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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my uninvited friend come into my house?

127 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:14

I love having guests but only when they are expected. I'm not keen on people just dropping in.

I have poor health and am quite busy. I am not always up to visitors. I don't always have a clean and tidy house and I feel uncomfortable if people turn up and the house is a mess.

I am busy at times and need quiet time to destress. I'm not always sociable. If I'm not that well then I don't want to have to host guests. I also don't want people turning up when I'm cooking or we are eating.

I have told my friend many times not to just turn up. I've told her to ring first and ask. She has turned up even when I told her I was busy with family and specifically asked her not to visit.

Three days ago she turned up and I didn't hear the door. She thought I was purposely ignoring her (I'm hearing impaired). I told her she needed to prearrange a visit as the house was a mess and I didn't want anyone in until I'd sorted it.

She told me it didn't bother her if my house was a tip but I told her it bothered me and I'd like her to check with me first before just turning up. I don't visit her without pre arranging as she doesn't like people to drop in unexpectedly at her house. I don't ever drop in at hers without an invitation but I know she would let me in if I did. She would just moan to everyone about it afterwards.

Today she turned up when we were eating. She was upset I refused to let her in as she said she had text me. She text 7 minutes before to ask and as I was in the kitchen I didn't see or respond to her message.

I talked to her at the door and there was no problem that she urgently needed to see me about, she had just called in. I said we were eating and I'd see her later at a prearranged activity. She was obviously upset I wouldn't let her in.

I'm a bit apprehensive about seeing her tonight at 8:30.

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my friend come in my house today when she dropped in unexpectedly?

OP posts:

Bertiebiscuit · 11/09/2021 00:40

This "friendship" is a puzzle - why are you allowing her to treat you so disrespectfully - you have told her no to something, she obviously doesn't listen or care to your wishes, so in what sense do you consider her a friend - drop her ASAP

chickenslovechickens · 11/09/2021 00:55

I don't think you was rude. I am exactly the same, I like to keep my house clean and tidy but this isn't always possible with a toddler! I absolutely hate it when people just turn up and I'm not expecting them. It really throws me and makes me feel uncomfortable. I like to be ready, have the house in order, plates washed, toys put away! I know it's sounds OCD but that's my preference. You have previously made it clear that your friend should give you a little notice of her intention to pop round so you have no need to feel guilty. We have a family member that calls to say they are on the way round and I feel pressured to make sure the house is tidy and how I'd like when expecting visitors.

LoisLane66 · 11/09/2021 06:48

You're certainly unreasonable and I would be the same. From your post, it seems as if you walk a tightrope and are stressed most of the time, which is understandable of friends ignore your request to only visit when it's prearranged and BOTH agree on the timing, NOT when someone notifies you 7 minutes before turning up.
I personally wouldn't entertain anyone turning up in the middle of mealtimes or when I was busy so I think you are well within your rights to say ' Sorry, now is not a good time for me' and wave goodbye.
Make it crystal clear that you are not open house any day any time and take no notice of the mardy looks you get.
Good luck and don't give in. They're being totally rude.

LoisLane66 · 11/09/2021 06:49

Correction. 'You're certainly NOT unreasonable...'

Backwaterjunction · 11/09/2021 07:06

This person sounds lonely to me yet is getting so much hate here, yes you need to put rules in place for her as I don’t think suggestions will work but if her friendship is wanted then you have to work with her as well or cut your ties

echt · 11/09/2021 07:28

This person sounds lonely to me yet is getting so much hate here

Really?? Seen no hate at all.

Mumkins42 · 11/09/2021 07:31

I agree with the post that this is about Simeon ignoring and disrespecting your boundaries. It doesn't matter the rights and wrongs of house visits. She knows what you need, she chooses to ignore it. I would just not answer the door next time.

Blackcat333 · 11/09/2021 12:37

No one crosses my threshold, I absolutely turn people away. People who know me well always arrange to meet elsewhere. I always check to see who is knocking before I open the door. I'm not sure why you can't do this and be in charge of your own home. Just text her and cancel.

whatthejiggeries · 11/09/2021 16:46

I hate people just dropping in

Tigger1895 · 11/09/2021 19:25

You weren’t unreasonable but I’d wonder if the friend is lonely and is desperate for company.

Tink626 · 11/09/2021 19:30

I literally couldn't be friends with someone like this. YANBU

Brackenandbramble · 11/09/2021 19:40

I used to have a friend like this, used to drop in all the time, one time she found reason to call 4 times in one day! I was too much of a push over then and just put up with it. I started to put my foot down and now she no longer speaks to me! Looking back she was so needy and it's made me wary of making new friends.
You were not being unreasonable and the fact you asked her not to just call round is so rude on her part. Not really a good friend if she can't respect your wishes.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 12/09/2021 07:51

@User57327259

Perhaps if she was her DM's carer and was fully taken up with that caring role and now not only has she lost her DM she has also lost her "job" or purpose in her life. She maybe extremely lonely and lost and hoping her friend would understand without her having to say the words. Sometimes we dont look at the other person's point of view

She's not looking at OP's point of view either.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 12/09/2021 08:21

@Plumtree391
However I note you said, "We were eating"; 'we' means you don't live alone so surely whoever you live with can do some clearing up, just in case the Queen or someone knocks on your door.

