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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
KaycePollard · 12/09/2021 07:09

he paid no CM for 6 years and then started paying £130 per month after being taken to court. He buys them nothing and has sent them home in filthy/outgrown/season inappropriate clothing as he won't buy any. Yes I'm bitter.

You’re not bitter, you’re justifiably and reasonably annoyed at his appalling parenting and his selfishness.

Feelingoktoday · 12/09/2021 07:48

@KaycePollard

he paid no CM for 6 years and then started paying £130 per month after being taken to court. He buys them nothing and has sent them home in filthy/outgrown/season inappropriate clothing as he won't buy any. Yes I'm bitter.

You’re not bitter, you’re justifiably and reasonably annoyed at his appalling parenting and his selfishness.

If for most of the marriage he was a stay at home parent and now has a minimum pay job and is paying rent I’m not sure how much £ he has left. He sounds a poor parent but I don’t think we can comment on how much he pays.
CassandraTrotter · 12/09/2021 07:59

If for most of the marriage he was a stay at home parent and now has a minimum pay job and is paying rent I’m not sure how much £ he has left. He sounds a poor parent but I don’t think we can comment on how much he pays.
Maybe he could use some of the £250k inheritance he received???

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 09:04

Were we told how much the inheritance is or has someone just made that up? I don’t remember seeing it mentioned.

How very convenient that your son has saved the day @MrsBede. Does he always rule the roost or just when he agrees with you?

Wole · 12/09/2021 09:17

You sound a bit jealous of his inheritance. Maybe remember that someone has died.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/09/2021 09:32

@CassandraTrotter

If for most of the marriage he was a stay at home parent and now has a minimum pay job and is paying rent I’m not sure how much £ he has left. He sounds a poor parent but I don’t think we can comment on how much he pays. Maybe he could use some of the £250k inheritance he received???
There is no legal imperative for him to do that. It's clear he's trying to spend some of it on his children, only op doesn't want him to spend it in that way.
Original poster
MrsBede · 12/09/2021 09:48

If for most of the marriage he was a stay at home parent and now has a minimum pay job and is paying rent I’m not sure how much £ he has left. He sounds a poor parent but I don’t think we can comment on how much he pays.

I get this to an extent and have always known that I would always be the main breadwinner. However, paying nothing for 6 years was inexcusable and his attitude was 'you have more money, why on earth should I pay?' I mean, maybe I should take that stance now?! He even genuinely thought I would be giving him money for the days he had the dc when when we first split. He has a habit of giving up relatively well-paid jobs when they get boring, make him feel like he's 'selling out' or turn out to be full of 'arseholes' Hmm. He had school holiday work teaching English for academic purposes at our local uni - it was great pay for few hours, fitted with my job and he did it for years. Then they mysteriously stopped inviting him back and I have always suspected something inappropriate happened with a teacher or student even. I'll never know though. After we split he got a cover supervisor role - again okay pay, great hours etc. He gave it up as the boss was an 'arsehole' and tried to cover up an overpayment he received so can't even go through the agency again. He's a total nightmare with money and it gets very very draining knowing I am the one who always has to provide everything and keep on with my job f/t no matter how stressful and exhausting I'm starting to find it because he will never ever step up.

Were we told how much the inheritance is or has someone just made that up?

I gave that figure though I don't actually know how much he got but he is in the process of buying a house outright for about £200k and clearly seems to have other money now. But it might be a bit less than £250k, though it also could be more.

How very convenient that your son has saved the day @MrsBede. Does he always rule the roost or just when he agrees with you?

If you don't believe me why bother coming on the thread? I've said why he doesn't want to go and he doesn't 'rule the roost' but obviously does get a say in where and when he holidays at his age, yes.

You sound a bit jealous of his inheritance. Maybe remember that someone has died.

Tell me that in my position you wouldn't feel a bit off that he is suddenly loaded, especially as he's still not using it to provide for the children in any meaningful way. You'd be perfectly happy still saving up the £10k for him, would you? As for someone having died, yes, and I am sorry. It was his df and he died on a Thursday. That Saturday he took the dc to view the house he is buying. He must have been scrolling though Rightmove at the hospital bed...

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 12/09/2021 09:51

I'm trying really hard to imagine the circumstances under which my own also studious and conscientious DS14 would be refusing a 2 week half term holiday to Italy with his Dad....

Original poster
MrsBede · 12/09/2021 09:56

Shock 'Mum in 'all kids not the the same' shock discovery' reads the headline....

I mean, you could read the circumstances I've outlined on here. Those are the ones in which he doesn't want to go.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 09:56

@ChequerBoard

I'm trying really hard to imagine the circumstances under which my own also studious and conscientious DS14 would be refusing a 2 week half term holiday to Italy with his Dad....
One of my sons refused a ski trip for the same reasons. I would have gone personally, but he thought it would be distracting. Quite apart from the pandemic angle that if he catches Covid or Italy suddenly goes red list he will miss even more school.
TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 10:02

I’m not sure why you’re getting such a hard time OP. It’s galling that someone you had to pay to get rid of, who declined to pay for his kids for 6 years comes into a windfall yet will never pay back what he owed and still may continue not to pay his way going forward.

