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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my uninvited friend come into my house?

127 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:14

I love having guests but only when they are expected. I'm not keen on people just dropping in.

I have poor health and am quite busy. I am not always up to visitors. I don't always have a clean and tidy house and I feel uncomfortable if people turn up and the house is a mess.

I am busy at times and need quiet time to destress. I'm not always sociable. If I'm not that well then I don't want to have to host guests. I also don't want people turning up when I'm cooking or we are eating.

I have told my friend many times not to just turn up. I've told her to ring first and ask. She has turned up even when I told her I was busy with family and specifically asked her not to visit.

Three days ago she turned up and I didn't hear the door. She thought I was purposely ignoring her (I'm hearing impaired). I told her she needed to prearrange a visit as the house was a mess and I didn't want anyone in until I'd sorted it.

She told me it didn't bother her if my house was a tip but I told her it bothered me and I'd like her to check with me first before just turning up. I don't visit her without pre arranging as she doesn't like people to drop in unexpectedly at her house. I don't ever drop in at hers without an invitation but I know she would let me in if I did. She would just moan to everyone about it afterwards.

Today she turned up when we were eating. She was upset I refused to let her in as she said she had text me. She text 7 minutes before to ask and as I was in the kitchen I didn't see or respond to her message.

I talked to her at the door and there was no problem that she urgently needed to see me about, she had just called in. I said we were eating and I'd see her later at a prearranged activity. She was obviously upset I wouldn't let her in.

I'm a bit apprehensive about seeing her tonight at 8:30.

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my friend come in my house today when she dropped in unexpectedly?

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 09/09/2021 19:16

I would never dream of turning up announced at anyone's house and I'm also prone to ignoring the doorbell if I'm not expecting someone. I don't have to be in demand for anyone all the time.

TaraR2020 · 09/09/2021 19:19

I was prepared to vote Yabu because but in these circumstances you absolutely weren't and I think you're friend was rather rude tbh

MMMarmite · 09/09/2021 19:20

This isn't about the rights and wrongs of unexpected drop ins: some love them and others hate them. This is about her completely ignoring your clearly-expressed wishes and boundaries. YANBU

MagnoliaBeige · 09/09/2021 19:20

You weren’t rude, she is. You’ve made it clear how you feel and she’s decided her desire to drop in when she fancies it over-rides your wish not to have people turn up unexpectedly.

TooWicked · 09/09/2021 19:20

When we are eating or about to eat, is the one time I refuse to let anyone in.

YANBU.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2021 19:22

People's reactions to others turning up on here, or yours, aren't usual. But I think if you are eating then it's ok to say it's inconvenient, if she lives fairly local.

Howshouldibehave · 09/09/2021 19:22

She has turned up even when I told her I was busy with family and specifically asked her not to visit

She is being very rude and I can’t really imagine my friendship continuing with someone who just tramples all over my feelings to be honest.

UnsuitableHat · 09/09/2021 19:25

I don’t particularly like people turning up uninvited as, like you, I like to be ready for them. What’s particularly strange in this case is that she keeps doing it even though you’ve told her you don’t want her to.

Notaroadrunner · 09/09/2021 19:25

What does it take for some people to take a hint - not even a hint but you've told her before not to call unannounced. She should respect that. I wouldn't worry about seeing her later. Your family are entitled to eat dinner without her coming in staring at you all while you eat. If she does say anything just remind her that you don't want unannounced visitors.

Original poster
PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:26

She is about ten minutes walk away but she calls in as she passes not to specifically visit me. She will stay 30 minutes or more. It's never just a quick visit.

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 09/09/2021 19:28

She's rude and pushy. You did the right thing.

Eilatan2018 · 09/09/2021 19:29

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I love having guests but only when they are expected. I'm not keen on people just dropping in.

I have poor health and am quite busy. I am not always up to visitors. I don't always have a clean and tidy house and I feel uncomfortable if people turn up and the house is a mess.

I am busy at times and need quiet time to destress. I'm not always sociable. If I'm not that well then I don't want to have to host guests. I also don't want people turning up when I'm cooking or we are eating.

I have told my friend many times not to just turn up. I've told her to ring first and ask. She has turned up even when I told her I was busy with family and specifically asked her not to visit.

Three days ago she turned up and I didn't hear the door. She thought I was purposely ignoring her (I'm hearing impaired). I told her she needed to prearrange a visit as the house was a mess and I didn't want anyone in until I'd sorted it.

She told me it didn't bother her if my house was a tip but I told her it bothered me and I'd like her to check with me first before just turning up. I don't visit her without pre arranging as she doesn't like people to drop in unexpectedly at her house. I don't ever drop in at hers without an invitation but I know she would let me in if I did. She would just moan to everyone about it afterwards.

Today she turned up when we were eating. She was upset I refused to let her in as she said she had text me. She text 7 minutes before to ask and as I was in the kitchen I didn't see or respond to her message.

I talked to her at the door and there was no problem that she urgently needed to see me about, she had just called in. I said we were eating and I'd see her later at a prearranged activity. She was obviously upset I wouldn't let her in.

I'm a bit apprehensive about seeing her tonight at 8:30.

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my friend come in my house today when she dropped in unexpectedly?

Totally not being unreasonable. She doesn’t like unexpected guests either so surely she can relate? I hate unexpected guests and like the house to be tidy… it’s just how I am! Husband isn’t the same which can cause issues if his friends turn up!
Sparkletastic · 09/09/2021 19:30

Good for you as you did the right thing. Keep it up!

JustBrowwsing · 09/09/2021 19:31

She sounds dodgy, I bet you could give us all sorts of other examples where she’s inconsiderate or imposes double standards on your friendship.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2021 19:31

This woman is in no way your friend. You have told/asked her repeatedly to not drop by without permission and she continues to disregard your feelings and privacy. A real friend would never, ever do this.

Get shot of her and find a new friend.

coconutpie · 09/09/2021 19:32

YANBU. She is so rude and I wouldn't be considering her a friend either.

Chloemol · 09/09/2021 19:32

No you are not rude, your friend is

esloquehay · 09/09/2021 19:32

No, she is a CF and a boundary pushing twat.

JustBrowwsing · 09/09/2021 19:33

LTB!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/09/2021 19:35

No but you need to say that you know she doesn't like it when people do that to her so why can't she respect that you feel the same way or would she prefer you do it her way - let them in then complain to others

Seriously, screw her!

hellcatspangle · 09/09/2021 19:36

I hate it when people do this so YANBU

Original poster
PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:45

She can be a great friend but really pushy. One issue was her visiting all the time when I was sick. She was obviously concerned but I wasn't up for visits. I wanted to be in bed.

She offers to help me clean my home or buy stuff but I prefer to do it myself and order online. My family help me when I'm struggling to manage. I prefer my friends to be friends that I socialise with.

OP posts:
Recessed · 09/09/2021 19:46

In normal circumstances it would be incredibly rude to not let a friend in, regardless how messy the house is/how tired or antisocial you were feeling but since you explicitly told her not to do it and it's something she doesn't like either then YANBU. Weird that she'd try to trample over your boundary after explicitly being told? Is she usually a good friend besides? As I can't imagine a good friend doing that.

Original poster
PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:47

Her mother died a few years ago and she was her main carer. I sometimes think she's trying to replace her mother with me.

OP posts:
Tallisimo · 09/09/2021 19:47

How close or far away your inconsiderate friend lives is irrelevant. She is not respecting your expressed (many times) wishes. She is being rude. By ignoring you she is telling you she is more important than your wishes.