Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

[MrsBede]

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

In your position, I'd say yes happily, then sit back and watch him fail.

If he doesn't, the kids get a one off lovely holiday with their dad - excellent! If he does, well, at least you won't have to deal with this again... However, that would be everything on him: they need to isolate after? He facilitates it. Need a passport? He organises it. DS1 needs convincing? He does it. Holiday clothes? He provides them.

I wouldn't be helping a useless wanker who had been nothing but shit to me, but nor would I prevent the DC having a rare holiday with their father. All those necessary holiday jobs come under 'helping a useless wanker'.

Chances are, if he has genuinely arranged 2 weeks of the DC watching him socialse in a crap area with nothing to do and no one they know, they won't want to go away with him again anyway.

I really do think this is a situation to just smile nicely and let natural concequences fall into place...

I really don't understand why you wanted this thread. Was it because you were anticipating everyone to agree with you? 80% of posters are telling you YABU but you're still arguing back.

You sound extremely bitter towards your ex-husband and you are punishing your children as a result. Let DS2 go alone if he wants to or try to negotiate to 1 week or 10 days instead. If you continue this behaviour your children will grow to get fed up of it and being to resent you.

He's their dad for Christ's sake, not a stranger.

Could he not go for 1 week? Smsll compromise and build some bridges with the kids.

“I’m not going to allow this.”
“I don’t see how he could stop me doing the same thing.”

What on Earth is your thinking around this, OP? You can stop him but he can’t stop you? How do you think this could possibly be the situation?

If you don’t consent to him taking the children away he might go to court (which should always be a last resort but when people are being so unreasonable…) and I can’t imagine you’d come off best given what I see on this thread. And, of course, legally he also needs to consent to you taking the children abroad, so it’s worth remembering that.

You have equal legal parental responsibility and you don’t get to make unilateral decisions like this. You sound very controlling.

By the way for the people who are thinking the kids may not enjoy it, we went to Italy a few years ago for a wedding, were worried as not a family friendly place, nobody their age and nothing for them to do and it's still now quoted AHEAD OF EURODISNEY as our best holiday ever!!!!!

If they go and it's boring that's his problem not yours. Likewise if they have to quarantine on return they will have to stay with him. I can see he's an absolute waste of space but don't feel you have to facilitate this holiday, if it happens.

If they want to go, I'd let them go...

How many people on this thread know what the existing child arrangements order is for this particular family? Anyone? If the current arrangements are that they have half the holidays then neither parent would be unreasonable to say no to the full holidays being spent with one parent.

Aren’t summer holidays in England 6 weeks? Why can’t a parent who shares the holidays with their ex not plan a 2 week trip abroad during their 3 weeks in the summer holidays? Wouldn’t that be more reasonable?

For those saying the courts would rule against the Op, I think the courts would take into consideration the existing arrangements of having half the holidays each. Which is completely fair.

When it comes to expecting a parent to be flexible with the child arrangements I think that relies on developing trust, and a mutually respectful relationship with the co parent and the children. Also, giving sufficient notice! What about plans the Op may have already made with the kids for her half of the holidays with them. What, she’s supposed to just give them up is she?

It doesn’t come across as if MrsBede’s ex husband has been trustworthy or respectful in the past. I wouldn’t blame her for being unwilling to compromise on or be flexible with the existing child arrangements surrounding access. I would blame him. If he wants her to be flexible and give up her holiday week with the kids then he needs to treat her and the kids a lot better than what he has.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a pretty good co parenting relationship with my ex. We both put in the effort to maintain a good relationship for our child. We will even be flexible with each other. But that ability to be flexible is because we both have worked hard to have a good parenting relationship, to be on good terms, to be friends.

If my ex was like the Op’s ex then I would probably stick with the formal child arrangements agreement and be less willing to be flexible.

Private schools generally have eight weeks summer holidays and two weeks for half term.

It doesn’t come across as if MrsBede’s ex husband has been trustworthy or respectful in the past

He was trustworthy enough to do the lion’s share of childcare when he was a SAHP.

@Blossomtoes was he? How do you know that?

Advanced search is a wonderful thing. I remembered it from a previous thread and checked that I was right.