HandScreen · 12/09/2021 10:04

Jesus, YAB massively U

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/09/2021 10:06

@TatianaBis

I’m not sure why you’re getting such a hard time OP. It’s galling that someone you had to pay to get rid of, who declined to pay for his kids for 6 years comes into a windfall yet will never pay back what he owed and still may continue not to pay his way going forward.
Pay to get rid of?

Do you say that to divorced men who paid out sahms?

Somehow I bet you don't. The double standards on here are amazing.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/09/2021 10:07

You'd be perfectly happy still saving up the £10k for him, would you?

Er yes because I'd still owe him that! It's nothing to do with what he's now got. Why on earth do you think you shouldn't pay him back?

HandScreen · 12/09/2021 10:08

@MrsBede

you said that a kid had no valid passport....hence the abroad question

Yes, no valid one, in that he has an old one that I'm not renewing until travel abroad looks like a risk-free option.

Jesus. You are out of control.
TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 10:13

Pay to get rid of?

I’d say that to anyone with a workshy self indulgent partner who didn’t pay their way with their kids.

Perhaps you condone not supporting kids you’ve brought into the world.

HandScreen · 12/09/2021 10:13

@MalFunkshun

I too am unclear why you’ve posted - you have already decided you’re NBU and seem to be using the thread to argue with your ex by proxy Confused

I just had lunch with my school friend today, where we reminisced about living as children with divorced mothers who were totally unable to put their feelings about their exes aside in front of us. We both had very fractured relationships with our fathers throughout our teenage years as a result. And we both felt a very heavy burden of needing to look after our mothers as a result. How did that manifest? By agreeing with them that our dads were a waste of space, that we didn’t want to spend time with them, that we’d much prefer to stay with our mums instead.

Be careful, OP. It’s highly unlikely that your boys haven’t picked up on your bitterness and aren’t feeling the pressure to look after you. The bitterness might be well founded, but that’s to do with YOUR relationship with him. It in no way gives you the right to influence THEIR relationship with him.

100% this
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/09/2021 10:14

@TatianaBis

Pay to get rid of?

I’d say that to anyone with a workshy self indulgent partner who didn’t pay their way with their kids.

Perhaps you condone not supporting kids you’ve brought into the world.

He was a SAHP? Do you think SAHMs are workshy? Or just men?

I don't condone not supporting children but being a stay at home parent is quite obviously NOT that.

Gross.

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 10:27

He was a SAHP? Do you think SAHMs are workshy? Or just men?

Ive been a SAHP for a stretch when my kids were small. But I didn’t refuse to return to work, have an affair, then have patchy work history of continually leaving and being let go from jobs, and failing to pay for my kids for 6 years.

Perhaps you have low expectations but I expect parents to financially support their kids.

Feelingoktoday · 12/09/2021 10:30

@TatianaBis

Pay to get rid of?

I’d say that to anyone with a workshy self indulgent partner who didn’t pay their way with their kids.

Perhaps you condone not supporting kids you’ve brought into the world.

He was the SAHP. Hope you say that to the many women that give up work to look after the kids. I don’t usually defend men in life but I’ve never known a man to walk away from a marriage where the wife was a SAHP and pay just £10k to. “Get rid of”. Appalling use of language.
DelphiniumBlue · 12/09/2021 10:31

As his circumstances have changed so dramatically, might it be worth you taking legal advice to see if the agreement to pay him more when DS2 reaches 18 can be changed?

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 10:33

@Feelingoktoday read the following posts Hmm

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/09/2021 10:46

@TatianaBis

He was a SAHP? Do you think SAHMs are workshy? Or just men?

Ive been a SAHP for a stretch when my kids were small. But I didn’t refuse to return to work, have an affair, then have patchy work history of continually leaving and being let go from jobs, and failing to pay for my kids for 6 years.

Perhaps you have low expectations but I expect parents to financially support their kids.

The reason she has to pay him out is BECAUSE he was a sahp. The rest is irrelevant to the settlement.

I don't have low expectations I just understand how settlements work when one parent doesn't work.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/09/2021 10:47

@DelphiniumBlue

As his circumstances have changed so dramatically, might it be worth you taking legal advice to see if the agreement to pay him more when DS2 reaches 18 can be changed?
Doubtful. This is nothing to do with earnings of the marriage. Cheeky to even ask really.
KaycePollard · 12/09/2021 10:47

Do you say that to divorced men who paid out sahms?

Did you miss the bit where the OP said that her supposedly SAHP ex husband considered HER to be the main carer and expected her to do most of the domestic labour of child care and housework even though she worked full time?

You’re getting a really hard time here @MrsBede maybe from women who think that anything a man does domestically deserves a standing ovation.

But your DC will see through their father’s selfish laziness.