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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my uninvited friend come into my house?

127 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:14

I love having guests but only when they are expected. I'm not keen on people just dropping in.

I have poor health and am quite busy. I am not always up to visitors. I don't always have a clean and tidy house and I feel uncomfortable if people turn up and the house is a mess.

I am busy at times and need quiet time to destress. I'm not always sociable. If I'm not that well then I don't want to have to host guests. I also don't want people turning up when I'm cooking or we are eating.

I have told my friend many times not to just turn up. I've told her to ring first and ask. She has turned up even when I told her I was busy with family and specifically asked her not to visit.

Three days ago she turned up and I didn't hear the door. She thought I was purposely ignoring her (I'm hearing impaired). I told her she needed to prearrange a visit as the house was a mess and I didn't want anyone in until I'd sorted it.

She told me it didn't bother her if my house was a tip but I told her it bothered me and I'd like her to check with me first before just turning up. I don't visit her without pre arranging as she doesn't like people to drop in unexpectedly at her house. I don't ever drop in at hers without an invitation but I know she would let me in if I did. She would just moan to everyone about it afterwards.

Today she turned up when we were eating. She was upset I refused to let her in as she said she had text me. She text 7 minutes before to ask and as I was in the kitchen I didn't see or respond to her message.

I talked to her at the door and there was no problem that she urgently needed to see me about, she had just called in. I said we were eating and I'd see her later at a prearranged activity. She was obviously upset I wouldn't let her in.

I'm a bit apprehensive about seeing her tonight at 8:30.

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my friend come in my house today when she dropped in unexpectedly?

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 09/09/2021 21:26

I hate it when people do this,Sil is worst for it.I always ring or text to ask first

georgarina · 09/09/2021 21:26

I would never turn up to someone's house unannounced. YANBU. Not common with people I know anyway

Howshouldibehave · 09/09/2021 21:28

When you have kids, you have to accept that their friends will come over at all times, sometimes stay the night, and you get used to it

Not necessarily.

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/09/2021 21:39

No.

Graphista · 09/09/2021 21:48

Considering you've told her several times she is the rude one.

I don't visit her without pre arranging as she doesn't like people to drop in unexpectedly at her house.

So she's a hypocrite to boot!

This is about her completely ignoring your clearly-expressed wishes and boundaries

Absolutely!

I bet you could give us all sorts of other examples where she’s inconsiderate or imposes double standards on your friendship.

Yep she sounds a narcissistic/selfish type

I'd be dropping this "friendship" which seems to be largely on her terms

I sometimes think she's trying to replace her mother with me.

That's her issue to deal with not yours to solve in a deeply unhealthy way

Curlygirl06 · 09/09/2021 21:48

I have/ had a friend like that. Times without mention I've said please text before you come round/ ring, whatever but they don't. Last time they turned up (no text) I was having 5 minutes peace and quiet. They tend to be persistent/ whiny/ needy but I've had enough. When they turned up last time I said I was going out in 10 minutes, they were lucky they caught me, and they still wanted to come in! I shut all the windows, got my coat and left after 10 minutes, and again told them to text first next time. Covid has been brilliant in that respect, not seen them since.

WhatAShilohPitt · 09/09/2021 21:50

Of course you weren’t rude. You’ve asked her nicely and she’s decided that your wishes don’t count. Perhaps this time it will actually sink into her skull. Turn up uninvited = turn round and go back home.

Macaroni46 · 09/09/2021 22:25

I had a relative like this. Was forever turning up on the doorstep, often with a gift or candle bedecked cake singing 'happy birthday' as we opened the door. This made us feel guilty and mean for feeling irritated. But it was often highly inconvenient timing. I repeatedly asked her to text me before hand but she never did.
One time we did the same to her ie dropped in unannounced. She hated it 😂

Saoirse82 · 09/09/2021 22:37

YANBU

Marcee · 09/09/2021 22:43

YANBU simply because you've already explained everything to her.

You've told her you aren't comfortable with people coming in if the house is a mess, and you've politely asked her to give you plenty of notice when she wants to come over.

If you just randomly refused to open the door that would be a bit weird and I do think not opening the door for your friend who is outside and asking to come in is a bit weird, but you've explained it all to her in detail.

So she only has herself to blame.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/09/2021 23:47

No. I have an ex friend who done it always on a Monday morning or Friday afternoon when I worked over night weekends.
The last straw was when I found myself gagging DS and hiding in the upside down kitchen.
I ended the friendship shortly after it was a relief.

MissyMooKins · 09/09/2021 23:54

I'm the same and would ignore the door. If I answered it I wouldn't say no to them coming in though.

simitra · 09/09/2021 23:55

I hate this too. I am a planner and like to pre-arrange visits unless its some kind of emergency. In these days of universal mobile phones there is no excuse for people dropping it. I woud not dream of disturning a friend or relative without making arrangements first.

I have cctv all around my house and sometimes amuse myself with random people knocking on my door. I have no idea who they are and what they want and have no interest in them. Eventually they will wander off and try another house.

