To want someone to help me understand why someone could act like this

[DunnoWgy]

So there is this person I was friends with, since childhood.

Background:
Bare in mind she came to me because I was new, didn’t know anyone in the new school but we knew each other because we lived in the same neighbourhood. Anyway, when I joined the same school as her, I was usually by myself because I didn’t know anyone, so she would usually invite me to be around her and her friends so I wouldn’t be in my own. Anyway I became integrated (kind of in their friendship group) and (I thought) we all became friends then carried on this way throughout school and our childhood really.

Anyway fast forward to sixth form, we are all 17/18 years old. She meets a guy and starts dating him, she tells everyone else, including some new girl that recently just joined the little group but not me. I’m the only one who wasn’t told anything, they all would hang out without me, not speak to me and I was essentially kicked out of their little group. I accepted it, stayed away from them, and didn’t speak to them either because they didn’t want to speak to me and I wasn’t going to beg. Eventually, they started being openly nasty to me, intimidating me, saying horrible things about me, laughing at me when I walked past them, shouting things at me to mock me when I was walking to the bus stop on the way home. This particular girl I am posting about said things like, “ask [my name] why she’s here” then making fun of me if I responded, also would prompt the other girls in the group to be mean to me by coming up to me to ask me what I was studying in university then laughing at me when I answered.

Anyway, so we were not friends I thought. This happened to me for no reason at all. Fast forward to today we are in our early twenties and she married this guy she met back then in sixth form, only reason I know is because I was told about this from one of the other girls in the group (who pretends none of this went on). I look at the pictures they uploaded and I’m the only one not invited to this wedding, she invited everyone else from school, meanwhile I was right there when she met this guy but made such an effort to keep me so far removed from this guy to the point that I didn’t even know she was dating someone. Anyway this person I’m describing doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with their behaviour because they keep talking to my siblings whenever they see them and I don’t know why, if you don’t like me then why are you speaking to members of my siblings? So I confronted her about everything she did to me but she claims her conscience is clear ().

My twopence worth, from a different experience, admittedly...

Motive doesn't really matter. I was abused by a family member when I was a kid, and spent years wondering why they did it, and what their experiences had been prior to that - were they abused and then perpetuated it further? Was it off their own bat? What did they feel about it now?

In all honesty, no explanation or justification about my abuser will ever diminish how I was affected.

What was helpful was therapy in a safe space to help unpick all the consequences and how to stop making it the focus of my thoughts and self image.

As I said, not the same... but similar.

^ just to give a little more context, my abusive family member got married on my 30th birthday (which my parents forgot existed). I was expected to attend. By the time it came around, I was NC with the lot of them...
It took me years to stop thinking about it being their anniversary on my birthday. It's really nice to not have it at the forefront of my thoughts these days.

If your bully had invited you to her wedding, would you have gone? If yes, why?

You sound obsessed and I think she probably picked up on your fixation and put some distance between you.

It sounds like she was really important when you moved schools and had no one. That importance and emotional connection has stayed even though circumstances have changed. Does that make sense?

The nice thing about not being at school is you only have to think about the school friends you choose to stay in touch with. She’s allowed to stay in touch with your family if they both want that.

@Franklyfrost

You sound obsessed and I think she probably picked up on your fixation and put some distance between you.

It sounds like she was really important when you moved schools and had no one. That importance and emotional connection has stayed even though circumstances have changed. Does that make sense?

The nice thing about not being at school is you only have to think about the school friends you choose to stay in touch with. She’s allowed to stay in touch with your family if they both want that.

How am I obsessed when I’m not the one who kept following them around and I was the one happy to do my own thing?

I would never, ever talk to anyone who was mean to my child, or anyone else I cared about. Personally

But everyone is different …

She sounds like a horrible bully and you are well shot of her.

I can understand this having a big impact on you as you were "friends" with her for a while, but to be blunt you really need to move on and stop letting this affect you. It's not healthy to be this consumed with something which ended a long time ago.

Would you consider getting specialist help to deal with this? I would recommend it.

Wouldn’t you find it odd if someone was going out of their way to keep their relationship secret and hidden from you and only you but fine with making it public and wanting people to celebrate their relationship? (By having a wedding?) This is all so strange to me I don’t even understand

But did she go out of her way to keep it a secret? She didn’t tell you she was seeing someone when it first started, she began pushing you out of your friendship group soon afterwards, and then several years later, long after you’d stopped talking, she got married. That was nothing to do with you, and I can’t imagine why you would think you’d be invited to the wedding.

