyway fast forward to sixth form, we are all 17/18 years old. She meets a guy and starts dating him, she tells everyone else, including some new girl that recently just joined the little group but not me. I’m the only one who wasn’t told anything, they all would hang out without me, not speak to me and I was essentially kicked out of their little group. I accepted it, stayed away from them, and didn’t speak to them either because they didn’t want to speak to me and I wasn’t going to beg. Eventually, they started being openly nasty to me, intimidating me, saying horrible things about me, laughing at me when I walked past them, shouting things at me to mock me when I was walking to the bus stop on the way home. This particular girl I am posting about said things like, “ask [my name] why she’s here” then making fun of me if I responded, also would prompt the other girls in the group to be mean to me by coming up to me to ask me what I was studying in university then laughing at me when I answered.

Anyway, so we were not friends I thought. This happened to me for no reason at all. Fast forward to today we are in our early twenties and she married this guy she met back then in sixth form, only reason I know is because I was told about this from one of the other girls in the group (who pretends none of this went on). I look at the pictures they uploaded and I’m the only one not invited to this wedding, she invited everyone else from school, meanwhile I was right there when she met this guy but made such an effort to keep me so far removed from this guy to the point that I didn’t even know she was dating someone. Anyway this person I’m describing doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with their behaviour because they keep talking to my siblings whenever they see them and I don’t know why, if you don’t like me then why are you speaking to members of my siblings? So I confronted her about everything she did to me but she claims her conscience is clear ().

She bullied you and clearly is not your friend. That doesn’t mean that she wasn’t ever your friend- it might be that you’ve both changed. It’s hard to accept that people can be horrible. But, would you behave this way to someone else? No? So why would you want to be around someone who does behave this way? Forget her, focus on meeting new people and doing things you enjoy. Limit how much time you spend on social media. Be glad that you are a kinder, nicer person. Let her go.

Just to add- some people see someone who is slightly needy or insecure and prey on their perceived weakness. Your pain and need to be liked and included is feeding her. She feels special and powerful that someone is so hurt by her actions. The way to deal with this is to understand this, fill your own life with exciting moments and people and step away.

She likes playing mind games. She isn’t a friend. She probably has never been and that’s sad. Instead of concentrating on the sadness could you reframe it in your head?

Yes she has treated you appallingly but I am assuming that you have friends from the group? So yes she treated you badly, but on the flip side you do have some friends from her asking you to join them? You don’t have to be her friend or even really bother about you. If any of your mutual friends talk about just nod, smile and say that’s nice but I wouldn’t even give it much attention

*bother about her.

Lastly, do you think she is busy worrying about you?

Probably not. She doesn’t deserve the space in your mind

YOU deserve more

She’s just a dick. She wanted to freeze you out for god knows what reason and made you the scapegoat. She probably chats to your siblings because she knows it will annoy you further - make you feel more excluded.

You were unlucky. She’s a shit person. But try to begin to put it down - she looms very, very large in your life and dominates your thoughts and feelings and you know a) there is ZERO point trying to figure out why she did it and b) it’s a sad and massive waste of your life and energy to focus on it a minute longer.

Get some therapy to help unpick the feelings.

You need to let this go.

Presumably these things that happen at 6th form happened 7-8 years ago. She made it clear that she didn't want to be friends anymore.

That's obviously sad and shitty for any teenager.

But why years and years later are you focusing on the fact that she didn't invite you to her wedding? Why would she? I presume you haven't been friends for several years now?

Do you still live in your home town?

You need to get over it. She culled the friendship back in college so of course you weren’t invited to her wedding

She doesn’t have to speak to you to be able to speak to your sibling, just because you like one member of the family doesn’t mean you have to like them all. If you should have a problem with anyone it should be your sibling but you aren’t entitled to decide who they’re friends with.

Thanks @CatsBooksAndCoffee

@Domino20

Why do your siblings still speak to her?

I have no idea

These things fo hurt op. I rekon she was jealous. Also my bullies asked me to be fb friends...i declined. I think they forget how mean they are . By talking to your siblings she is still disrespecting your boundaries.

