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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 10/09/2021 11:56

Remember that she is not a child, but an adult. You tell her if she wants a lift that you leave at x. If she doesn't turn up then you leave at your normal set off time. If she gets dropped in later and your uncle asks for a lift, you say, sorry I finish at x. I can drop her off at the same time I leave. Ignore other messages. She has a choice, she can get a lift with you, if she leaves at the same time as you. You are not her mother, nor a taxi service!

tickledtiger · 10/09/2021 11:58

32! I was imagining a teenager from your original post.

PieceOfString · 10/09/2021 11:58

Glad you stuck up for yourself - she's behaving like a clueless 14 year old who has no cencept of the value of other peoples time and trouble! No wonder her relationship broke down. She needs to grow up.

PieceOfString · 10/09/2021 11:59

@theemmadilemma

Well done OP.

100% is hard to get around here. lol

That made me laugh. Grin
JustRambling · 10/09/2021 11:59

YANBU
If she had been working there for 3 years and you were just joining the firm would you even think of asking her to change her hours to suit you?
Of course you wouldn’t.

So tell her nicely that you like your hours as they are and that you will be happy to give her a lift if she arrives at your house in time.

tribpot · 10/09/2021 12:02

THIRTY TWO. This would be pretty cheeky at 22 but at 32 she is taking the absolute piss.

She's very good at this however - the fact you've having to negotiate her return trip with your uncle, and presumably he has negotiated with his son to take a half day off work, everything revolves around her with very little effort on her part.

I'd just say you're not getting involved in this any more, if they continue to contact you next week. She can have a lift from you, with a contribution to petrol money, provided she is at your house at the time you specify and finishes work at the time you specify. Otherwise she's on her own.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/09/2021 12:06

I’ve said to her today I’m not having her moaning about me to people and playing the victim when she’s been ungrateful and demanding

Very well done, though she'll probably now moan and bitch about that too
It's not often you see 767 votes all saying you're NBU; pretty obviously she took it for granted you'd taxi her there and back, so it's great that you've corrected her - and if the family don't like it you can always suggest they do it instead

Gilly12345 · 10/09/2021 12:07

Is your Cousin a dominant person and used to having her own way?

You are going to have to tell her that she can have a lift on your terms and if this doesn’t suit her then she will have to make her own arrangements.

I agree with others, who applies for a new job without thinking through the driving etc, unless it was always her plan to travel with you as you also said she couldn’t afford the petrol.

By the way does she pay you petrol money?

Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 12:08

She’s 32!!!

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 10/09/2021 12:09

Thirty fucking two?

katemuff · 10/09/2021 12:10

32!!!!! OMG and her dad is texting you and demanding a lift. Absolute insanity. I genuinely cannot believe such imbeciles exist.

Lweji · 10/09/2021 12:11

Well done, you.

She is very cheeky for expecting you to adapt your schedule to drive her.
She needs to find a job closer to her home, or live closer, or be there on time when you leave.
But, if she has been complaining about you, I'd not be keen to drive her at all any more.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/09/2021 12:11

If she was using public transport it wouldn't wait around for her. Your mistake has been to dance to her tune.

Just tell her from now on you are leaving home at x time and leaving work at x time and if she is there she can come too. If not she will have to make her own way. Then stick to it!

GoogleWhacked · 10/09/2021 12:20

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other

But this is a two way street, so if you're helping her out by driving her there then she should help you out by getting to your house on time so you get into work in time.
I hate the childish excuse oh I'm not able to drive on country roads (or motor ways, or whatever) - of you have passed a test and have a driving licence, you can drive anywhere! You don't get a licence for one particular road only.

Patapouf · 10/09/2021 12:26

Fuck that you aren't her chauffeur. If she can't afford petrol what's she doing with all her earnings from the job?

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 10/09/2021 12:27

32?!! Yeah she needs to suck it up. Especially since she can drive, she just chooses not to. If she’s that nervous a driver, she probably shouldn’t be on the roads.

I’m glad you stood up to your uncle. Pathetic that she’s got him moaning at you about it. You should just start leaving at whatever time you like and going home whenever, and if she’s not with you, she gets left behind.

mbosnz · 10/09/2021 12:29

32, and Daddy is still sorting everything out for her? Yeah, nah.

Enabling her to be a childish passenger in her own life, isn't doing her any favours.

takehomepay · 10/09/2021 12:29

YANBU, glad you told her!

Leave her to it from now on.

Smackthepony · 10/09/2021 12:29

@tickledtiger

32! I was imagining a teenager from your original post.
Same here! I thought we were talking about a youngster! So double CF’ery!

Well done OP. Hopefully lesson learned on her part!

Sally872 · 10/09/2021 12:30

Perfect reply. She is behaving like you owe her a lift and also ungrateful. Be clear you are willing to drive for 8-3 shift otherwise she sorts herself out.

Also she can drive she just doesn't want to. Why on earth should you or uncle or her brother help with that??

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/09/2021 12:30

Good for you!
How did she take it?

BlackTee40 · 10/09/2021 12:32

What a cheeky bitch!

BoomChicka · 10/09/2021 12:34

32! Bloody hell. She needs to get a grip and you need to get a backbone and stop entertaining these conversations with aunts, uncles and whoever else.

thelastgoldeneagle · 10/09/2021 12:35

She's 32?! She's a CF. Good for you for putting her straight. What did she say?

burritofan · 10/09/2021 12:37

Thirty-two! She’s giving me second-hand embarrassment.