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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want someone to help me understand why someone could act like this

156 replies

DunnoWgy · 10/09/2021 23:45

So there is this person I was friends with, since childhood.

Background:
Bare in mind she came to me because I was new, didn’t know anyone in the new school but we knew each other because we lived in the same neighbourhood. Anyway, when I joined the same school as her, I was usually by myself because I didn’t know anyone, so she would usually invite me to be around her and her friends so I wouldn’t be in my own. Anyway I became integrated (kind of in their friendship group) and (I thought) we all became friends then carried on this way throughout school and our childhood really.

Anyway fast forward to sixth form, we are all 17/18 years old. She meets a guy and starts dating him, she tells everyone else, including some new girl that recently just joined the little group but not me. I’m the only one who wasn’t told anything, they all would hang out without me, not speak to me and I was essentially kicked out of their little group. I accepted it, stayed away from them, and didn’t speak to them either because they didn’t want to speak to me and I wasn’t going to beg. Eventually, they started being openly nasty to me, intimidating me, saying horrible things about me, laughing at me when I walked past them, shouting things at me to mock me when I was walking to the bus stop on the way home. This particular girl I am posting about said things like, “ask [my name] why she’s here” then making fun of me if I responded, also would prompt the other girls in the group to be mean to me by coming up to me to ask me what I was studying in university then laughing at me when I answered.

Anyway, so we were not friends I thought. This happened to me for no reason at all. Fast forward to today we are in our early twenties and she married this guy she met back then in sixth form, only reason I know is because I was told about this from one of the other girls in the group (who pretends none of this went on). I look at the pictures they uploaded and I’m the only one not invited to this wedding, she invited everyone else from school, meanwhile I was right there when she met this guy but made such an effort to keep me so far removed from this guy to the point that I didn’t even know she was dating someone. Anyway this person I’m describing doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with their behaviour because they keep talking to my siblings whenever they see them and I don’t know why, if you don’t like me then why are you speaking to members of my siblings? So I confronted her about everything she did to me but she claims her conscience is clear (Confused).

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 02:35

It's fine to feel very upset and hurt still.

But it's not doing you any good dwelling on it.

16/17/18 yo are young. This sort of thing happens at school (6th form).

And to be with your bf/ gf you met at that age years down the line is very unusual. They married early 20s I think though not at that age?

In the end no one on here knows these people. Or you. What are you wanting people to say? And what would it change?

The best thing to do OP is to let it go.

Do you have a job/ other friends etc? Focus on the now rather than dwelling on the past. Is my genuine advice.

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:37

@Kanaloa

If 16/17/18 years old is too young to be held accountable then why isn’t it considered too young to meet your future spouse.

Well the difference is they have grown up. If they were getting married AT 16/17 then I think most people would agree that’s too young for most people to be responsible for a marriage. And nobody is suggesting she should have behaved that way, more that obsessing over it will harm you more than her.

To me it’s the same thing. Meeting someone at age 16/17/18 then getting married to them is the same as being affected by bullying that went on at that age. It’s no different.

The basis of your marriage still came from the foundation that you built at as teenagers it’s not really based on anything related to your adult life. It’s very, very different to meeting someone as a fully grown adult and having an adult relationship.

It’s only not affecting her because she’s the one that started everything and because she’s married now society says they have to respect her much more than me

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 11/09/2021 02:38

Why are your family telling you about her?

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:40

@FiveShelties

Why are your family telling you about her?
Everything about her current life, it’s where I found out when she was getting married, who she was getting married to, where she lives, where she works etc. I’m forced to hear about every aspect of her life Sad
OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 02:48

'she’s married now society says they have to respect her much more than me'

I don't get this comment at all OP. What do you mean?

Why haven't you told your family that you don't want to hear about it? I assume they know at least that you suddenly stopped having out with them. Why not tell family look they were horrible to me at school I'd really prefer it not to hear what they're up to.

FiveShelties · 11/09/2021 02:52

Who is forcing you and why do you let them?

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 02:57

@NiceGerbil

'she’s married now society says they have to respect her much more than me'

I don't get this comment at all OP. What do you mean?

By that comment I meant that I feel she’s more respected than me because she’s married and I’m not. Therefore I’m supposed to respect her because of this. Married women are seen and treated as better than unmarried women by many people so …

OP posts:
BadNomad · 11/09/2021 03:04

It sounds like she was just being kind to you initially because you were on your own a lot, but she never really saw you as a friend. What happened at 17-18 years of age was clearly mean girl bullying by her and her friends though.