But why does she keep speaking to my siblings. I have no choice but to think about them because it’s not as if they are completed out of my life. We live in the same city and they all are still speaking to my family and have refused to stop so how exactly can I “move on”?

You can’t stop her talking to your siblings. You say she doesn’t respect your boundaries - why would she? She clearly doesn’t value you in any other way.

You can only control your actions, not hers. If your siblings start to talk to you about her, tell them each and every time ‘I’m not interested - you know why’. Every time. If they get annoyed by this, too bad - you have made your feelings clear.

She isn’t part of your life anymore. She can’t become one by talking to your relatives. She dropped you - now it’s time to drop her.

@WomanStanleyWoman

Wouldn’t you find it odd if someone was going out of their way to keep their relationship secret and hidden from you and only you but fine with making it public and wanting people to celebrate their relationship? (By having a wedding?) This is all so strange to me I don’t even understand

But did she go out of her way to keep it a secret? She didn’t tell you she was seeing someone when it first started, she began pushing you out of your friendship group soon afterwards, and then several years later, long after you’d stopped talking, she got married. That was nothing to do with you, and I can’t imagine why you would think you’d be invited to the wedding.

But why does she keep speaking to my siblings. I have no choice but to think about them because it’s not as if they are completed out of my life. We live in the same city and they all are still speaking to my family and have refused to stop so how exactly can I “move on”?

You can’t stop her talking to your siblings. You say she doesn’t respect your boundaries - why would she? She clearly doesn’t value you in any other way.

You can only control your actions, not hers. If your siblings start to talk to you about her, tell them each and every time ‘I’m not interested - you know why’. Every time. If they get annoyed by this, too bad - you have made your feelings clear.

She isn’t part of your life anymore. She can’t become one by talking to your relatives. She dropped you - now it’s time to drop her.

No I meant I find it odd that she didn’t even want me to know she was dating this guy so why post it on social media when you get married, knowing that I would see it. Why even get married if you don’t want your relationship known publicly to others? If I wanted to keep my relationship a secret, no one would even know and I wouldn’t even get married or post it on a public account, it seems attention seeking. Like don’t ask me about it but I’ll post it online so you know, but don’t ask me about it because I’m coy teeheeheee. It doesn’t make sense

I’m a bit baffled by this. You mention living in a city, yet you all seem on top of each other.
You were still seeing her at church right up until the day before her wedding?

Am I right in thinking that you all belong to a fairly tight knit not quite mainstream Christian religious community?

• you’re at the same church
• she seems to have a lot of access to your family
• she has got married fairly young
• you have really odd views about respect and married women

Your posts just seem a bit odd to me, like we’re missing a piece of a puzzle. All this talking to your siblings… I live in a village not a city, and don’t see the same people around that often. Hence thinking there’s a village-in-a-city thing going on here, like a religion based group.

@WomanStanleyWoman

Wouldn’t you find it odd if someone was going out of their way to keep their relationship secret and hidden from you and only you but fine with making it public and wanting people to celebrate their relationship? (By having a wedding?) This is all so strange to me I don’t even understand

But did she go out of her way to keep it a secret? She didn’t tell you she was seeing someone when it first started, she began pushing you out of your friendship group soon afterwards, and then several years later, long after you’d stopped talking, she got married. That was nothing to do with you, and I can’t imagine why you would think you’d be invited to the wedding.

But why does she keep speaking to my siblings. I have no choice but to think about them because it’s not as if they are completed out of my life. We live in the same city and they all are still speaking to my family and have refused to stop so how exactly can I “move on”?

You can’t stop her talking to your siblings. You say she doesn’t respect your boundaries - why would she? She clearly doesn’t value you in any other way.

You can only control your actions, not hers. If your siblings start to talk to you about her, tell them each and every time ‘I’m not interested - you know why’. Every time. If they get annoyed by this, too bad - you have made your feelings clear.

She isn’t part of your life anymore. She can’t become one by talking to your relatives. She dropped you - now it’s time to drop her.

And if she doesn’t value me then why are we (the general public) expected to value her and her relationship? so she deserves respect but she doesn’t want to give it to others

She enjoys messing with yr head and is probably hoping for a big reaction. Dont give it to her!!

