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Original poster

To want someone to help me understand why someone could act like this

156 replies

DunnoWgy · 10/09/2021 23:45

So there is this person I was friends with, since childhood.

Background:
Bare in mind she came to me because I was new, didn’t know anyone in the new school but we knew each other because we lived in the same neighbourhood. Anyway, when I joined the same school as her, I was usually by myself because I didn’t know anyone, so she would usually invite me to be around her and her friends so I wouldn’t be in my own. Anyway I became integrated (kind of in their friendship group) and (I thought) we all became friends then carried on this way throughout school and our childhood really.

Anyway fast forward to sixth form, we are all 17/18 years old. She meets a guy and starts dating him, she tells everyone else, including some new girl that recently just joined the little group but not me. I’m the only one who wasn’t told anything, they all would hang out without me, not speak to me and I was essentially kicked out of their little group. I accepted it, stayed away from them, and didn’t speak to them either because they didn’t want to speak to me and I wasn’t going to beg. Eventually, they started being openly nasty to me, intimidating me, saying horrible things about me, laughing at me when I walked past them, shouting things at me to mock me when I was walking to the bus stop on the way home. This particular girl I am posting about said things like, “ask [my name] why she’s here” then making fun of me if I responded, also would prompt the other girls in the group to be mean to me by coming up to me to ask me what I was studying in university then laughing at me when I answered.

Anyway, so we were not friends I thought. This happened to me for no reason at all. Fast forward to today we are in our early twenties and she married this guy she met back then in sixth form, only reason I know is because I was told about this from one of the other girls in the group (who pretends none of this went on). I look at the pictures they uploaded and I’m the only one not invited to this wedding, she invited everyone else from school, meanwhile I was right there when she met this guy but made such an effort to keep me so far removed from this guy to the point that I didn’t even know she was dating someone. Anyway this person I’m describing doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with their behaviour because they keep talking to my siblings whenever they see them and I don’t know why, if you don’t like me then why are you speaking to members of my siblings? So I confronted her about everything she did to me but she claims her conscience is clear (Confused).

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 15:53

I got married because I wanted my then boyfriend to be able to inherit my estate on death tax favourably 🤷🏻‍♀️.
It’s a public declaration to some, and a practical legal event to others.

Blackkbird · 11/09/2021 15:55

No I meant I find it odd that she didn’t even want me to know she was dating this guy so why post it on social media when you get married, knowing that I would see it. Why even get married if you don’t want your relationship known publicly to others?

I'm finding your way of thinking very odd here. Especially the "knowing I would see it", as if you think she's posted it on SM specifically so that YOU see it.

It sounds more likely that you're not even on her radar anymore, that it hasn't even occurred to her that you would be thinking like this.

You're not friends. Therefore you're not invited to her wedding. You haven't hung out in years. She's posted on SM that she's getting married- as most people would.

None of this is about you op. You probably haven't even crossed her mind. Let it go! It sounds like you've developed a strange obsession over her.

Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 15:55

@DunnoWgy will you explain why you’re following her on social media?

Kanaloa · 11/09/2021 15:57

They don’t want me to be happy, they want me to be alone, isolated and upset all the time.

If that’s true then you’re doing a fantastic job of helping them. Your obsession with them is what gives them the power to make you feel hurt/isolated/upset. As a teenager at school you can’t escape them but you’re in your twenties, presumably not much younger than me! I wouldn’t know half my old schoolmates if I passed them in the street.

What do you do? Are you at uni/do you work? I think you need to start working on your adult life and not obsessing over your school days.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 11/09/2021 16:01

@DunnoWgy

To respond to the people commented above. These people would/and still do laugh at me and make fun of any and everything I do. If I got a hobby and they found out, they would spend most of their time laughing and mocking me and trying to take away my joy, which is what they always do and will always do. They don’t want me to be happy, they want me to be alone, isolated and upset all the time.

Whenever I found new friends they wouldn’t act happy and would start ignoring me to show their discontent. If I got a boyfriend, it’s okay for them but not for me, if I do it it’s a problem. If I got married you bet they’d be talking about me and mocking me behind my back (as always), yet I’m always expected to let them be happy. Always expecting me to let them carry on as they please but not me or else they’d make fun of me. Yes they insert themselves in my life even now and want to know information about me via my family while making sure I know nothing about their lives. This is how they’ve always been

Of course they didn't act happy when you had other friends and boyfriends. Because she doesn't like you. You still sound like you are 16 and at school!

And what do you mean, if you had a hobby they would tease you about it? How? You don't see each other or speak to each other. How would she be mean to you?

CallMeNutribullet · 11/09/2021 16:02

They did a nasty thing to you in school and you're no longer friends but you're also an adult now and it's weird to still carry it around

Ayeayeayeaye · 11/09/2021 16:08

You sound massively paranoid. I don’t believe for a second she kept her boyfriend from you, you admit you weren’t friends why would she go out her way to tell you?

Yes it was mean of her to befriend you then become an arsehole. Some teens are just arseholes.

Why would she invite you to her wedding you aren’t friends?

She’s obviously friends with your siblings.

You really need some counselling if you carry this as much as it sounds.

godmum56 · 11/09/2021 16:13

I think the trope about "I need to understand why x did y" is not very useful.....I mean they did it and it obvs hurt or upset or annoyed the person who is asking....so is knowing the why going to make them less hurt or less angry? I doubt it. People behave like shite. It happens. Divest yourself of them and move on.