Original poster
PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 23:57

We had a talk at the activity tonight and she was a bit cold towards me. I told her again that I wasn't purposely not answering the door when she'd called around a few days before. That I didn't like people just calling in and needed them to prearrange. I pointed out that she was the same. I then reminded her how deaf I was and that I needed to be aware of a potential visit so that I could listen out for the door.

She was then sour faced when I chose to get a lift back with someone that drives straight past my house rather than with her. If I go with her she needs to drive out of her way to drop me off or I need to walk the rest of the way from her house.

So many of my friends have become unreasonable this last covid year. I have fallen out with a couple of my friends and am only just starting to physically meet up with everyone again. I keep wanting to make sure that it's not me in the wrong.

OP posts:
LaetitiaASD · 10/09/2021 00:08

You are not being at all unreasonable to INSIST, 100%, no exceptions that she calls first. If she doesn't call first you have every right to ignore the door or give her very short shrift.

I know from experience that I'm unreasonable - I'm one of those people who does occasionally drop by friends houses unannounced, and most people don't like it. People don't even like it if you tell people that if you ever drop by you'll take no offence if they don't answer the door or simply open it and say "busy, sorry, bye!"

People don't like it at all and you are completely normal.

Myrighteyeball · 10/09/2021 01:21

OP, you are absolutely not being U.

By way of comparison, once when I was about 20 I turned up unannounced at a good friend's house as I was in the area and just decided to drop in. She told me she didn't want visitors right then and I needed to call first. I was mortified that I had put her in that position, apologised and never did it again (to her or anyone else). Fortunately we are still good friends :).

Your friend is an arsehole for not respecting your request the first time - let alone all the other times. I'd be ending the friendship over that - and I don't end friendships easily, I have half a dozen good friendships that have lasted nearly 40 years now, and half a dozen more of 25 years or so.

daisychain01 · 10/09/2021 06:02

@Mrgrinch

People on Mumsnet are so weird sometimes.

How can it be rude to visit someone? You didn't want her in so you declined the visit. What's the big deal.

It's rude when the person being imposed upon expressly states "don't just show up, please".

How can you be so obtuse not to know that is a big deal to the OP, to be put in the awkward position of having to turn a friend away at her front door. It feels inhospitable, but I don't blame her for not wanting to reward appalling manners.

daisychain01 · 10/09/2021 06:08

She sounds like high maintenance @PandemicAtTheDisco it's all about her, her hurt feelings, her wants and needs. Being all sulky and sour-faced is totally unnecessary.

Please ditch and don't give a single f* you sound thoughtful and reasonable, and she should have been mature enough to say I'm sorry I was in the wrong can we put it behind us now.

Original poster
PandemicAtTheDisco · 10/09/2021 14:23

Thanks everyone.

I've a feeling I've been moaned about for not letting people into my home now. I've had a few messages asking how I'm coping etc and it's either basic concern or interest in all the drama. I just find it intrusive.

It has brought extra attention to the mystery of how bad my house must be in if I've not accepting visitors - which is what I wanted to avoid.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 10/09/2021 15:03

Is this on social media?

If so, please come off it and spend time away from those toxic environments - regain control. It's your life, your home, and people shouldn't be bitching about your decisions when it's none of their business. Ignore people poking their nose into your life, until they can behave themselves. It may mean fewer people on your feeds and texts but honestly that sounds massively intrusive to me!

LaBellina · 10/09/2021 15:05

YANBU

She doesn’t respect your boundaries and was being rude, entitled and intrusive.
You have done nothing wrong.
Hopefully she has learnt her lesson now.

ChargingBuck · 10/09/2021 15:12

She's not your friend.

She's a boundary-pushing, hypocrital brat.

You haven't done anything wrong, & I hope you can see that & stop worrying about seeing this CF this evening.
If she makes an issue of it, she's merely confirming the fact that she is not your friend.
After all - she doesn't let you turn up unannounced (& you respect that, & would not push it), so who TF does she think she is, doing it to you?

Readerimarried · 10/09/2021 15:16

I was guilty of being someone who just dropped in when I was younger. And then when my children were young, it was usually quite fun when people dropped in unexpectedly.
I never did it if people said they didn't like it, but the dropping in felt normal to me as I grew up in a home where people came by all the time.
I don't do it at all now, and I would let someone in if they dropped by, but I wouldn't like it. But nobody really does any more.
In fact on thinking about it, I have several people who I'd class as good friends, but most of our socialising is out of the house.
It's just my husband and me at home, and it's like a sanctuary. We do invite people, but not all that often .

ChargingBuck · 10/09/2021 15:19

@Mrgrinch

People on Mumsnet are so weird sometimes.

How can it be rude to visit someone? You didn't want her in so you declined the visit. What's the big deal.

The big deal is that the pushy friend doesn't allow unscheduled visits to her own home, knows OP feels similarly, but ignores Op's boundary while requiring her own boundary to be maintained.

The "big deal" is that pushy friend then gets "upset" & gives OP a hard time.

VestaTilley · 10/09/2021 15:21

YANBU- your “friend” is very rude just dropping by when you’re eating and you’ve asked her not to just “drop in”. Particularly when she doesn’t like it being done to her!

I’d have to say something to her this week. And letting you know in advance means by a few days, not minutes!