I have a couple of covert scapegoating narcs in my family and they enjoy causing you pain and confusion so dont let her know she is frustrating you and upsetting you.
There is a percentage of people who are really really damaged.

Why are you even seeing her social media platforms?!!

LET GO

For whatever mean reason, she turned on you and bullied you at sixth form. A common from of bullying is ostracism, and that’s what she did, establishing your lack of place with her by making sure you didn’t know something important - about her boyfriend.

Whatever led to that…

Do you really think that her having shut you, one person, out of her life 3/4 ish years ago (?) means that if she mentions her wedding on HER social media years later, that’s attention seeking - and aimed at you?

I’m torn between just bluntly saying you sound off your rocker for that, and gently suggesting you need to speak to a professional.

As in my last post - it just feels like something key is missing here. You can’t possibly think she’s wrong for putting her wedding on fb or wherever for all to see, is wrong because she didn’t tell one person, 4 years ago, that she was dating. This doesn’t add up.

Who is expecting you to value and respect her because she's married now??

You don't have to value or respect her but you do need to move on and forget about her for your own good.

She did not plan her wedding guest list just to spite you, she did not post pictures of her own wedding on her own Facebook just to spite you. That's completely bizarre.

“And if she doesn’t value me then why are we (the general public) expected to value her and her relationship? confused so she deserves respect but she doesn’t want to give it to others confused”

Who is expecting you to respect her and value her relationship?

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

Maybe you should ask your siblings to stop letting you know when this person talks to them. Seems a bit mean for them to be letting you know when it upsets you so much.

I think this is true. Your siblings think it's ok to stand around chatting aimiably with somebody who bullied you out of a group. So im guessing you're not respected within the family which is precisely why it is so triggering for you to be excluded and disrespected by this woman.

I would start a conversation with yr siblings. Ask them if they're entirely happy with their decision to be friendly with somebody who hurt you so much.

They may turn it all around on you though, show you no sympathy, accuse you of being sensitive, show no desire to even attempt to show you loyalty.

You may be left grappling with the information that your siblings arent prepared to forfeit the occasional small talk with the woman who hurt their sister.

@sagaz “occasional small talk” - I’m putting money on them all being in the same fairly inward facing church community, something to explain the level of contact and them all still being in each other’s lives. Totally agree with your post, great advice.

This is absolutely bizzare and all I can offer is... Get some therapy.

You are not friends. You haven't been friends for years. So, no, you wouldn't get an invite to her wedding.

Your siblings can talk to her. Just ignore what they have to say about her.

She didn't tell you about her relationship with this man. And now she's married him and it's on social media. That's normal and fine and nothing to do with you.

Her whole existence has nothing to do with you.

Get some therapy for your self esteem and realise she is a nobody to you and forget about her. Move on with your life.

How long ago is it since you fell out at sixth form?

Your comments about her keeping her husband a secret from you then but posting about her wedding on SM are so weird as I presume years have passed?

And if she doesn’t value me then why are we (the general public) expected to value her and her relationship? so she deserves respect but she doesn’t want to give it to others

She will receive respect from others via the same route as everybody else. People don't respect others because of some expectation from on high. They earn it.

People lose respect for those who spend their time trying to drag others down, which is what you're doing now. She hasn't broken any laws, so do what any self respecting person does when they come across someone mean: stay away from them. Don't put yourself in their path and don't waste your time thinking about them.

What do you want? For the world to know she bullied you? For the world to respond better to that information? For her to vanish? For her to be ostracised? None of it is going to happen, because you are not the centre of the universe, and life will be unfair to you, just like it is to everybody else.

She treated you badly. All of the rest of this is your own self created drama that's making your time feel bad and not good. It's not what your life is for. Walk away. Do something that puts a smile on your face.

No I meant I find it odd that she didn’t even want me to know she was dating this guy so why post it on social media when you get married, knowing that I would see it. Why even get married if you don’t want your relationship known publicly to others? If I wanted to keep my relationship a secret, no one would even know and I wouldn’t even get married or post it on a public account, it seems attention seeking. Like don’t ask me about it but I’ll post it online so you know, but don’t ask me about it because I’m coy teeheeheee. It doesn’t make sense

But as I said, there’s a big difference between not actively telling you about it and some big conspiracy to specifically stop you from finding out. She didn’t tell you because you’re not her friend. She got married and put the pictures on social media because she wanted to. She isn’t posting because she knows you’ll see it - in fact, given you haven’t been friends in years, she probably doesn’t even know you’re looking at her social media. And not looking would actually be a fantastic idea.

