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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
Corneliusmurphy · 10/09/2021 14:04

You’re doing her a massive favour, she should a) be grateful and b) be on time. Otherwise she’ll have to sort other arrangements. (I do know it’s never that easy where family are concerned but it should be!)

Lalliella · 10/09/2021 14:14

Wow I’ve never seen 100% on here before. That says it all OP, your cousin is a CF. If she wants a lift she has to follow your rules. She’s completely taking the piss.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/09/2021 14:14

Hell's teeth!

100% YANBU - that's as rare as hen's teeth and tells you EXACTLY what you need to know!

Tirediam · 10/09/2021 14:20

Anyone said anything OP?

billy1966 · 10/09/2021 14:31

She is an ungrateful CF and as for bad mouthing you to colleagues and LYING!!

Well done for putting her in her place.

I would massively step back.

She has shown you who she is....

A massive PITA.

Don't take ANY guff from your family.

Tell them how furious YOU are that she would abuse your kindness, lie to your colleagues and bad mouth you.

CF.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 10/09/2021 14:31

32!!! And bothering everyone around her to bring her to work. Time for her to grow up and drive herself to work. She should already know her way there. I wouldn't change my routine, especially after she proved to be an ungrateful CF.

billy1966 · 10/09/2021 14:33

@mbosnz...too right.

As in life, givers/takers.....and those of us that can spot both and take zero guff from the latter 👍😁

NotAnotherBloodyNameChange · 10/09/2021 14:35

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

So do I - and it is a two way street. You are willing to help - to take her in your car. She should be willing to leave when it suits you.

That’s what I was thinking, then I got to the bit that she’s 32. Unbelievable.
sloutside · 10/09/2021 14:38

I thought she was going to be an 18-year old school leaver the way she was going on and getting her Dad to contact you about taking her home etc. But no - she's 32!
Fucking hell. No more lifts. She has different working hours to you. Don't even let her say she'll work 8 to 3 because in a couple of weeks it will be slipping back again. If she worked at the same place and your fixed start time was 8 and hers was 10 then you wouldn't be able to give her a lift anyway, she's taking the piss because of the flexible working times.
No fucking way would I be hanging around for an extra 2 hours because a 32 year old woman can't/won't drive to a workplace she CHOSE to work at and doesn't want to pay for petrol every day.
Absolutely ludicrous.

The arrangement ends now. If uncle is so bothered he can drive her or pay for the petrol.

LBirch02 · 10/09/2021 14:40

Another one who was visualising a 17 yr old given the way you described your cousin!

misskatamari · 10/09/2021 14:42

Wow, utter piss take! Well done on nipping this in the bud now! Under no circumstances keep bringing her next week. Even if she goes with your times, before long it will slip, and you'll be back here, but feeling even more of the bad guy, as you'll be ingrained in having to give her lifts!

32 years old!! Wtaf! She can practice this weekend and bloody drive herself from now on!

bluetoothroboticgrapefruit · 10/09/2021 14:45

I was expecting her to be a teenager!

Readerimarried · 10/09/2021 14:52

So very glad to read your update OP!

WorriedWishingWell · 10/09/2021 14:56

"your family will do anything for each other"
So tell your cousin to turn up at 7 if she wants a lift and stop pissing you about

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 15:00

OP Im the exact same as you... get in early leave early ..,

Your hours and workplace sounds great ...

Your Cousin is a spoiled selfish dick .. so glad you spoke up 🎉

ifidosaysomyself · 10/09/2021 15:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 10/09/2021 15:08

She’s so lucky to have a cousin like you!! I can’t drive due to a medical condition so DH has to take me in. However, if someone else was taking me I’d 100% fit in with their routine even if it wasn’t exactly to my liking. I’d just be so grateful for the lift. What a cheeky fucker!!

FortVictoria · 10/09/2021 15:18

I’m all for families helping each other, but as she is getting the lift with you, she has to follow your timetable. That’s not unreasonable. You don’t have to have a reason for preferring to be home early - it’s your life, and that’s how you like it. End of. Moving forward, can you say, “I leave home at xx. If you’re there, I’ll happily give you a lift. If not, I’ll assume you’ve made alternative arrangements.” That way you’re not left editing and wondering, and having to sent messages.

Original poster
Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 15:20

I’ve spoken to her on my way out and I said that we would end up falling out if we carry on the way we are. I mentioned about the fact I like to go to the gym or swimming on a night and if I’m going home late with her it limits the sessions I can book and the fact I like some time to relax before bed on a night, a colleague chipped in and asked her if she was planning on learning to drive. When she said that she can drive they repeated what I said to her Dad about her practicing over the weekend while the roads are quieter…. They then suggested she came to work earlier to miss traffic and she agreed that was a good idea and she might come for the earlier start (I took a deep breath and kept quiet). I told her that she will feel more confident once she’s had a go at driving on her own and that she could look at moving somewhere near work anyway because it’s a bigger city.

We are actually really close and she’s never been as needy, she seems to have regressed after moving home. What I have remembered is that I’ve got my MOT next week and would really benefit from a lift, I get the train.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsACat · 10/09/2021 15:23

@mbosnz

I've found that in families where there is the mindset that members should do anything for each other, there are often two very distinct sub-groups:

1. Them wot gives...

and

2. Them wot takes...

It can often be as shocking as being mauled by an earthworm to a member of Group 2, if a member of Group 1 declines to fulfil their fore-ordained role.

LOL brilliant. ^ Grin And soooo true!

There are definitely more members in Group 2 though. Group 2 being the 'cheeky fuckers,' and 'freeloaders...'

MyPatronusIsACat · 10/09/2021 15:24

@FortVictoria

I’m all for families helping each other, but as she is getting the lift with you, she has to follow your timetable. That’s not unreasonable. You don’t have to have a reason for preferring to be home early - it’s your life, and that’s how you like it. End of. Moving forward, can you say, “I leave home at xx. If you’re there, I’ll happily give you a lift. If not, I’ll assume you’ve made alternative arrangements.” That way you’re not left editing and wondering, and having to sent messages.
This exactly ^
CorianderBee · 10/09/2021 15:26

'Cousin, this isn't working for me. I work 8-3 and it works for me. If you want to be driven you need to be at mine at 6.45 or else I will not be able to drive you.'

MyPatronusIsACat · 10/09/2021 15:27

@CorianderBee

'Cousin, this isn't working for me. I work 8-3 and it works for me. If you want to be driven you need to be at mine at 6.45 or else I will not be able to drive you.'
Wonder if she will listen though? And if 'the faaaamily' will tolerate it!
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/09/2021 15:27

What a ridiculous set up your cousin and uncle have instigated!

Just say No, your work hours are incompatible and she has to find alternative transport - you're not a taxi and you will not either be late or wait for her.

MyPatronusIsACat · 10/09/2021 15:28

@WorriedWishingWell

"your family will do anything for each other" So tell your cousin to turn up at 7 if she wants a lift and stop pissing you about
This. ^
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