Then because she didn't see you as a friend this is why you weren't told about her boyfriend. I don't think this was kept from you so much as she didn't think it was something you should be told. The same with the wedding. You're giving this girl too much headspace when I doubt you're ever in hers. She talks to your siblings because why wouldn't she? She's not thinking to herself "these are the siblings of my enemy."

Bullying is awful and it stays with you forever. You need to tell your family to stop talking about this girl because it really upsets you.

Monty27 · 11/09/2021 03:08

What exactly is your beef OP?
Why do you care any more?
You were there when ex friend met the guy she later married yet you've never been introduced to him?
I'm at a loss to understand your posts. Sorry!

NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 03:10

[quote DunnoWgy]@NiceGerbil

'she’s married now society says they have to respect her much more than me'

I don't get this comment at all OP. What do you mean?

By that comment I meant that I feel she’s more respected than me because she’s married and I’m not. Therefore I’m supposed to respect her because of this. Married women are seen and treated as better than unmarried women by many people so …[/quote]
No I'm sorry OP this doesn't make sense.

Why is marriage so important to you?

Respected by who exactly?

And you're in your early 20s. Why would anyone respect a woman who was married in her early 20s more than one who was not?

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 03:12

@BadNomad

It sounds like she was just being kind to you initially because you were on your own a lot, but she never really saw you as a friend. What happened at 17-18 years of age was clearly mean girl bullying by her and her friends though.

Then because she didn't see you as a friend this is why you weren't told about her boyfriend. I don't think this was kept from you so much as she didn't think it was something you should be told. The same with the wedding. You're giving this girl too much headspace when I doubt you're ever in hers. She talks to your siblings because why wouldn't she? She's not thinking to herself "these are the siblings of my enemy."

Bullying is awful and it stays with you forever. You need to tell your family to stop talking about this girl because it really upsets you.

Should I start doing the same to her and her sisters. She’s constantly inserting herself into my life so I feel I should start doing the same to her. Why should I remain the victim for the rest of my life whilst she gets defended constantly
OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 11/09/2021 03:12

Maybe you should ask your siblings to stop letting you know when this person talks to them. Seems a bit mean for them to be letting you know when it upsets you so much.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 11/09/2021 03:15

[quote DunnoWgy]@NiceGerbil

'she’s married now society says they have to respect her much more than me'

I don't get this comment at all OP. What do you mean?

By that comment I meant that I feel she’s more respected than me because she’s married and I’m not. Therefore I’m supposed to respect her because of this. Married women are seen and treated as better than unmarried women by many people so …[/quote]
This is such a strange thing to say to most people. Makes me wonder, are you from a culture that says married women should be treated better then unmarried women? That may make a difference in understanding your thinking on all this

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 03:16

For some reason I can’t quote you @NiceGerbil but to answer your question, marriage is always seen as more favourable for women than not getting married. That’s why it’s seen as better and married women respected more than not married women

Hmm I feel like being on mumsnet would have told you that if you’ve seen the posts on married women vs unmarried

OP posts:
BadNomad · 11/09/2021 03:19

Should I start doing the same to her and her sisters. She’s constantly inserting herself into my life so I feel I should start doing the same to her. Why should I remain the victim for the rest of my life whilst she gets defended constantly

No. You tell your family you dont want to know anything about her. Do you think she's intentionally trying to upset you? Because that doesn't make sense. She doesn't see your reaction so she isn't getting any pleasure from it. Her talking to your family isn't about you.

SpittinKitten · 11/09/2021 03:21

Cant say I've noticed it that much on here..

Do you mean married versus unmarried, or married versus single?

IsMaithLiomLeaba · 11/09/2021 03:23

It's not nice that she bullied you but to be honest she's probably forgotten all about it and doesn't think about you at all anymore. I talk to the siblings of people I don't like, because I have no issue with the siblings. I wouldn't say she's inserting herself into your life by casually chatting to your siblings in public when you're not even around.

I doubt she's gone out of her way to hide her marriage from you if she openly told your siblings about it, she could reasonably expect them to mention it to you. And I don't think your siblings have forced you to hear every detail of her life if you've only found out about the wedding after it's happened.

melj1213 · 11/09/2021 03:24

YABU and tbh if you are this hard work in real life them no wonder your "friends" distanced themselves.

So what if she got married and didn't invite you? You're not friends so why do you care?