And if she doesn’t value me then why are we (the general public) expected to value her and her relationship? so she deserves respect but she doesn’t want to give it to others

But you’re NOT expected to do that. Her marriage has nothing to do with you. You weren’t invited, she doesn’t speak to you - where are you getting this idea that she expects any involvement or interest from you?

I’m not disputing that this woman was an absolute cow towards you. But you seem to think all her actions - even her own wedding - are an attempt to get at you. That’s actually really unhealthy.

To respond to the people commented above. These people would/and still do laugh at me and make fun of any and everything I do. If I got a hobby and they found out, they would spend most of their time laughing and mocking me and trying to take away my joy, which is what they always do and will always do. They don’t want me to be happy, they want me to be alone, isolated and upset all the time.

Whenever I found new friends they wouldn’t act happy and would start ignoring me to show their discontent. If I got a boyfriend, it’s okay for them but not for me, if I do it it’s a problem. If I got married you bet they’d be talking about me and mocking me behind my back (as always), yet I’m always expected to let them be happy. Always expecting me to let them carry on as they please but not me or else they’d make fun of me. Yes they insert themselves in my life even now and want to know information about me via my family while making sure I know nothing about their lives. This is how they’ve always been

@WomanStanleyWoman

No I meant I find it odd that she didn’t even want me to know she was dating this guy so why post it on social media when you get married, knowing that I would see it. Why even get married if you don’t want your relationship known publicly to others? If I wanted to keep my relationship a secret, no one would even know and I wouldn’t even get married or post it on a public account, it seems attention seeking. Like don’t ask me about it but I’ll post it online so you know, but don’t ask me about it because I’m coy teeheeheee. It doesn’t make sense

But as I said, there’s a big difference between not actively telling you about it and some big conspiracy to specifically stop you from finding out. She didn’t tell you because you’re not her friend. She got married and put the pictures on social media because she wanted to. She isn’t posting because she knows you’ll see it - in fact, given you haven’t been friends in years, she probably doesn’t even know you’re looking at her social media. And not looking would actually be a fantastic idea.

And if she doesn’t value me then why are we (the general public) expected to value her and her relationship? so she deserves respect but she doesn’t want to give it to others

But you’re NOT expected to do that. Her marriage has nothing to do with you. You weren’t invited, she doesn’t speak to you - where are you getting this idea that she expects any involvement or interest from you?

I’m not disputing that this woman was an absolute cow towards you. But you seem to think all her actions - even her own wedding - are an attempt to get at you. That’s actually really unhealthy.

Marriage is a public event. People get married because they want their relationship to be acknowledged (and respected) by others. If not they wouldn’t get married or publicly acknowledge their relationship

[quote Cocomarine]@sagaz “occasional small talk” - I’m putting money on them all being in the same fairly inward facing church community, something to explain the level of contact and them all still being in each other’s lives. Totally agree with your post, great advice.[/quote]
I think you’re right. It would also explain why OP feels she is expected to ‘respect’ the marriage, and that the bully is now somehow more valued than she is.

Marriage is a public event. People get married because they want their relationship to be acknowledged (and respected) by others. If not they wouldn’t get married or publicly acknowledge their relationship

So nothing to do with being in love?

In any case, they may want people to respect their marriage, but it doesn’t mean it will happen. You don’t have to acknowledge the marriage at all. Silence is a perfectly acceptable option.

I'm sorry that you were treated so badly in your teens. It sounds like you did go to uni and presumably have carved out a life for yourself since then.
Do not give this person any more headspace. You say you're not interested in her but she is posting her wedding on social media. Why are you seeing it? Block her and any of her associates so you don't have to look.
Contact each of your siblings and tell them not to even mention her name in your presence. Ask them if they have any loyalty to you to also block her or if she starts speaking to them to blank her. It will at least give her a taste of her own medicine.
You mentioned her attending the same church as you. There's nothing Christian whatsoever about her if she thinks she is justified in her treatment of you because she thinks you're undeserving of respect. Maybe you could talk to your Church leader in private. That's part of their vocation, helping people in difficult situations.
Unless you live in some tiny village why on earth do you know or are even interested that people she didn't like at school went to her wedding. It would be a very expensive conspiracy to invite these folk just to make a further slight against you.
Waste no more of your time and energy thinking about her or you will continue to allow her to spoil your life.
You deserve better.