Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

[MrsBede]

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

@KaycePollard

Do you say that to divorced men who paid out sahms?

Did you miss the bit where the OP said that her supposedly SAHP ex husband considered HER to be the main carer and expected her to do most of the domestic labour of child care and housework even though she worked full time?

You’re getting a really hard time here @MrsBede maybe from women who think that anything a man does domestically deserves a standing ovation.

But your DC will see through their father’s selfish laziness.

And how did she do that if she was working ft? He cared for the children while she was working ft. Clearly a court agreed the settlement. Him coming into money now years later changes nothing.

I don't agree he deserves a standing ovation. I simply believe he should be treated in the same way as a female sahp for settlement purposes. That's all I'm saying.

Thanks for understanding what I'm saying 'TatianaBis* .

I'm getting a bit sick of the selective reading on here and saying if he was a woman it would be different is ridiculous. If a woman behaved exactly like him I'd say the same, but most don't. I've read threads on here about sahms wanting to leave and being anxious about how they will support their kids, squirreling money away etc. He merrily strolled out without a thought for that into a shared house where they couldn't stay. He had no desire whatsoever to be the rp. He did not give up work to be a sahp - for a while the p/t work that fitted in with it continued then he lost that and did nothing to replace it. When I had a year off to have ds2 he refused to work and focused instead on his band. We got into debt. When he left he did get quite a decent job but I didn't ask for any money as we were adjusting to being split and I didn't want to rock the boat. However, then the novelty wore off and he lost the job and employment has been sporadic ever since, He is not the typical sahp.

This 'if he was a woman' is tiresome and ignores a large portion of the facts. I don't think he owes me from when he was a sahp but it's disgusting that he made no effort to pay for the 6 years after that and I don't think anyone would condone a woman doing that either unless her husband had been abusive leaving her with mental health issues or something. That isn't the case here.

I worry all the time about paying for uni and if he would email me saying 'I've come into some money and am putting some aside for boys' uni' I would be absolutely delighted. He won't though and may well piss what he has up the wall by then and I will have to fund it myself then hand him over £10 k immediately after. But yeah, if he was a woman everyone would say that was fine.

HandScreen You are projecting.

If a woman inherited 250k there is no way on god's green earth anyone would think that her ex no longer owed her money. None at all. We all know that. Because it's a seperate issue.

And yes, it would be great if he paid for uni but you cannot force him. And yes it's very crap he paid no maintenance but unless you raised it with cms at the time there is nothing you can do about it now.

You know he is shit. You're jealous he's come into money but you're for some reason expecting him to completely change? Why? People like that don't change. You're only torturing yourself.

The reason she has to pay him out is BECAUSE he was a sahp. The rest is irrelevant to the settlement.

No, the reason I had to pay him out was because we were married and the assets of the marriage had to be split. He got just under 50% because he didn't want the pension and my solicitor said the judge would have been okay with that because the children were mainly with me and they are the priority. He would have got that had he been working. Sahps aren't entitled to a windfall for that or to be supported after, though they are of course entitled to a portion of the assets. Sahps are expected to support themselves after the marriage unless the spouse was absolutely loaded or other extenuating circumstances, of which there were none in our case.

but unless you raised it with cms at the time there is nothing you can do about it now.

I raised it about 4 years ago and they won't chase arrears. Sorry, but you're an apologist for shit fathers.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I’m well aware how settlements work for SAHP. Generally the SAHP can go for primary custody. But he didn’t. Because he wasn’t so much a SAHP by choice as couldn’t be arsed to get a job. He didn’t want to look after his kids FT.

OP did the graft of primary carer/domestic work while working FT.

@MrsBede

but unless you raised it with cms at the time there is nothing you can do about it now.

I raised it about 4 years ago and they won't chase arrears. Sorry, but you're an apologist for shit fathers.

No, I'm not I just know how the CMS works. I know they won't chase arrears because my own mother is still owed money from when I was a child. I'm being realistic. Does it help you for people to lie and say yes you can definitely get this money? No. It doesn't. If you want to believe you can then fine but you simply won't get it.