OP doesn't need to have a reason. She said she doesn't want visitors at that time, that should be enough.

@Backwaterjunction
This person sounds lonely to me yet is getting so much hate here, yes you need to put rules in place for her as I don’t think suggestions will work but if her friendship is wanted then you have to work with her as well or cut your ties

Her loneliness doesn't trump OP's needs though. As a friend, she should be respectful of OP's wishes of privacy. It's her home and her sanctuary.

@Barmychick
YANBU. But I wonder if we could all be a little more flexible in our lives?
Being flexible doesn't mean allowing yourself to be walked over and having your feelings disregarded. OP is in poor health and has explained herself numerous times to the friend, which she shouldn't have to.

I have a friend who did this to another friend who had cancer. No matter how many times friend A said they just wanted to rest, friend B would insist. Worst of it was it wasn't out of concern but being nosey and wanting to be seen by others as a good friend. She wasn't lonely or anything, just disrespectful to other's wishes.

Beline4u · 12/09/2021 09:42

Sounds like this lady struggles with boundaries. You are not in the wrong. Your friend is. Keep placing your boundaries and maybe some day she may actually listen.

I never understand people who say "but I don't mind if your house is a mess". They're very clearly not listening to the fact, you do and you have made that clear, why do their feelings trump yours? It's baffling.

ChristmasCocktail · 12/09/2021 09:46

I was friends with someone like this, at one point she turned up in the middle of home schooling my son and insisted she come in.
She was very needy and clingy (think the type of you don't text every day you'd get a bad name for yourself from her.) I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it anymore it was ridiculous.
And I told her "my house is messy you can't come round right now" she told me it's fine she won't judge, caught her looking around and judging. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Allinadayswork80 · 13/09/2021 11:59

YANBU - as most others have said, you’ve made it clear that you’re uncomfortable with unexpected visits yet she completely disregards your feelings.
I’m very similar to you and hate people just dropping by as I’m quite house proud and self judging so I like my house to be a certain way if people come round. It’s only my absolute best friend who knows she’s welcome day or night at any time, anyone else I prefer to arrange. Can’t help it, just the way I am and I expect my friends to respect that. Also I would never expect to barge in whilst people were eating and she’s very rude to expect to be invited in.

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 13/09/2021 12:39

Since we had words on Thursday there has been no direct contact. This is unusual as she's normally texting constantly and wanting video calls. I get the feeling I'm being punished but I'm enjoying the space.

OP posts:

Madamum18 · 13/09/2021 14:28

I get the feeling I'm being punished but I'm enjoying the space

Well that should tell you something very important about this "friendship"!!!

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 19/09/2021 21:25

I've been ignored all week apart from a few text messages. We are both adults but it feels like dealing with a stroppy teenager. She appears to be so confrontational and refusing to accept my boundaries.

She called around again without notice this evening. This time she didn't text at all. I was helping my daughter with her homework and getting the dinner finished. She knows this time and day is spent with my daughter.

I kept her on the doorstep for 10 minutes before the kitchen timer went off and I needed to be in the kitchen. I felt more confident in sticking to my boundaries.

I'm really bewildered by how she's acting. She seems unable to accept that I'm not backing down. If she wants to visit then she calls ahead and checks we are in and accepting visitors. She's had an attitude before when she'd popped around and we were out shopping.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2021 22:39

She is absolutely testing your resolution in keeping to your boundaries. She's also showing you that what she wants to do absolutely takes precedence over what you want to do, regardless of how you feel about it.

Even though you kept her on the doorstep (talking to her I assume), unfortunately the fact that you let it go on for 10 minutes has probably reinforced to her that she has the right to 'intrude' on your life as she chooses. IMHO, it would have been better to either not answer the door or to have said "Sorry, this isn't a good time. Next time call first. 'Bye."

surreygirl1987 · 19/09/2021 22:41

I hate that too. I would never just drop in on someone. I remember after my second baby was born I was such a mess, in a dressing gown and the house was a tip and my friend turned up on my doorstep... she has text me 10 mins prior but I hadn't seen it ... my husband annoyingly let her in and I was so mortified. I think just turning up at someone's home like that is a big breach of etiquette these days.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/09/2021 13:34

I would have opened the door and put on a shocked/surprised voice and said "Oh, hi, it's you. I wish you would have texted before you arrived as I'm in the middle of something at the moment (none of her business what that is) and I can't stop. It's lovely to see you but now isn't a good time. Is there some emergency that you need me for? No?? Ok then. I will see you soon so, all the best.....bye" and I would close the door and walk away!!!

She keeps pushing your boundaries and as @AcrossthePond55 points out, by chatting with her for 10 minutes, while it wasn't inside your house, it was time that you would have been doing something else with and it does tend to (at least in her mind) validate that you do have time for her and she'll keep pushing for more and more of that time.

Glssr195726113493 · 20/09/2021 13:40

You are of course entitled to your own space and well within your rights to lay down your boundaries, though I do find you a little precious about it. But that’s fine. It’s your home and so your wants and choices go.

However, your friend is a maniac.

ChurchWCat · 20/09/2021 14:40

I can't believe she turned up uninvited again.

She's really not backing down. This is insane op.

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