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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong or my friend ungrateful?

169 replies

DizzyLollipop82 · 10/09/2021 06:48

Hi mums I feel hurt by this so just let me explain...

I offered to baby sit for my friends 6 month old so her and her fiancé could have a date night. This baby is an amazing sleeper and it was just for me to sit in the house while he was fast asleep from 7.30 anyways I was a bit bored reading my book, watched some TV and thought I'd clean up their kitchen as there was some from the day, wasn't much, just a few plates, mugs cutlery. So I washed it all up and dried it and put away took no more than 10 minutes. They came back and I said he has been asleep fine and I was a bit bored so cleaned up for you too! She was a bit taken back and said I shouldn't have done it and she felt like I was assuming her house was dirty and I was taken over ? I was like huh? I'm sorry I was trying to do a nice thing as when you got back to a happy sleeping baby and a clean kitchen! Sorry! Wont be doing it again lol... I didn't want any money but a thank you would've been fine but I felt really embarrassed and just left...

OP posts:
60sbird · 10/09/2021 07:58

I would’ve done the dishes but not mentioned it to her

AdriannaP · 10/09/2021 07:59

YABU - you overstepped. Wasn’t your job to clean the kitchen, this would annoy me too. You really can’t just spend a few hours watching TV or reading without being bored.

Dragon50 · 10/09/2021 08:01

That was a lovely thing for you to have done and I would have appreciated it.

But. I would also have been beyond mortified and would feel I was being judged for having a dirty house. Esp 6 months PP when I felt I wasn’t managing well enough.

I wouldn’t hold it against you but it would have affected me deeply at that point.

Clarice99 · 10/09/2021 08:04

You did a nice thing OP.

Your friend is sensitive and defensive. She sounds like hard work.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2021 08:05

I also think this was a nice thing to do, but I’ve a friend who does this and quite frankly it pisses me off. I’m a grown up who can manage her home without mates stepping in. I bite my tongue and say nothing but it’s irritating. She also reorganises things like my cutlery drawer and sharpens the knifes, and I have to just turn away and ignore it.

Thimphu · 10/09/2021 08:06

YANBU - apart from possibly your wording.

Doing a few dishes isn't cleaning!

However she felt about it she was ungracious to make such a fuss.

Fabbydabbydoozey · 10/09/2021 08:06

She’s being weird.

AhNowTed · 10/09/2021 08:07

I would have been delighted!

Taking over? For gods sake it's a few dishes.

Some people are just looking to be offended.

saraclara · 10/09/2021 08:07

There was no reason for you to mention it, other than looking for her thanks. So it wasn't really a nice thing to do.

A friend fed my cat while I was away overnight. I had a last minute issue before I left and had to rush for my train, leaving some washing up in the sink. I was mortified when I got back to find that my friend had washed it up and done another couple of bits.

Cocomarine · 10/09/2021 08:08

I’d have been pleasantly surprised if you’d done it, but irritated by you pointing it out for attention. (as I’d feel that was what you were doing - and you’d have had attention in a thank you from me without pointing it out)

wednesdayweather · 10/09/2021 08:13

I would love a friend who cleaned my house! With work and young kids and no family and other issues my house could, frankly, do with a good clean and tidy. I would love to have a friend with the time and inclination to help and would be endlessly grateful.

PurpleNebula84 · 10/09/2021 08:14

I don't think you are necessarily BU to have done it, but I guess it's all down to her opinion.
My parents went through a stage of doing the washing up when looking after my DD for an hour or so when she was a baby, however, my mum reckoned she didn't "know where everything went" so she'd just pile all the plates and bits on the worktop - it annoyed me as it then meant I had to shift them as they were in the way. I'd have been quite happy if they were left on the drainer as I could have used them as I went along or if I was in the mood, put them away at my leisure. I kinda felt like they were saying they disapproved, and in trying to help, they actually created me another issue.

Lalliella · 10/09/2021 08:14

Hi OP I have an 18 year old and a 15 year old, please can you come and babysit them Grin

I don’t think you overstepped, maybe could have worded it better. I’d have done what you did.

tigger1001 · 10/09/2021 08:14

You did a nice thing, but yes I can see your friends viewpoint as well.

Saying you cleaned up, does suggest it needed it.

I would be mortified if a friend felt the need to do dishes etc while in my house.

My mil used to do this when she watched the kids. And it took me ages to find anything as she put stuff away where she felt it should go rather than where it did go.

Lalliella · 10/09/2021 08:16

Actually thinking more about this, perhaps your friend is feeling a little bit sensitive that she isn’t on top of everything as much as she’d like to be, she might be struggling a little bit. Maybe watch out for that. You sound like a nice friend, don’t let this come between you.

LukeEvansWife · 10/09/2021 08:17

The way you worded it was appalling. I think doing the washing up was okay but pointing it out just looked like (a) you thought your friend’s house was filthy and (b) you wanted her to be overwhelmed with gratitude.

You say it was just a bit of washing up but then thought she should have been happy to have a ‘clean kitchen’.

No wonder she was defensive!

girlmom21 · 10/09/2021 08:21

If you'd not mentioned the washing up, she'd have noticed and been grateful. It's the fact you told her you'd cleaned that she took offence to.

Washing up isn't cleaning so although she took it as a slight obviously you didn't mean it in that way at all.

Obviously just crossed wires and hopefully she'll see that. You didn't need her to praise you for washing up though so not sure why you mentioned itZ

ShutUpaYourFace · 10/09/2021 08:23

@AhNowTed
Totally agree. OP only did the washing up!
I can't believe how easily offended people are. Like someone else said up thread if she was so bloody sensitive she should have done them before she went out.
Absolutely ridiculous.
Don't do it again OP! that is offer to baby sit😂😂
The ungrateful cow!

PurpleDaisies · 10/09/2021 08:24

I would have hated this. I wouldn’t have said anything but I’d have felt really uncomfortable she judged for the state of my house.

You had good intentions but I think you might have seen how it could have come across not as you’d intended.

LukeEvansWife · 10/09/2021 08:25

If your friend’s baby is 6 months, I’m guessing she is probably dog-tired as well (even if there is no PND).

If doing the washing up was no big deal then it would have been better not to mention it at all. She might have noticed after and texted to thank you, or she might not, but you put her on the spot

Hugsgalore · 10/09/2021 08:26

@Hopdathelf

You overstepped. You were basically saying to her that her house ought to have been cleaner, even if you didn’t mean to. Surely you’ve seen the countless threads on her about exactly the same thing.
Give over!

It was a nice gesture op. She's probably feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment having a young baby. I'd just not be quick to offer to do her any favours any time soon.

SeriouslyISuppose · 10/09/2021 08:27

I also find it incredibly irritating, and I don’t think it’s a particularly unusual response. Yes, doing a small amount of washing up is at the minor end of the scale — my mother was once left alone in the house for an hour when she was visiting from overseas, and she had taken everything out of the fridge, cleaned and rearranged it — but it was also tactless to say you’d ‘cleaned up’.

saraclara · 10/09/2021 08:28

Did you only do that little bit of washing up, or are you back pedalling a bit? Cleaning up is an odd term to use for washing up a few plates and mugs.
If you did more than that, I can understand her feelings, especially as you used the word 'clean'

LukeEvansWife · 10/09/2021 08:30

And yes, withdraw any future assistance because she didn’t follow the correct etiquette - I’m sure she will appreciate that, as having a small baby is a walk in the park Hmm

Dragongirl10 · 10/09/2021 08:32

You did a nice and thoughtful thing and your friend needs to apologise !
When l had a 6 month old baby l would have been delighted with such a kind offer.