Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my uninvited friend come into my house?

127 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:14

I love having guests but only when they are expected. I'm not keen on people just dropping in.

I have poor health and am quite busy. I am not always up to visitors. I don't always have a clean and tidy house and I feel uncomfortable if people turn up and the house is a mess.

I am busy at times and need quiet time to destress. I'm not always sociable. If I'm not that well then I don't want to have to host guests. I also don't want people turning up when I'm cooking or we are eating.

I have told my friend many times not to just turn up. I've told her to ring first and ask. She has turned up even when I told her I was busy with family and specifically asked her not to visit.

Three days ago she turned up and I didn't hear the door. She thought I was purposely ignoring her (I'm hearing impaired). I told her she needed to prearrange a visit as the house was a mess and I didn't want anyone in until I'd sorted it.

She told me it didn't bother her if my house was a tip but I told her it bothered me and I'd like her to check with me first before just turning up. I don't visit her without pre arranging as she doesn't like people to drop in unexpectedly at her house. I don't ever drop in at hers without an invitation but I know she would let me in if I did. She would just moan to everyone about it afterwards.

Today she turned up when we were eating. She was upset I refused to let her in as she said she had text me. She text 7 minutes before to ask and as I was in the kitchen I didn't see or respond to her message.

I talked to her at the door and there was no problem that she urgently needed to see me about, she had just called in. I said we were eating and I'd see her later at a prearranged activity. She was obviously upset I wouldn't let her in.

I'm a bit apprehensive about seeing her tonight at 8:30.

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my friend come in my house today when she dropped in unexpectedly?

OP posts:
crankysaurus · 09/09/2021 19:49

She does sound like she had boundary issues

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2021 19:51

You did the right thing! To set the boundary you have to keep turning her away, awkward as it might be.

She on the other hand is extremely rude!

whynotwhatknot · 09/09/2021 19:52

Shes a hypocrite doesnt like it done to her but will so it to others

im the same as you op dont like people dropping in even my own dsis checks first just the way i am

candycane222 · 09/09/2021 19:56

She's generally pushy isn't she? Thinks she knows what's good for you better than you do yourself - or, more likely, she's much more more interested in how she sees herself and maybe how others see her ("such a good friend to Pandemic and everyone else, so kind, people love her, ooh she's a smashing person.." blah blah). And other people's actual wants and needs - even when clearly stated - are a lot less important to her.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/09/2021 19:57

What does she do that makes her a great friend?
Is it worth the flip side?

User57327259 · 09/09/2021 20:00

Perhaps if she was her DM's carer and was fully taken up with that caring role and now not only has she lost her DM she has also lost her "job" or purpose in her life. She maybe extremely lonely and lost and hoping her friend would understand without her having to say the words. Sometimes we dont look at the other person's point of view

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 09/09/2021 20:01

YANBU at all. Sounds like you’ve been very clear with her that you don’t like unexpected visitors so she’s incredibly rude to keep doing it.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2021 20:11

I never 'drop in' on anybody. I don't get why the uninvited get testy when they're told 'not now'. They're the ones who chose to waste their time and petrol on the off chance you were 'receiving'. You are right, she was wrong. It doesn't matter that they don't mind drop ins, it matters that you do!

One of my dearest friends 'A' (in my old hometown) is currently having this same problem with another friend 'B' (whom I'm acquainted with). No matter how many times A tells B (including bluntly) to please call first and ask she insists on 'dropping in' without notice. And as far as prior notice, if she does call she tells A she is coming, she doesn't ask. And when A says 'that doesn't work' B gets shirty. Makes me glad I'm not living there.

I was visiting A for a few days and she told B that she and I wanted to catch up (I had gone through a rough patch and wanted to 'vent' privately) and we'd all meet for lunch another time. A and I were sitting in the backyard and what do you know....the doorbell starts ringing. A ignored it and soon B starts rattling the (locked) gate and shouting "Yoo hoo, A!". I couldn't believe it! We ignored that, too. She later asked A where we were as 'the cars were in the drive'.

CrazyCatLady75340 · 09/09/2021 20:14

I could have written this post, down to the messy house anxiety and being hearing impaired.

You're not being unreasonable. It's common courtesy to let someone know (and get a response back) to visiting someone's house.

Briony123 · 09/09/2021 20:17

To tell a neighbour you are eating and will see them later is incredibly normal. As is saying, "I'm busy now but I'll message you later." Rude, would be insisting on entering someone's house who is clearly busy doing something else (even if it's just resting) and doesn't want company!

mynameisbrian · 09/09/2021 20:17

This is so odd for me as I grew up with folks turning up without notice, neighbours popping in for a chat and a cuppa however where i live now none of our relatives are close by. The 'pop' in for a cuppa is not a thing so it would freak me out having someone turn up without notice. Anyone that comes to my house without warning would be met with a very angry woman. As it never happens and anyone coming to mine is for a actual occassion where they are invited

ejhhhhh · 09/09/2021 20:20

YANBU. It's very rude imo to turn up and expect to visit without checking first.

