Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 10/09/2021 12:37

32, and Daddy is still sorting everything out for her? Yeah, nah.

I knew people at uni like this who would hand all life admin to their parents to sort out, they just drifted through life learning absolutely zero self sufficiency. These are the same dickheads who get into trouble in flatshares, with the bank, at work because they have just bumbled through life expecting everyone to just adjust and accommodate their uselessness. F*ck them, utter parasites

huuskymam · 10/09/2021 12:39

Leave, she's an adult she can sort herself. Let her and the uncle know she's welcome to get a lift in future, but if she's not at yours at a certain time, you're leaving without her. And make it known you won't be staying late to suit her. She should have considered the journey before applying for a job. They're both cheeky fuckers expecting you to alter the times that suit you.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2021 12:40

Two text messages are required - one to your uncle and one to your cousin.

"Hi Uncle - I am no longer available to take Cousin to and from work as we work different hours (start/end times) and I am no longer willing to wait around for her to be ready to leave or to hang around waiting for her shift to finish. She will have to make her own way to/from work from Monday"

"Hi cousin - I am no longer available to you to and from work from Monday as we work different hours (start/end times) and I am no longer willing to wait around for you to be ready to leave in the morning or wait for your shift to finish. You will have to make your own arrangements to get yourself to/from work from Monday"

Turn phone off. Wait for the fireworks (hopefully there won't be any) but you're completely fair and reasonable to not be an unpaid taxi for her.

Username817391920384747 · 10/09/2021 12:41

Oh my gosh. Do not take her to work again.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 10/09/2021 12:41

32!! FFS, I thought you were going to say she was 18. Good lord, you're being totally fair and clear.

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/09/2021 12:42

Of course you're not. If she's there when you're leaving, she gets a lift. If she's not, she doesn't.
Even school children can wrap their heads around that one.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 10/09/2021 12:43

OMG, she’s 32 and a massive CF. I mean who would move back home and still expect darling daddy to still sort out their shit?

I’d actually stop giving her lifts from now on and tell her she’s had plenty of time to sort out her own travel arrangements. Her travel issues are not your problem to solve on repeat.

Years ago, I used to give 2 guys a lift to work that was about an hour’s drive and a mix of small roads and motorway too. But… they always gave me petrol money at the beginning of the week, were always ready on time and were great company in the car so the journeys were really enjoyable. Particularly on the rare occasions we were stuck on the motorway going home in the winter. It was nice to have the company.

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/09/2021 12:43

Hang on, she's 32 and her Dad still intercedes for her?!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/09/2021 12:44

If she wants a lift she needs to fit in with your hours. Tell her what time is the latest she needs to get yours and say you will leave then is she’s not there. She should also give you petrol money.

Lockdownbear · 10/09/2021 12:46

I hate the childish excuseoh I'm not able to drive on country roads (or motor ways, or whatever)- of you have passed a test and have a driving licence, you can drive anywhere! You don't get a licence for one particular road only

I'll accept that excuse of older drivers. It's difficult when people are pushing 60 learning to drive and build confidence.
But someone in their 30s should be making the effort to build confidence and practice on motorways if they need to.

Op no wonder her relationship failed and she's back with her parents she is acting like a teenager who doesn't get out of bed.

meadowbleu · 10/09/2021 12:50

Of course you weren't out of order @Boredhimtodeath quite the opposite and it sounds like your cousin needs some firm boundaries.
She and her parents need to acknowledge that you're doing her a good turn and not running a free taxi service.

I was surprised to see you're the same age as she's acting like a spoilt brat and the cheek of her complaining you 'left her' On the other hand it does sound like others in her family indulge this.

For clarity reaffirm you are happy to transport at this time and that time, if she's there, no delays or excuses. When someone gives you a lift it's protocol that you're there on time, not that you require the driver to flex to your specific requirements. You say you have your work hours and outside of those there are other routines and commitments that won't bend to accommodate her preferences.

Willdoitlater · 10/09/2021 12:52

Your boss is not going to like it if this starts causing drama at work. Tell your cousin and her family its safest to separate professional and family life and at work you'll have to treat your cousin as just a colleague, nothing more.

cadburyegg · 10/09/2021 12:55

YANBU. I car shared for a year with a colleague. It only works if both of you benefit from the arrangement. What do you get out of this - nothing - in fact it's more inconvenient for you. She's just taking advantage. It's very kind for you to give her a lift but there shouldn't be an expectation for you to do so.

Tulips15 · 10/09/2021 12:55

Glad you"ve cleared it up.

At 32, she needs to grow up!

I'd honestly not help again.

Inertia · 10/09/2021 12:57

32!?

I’d envisaged a nervous 18 yo new driver! Presumably there are no additional needs that you’ve not mentioned?

She clearly used to being waited on, and expects you to dance to her tune as well.

You are absolutely reasonable to insist on your start/finish times, and to pull her up on badmouthing you. I’d imagine your early starts and finishes mitigate the impact of rush hour traffic a little; she wants to travel at rush hour times, adding to your time out.

Start standing really firm on your leaving time in the mornings- if she’s not at yours by 7am, you leave. If you’ve completed your time at 3pm, you leave. If it’s inconvenient for other family members to get her, maybe they’ll tell her to get her arse out of bed.

MouseholeCat · 10/09/2021 13:01

She's older than me and I wouldn't have behaved like that at 17- that's shocking. I think this is quite simple. You just state the same things over and over:

"I work 8-3, she can travel with me for those times, but if she's not there I will leave without her." and "If she wants to work different hours she needs to sort her own travel"

rainbowstardrops · 10/09/2021 13:02

Blimey, I thought you were going to say she was late teens or early twenties but not 30odd!!!

Definitely be firm. You can have a lift if you're here when I leave, otherwise you'll have to find your own way. Done.

Cheeky mare!

blubberyboo · 10/09/2021 13:02

Reply to uncle saying no I had to do overtime last night so your boss is sending you home early today

If you don’t change this now she never will

GrandmaSteglitszch · 10/09/2021 13:04

Well done, OP!

Keep being firm with her.

Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 13:04

What did the uncle reply, @Boredhimtodeath?

Do you think he/Liftzilla cousin think you should change your working hours to 10-5 to suit her?!

FuckPilledLatteplus · 10/09/2021 13:05

Tell her to get a better paying job then so she can afford petrol

Clymene · 10/09/2021 13:05

Whatever your family think, what is she doing for you? There's no benefit for you in this arrangement.

You can give her a lift if she gets to your house by X and you will be leaving work at Y.

If she isn't in the right place at the right time, no lift.

That is literally how every other car sharing agreement I've ever had has worked.

LBirch02 · 10/09/2021 13:08

LiftZilla Cousin this phrase made me laugh today and I needed it!!

toothpicklover · 10/09/2021 13:08

I'm joining in with eveyrone else....she's 32!!!!!!

You can tell why her marriage failed if she has this attitude, jeez!

Tell her to make her own way there, she has a car!

RuthTopp · 10/09/2021 13:11

You tell her that from ( such date ) you will be leaving to get to work at your preferred time , she can have a lift if she is there or not. Her choice. Stick to it.