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Original poster

Was I wrong or my friend ungrateful?

169 replies

DizzyLollipop82 · 10/09/2021 06:48

Hi mums I feel hurt by this so just let me explain...

I offered to baby sit for my friends 6 month old so her and her fiancé could have a date night. This baby is an amazing sleeper and it was just for me to sit in the house while he was fast asleep from 7.30 anyways I was a bit bored reading my book, watched some TV and thought I'd clean up their kitchen as there was some from the day, wasn't much, just a few plates, mugs cutlery. So I washed it all up and dried it and put away took no more than 10 minutes. They came back and I said he has been asleep fine and I was a bit bored so cleaned up for you too! She was a bit taken back and said I shouldn't have done it and she felt like I was assuming her house was dirty and I was taken over ? I was like huh? I'm sorry I was trying to do a nice thing as when you got back to a happy sleeping baby and a clean kitchen! Sorry! Wont be doing it again lol... I didn't want any money but a thank you would've been fine but I felt really embarrassed and just left...

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 10/09/2021 09:40

From another perspective, I have a background where my privacy was disregarded regularly and from a young age. Because of this someone doing something like this, however well intentioned would stir up those gut wrenching feelings of having no control of my own things and feeling like my space was not my own anymore.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 10/09/2021 09:43

My SIL cleans and tidies my kitchen when she visits, it's like a compulsion.
I'm a bit torn about it, on the one hand she's really good and the kitchen looks lovely, on the other it's an implied criticism of our living standards (which are very different).
Anyhoo, a nice clean kitchen wins out so I bite my tongue :-)

Bimblybomeyelash · 10/09/2021 09:43

She was a bit taken back and said I shouldn't have done it and she felt like I was assuming her house was dirty and I was taken over ? I was like huh? I'm sorry I was trying to do a nice thing as when you got back to a happy sleeping baby and a clean kitchen! Sorry! Wont be doing it again lol.

I can empathise with her response tbh. Rather than getting huffy back you
Should have just reassured her ‘no I don’t think that at all, I just washed up a couple of mugs, I didn’t get the hoover out hahaha!’ And then swiftly moved on.

I always hate it when someone does something that I haven’t asked them to do, and am perfectly capable of doing myself, and then tells me about it and waits for praise.

pinkyredrose · 10/09/2021 09:49

I always hate it when someone does something that I haven’t asked them to do, and am perfectly capable of doing myself, and then tells me about it and waits for praise

Seconded.

Mudcakemaniac · 10/09/2021 09:51

@PurpleDaisies

Just how does it go from "ooh I'll surprise my dear friend" to "you bitch, you thought my house was dirty"?? Just how?!

Nobody has said the friend thought “bitch”. I’d be really embarrassed that anyone thought my house needed cleaning. Nobody wants that brought to attention.

But how could you get upset if there was some dirty dishes on the side and your friend thought she'd help you out by doing them so you didn't have to do them after a date night? Isn't that a bit of luxury to have a good friend who'd help you out without asking?
TinselTime21 · 10/09/2021 09:53

I always used to wash up for people I babysat for., a friend, sibling, uncle, cousin.

I got the oh you didn't need to do that but thanks.

But then again they know I love clenaing etc. In fact by DB used to say feel free to do anything else haha., he worked 70 hour weeks and his ex worked 30, with 2 dcs 11 months apart. So they appreciated everything

moirarosebabay · 10/09/2021 09:57

I think you did a nice thing and wouldn't be offended by it at all. I used to tell the folk I was babysitting for to leave me ironing as I love ironing and they don't like it. Everyone was happy and no one was insulted. Just as a general thing I try to help other parents and really appreciate those who do the same for me.

Yaya26 · 10/09/2021 09:58

When are you free?? I'd be delighted. It was kind of you to tidy up. X

Juno231 · 10/09/2021 10:03

There are soooo many memes, articles, posts etc out there about how tough it is to be a mum and when you come over to see the baby you had better be bringing food, not expect me to make you coffee, help clean up and just be a NICE HUMAN BEING. Then you go and do that, not only babysit but throw in some tidying and somehow there's lots of people on here who think you're in the wrong??

Get over yourselves, it's called being nice - it's not an overstepping, it's not a criticism - for god's sake no one expects a house to be spotless when you have a 6 month old???

OP what you did was lovely and I'd be grateful to have a friend like you. My friends would have done the same and not in a million years would I get defensive about that.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 10/09/2021 10:07

You did a kind thing! Ungrateful friend and I wouldn't bother doing anything else to help her out, how rude.