BendingSpoons · 09/09/2021 20:27

You told her no several times. She ignored you. She is seeing you later anyway and wouldn't be keen on you turning up at hers. I probably would actually start ignoring the door when I see it is her.

godmum56 · 09/09/2021 20:28

@ejhhhhh

YANBU. It's very rude imo to turn up and expect to visit without checking first.
this absolutely. In times gone by, before texting then it might have been more acceptable but now when anybody can text and say "is this a good time?" then to just turn up and expect entry unless its a serious emergency is very rude indeed. and if you do text and get no answer then that's a "no not now" too......and to be asked not to do it and to continue to do it.....well that's a dealbreaker.
OneMoreStitch · 09/09/2021 20:29

I can't stand people stopping by unannounced or uninvited. She should text well in advance to ask when would be a good time, not just text and show up within a few minutes, regardless of lack of reply! And coming by at or near a mealtime, uninvited, expecting you to delay or rush the meal, or possibly feed her, too? Shock

You've told her you don't like it and she continues? She's the rude one here.

MrsJBaptiste · 09/09/2021 20:34

It's up to you whether you let people in or not but you say She will stay 30 minutes or more. It's never just a quick visit

30 minutes is hardly a long visit! That's just popping in! I though you were going to say she stays all morning/afternoon 😮

godmum56 · 09/09/2021 20:41

@MrsJBaptiste

It's up to you whether you let people in or not but you say She will stay 30 minutes or more. It's never just a quick visit

30 minutes is hardly a long visit! That's just popping in! I though you were going to say she stays all morning/afternoon 😮

it blooming is when tea is on the table or you are rushing to do something
NumberTheory · 09/09/2021 20:42

She is really rude to keep dropping by when you have asked her not to and even without that it is spectacularly rude to expect to be invited in when people are in the middle of eating.

I would stop feeling anxious about how she feels about you not inviting her in and start being much more assertive communicating how you feel about her lack of respect of you and your boundaries.

sonjadog · 09/09/2021 20:48

It might be related to her being her mother's carer and that being "her role". My mother was carer for my father for two decades and in the few years following his death she could be overbearing when she met someone who she thought needed help, because caring for people was what she did and she was determined to do it, whether they wanted to or not. I had to step in a few times and stop her when she was so busy "helping" than she was just steamrolling across the other person. Fortunately as time has gone on, she has stopped behaving in that way. Hopefully your friend will start to channel her energies elsewhere too. I think it is good that you have very clear boundaries with her. I hope she will learn quickly to respect them and you can continue your friendship happily.

daisychain01 · 09/09/2021 20:50

She thought I was purposely ignoring her (I'm hearing impaired).

So this friend not only ignored your clearly stated preference, she also had the nerve to think you'd ignored her, when presumably she knows about your hearing problem.

I would ditch someone like that, no hesitation - she's the reason they invented the word Frenemy

Mrgrinch · 09/09/2021 20:53

People on Mumsnet are so weird sometimes.

How can it be rude to visit someone? You didn't want her in so you declined the visit. What's the big deal.

Cam001 · 09/09/2021 20:54

@PandemicAtTheDisco

Her mother died a few years ago and she was her main carer. I sometimes think she's trying to replace her mother with me.
I think you've hit the nail on the head OP. Some people love to involve themselves in the lives of others, with zero encouragement. You have no need to feel bad.
L0bstersLass · 09/09/2021 20:54

She sounds like hard work. You're not being unreasonable. I hate people just dropping by, I never let them in. I hope all goes well at your activity with her this evening.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2021 21:01

@Mrgrinch

People on Mumsnet are so weird sometimes.

How can it be rude to visit someone? You didn't want her in so you declined the visit. What's the big deal.

Have you read the op? They have asked their "friend" multiple times not to just pop in, that it makes them uncomfortable, yet the friend keeps doing it. How is that not rude?
Plumtree391 · 09/09/2021 21:15

I think it is rude to turn up unannounced and would never do it unless there was an emergency. Therefore I don't think you were in the wrong and she will have to lump it.

However I note you said, "We were eating"; 'we' means you don't live alone so surely whoever you live with can do some clearing up, just in case the Queen or someone knocks on your door.

(When you have kids, you have to accept that their friends will come over at all times, sometimes stay the night, and you get used to it; they don't care if your house is a mess (they make it worse too).)

Swipe left for the next trending thread