I'm not saying it's right but it's true.

[quote TatianaBis]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I’m well aware how settlements work for SAHP. Generally the SAHP can go for primary custody. But he didn’t. Because he wasn’t so much a SAHP by choice as couldn’t be arsed to get a job. He didn’t want to look after his kids FT.

OP did the graft of primary carer/domestic work while working FT.[/quote]
Again now can she have done child care when she wasn't physically there?

@MrsBede

The reason she has to pay him out is BECAUSE he was a sahp. The rest is irrelevant to the settlement.

No, the reason I had to pay him out was because we were married and the assets of the marriage had to be split. He got just under 50% because he didn't want the pension and my solicitor said the judge would have been okay with that because the children were mainly with me and they are the priority. He would have got that had he been working. Sahps aren't entitled to a windfall for that or to be supported after, though they are of course entitled to a portion of the assets. Sahps are expected to support themselves after the marriage unless the spouse was absolutely loaded or other extenuating circumstances, of which there were none in our case.

Yes, but sahps are entitled to earnings of the marriage. Which this is. I expect if you'd been SAHP you'd have expected to get it. And rightly so.

Ive been a SAHP for a stretch when my kids were small. But I didn’t refuse to return to work, have an affair, then have patchy work history of continually leaving and being let go from jobs, and failing to pay for my kids for 6 years.

This. People should read the Op’s posts. Her ex sounds like a self-centred workshy cadger.

@KaycePollard

Ive been a SAHP for a stretch when my kids were small. But I didn’t refuse to return to work, have an affair, then have patchy work history of continually leaving and being let go from jobs, and failing to pay for my kids for 6 years.

This. People should read the Op’s posts. Her ex sounds like a self-centred workshy cadger.

Nobody is disputing that. But that doesn't mean it should be taken out on his children, nor does it mean money owed to him should not be paid.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I didn’t say she did all the childcare - clearly she didn’t when she was at work. But she did everything else.

There’s far more to SAHParenting than childminding, which to OP’s ex, includes leaving DS2 on his phone for hours.

Nobody is disputing that. But that doesn't mean it should be taken out on his children, nor does it mean money owed to him should not be paid.

What of the money owed to OP? She will never see that again.

I think if this is so triggering to you you should just gey an agreed court order for holidays and contact. I personally think you are over reacting. You have just said he has come in to a substantial amount of money; this illustrates he did not have the money previously. Also how are the kids going to get to know his friends if they don't hang out? The kids aren't babies. One child doesn't want to go because of isolation not because of the dad.

You know he is shit. You're jealous he's come into money but you're for some reason expecting him to completely change? Why? People like that don't change. You're only torturing yourself.

But why are people attacking @MrsBede. We can all see from the facts she’s laid out, what a shyster her ex was and is.

Can’t we support her with practical ways to negotiate this with her DC and their waste of space father.

What has worked with selfish exes in your experiences wise women of MN?

(I had a father a bit like the OP’s ex. I don’t see him any more. His loss)

@TatianaBis

Nobody is disputing that. But that doesn't mean it should be taken out on his children, nor does it mean money owed to him should not be paid.

What of the money owed to OP? She will never see that again.

If I had an answer how she could recover it I would give it, but knowing how shit the CMS are I can't.

Yes, she should get it but there is no way to do that. Again nobody is saying it's right, but I don't believe in giving false hope.

[quote TatianaBis]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I didn’t say she did all the childcare - clearly she didn’t when she was at work. But she did everything else.

There’s far more to SAHParenting than childminding, which to OP’s ex, includes leaving DS2 on his phone for hours.[/quote]
I agree but the court has ordered the payment and there's nothing to be done about that is there?

@KaycePollard

You know he is shit. You're jealous he's come into money but you're for some reason expecting him to completely change? Why? People like that don't change. You're only torturing yourself.