@Blossomtoes

It doesn’t come across as if MrsBede’s ex husband has been trustworthy or respectful in the past

He was trustworthy enough to do the lion’s share of childcare when he was a SAHP.

Oh, ffs, op Get a bloody grip of yourself.

Italy is a lovely place to go. Especially if there is family there. Teens, if fed and watered, will be fine. Mine have been to Italy every summer and love it. The Italians like youngsters.

He was sahp before we split so no financial contribution and he made it very clear he would not be primary carer as he said himself that was actually me, despite the fact that I worked f/t. Ds2 was five when we split and tensions were rising as ex was on about doing further study rather than returning to work, though it was his infidelity that actually broke us - it took place in our house with ds2 behind a stairgate btw.

@Blossomtoes was it this pp by the op? I bolded the relevant parts that tells me that even though he was a sahp, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he was trustworthy or respectful.

@NoHunGosh

I think you are right to be concerned. All over 12s need proof of vaccination to do anything in Italy now - enter museums, galleries, bars, restaurants, swimming pools, cinemas, local fairs etc Not a lot of fun if your kids are unvaccinated. Add in the fact that airlines are continually cancelling/rescheduling flights, then there is a fair chance that they would end up missing school (my family have just had to extend their trip from 2 weeks to 1 month because of their return flight being cancelled and no other availability). It's nice that your ex wants to take them on holiday but I don't think half-term in Italy would be the right choice.

Or a negative LFT. Available in pop up tents all over every city. €8.

@endofthelinefinally

I didn't know the rules about vaccination in Italy. It does sound as if there won't be much they will be allowed to do in that case. Maybe that needs a bit more research.

LFT is fine.

It proves that he was responsible enough to do most of the childcare. I’m assuming the refusal to be primary carer was at the time of separation and he didn’t want to be the resident parent. Of course I could be wrong.

The point is there are two sides to every story and we’re only getting OP’s. I think judging him as irresponsible and incapable of competent parenting is pretty unfair.

Can totally relate to this however the roles are reversed.

I could never afford to take my kids away, struggled financially etc and always did my best to be respectful of DS's fathers role.

ExP however would offer my DS a better alternative if I did make plans. Soon enough DS could see how his father manipulated him and the most heartbreaking sentence my DS ever said to me (age 10) is "I don't want to see him anymore, he loves me but he hates you more".

DS cut all contact and 11 years later have no relationship.

OP you can't make the decision for them. Give them all of the info (type of holiday etc) for them to make an informed decision by themselves. Encourage a positive relationship with their father and if either side doesn't want to then be their mum and someone they can open up to.

Your kids will NOT thank you for making things difficult for grudges you hold.

Reconnect tho

Slight tangent here - but the husband was an sahp for the hardest years when they weren't at school(leaving aside if he was crap or not) - and only gets £10k for his contribution then to the house?

Whatever you think about your ex is irrelevant here. This is about your DC being offered a holiday and to spend time with their Dad.

If you can't separate the feeling of (probably entirely justified) resentment you have for your ex from your DCs need for a good relationship with their Dad you are going to sour your own relationship with them.

Don't make this all about you and your bitterness. A two week holiday in Italy for two teenagers is a great opportunity for them.
Don't you want your kids to experience travel and different cultures?

I was a sahp parent before my split with dd’s dad. But even I wouldn’t feel entitled to deny my ex his share of the school holidays.

I would arrange a two week holiday during my share of the summer holidays, when it doesn’t take any of the holidays away from my ex to spend with our kids.

I bet if a dad complained that his ex wanted the kids for the whole 2 weeks holiday to take them abroad when they usually had half of each holiday with the kids, most posters would be on his side. They would be calling her a bitch for not organising it in the longer summer holidays, for denying him quality time with the kids during the holidays.

I stand by what I posted earlier, most of the responses here are misogynistic.

Yabu. Everything else has been said.

Will DS have any holiday homework to do? That is also a Factor.

Hundreds of children go away in school holidays.
All manage to deal with this.
Any decent school won't be setting a ton of homework to be done over the holidays - they should recognise it is holiday time and it is there for a reason.

This aspect should not be a reason not to go on holiday in October half term.