Cam2020 · 11/09/2021 16:21

They were being silly little girls. The number of posts on SM I see from adults blasting bullies, when they themselves were pretty awful to others at school leads to believe that some of these have some sort of amnesia when it comes to their own previously poor behaviour!

What happenend was horrible, but you really need to move on from it now, you're giving them way more power than they deserve. You've moved on to bigger and better things.

Cam2020 · 11/09/2021 16:25

Do you live in a village or very small community? I'm don't really get why they still know so much about your life to tbe extent they still mock you?

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 11/09/2021 16:28

@Cam2020

Do you live in a village or very small community? I'm don't really get why they still know so much about your life to tbe extent they still mock you?
No, apparently she lives in a city! I think OP has a victim complex and has been badly burnt by bullying. She needs therapy. And maybe move to a new place and get rid of social media.
Sagaz · 11/09/2021 16:31

@Ayeayeayeaye

You sound massively paranoid. I don’t believe for a second she kept her boyfriend from you, you admit you weren’t friends why would she go out her way to tell you?

Yes it was mean of her to befriend you then become an arsehole. Some teens are just arseholes.

Why would she invite you to her wedding you aren’t friends?

She’s obviously friends with your siblings.

You really need some counselling if you carry this as much as it sounds.

How completely invalidating Confused The op has been through this and you're telling her that your interpretation of events is more likely.
Sagaz · 11/09/2021 16:32

Scapegoating covert narcissists DO exist and they behave the way they behave because it makes them feel superior.

Winemewhynot · 11/09/2021 16:37

When did this all happen OP??

Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 16:46

@Winemewhynot

When did this all happen OP??
It’s in the OP.
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/09/2021 17:08

It sounds as if you need a bit of real life support. Is there anyone in your family you can talk to who actually knows the people and background?

I think you need to speak to tell family member who interacts with her to stop discussing you with her and her mates. What you do is NONE of her business. I think you should ask your siblings why they keep discussing you with her and her mates.
If they don't agree to stop you should take a big step back from all of them.

It would have been strange if she hadn't shared her wedding news publicly. Block her and her friends on social media and don't read up on them any more.

You speak as if you are trapped in the same circles as her. But you are not. Someone said you could speak to a church leader about this, if you feel they would be helpful. Or failing that if church is important to you, could you go to a different church? Do things that don't involve these people. If you enjoy a hobby then carry on with it. Don't let the comments of others dictate your life?

Do you work? have an income? Focus on ways you can develop your own independence bit by bit

Winemewhynot · 11/09/2021 17:17

Ah early twenties I missed that, so you fell out around 7/8 years ago? I really think you need to let this go OP, it’s not healthy.

Ayeayeayeaye · 11/09/2021 18:19

@Sagaz a completely improbable situation created through the eyes of paranoia does not and should not be validated.

Original poster
DunnoWgy · 11/09/2021 18:52

I hope this is the last I’ll see and hear of them.

I’ve deleted my social media accounts, blocked them on everything and I hope to never hear about them ever from my family. I’ve told my siblings to stop speaking to me about those people because I don’t want to hear about them anymore.

done is done Grin

Now onto my life Flowers

OP posts:
TheNinny · 11/09/2021 18:54

I had someone who didn’t like me, try and act all pally with my siblings and parents. Think they thought it would annoy me even more if my family liked her. Also, they are less likely to take your side if you tell them what’s she’s done if they think she’s a good person. My mum saw through it but would still be nice/polite to them. And yes, I found it infuriating but never showed it would get to me.

Gazelda · 11/09/2021 19:06

@DunnoWgy

I hope this is the last I’ll see and hear of them.

I’ve deleted my social media accounts, blocked them on everything and I hope to never hear about them ever from my family. I’ve told my siblings to stop speaking to me about those people because I don’t want to hear about them anymore.

done is done Grin

Now onto my life Flowers

Well done OP. I think you've done exactly the right thing to help you close this chapter and move forward as a stronger person. Do you have people you enjoy spending time with to help keep you distracted from your former bullies?
Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 19:06

That’s great! Well done you 👍🏻
Why did you have her on SM anyway?

Cocomarine · 11/09/2021 19:06

Will you still see her at church?

ButterflyAway · 11/09/2021 19:12

You sound very unstable atm @DunnoWgy, have you sought counselling for this? Bullying doesn’t mean you have to be a victim for life, counselling really helps Flowers

slashlover · 11/09/2021 20:53

No I meant I find it odd that she didn’t even want me to know she was dating this guy so why post it on social media when you get married, knowing that I would see it. Why even get married if you don’t want your relationship known publicly to others? If I wanted to keep my relationship a secret, no one would even know and I wouldn’t even get married or post it on a public account, it seems attention seeking. Like don’t ask me about it but I’ll post it online so you know, but don’t ask me about it because I’m coy teeheeheee. It doesn’t make sense

Because she's not thinking about you now and really doesn't care if you know or don't know. You seem to believe that her actions are designed to upset/annoy you. It's been what? Four or five years? Things change.

To respond to the people commented above. These people would/and still do laugh at me and make fun of any and everything I do. If I got a hobby and they found out, they would spend most of their time laughing and mocking me and trying to take away my joy, which is what they always do and will always do. They don’t want me to be happy, they want me to be alone, isolated and upset all the time.

How do you know this? You haven't known her for 5 years, you didn't even know she was getting married.