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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong or my friend ungrateful?

169 replies

DizzyLollipop82 · 10/09/2021 06:48

Hi mums I feel hurt by this so just let me explain...

I offered to baby sit for my friends 6 month old so her and her fiancé could have a date night. This baby is an amazing sleeper and it was just for me to sit in the house while he was fast asleep from 7.30 anyways I was a bit bored reading my book, watched some TV and thought I'd clean up their kitchen as there was some from the day, wasn't much, just a few plates, mugs cutlery. So I washed it all up and dried it and put away took no more than 10 minutes. They came back and I said he has been asleep fine and I was a bit bored so cleaned up for you too! She was a bit taken back and said I shouldn't have done it and she felt like I was assuming her house was dirty and I was taken over ? I was like huh? I'm sorry I was trying to do a nice thing as when you got back to a happy sleeping baby and a clean kitchen! Sorry! Wont be doing it again lol... I didn't want any money but a thank you would've been fine but I felt really embarrassed and just left...

OP posts:
BigGreen · 10/09/2021 07:17

Dear God, can friends not help each other out? What a weird response, it wasn't like you did a deep clean!

whatthejiggeries · 10/09/2021 07:17

Agree with the masses that was really nice of you .... it's the fact that you mentioned it

Jasmine11 · 10/09/2021 07:18

My mother in law always insists on giving our kitchen a deep clean when she does the washing up at our house and she is lovely and means well, but it just makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit inept so I can see your friend's point of view!

HalzTangz · 10/09/2021 07:18

You weren't asked to clean and by pointing out you did obviously put her on edge (maybe someone else has called her house dirty).

You'd have been better not to mention it, when she noticed she would have more than likely sent a 'you shouldn't have but really appreciate the clean kitchen).

She should have said thanks for the babysitting though

PieMistee · 10/09/2021 07:21

I would be delighted. People are over sensitive. I would find that far more annoying.

Caterinasballerinas · 10/09/2021 07:22

I think you did a nice thing and if you get chance to mention it again, to make it less awkward just say you thought you were doing a nice thing and saving them from having to do the job after their nice date night. You assume that kitchen tidying is a post bedtime job and they of course couldn’t do it because they were out, you in no way minded or expected they would make some special effort to do it before you arrived because you are friends helping each other out.

Confusedandshaken · 10/09/2021 07:22

You are quite right, your choice of words was poor. You didn't clean up, you did the washing up. I wouldn't be offended by someone doing my washing up but I'd be very offended if someone said my house needed cleaning, particularly if they were right!

If she is a good mate whose friendship you value, text her along the lines of "I hope we are ok after last night" and see what happens. If this is the last straw for you and you are happy to let the friendship end then let it go and chalk this one up to experience.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/09/2021 07:23

Would have been better to say nothing. However I’d be delighted if a friend did any cleaning in my kitchen, but mortified if MIL did it. Some people welcome interference, others really hate it. It’s a shame she couldn’t be more gracious despite her discomfort.

WellTidy · 10/09/2021 07:26

My mum does this - cleans the fridge, washes down chairs and doors etc when she comes. I don’t mind it and am happy for her to crack on. But I have many friends who I know wouldn’t like it at all, would see it as overstepping, forceful and downright rude.

takehomepay · 10/09/2021 07:29

YANBU, you only did the dishes, didn’t wash her underwear!

She’s not a close friend.

Glssr195726113493 · 10/09/2021 07:32

It wouldn’t have even occurred to me to be offended.

Are we all really that territorial and sensitive that a friend who’s offered to babysat and has done a bit of washing up is overstepping and results in the end of a friendship?!

sanmiguel · 10/09/2021 07:34

My baby is 13, but when are you free OP?!

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/09/2021 07:35

10 minutes work is not insulting. To me she overreacted.

Toffeepineapple · 10/09/2021 07:40

I probably would have felt the same as your friend, but I wouldn't have said anything.

I think on balance your friend was more in the wrong to express her feelings like this. Had you come in with a mop and bucket and started anti bacing as you walked in Grin yes, that would clearly be offensive, but doing the washing up? No. You probably shouldn't have done it, but there were clearly no bad intentions here and your friend should have known this enough not to have said anything.

Whattodoffs · 10/09/2021 07:41

I can remember having to stay in my house for an hour or two as she had accidentally locked herself out of her house (she was waiting for husband to come home). Left her in the house when me and DP went to work.

Hour or so later had a message from her to say hope I didn't mind but she had cleaned my bathroom.!
I was quite put out and insulted and it took me a while to get over it, so yeah I agree with your friend sorry x

SpeckledyHen · 10/09/2021 07:43

You did what you thought was a nice thing . Your friend thought differently. Just a difference of opinion really , nothing to fall out over surely. Have a chat to her about it and move on.

TheEmperorIsNaked · 10/09/2021 07:46

I would have loved it, OP.

fluffythedragonslayer · 10/09/2021 07:46

You did a nice thing and if I was your friend I would have smiled and said thank you...

But inside I would be mortified that you felt the need to clean and I'd feel judged. And probably not ask you again 😂

The difference is I know that's MY issue and MY insecurities about not being good enough etc and would recognise that you'd just tried to be nice.

When my mother does it, however, is is clearly an act of aggression and she should be stopped 😜

PostMenPatWithACat · 10/09/2021 07:46

Years and years ago we had to rush ds to hospital when he cut his head open. Blood up the hall. A neighbour came in to babysit dd.

She mopped the floors, cleared away the lunch things, hoovered downstairs and bathed and changed dd into her pyjamas.

I was beyond grateful.

TheNoodlesIncident · 10/09/2021 07:52

If you want to do a nice thing, do it but without looking for kudos. That's not doing a nice thing purely to help a bit, that's doing it because you want the praise and brownie points.

I've done similar when I've babysat (or been round to someone's house for a different reason) but I haven't said anything because it can imply lots of loaded things, like your standards are higher than theirs for example. Naturally you're not thinking that but it can seem to the recipient that you were, which is uncomfortable for them.

It's like those people who went out of their way to deliver groceries or cooked meals in lockdown1, then posted on FB that they'd done it. Would they have done their good deed if they didn't get to let everyone know they had?

If you do nice things, do it because you want to relieve a burden on someone else. Don't mention it, because that seems to change your motive (whether it was or not, it will seem like it).

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/09/2021 07:53

Too late now but you should of just said- I washed the pots as that's what you did. Cleaned up for you insinuates you did more and I'd not like that either

This - I think it was less what you did than the way you described it.

wednesdayweather · 10/09/2021 07:57

@notacooldad

I understand your friend's feelings tbh.
I genuinely can't.
SeasonFinale · 10/09/2021 07:57

washing up does not equal cleaning up.

She misunderstood what you had actually done. To be fair I wouldn't have said anything and she would have realised. If you really needed tk say anything you just say i washed those couple of bits up.

Cleaning up has a whole other connotation.

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 10/09/2021 07:58

I would have smiled and thanked you effusively, and then resented it privately tbh. Because you did do a lovely thing, both by babysitting in the first place and by doing the washing-up, but I'd find the washing-up bit quite intrusive and feel criticised - but it absolutely wouldn't have been my place to dump those feelings back onto you. She was BU and ungrateful, but I completely understand why she felt the way she did.

FallingStar21 · 10/09/2021 07:58

Bonkers how many people say they'd be sooo offended by a sheer "wrong" wording of someone doing a bit of washing up.. Even if it was more than that so what? A friend made a lovely gesture, didnt even ask for money or anything.
The correct response to this gesture would be "you really shouldn't have gone to the trouble, thank you do much"

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