But why are people attacking @MrsBede. We can all see from the facts she’s laid out, what a shyster her ex was and is.

Can’t we support her with practical ways to negotiate this with her DC and their waste of space father.

What has worked with selfish exes in your experiences wise women of MN?

(I had a father a bit like the OP’s ex. I don’t see him any more. His loss)

So did I and my advice is to stop dwelling. I don't see my father either. This children may well go the same way. My mum didn't get bitter, she pitied him. He didn't come in to any money however. The thing is you can't change these people and you're only hurting yourself. I'm not saying drop it because I think he's in the right, I don't. I'm sauing drop it because op could torture herself for years about the unfairness of it all but nothing will change and the only one hurting is op.

People like this don't change. You can't reason with them.

I for one am greatful that my mum didn't try and influence me. She let me make my own decisions regarding my dad, and I did. I think op should do the same. Let them have the opportunity to see what their dad is really like. Not going that risks them resenting op which of course is not he desired outcome.

No, I'm not I just know how the CMS works. I know they won't chase arrears because my own mother is still owed money from when I was a child. I'm being realistic. Does it help you for people to lie and say yes you can definitely get this money? No. It doesn't. If you want to believe you can then fine but you simply won't get it.

Well, why did you say I wouldn't get the money unless I had put a claim in if you know that putting a claim in does not guarantee getting the money? I haven't said I want people to lie about it. But I'm saying it's completely unfair, which it is. I know I can't get the arrears and that I'll have to hand over the £10k and I think that's wrong given that he now has a very substantial sum of money, especially as so far there is no sign that he intends to use it for the benefit of the dc. There's nothing I can do about it, no, hence the need for a venting thread, which this is partly turning into. It's appalling. There is no appetite in this country for making nrps (who are mainly, but not exclusively, men) pay for their children.

As a sahp he was okay - especially with ds1 as it was a novelty then. He did a lot of housework to be fair but I wanted to make sure my job didn't stop me being as close as possible to my kids so I went in at 6am so I could usually leave by 4. I took over everything at weekends and holidays and that suited us both. By the time he was home with both of them when ds2 was a toddler the novelty had well and truly worn off and he started the affair with ds2 in the house, as I've said. He didn't take ds2 to any of the groups etc like he had done with ds1.

It doesn't guarantee it but it stands to reason that if you haven't claimed you've no chance. If you have claimed you've a small chance.

@MrsBede

Look. The money he has come into now is seperate. It's his money. It's got nothing to do with you. It has no impact what so ever on the money you owe him for your marriage. They are entirely seperate issues.

Equally as wrong as it may be I can't imagine it will have any affect on CMS either.

I get that it's hard. He's come into money when he's been a total shit. But this inheritance is a seperate issue. You still owe him money from your marriage.

If it was the opposite way around would you write it off? I wouldnt.

All agreed he is a twat.

But the question of holiday has nothing to do with whether he took dc to toddlers group or tge divorce settlement.

If the dc waNt to go they go.

Or Let them discuss with dad why not. Help them build their case but they tell dad

Support their decision.
They now old enough to arrange contact and holidays with him themselves certainly the 14 year old

"Especially as I will be dealing with the consequences if they have to isolate"

It's things like this that make it sound as if you're grasping at straws. That and the "reconnecting" stuff. You're a teacher, you get a decent amount of time with the kids. Never work nights, never work Christmas, share the same holiday schedule as them. Im not putting my job on here but seriously, reconnecting?

What will you actually have to do if they isolate? You won't need to do anything other than tell them to stay at home.

Well you're right obviously, that there's nothing I can do about it and it wasn't the main point of the thread anyway. I can't imagine being in that situation as I support my children anyway. To put it another way, if I came into a large sum of money so that I didn't have to worry about money anymore I would definitely give up thinking about it and wouldn't bring up uni costs with him. It's just because I have to worry about all this stuff and he doesn't, rather than the money itself.

Sorry, that was to Getourarseoffthequattro