Mama1980 · 10/09/2021 10:13

You did a kind thing. What is the world coming to when friends react like this?
My friends and family are in and out of each other's houses all the time, we wash up, clean up etc if needed. It's called helping each other out. So what if they think I'm messy - I am lol, and I appreciate help.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 10/09/2021 10:13

Saying you had cleaned up was weird and also not true was it? All you did was wash up and dry a few plates and mugs that took you all of 10 minutes. I would not even have mentioned it to my friend when she got home.

LindaEllen · 10/09/2021 10:14

My friend has a 2yo and when he was very little I'd offer to babysit so she could go out. She's a single mum, he was always a rubbish sleeper (and still is) and was trying to balance a work from home job with childcare which was always a massive struggle.

Whenever I looked after him, I would always help out a little round the house. Sometimes I'd wash up, or even do a load of washing, or some ironing, or some tidying. Sometimes I'd make a pasta bake to freeze individual portions. Sometimes I'd buy fresh flowers to be waiting for her when she got back. Because her life was tough, she was always knackered, and housework can seem so hard sometimes.

However, I NEVER told her what I'd done (apart from if I'd made any food as obv she'd need to know she had it but I just made out like I needed something to do while baby was sleeping). I just did it quietly.

Recently she told me that I was one of the reasons she managed to get through it, and coming home to a clean and tidy house made her cry with relief.

Friends help friends, but honestly, the way you said it was a bit much, almost like rubbing it in.

cushioncovers · 10/09/2021 10:16

"I cleaned up for you" is what probably got your friends back up.

It was a kind gesture on your part to tidy her kitchen but next time don't look for recognition are you a man. Grin

JudgeJ · 10/09/2021 10:25

@Hopdathelf

You overstepped. You were basically saying to her that her house ought to have been cleaner, even if you didn’t mean to. Surely you’ve seen the countless threads on her about exactly the same thing.
Then she will not trouble them with her free baby-sitting in future!
Ugzbugz · 10/09/2021 10:42

The plates etc were dirty though, doesn't mean the entire kitchen is!

Ungrateful or what!

ddl1 · 10/09/2021 10:45

I think you did a nice thing. I do have my own sensitivities and would find it upsetting if other people did dishwashing/housework/etc in my home in my presence, or watched me while I did it; but if they do it when I'm out, that's lovely!

I do think that it might have been better to just state exactly what you did rather that "I cleaned up for you", but I don't think it's a big deal.

ddl1 · 10/09/2021 10:50

"I cleaned up for you" is what probably got your friends back up.

Agreed.

It was a kind gesture on your part to tidy her kitchen but next time don't look for recognition

I don't think that telling someone what you did is 'looking for recognition -unless you tell them in a smug tone. It's just being factual. I would prefer someone to tell me if they'd made any changes in my home environment, even if it's just moving an object.

diddl · 10/09/2021 11:05

@pinkyredrose

I always hate it when someone does something that I haven’t asked them to do, and am perfectly capable of doing myself, and then tells me about it and waits for praise

Seconded.

Thirded!
PivotPivotPivottt · 10/09/2021 11:11

I always hate it when someone does something that I haven’t asked them to do

If that's how the friend feels too then she shouldn't have had the OP babysit. After all the OP offered to babysit the friends didn't ask her to.

tigger1001 · 10/09/2021 11:20

@PivotPivotPivottt

I always hate it when someone does something that I haven’t asked them to do

If that's how the friend feels too then she shouldn't have had the OP babysit. After all the OP offered to babysit the friends didn't ask her to.

Not the same though is it? The op's friend had the opportunity to say no thanks to babysitting. But the same cannot be said of doing the dishes etc.
Holskey · 10/09/2021 11:24

I would have hated someone taking it upon themselves to clean my stuff. I would have recognised the kind intention though and so would have let it go with a "you shouldn't have. Thanks for looking after little Sally"

ShaneTheThird · 10/09/2021 11:27

She's a knob and anyone saying you overstepped are clearly dirty slobs who know their own homes are dirty and are projecting that here. I used to be a babysitter for ten years and I always did any dishes and tidied never had any complaints.

seaandsandcastles · 10/09/2021 11:28

@ShaneTheThird

She's a knob and anyone saying you overstepped are clearly dirty slobs who know their own homes are dirty and are projecting that here. I used to be a babysitter for ten years and I always did any dishes and tidied never had any complaints.
Nope. I run a showhome even with a baby. I would still think a friend overstepped if I left out a few dishes and she did this.
SylvanasWindrunner · 10/09/2021 11:32

Just .. unclench. Assume that people are doing things like that because they love and care for you and want to make your life better/easier. Realise that life is too short to get arsey about perceived slights from someone who otherwise has been a good and generous friend. Just chill. Life is much easier and less stressful and tiring when you don't let silly stuff bother you and you just assume the best of the people you choose to have as friends.