So what if she talks to your siblings? Unless they're coming back to tell you every detail of her life then what does it matter if they share a friendly "hello" now and again? I live in my hometown and I often bump into people that my siblings went to school with, other than their BFFs I have no idea who my siblings got on with and who they disliked in their classes at school. So if one of those people said a casual "Hello, how are you/how is ?" I would have no reason not to respond with a polite "Fine, and you?" as a minimum.

NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 03:24

@DunnoWgy

For some reason I can’t quote you *@NiceGerbil* but to answer your question, marriage is always seen as more favourable for women than not getting married. That’s why it’s seen as better and married women respected more than not married women

Hmm I feel like being on mumsnet would have told you that if you’ve seen the posts on married women vs unmarried

Well sure if there's children etc about the legal position.

That's a thing about legal protection if you split. Not about a moral/ value judgement on marital status.

And even on the legal thing those threads have mixed opinions.

famousforwrongreason · 11/09/2021 03:26

I can see you're hurt but it's clear your friendship ended at sixth form.
She has not hidden her boyfriend / new husband from you, she just isn't keeping you informed because you're not friends
Why do you feel hurt you weren't invited to the wedding when you're not friends?
How is she 'inserting herself' into your life by chatting with your siblings?
I fell out with my sister a long time ago, my friends still speak to her, I'm not angry with them for speaking to her, she hurt me, not them.
I understand how it can feel like they're being disloyal but not everyone is as sensitive or reactionary, lots of people just do whatever it takes for a quiet comfortable and non confrontational existence
I'm quite emotionally reactive and I have learned over many years that most people would rather pretend it's not happening than take any action. Its frustrating and can be hurtful but it's reality.

I'm sorry it hurt you so badly when she started being mean to you and it's clear it's had a big impact.
I honestly think it would be beneficial to discuss this with a therapist to help you to work through these feelings and to help you to feel confident in building new friendships.

NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 03:27

I know zero people who would 'respect' a married woman in her early 20s over an unmarried one.

Being married so young is v unusual these days. And most people tbh would be pretty nosy about it all. And thinking what are the chances of it lasting in the long term (decades).

That's not respect is it.

famousforwrongreason · 11/09/2021 03:28

I meant to say, if it hurts you so much to hear about her just tell your siblings that you don't want to hear anything about her news anymore, just say it reminds you of an unhappy time in your life and you want to leave it in the past.

NiceGerbil · 11/09/2021 03:36

OP surely your siblings know you got chucked out of the group and were v upset.

Why are you so focused on this woman and not the other members of the group?

Just tell your family you don't want to know.

This sort of thing happens at that age all the time. Similar happened to me. No idea why. Was confused and upset but got on with it.

If it helps i would say yes she was kind when you joined. She didn't have to do that.
Yes I'm sure she liked you.
She brought you into group and you became one of the gang and had a good time.

Something changed. Who knows what? They were nasty. You were ditched.

It happens at school age. I mean FGS reading on here it happens to grown ups!

It doesn't matter why it happened.

You were accepted and welcomed and had those friends and that was fun. No way was this some kind of set up from the start.

You are now in your early 20s.

Let it go. Tell your family to put a sock in it.

And this respect thing is very peculiar.

I think I agree with pp, you need to talk to a professional about all of this.

Justsaynonow · 11/09/2021 03:39

OP, this link might help, especially 5&7.
Dealing with the Killer Called Stress

Friends are friends or they are not. A true friend will never betray you and if a “friend” does betray you than he/she is simply not a friend. Always walk away from betrayal and do not stress about it.
Move on with appreciation and without bitterness for the relationship that is no more, and open your heart to other possibilities that life presents.

You're only hurting yourself by dwelling on the past. It doesn't matter why - it just is. Don't give her further power to hurt you - you control how you react to others. And I agree with the pp who said to tell your family you're not interested in hearing about her.

It's difficult to change your mindset but it will be well worth the effort.

Sciurus83 · 11/09/2021 03:40

Therefore I’m supposed to respect her because of this. Married women are seen and treated as better than unmarried women by many people so …

What on earth are you chatting about?!! This isn't at all true and you're projecting some wild insecurities here. You're allowing this woman to live in your head rent free, you have to let this go and move on. If your siblings start mentioning her say "I don't want to hear about her, she's a....well insert your own word here". Shut down move on done. No idea why she didn't want you to meet her partner, except you're in no way friends so who cares? Stop thinking about her, you could use this headspace for so many better things, sounds like you're piling a lot of your own insecurities onto this weird situation. Ask yourself why you care so much, what is it about your life? It's not about this woman, let it go.

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