@malificent7

These things fo hurt op. I rekon she was jealous. Also my bullies asked me to be fb friends...i declined. I think they forget how mean they are . By talking to your siblings she is still disrespecting your boundaries.

I told her if she doesn’t like me to stop speaking to other people in my family. She refused and claimed it’s “so false” that my family don’t want to speak to her because of her behaviour towards me. She sees nothing wrong with anything she did and continues talking to my family although she knows it bothers me. People are saying her speaking to them has got nothing to do with me when clearly it does. She doesn’t respect me or my boundaries but expects me to respect hers.

Your boundaries are for your own behaviour and what how you accept people behaving towards you. Your boundaries can’t be how people relate to other people who are not you. That is just trying to control other people and generally that will not get you a positive response.

Thanks @Itsnotallaboutyoubaby

Do you get on well with your siblings? It seems odd they’d not be more concerned about your mh. Or do they not understand?

I told her if she doesn’t like me to stop speaking to other people in my family. She refused and claimed it’s “so false” that my family don’t want to speak to her because of her behaviour towards me. She sees nothing wrong with anything she did and continues talking to my family although she knows it bothers me. People are saying her speaking to them has got nothing to do with me when clearly it does. She doesn’t respect me or my boundaries but expects me to respect hers.

You cant dictate anyone else's behaviour. She can talk to your family if she likes, your family can talk to her. The only thing you can do is ask your family not to talk about her, if they continue then walk away.

Her speaking to them have have something to do with you but it may not, she may just like you family. I'm assuming she got to know them when you two were friends.

Honestly, she's moved on with her life, has gotten married etc. She probably doesn't even think about you much, while you're looking at her wedding photos and assuming all of her actions are directed towards you. If she was bothered then she would have told the other girl in the group (the one who told you about the wedding) not to speak to you in the same way you are telling your family not to speak to her. The ending of the friendship and bullying were a significant event in your life, they were not significant to her.

Hmm I disagree that it was more significant for me than them. I’ve noticed on these types of threads people make it seem like being mean to someone for years on end doesn’t take any effort or it’s something people forget as soon as they leave school. And it’s the person who was at the receiving end of it who cares, not the person who started it. Apparently it’s okay for them to be mean to someone for years then they develop amnesia, forget all about it

Maybe we should teach our kids to be mean to others in school because when they’re older, they’ll forget about being mean anyway

You're clearly never going to get an acknowledgement or apology over the bullying. You're not part of their friendship circle and haven't been for years. You might think that's unfair but you really need to accept it for what it is.
Have you thought about counselling to help you try to move forward and help with your self esteem about being unmarried etc?

Why should I remain the victim for the rest of my life whilst she gets defended constantly

You're not a victim of anything.

People understand people who think the same way as they do. You don't think in the same way as a bully, and until you do, her way of thinking won't make sense to you.

Unless you want to practice bringing out your inner bully, just accept that her behaviour won't make sense to you, and move on.

Set your boundaries with your family ('I don't want to hear about her anymore') and if your family don't respect your boundaries, create distance from them. That's all you have to do. You're creating a load of drama for yourself with the 'Why me? Why why why?' attitude. You won't get an answer because you can't understand the answer. Stop looking for it. You're preventing yourself from emotionally moving on from childhood bullying.

@DunnoWgy

Maybe we should teach our kids to be mean to others in school because when they’re older, they’ll forget about being mean anyway

Maybe you’re recalling the past slightly different to the others, the girl in question doesn’t believe she did anything wrong and surely if you were so badly treated your sibling wouldn’t entertain her?

When you constantly over think things, as you clearly do, the mind can distort the memory and to fit your narrative.

She doesn’t believe she did anything wrong because she doesn’t respect me and disrespecting me was set up as the norm in their little group. Do you remember in school there were always kids who were treated badly by practically everyone to the point that other kids would join in and saw nothing wrong with it?

My previous post was in response to @Winemewhynot I cannot quote you for some reason

What do you want to happen, OP?

@SpittinKitten

What do you want to happen, OP?

Not sure, I guess I was hoping I would understand someone’s motivations more